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Armin’s room was unrecognisable. It hadn’t looked this bare since they moved into the house - once cluttered shelves sat empty, and the dresser was no longer full to bursting. The posters on the walls had been taken down and neatly packaged, and the floor was covered in cardboard boxes, full with the things that made up Armin’s life, all perfectly labelled and organised, ready to be put into the back of his mom’s camper van.
“I think we’re done,” Armin breathed, looking around the room and feeling a knot in his chest. Seeing his childhood bedroom suddenly so devoid of character, what made it him, was somehow incredibly nerve-wracking. He was going away to college, and it felt like it was finally starting to really sink in.
Jean just hummed. He was lying on Armin’s bed, messing around with his Rubik’s Cube, twisting it over and over without any thought behind it, like if he just moved it enough it would all slot into place. He’d given up on helping pack a long time ago, but Armin had asked him over just so he wouldn’t feel quite so alone while he was putting his life into boxes.
Armin was leaving; Jean was not. The air between them felt strange for the first time in over thirteen years. The promise they had made to leave their small town together was one that hadn’t been brought up in a long time, but now that it had been broken, it was on both of their minds. Armin felt like he should apologise, but he didn’t know how to start without letting all of his other feelings spill out at the same time. Everything with Jean was all tangled up into one, his happiest childhood memories, the revelation of his sexuality, the best summers of his life. When Armin thought about his life Jean was his past and his present, but he was leaving without him now and the future felt uncertain.
Jean had been encouraging, but Armin could tell he was holding something back the entire time. That curious part of him was desperate to know what it was, but how did he ask, when he was also so afraid? Was Jean going to ask him to stay? He was scared of what his answer might be. How did he choose between two dreams?
“Armin,” Jean said, not taking his eyes off the glow-in-the-dark stars that were still stuck to Armin’s ceiling.
“Yeah?” Armin asked far too quickly, his heart racing and his hands clamming up. When Jean spoke with his voice all low like that it always sent him spiralling.
There was a long pause before Jean said anything.
“I like you.”
For a split second, it felt like Armin’s body stopped working, and he almost let himself hope that Jean meant that in the way he wanted him to. The self-deprecating side of himself was never far behind, though, and Armin knew that would never happen to someone like him - he wasn’t worthy of Jean. Still, he told himself, he had to look at the bright side and be grateful that Jean liked him in any way at all.
“I like you too, Jean!” He said, forcing a cheerful smile onto his face, not wanting his best friend to see how much he was hurting at the thought of leaving. Why did this already feel like a goodbye?
“No, you - you idiot,” Jean said, throwing the Rubik’s Cube onto the other side of the bed and sitting up properly. “I like you. I wanted to - I just wanted to say that before you left.”
Armin shook his head. His body was reacting, hands becoming clammy, heart racing and cheeks turning pink with a blush. His mind wouldn’t catch up, wouldn’t let him believe.
“Jean,” he said, his voice shaking. “Stop messing around.”
“I’m not!” Jean snapped. Armin didn’t dare look at him. “I’m not tricking you. I’m being a selfish asshole, but I’m telling the truth.”
“I - I don’t understand,” Armin said, squeezing his eyes tight shut like he might be able to pretend he was anywhere else. He heard the creak of the bed as Jean got up, and before he knew it Jean was sat right in front of him.
“Look at me,” he murmured. Was that… nervousness in his voice? Armin didn’t trust any of his senses. “Please?”
Armin opened his eyes and instantly tried to pull back when he saw Jean’s face. He was blushing, too, his hazel eyes narrowed, but his nerves showing through.
“Jean-”
“No, just listen to me for a second,” Jean said firmly, and Armin felt as if he had no choice but to do as he said. “I - I’m a coward for waiting this long, I know. I kept telling myself that everything would be easier if I just confessed, but there was this voice in my head that wouldn’t shut up, and said maybe you didn’t feel the same way like I suspected. So I… I thought I’d wait until it didn’t matter anymore. Which is really stupid now that I think about it… but I might as well stop wasting my time. I really like you. And I have for a long time.”
Armin just stared at him, his eyes filling up with tears. Jean had that earnest, honest look on his face that he loved so much, even if there was sadness there, too. It hurt him to see that, but he was also aflame with the realisation that Jean was telling the truth.
“You’re not joking?” He choked out. “You really mean that?”
“I’m not going to embarrass myself for a joke ,” Jean said, looking away, and as Armin noticed the blush on his cheeks darkening, he realised that this was real.
“But - but why?” Armin asked. “I don’t understand…”
“You wouldn’t, would you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You never see the good things about you,” Jean muttered, still staring at the wall behind Armin instead of directly at him. “You’re smart, but you never believe in yourself. You’re insecure and I have no idea why . You need to stop putting yourself down and start realising how people really feel, not how you expect them to feel.”
