Chapter Text
The two weeks after the audition were absolutely chaotic for Ben. Arrangements needed making, and switching his brain on fully from the high of getting through to the main stage of the competition was first on his to do list.
Ben was lucky to have his own little flat above his brother Jay’s business, he worked part time there to cover his bills so he didn't even need to really hand his notice in. His brother had taken the news easily, he knew that Ben’s dreams were finally coming true and he was never going to stand in his way.
He was only allowed to tell a couple of people outside his immediate family but who did he really have to tell? He had a few people he knew in the bars and clubs he frequented when he was singing, a few guys he hooked up with when he needed an itch scratching but there was no-one outside of Jay and his mom that he wanted to know.
The only person who he would have told already knew.
He had invited Callum for a coffee the day after the auditions at a cafe just down the road from his flat. Jay thought it was a bad idea, confided that he was worried Ben would get too caught up in his past relationship and lose all focus on the competition. But Ben assured him that he needed to do this, and needed to speak to Callum before it all began.
Ben had arrived first so placed the order for both of them, he was certain Callums coffee choice hadn't changed in the past two years, still liked his sugar with a side of coffee as Ben had always called it.
Callum arrived and Ben tried not to let his smile get too big, tried not to squeeze him too tight when he was greeted with a warm hug. Fighting against his natural instincts to lean a little closer when they sat next to each other on the comfy sofa in the back of the coffee shop.
“How’s your cup of sugar, sugar?” asked Ben when they had gotten settled.
“Still pulling out the same old jokes I see,” Callum replied with a grin.
“Look, when you find something that works you stick to it” Ben said around a laugh.
The conversation flowed easier than Ben thought it would, but they skirted around big things. They discussed work and family, holidays and hobbies, favourite TV shows and concerts. They avoided the big things until they couldn't anymore.
Ben was the first to breach the subject, segueing into it easily when Callum had asked where Ben was living now.
“I um, I moved into Jays flat after we, you know, broke up. Jay was worried about me being alone where I was so he offered for me to be closer, his flat was empty and he said he’d give me mates rates on the rent so i couldn’t really turn him down” Ben explained, his eyes dropping to the rim of his coffee cup “I wasn’t really coping after, my roommate was being a total dick so I left, being around a bloke who brought people back to the flat every night wasn't really a fun reminder of the fact that I was alone”.
“Ben” Callums voice interrupted softly.
“No let me talk for a bit ok, otherwise I don’t think i’ll be able to get this out.”
Ben continued on, taking a deep breath and placing his coffee cup on the table in front of him.
“I want you to know that I'm sorry, that towards the end of our relationship I admit that I wasn’t the greatest of boyfriends. I shouldn’t have chatted and flirted with those other guys but that was all that happened. I never cheated on you Cal, I couldn’t. I just wanted your attention, to see me again, see that I was wanted by other people. I didn’t think you wanted me anymore. I just wanted you to love me.”
Ben’s eyes met Callums, he blinked back the wetness that was attempting to fall as he listened to Callum begin to talk.
“I always loved you Ben, too fucking much sometimes. The way you were acting towards me was awful, you spent most of your day glued to your phone. Every time we went out you were chatting to different guys, flirting and smiling, acting like a giddy schoolgirl, it was embarrassing Ben. You say you wanted my attention but all you did was push me away. I never thought you cheated but you certainly acted like you always had the option to.”
Ben’s eyes didn’t drop from Callum’s gaze the entire time. The embarrassment he felt over his past behaviour was crippling, he wanted nothing more than to forget, had tried so hard over the past two years to push it all away but he had to accept that Callum was right.
“I just wanted you to still want to be there, I wanted to see if you would still be here even when you saw all the bad sides of me. Would stay even if I pushed you to leave.”
“I wanted to just love you Ben, you were everything to me and in the end I felt like I was nothing to you. How could I stay?”
Ben reached forward and grabbed Callum's hand, rubbed the pad of his thumb against Callums knuckles.
“I didn’t want to leave Ben, over the past two years I have wanted to reach out to you so many times, but I convinced myself that you didn’t want me, or you would have reached out first. Chased after me. Told me i was wrong and that you loved me the way I loved you”
“I did want to chase you Callum, watching you walk out of my life meant I had to watch the walls around me crumble too. I didn’t think i would ever fall in love, and that meant that I didn’t think my heart would break but it did. I have searched everywhere to find someone that I thought could love me the way you did but I couldn’t, I only found pain”
“You know this can’t happen Ben, the hurt we caused each other isn’t something that can be fixed by a cup of coffee and a heart to heart. I’ve spent two years trying to forget you and when you walked up to me it felt like my heart was about to be broken all over again”
Ben focused his gaze on his and Callum’s conjoined hands, focused on the smooth movement he was making as he brushed his thumb back and forth. Tried to match his breathing to the motion, back and forth, in and out.