Armin was too shocked to get out a full sentence. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing; it seemed so sudden, so last minute.
“Jean,” he started, “I-”
“Save it,” Jean said. “If you don’t feel the same way, just forget about it and we can pretend it never happened. It was stupid of me to wait so long, because you’re leaving, but… I guess that was the coward in me.”
“Jean-”
“And I know you’d say some stupid thing like you’re sorry, or try to make me feel better, or let me down gently, but could you just be honest with me instead of -”
“Jean!” Armin yelled, needing to make himself heard before he burst. “I - I like you too!”
Jean stopped ranting and they finally looked each other in the eyes. For the first time since they were five years old, neither of them knew what to say. Armin’s heart was beating so loudly that he wasn’t sure he could have heard a thing regardless, and all he could think about was how utterly gorgeous Jean looked as they stared at each other. His face was a bright shade of red, and his expression was of pure surprise, his normally-narrowed eyes wide with shock, and his mouth in the shape of a small ‘o’. He looked softer now that he wasn’t scowling, the same look on his face that Armin saw sometimes when Jean thought he wouldn’t notice. Armin watched as Jean licked his lips, seemingly gathering up all of his thoughts before he spoke.
“Oh,” Jean said. Neither of them broke eye contact or even blinked.
“I-is that it? Just ‘oh?’”
“Can I kiss you?”
“Jean!” Armin scrambled back, feeling his stomach getting even tighter at the look on his face. “Slow - slow down a second!”
“Sorry,” Jean said, getting to his feet and running his hands through his hair. He started pacing around the room like he always did when he was nervous. “You just - you looked - I really wanted to.”
Armin felt like he was having the most realistic daydream he’d ever managed to conjure up, but he knew that this was real, that it was actually happening, even if he felt like he was living one of his fantasies. It was so much; knowing that he was leaving tomorrow made the whole situation so complicated.
“You never even told me that you’re gay,” Armin murmured, still trying to wrap his head around it. “You promise you’re not joking-”
“I just asked to kiss you, I’m not joking!” Jean exclaimed. “And I’m not gay. I like girls too.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So… what… do we do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” Armin murmured sadly.
“You are,” Jean said. Armin heard him swallow and he had to look away because he felt a horrible sadness rushing over him. “And I’m not going to hold you back, so you’re an idiot if you think I’m going to ask you to stay.”
Armin laughed sadly, relieved that Jean wasn’t forcing him to choose.
“Did we… miss our chance?” He asked.
“What? Why would you say that?”
“Well, since… you know. I’m not going to be here.”
Jean looked taken aback, and the scowl returned to his face. “So? You can still call, and you’ll come home for your breaks. And I can come and visit you, right? So what’s the problem?”
“I-”
“Were you not going to do any of that?”
“Of course I was!” Armin said, raising his voice and getting to his feet, too, worried that Jean was getting the wrong idea. “I’m not just going to abandon you!”
“Good! I didn’t think you were!” Jean folded his arms over his chest defensively, and Armin’s eyes widened even more when he realised he was lying.
“You did think that,” he breathed, almost hurt by the accusation that Jean hadn’t even said out loud.
“I did not!” Jean argued.
“I would never do that,” Armin said quietly. He could feel his eyes stinging with the threat of tears, and he tried his best to blink them back. “You’re my best friend, Jean.”
“I want to be more than just your best friend.” Jean stepped over one of Armin’s boxes and walked over to him, taking both his hands and squeezing gently. “I don’t care if it’s selfish to ask that of you.”
Armin’s tears fell down his cheeks and he nodded earnestly, knowing there was no way he could ever say no to Jean. His hands felt so small when Jean was holding them, and it was comforting. He didn’t want him to ever let go.
“I want that too,” he sniffed.
“You do?”
“Of course I do. You’re - you’re you , Jean, I…”
“Obviously I’m me,” Jean teased fondly. “I sure as hell hope I am, anyway.”
Armin laughed, but he only cried more, pulling Jean in for a tight hug as his emotions really started to catch up with him.
“I wish you could come with me,” he choked out. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’m going to miss you too,” Jean said. Armin felt him reach up to play with his hair and his breath hitched at the sensation. He’d always wanted Jean to do that; it felt so unfair that he only had tonight to enjoy it. He breathed in Jean’s scent as he buried his face in his chest, trying to remember every single tiny detail about him to keep him company when he was gone. He could feel Jean’s heart beating just as hard and as fast as his own. Armin pulled back and looked up at him, and was surprised to see that Jean looked like he was holding back tears too.
“Jean,” Armin murmured. “Kiss me?”
“Okay,” Jean breathed. He brought both hands up to cup Armin’s face, and for a moment, neither of them moved. Armin was staring up at Jean, his eyes shining with tears but no longer crying. Jean looked nervous, scanning over Armin’s face before his eyes fell down to his lips, and before Armin it knew it, Jean was kissing him, pressing their lips together softly. All the times he’d imagined this moment it had been hard and more like Jean, but this was sweet and gentle and the last thing Armin had ever expected. It was bittersweet.
Jean pulled back and let out a shaky breath, still holding onto Armin’s face, their foreheads touching as Jean’s thumbs brushed over his cheeks. The kiss had barely lasted a second, but Armin felt a tingling sensation in his entire body, the same one he got when he looked at Jean, only stronger.
“This really isn’t a joke…” he said softly.
“How many times am I going to have to tell you that?” Jean rolled his eyes, but he was smiling as he leaned in to kiss Armin again. Armin let out a noise of surprise, but he kissed back, a little longer this time, his hands resting on Jean’s waist. It felt natural, despite the slight awkwardness as their noses bumped together.
Jean laughed and the sound of his happiness made Armin feel so much. It was the most beautiful and perfect moment of his life, one he’d always hoped for, but never expected would really happen.
“So… what does… what does this mean? Are you my…”
“I’d sure as hell like to be your boyfriend, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Oh my god,” Armin breathed, pulling back and hiding his face in his hands, overwhelmed by what Jean was saying.
“What? Do you not want that? Because you’re kind of giving me mixed signals-”
“I do want that!” Armin assured him hastily, bright red in the face and shaking a little. “I - it’s just so much, it makes me feel… really intense. But I promise - I want you to be my boyfriend.”
Armin watched as Jean’s mind seemed to catch up, too, as he looked away with a sheepish, lovestruck expression on his face.
“Holy shit,” Jean said.
“Yeah,” Armin agreed. “I… I can’t believe this is happening.”
Just as Jean began to lean in and kiss him again, there were two sharp knocks on Armin’s bedroom door, and the pair sprang away from each other just as Armin’s mother came in.
“Armin,” she said, looking around the room, her blonde hair tucked behind her ears. “Are you done in here?”
“Yeah!” Armin said quickly, keeping his back turned so she couldn’t see his blush or his eyes that were slightly swollen from crying. “Yeah, we’re done.”
“Good,” his mother said. “Jean, you wouldn’t mind helping us carry some of these out to the van, would you?”
“Not at all,” Jean grinned, and out of the corner of his eye, Armin saw him flexing.
“Great,” she laughed. “Thank you, Jean. Are you coming with us tomorrow?”
“H-huh?” Jean asked, and he and Armin shared a look of surprise.
“Oh, did you not ask? I just assumed you’d want to come as we drive out there.”
“Yeah! Yeah, I’d love that, Mrs Arlert.”
“For the thousandth time, Jean, call me Avery.”
“Thanks, Avery.”
“You’re welcome. We’ll get started in about five minutes, alright? I’m going to make a coffee.”
After they were done packing everything up, the whole situation felt so much more real. Armin and Jean came back up to the bedroom when they were done helping out in the kitchen after dinner. They had been sharing little looks and subtle brushes of their hands, but now they were alone again, and the air felt charged. They’d eaten late; it was already half-past ten. Armin was exhausted, but he knew this would be his last night seeing Jean until winter break, and he didn’t want to waste what little time they had together.
“I’m going to change in the bathroom,” Jean said, going over to Armin’s drawers and taking out the pair of pyjamas he always kept in there. They were some of the only clothes left inside.
“Alright.” Armin sat down on his bed and tried not to let his thoughts spiral out of control. He was happy. Of course he was happy; he’d loved Jean for as long as he could remember, and he was overwhelmed to know that wasn’t one-sided.
But what if it went wrong? What if Jean got frustrated that they were so far apart, and gave up on them? What if he met someone else , and Armin was all alone with nobody? What if Jean changed his mind, and it ruined their friendship forever, or if Jean really was joking, and this was all some elaborate prank because he was leaving, or -
“What’s going on?”
Jean’s voice brought Armin out of his panicked state and he looked up, his eyes widening with the realisation that Jean had seen him freaking out.
“Nothing!” He lied unconvincingly, standing up way too fast. “I… I forgot to get changed while you were gone, so I’ll just go to the bathroom as well, I need to clean my teeth-”
“Armin,” Jean said seriously. He grabbed Armin’s wrist as he tried to get by, holding on tight, not letting him squirm out of his grasp. “Tell me.”
“I’m worried about what’s going to happen when I leave,” Armin admitted. “I’m worried about how… how we’re going to do this. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you even like me.”
“Do you not want to be with me?” Jean asked. He looked Armin dead in the eyes, and Armin felt himself shrinking away a little.