He felt Callum’s free hand make its way to the back of his neck, Callums thumb pressed into the space underneath his ear. He looked back up into blue eyes, wanted to see through them like he was always able to.
“This competition is what you always wanted, this is your dream Ben. No matter what I am feeling at this moment this is still my job. I can’t let myself imagine any sort of well, anything really for as long as this is happening.”
Ben pressed his head closer to the hand that was on his neck, cradling his head gently. Gripped his other hand in his as tight as he could. If this was the only moment he would have then he was going to hold on for as long as possible.
“If you want to try again, we can make decisions after this ends. I’m not going to deny any feelings I have for you Ben, I never could. You walked back into my life and it's like you never went. I don’t know how you feel that but this is it for now. If my bosses found out about you, about our past I would lose my job and you would lose your place in the competition. I could never do that to myself and I especially could not do that to you. Please tell me something, anything. Please”
“I would never do that to you, this is all I have ever dreamed about. You being here, and sharing this with me is better than I could ever imagine. I want to find out what can happen between us again, but you are right, it can’t be to the detriment of the competition. We have both worked too hard for this. I know what I want Callum, that isn’t going to change”
Bens felt the hand on the back of his neck tighten as Callum pulled them closer together, he closed his eyes as Callum kissed his forehead. They stayed like that for a few moments before Callum pulled away, dropped the hand that was holding Ben’s, removed the hand from Ben’s neck and then he stood up and left.
Their conversation played over and over in Ben’s mind in the lead up to the competition. The production company had hired a big house in London for all of the competitors to stay in. When Ben had heard this he had panicked they would all be in bunk beds in a dorm room but they all had been given lovely huge rooms with attached bathrooms. Ben relished in knowing that he would have that privacy. As much as he acted like he was Mr. Social, he also needed time to himself, so having a room he could escape to was something he was excited about.
The first couple of days in the house was spent with the production team giving them run throughs of how everything worked, how things would be filmed and how the live shows would work. They had access to vocal coaches, choreo teams and a wardrobe and make-up department. They would be working closely with all of them, perfecting their songs, their performances and also the way they looked.
The judges would now be known as their mentors and they oversaw everything, made music decisions, stage dressing and also had input on how they wanted each act to look. The contestant had final say in everything, nobody would be forced to do anything they didn't feel was natural to them. Ben was grateful to this as he was anxious about what ridiculous things Motor was going to force him to do.
The house itself was huge, his bedroom was next door to Frankies which he was grateful for, could imagine a few nights would be spent together chatting and watching the small selection of DVDs they had been given. The downstairs was one large communal space, a huge seating area that had a few fixed cameras in, that footage would be used for the “Shuffle Playlist” show, a TV show that would run on the online streaming platform that was also showing the main show.
There was a large kitchen and dining room that Ben could see he would be spending most of his time in, the amount of snacks provided was unreal and Ben was very much a stress eater.
There were also two extra bedrooms. Ben had discovered this on the third day when Callum and Eddie turned up with their luggage ready to move in. Eddie explained that they were to act as chaperones for the contestants, a continuation of the job they were doing during the audition process which also meant that he would be keeping a beady eye on them 24/7. There was to be no secret romances, no cheeky late night hook ups. Anyone even looking at anyone the wrong way would be out on their ear.
Ben smiled at Callum when Eddie was explaining all this until he felt a pull on his sleeve.
“I think that includes Callum, so don’t even think about it” Frankie said into his ear. “Shame though, I still think he is fit”
“Keep that to yourself Frank, although i’d like to see you try and climb that tree”
“All i’m saying is that he could crack me in half, and I would let him”
Ben let out an unholy snort laugh at that, breaking the silence in the room around them. Everyone too focused on Eddie's instructions to even think about anything else. A room full of heads turned to look at where he was, Callums eyebrows reaching his forehead when Ben looked at him.
“Sorry” Ben said in a panicked voice “Water went down the wrong way” he showed the water bottle that was in hand, grateful he had it nearby and could use it for a cover story.
Now it was day four and rehearsals were about to begin. Ben had been woken by a soft knock to his door and when he went to answer it there was a piece of folded paper being shoved underneath the door. He reached down to open it and inside was simply written.
Good luck today, find me if you need me. I am so excited for you to begin your future, try not to forget about me when you are famous C x
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