“I do,” he whispered. “I just-”
“Then there’s no problem. I want to be with you, and you want to be with me, and that’s what matters. We’ll figure it out. You need to stop worrying so much.”
“Worrying is what I do, Jean…”
“Then do something else.”
“Like what?”
“I can think of something,” Jean murmured, moving to hold onto Armin’s hand instead of his wrist. Armin looked up at him, not even realising that he’d stopped breathing, and he blinked nervously.
“Yeah?” Armin breathed. Jean bent down a little so that their foreheads were touching. It made Armin feel warm inside. Everything was new, and exciting, and terrifying, and he had to leave it all the next day but it was worth it.
“Can I kiss you?”
“Mm,” Armin hummed, and he closed the gap himself, standing up on his tiptoes, reaching to run his fingers through Jean’s hair as Jean held onto his waist.
This kiss was long, drawn out; maybe it only seemed that way because it felt like time itself had stopped when their lips met, but Armin wasn’t counting the seconds. For once, his mind was blank, thinking of nothing but Jean. He smelled nice, and his hands were large, gripping his waist tightly, making Armin feel small, but in a way that he liked. He let out a noise when Jean kissed a little harder and the realisation that he’d done something like that flooded him with embarrassment.
“I’m sorry!” Armin said, pulling back immediately only to see Jean staring at him with pupils completely blown out and a bright red blush on his face.
“D-don’t be,” Jean said thickly. “That was - it was nice.”
“Oh, um, good! I’m going to go and get changed!” Armin fretted, gathering up his clothes.
“Yeah, I, uh… okay. Good idea.”
After splashing a lot of cold water onto his face, Armin felt calm enough to face Jean again. He changed quickly, and headed back to his empty room.
“Hey,” he whispered. Jean had already set up the old sleeping bag he always used on the floor next to Armin’s bed.
“Hey. You look cute. I like that I’m allowed to say that now.”
“Jean, oh my god… I literally only just stopped blushing, you’re going to set me off again.”
“Good,” Jean laughed. “You look even cuter when you blush.”
Armin turned off the light, and Jean booed as he walked over to his bed and got in, pulling his blankets up over his chin.
“You do too,” he murmured, embarrassed.
“I don’t blush, Armin.”
“Yes you do! You were doing it earlier, when we - when we -”
“When we kissed?”
“Yeah,” Armin breathed. He was getting more and more flustered by the second.
“Alright, you got me there,” Jean said. “But it’s only because I like you so much.”
Armin beamed, a huge smile on his face.
“You really do?”
“I’ve only told you so a thousand times today. I thought you were smart?”
“Don’t be mean.”
“I’m just teasing,” Jean said, and then he hummed, sitting up and tugging the blankets off Armin’s face so he couldn’t hide. “There. That’s better.”
“You just want to make me blush, don’t you?”
“You know me so well,” Jean grinned, but as he looked up at Armin, the smile slowly slipped from his face.
“Jean?” Armin asked. He was nervous, because Jean didn’t ever look worried - he was always so confident, or at the very least pretending to be. Armin reached out, wanting to hold his hand. Jean reached up and their fingers locked together.
“I think you’re really beautiful,” he said quietly. Armin opened his mouth, but Jean kept going before he could interrupt. “I love your eyes. And your cute nose, and… I really like your lips.”
“Jean…”
“Let me speak,” Jean smiled, squeezing his hand. “You’re so smart… even if you couldn’t figure out I’ve liked you for years. You’re going to do really well at college. And you’d better not be all shy and stop yourself from making any friends. Make loads of friends, just don’t like any of them more than you like me, alright?”
“I promise,” Armin sniffed. He used his free hand to wipe the tears from his face. “You’re always going to be my favourite person.”
“I’m always going to be my favourite person too,” Jean joked, though his voice cracked a little and Armin knew he was close to tears. “I’m just kidding. I’m only my second favourite. You’re always first.”
“Idiot,” Armin laughed, crying even harder. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’m only at the end of the phone.”
“I know, but… I’ll miss this. Even if we only got to do it tonight.”
“I’m going to miss you too. So fucking much, you have no idea. But at least we have tonight.”
“You’re right,” Armin nodded, but he didn’t stop crying.
“Ar?”
“Yeah?”
“Promise you won’t forget this?” Jean asked, and Armin noticed immediately that he sounded a little insecure. He was worried too, Armin realised, but he’d been trying to reassure him first. His chest felt like it was going to burst open because he felt so much , and he channelled that surge of emotion into squeezing Jean’s hand as hard as he could.
“I promise,” he whispered.
As they both started to fall asleep, Armin let the hazy warmth of Jean’s hand holding his soothe his worries and fears about leaving. He and Jean had thirteen years of friendship, and Armin knew that as long as they both cared for each other, they could overcome whatever the next four years threw at them.
And it would be worth it.