Work Text:
Today was a day Ben had always dreaded. He would usually spend it getting drunk and picking fights somewhere in town just to at least feel the same amount of pain that he felt before he...
Paul was his first. First time, first love, first shot at happiness. Their whole lives ahead of them before that fateful night in Soho on a balmy night in July. He would keep that day with him forever. The sadness, but mostly, the guilt of provoking a fight and letting Paul out of his sight. He would always wonder what if?
This particular morning of lockdown, Ben awoke from a restless sleep. He thought this year would be different - having the love and support of his boyfriend to get through the tough times. But Callum wasn't here. Maybe it wasn't the only regret of spending lockdown apart. It seemed like a good idea at the time, with Callum being a key worker and the 2-bed flat with Stuart and Rainie becoming too crowded. Besides, his daughter Lexi would be enough sunshine to get him through the coming months.
Today he woke later than usual though. It was a quick check of his phone that brought him out of his slumber. Three texts, a missed call and a voicemail. Typical, he thought, considering he could barely hear a word. Throwing the phone back onto the bedside table and ignoring the notifications, he decided to get dressed. Maybe a walk would clear his head.
After venturing down the stairs, he came face to face with Phil. He didn't need his company - not today. He could see his Dad's attempt to make conversation - the white noise ever prominent in his ears, ringing louder than ever. Ben shrugged off whatever conversation he was trying to make and walked straight out of the front door, without giving Phil a second thought.
He could have gone to the Minute Mart, grabbed a bottle of whiskey to drown his sorrows like he usually did. But today Ben wandered into the park. It was a fairly warm day and the eerily peaceful nature of the kids playground pained in comparison to most summers. When he went to check the time he realised he hadn't put on his watch. With no phone either, Ben all of a sudden felt cut off from the real world.
The park had always been synonymous with Ben. First kisses and first times happened here. Memories of Paul pushing him against the refreshment hut. The feeling of Paul’s smooth lips against his own, stealing that first kiss. That one moment where he felt free for the first time, letting himself get lost in this guy that took a shine to him. A desperate need to feel something that wasn't self hate - to grab every second before he was rudely brought back to reality with a bump. Then, there was Callum...
Ben always wondered if fate was playing games with him when Callum texted to meet him in the park - the park that held so many “first time” memories for Ben. Looking back at both of them, Ben couldn't believe how similar those situations were. Paul showing Ben what it could be like to be out and open, not having a care what anyone else thought. And then Ben returning that sentiment to Callum in the middle of the night on a chilly evening in June. Though it was Callum who got lost in Ben that night. A mix of hot, open mouthed kisses and desperate hands on skin. The mounting tension between them over the previous days had just melted away, bringing their union to a beautiful, if not somewhat rushed, crescendo. It was Ben's turn to be out and proud and to show Callum what finally being alive felt like. Ben chuckled to himself at the memories, and for the first time that day, he smiled.
Ben's thoughts were interrupted as he spotted a police officer walk around the corner. Careful not to be out too long, he got up from his position on the bench and went to walk away, until he realised who the boy in blue really was.
Callum.
An unusual wave of relief came over Ben and his smile widened. Since lockdown, he had only seen Callum through Zoom and sometimes through the window when Callum was on the way to work, signing 'I love you' to each other.
As Callum approached him, Ben had the sudden realisation that this was the first time he had seen his boyfriend in uniform.
"Wow, if I'd have known police officers could be so sexy, I would have gone out and loitered on a park bench during lockdown more often." Ben said, adopting his usual snarky tone.
"Are you alright?" Callum signed. "I got a call from Lola. She said you just went straight out this morning and didn't tell anyone where you were going."
Ben's demeanour changed quickly as he remembered why he left the house in the first place. Had he really just pushed him to the back of his mind?
"I can walk you back? I'm on a break anyway." Callum smiled at him.That sunshine smile he always seemed to have - the one that made his face radiate beauty for all to see. Seeing that expression was always enough to draw the edges of Ben's mouth up to his small shy smile - the one he saved only for Callum.
They took a slow walk back to the square - a little less than the two metres allowed, he would admit. Ben placed his hands in his pockets, noticing Callum did the same, in fear that one or both of them would reach out to the other. It was so hard to be in each other’s presence but not fall back into the routine of constant reassuring touches that were felt and needed by both men. Ben also noticed the little detours Callum was taking them on to prolong the amount of time they spent with each other. And then Ben stopped still.
"It's been four years. Today it's… It's… Since Paul".
Callum turned towards Ben - they were standing parallel to each other now. Callum was waiting, patiently. Like he always did. Like he always had done. Ben shuffled a little closer and gazed into the depths Callum's ocean blue eyes.
"We weren't together long, you know, not properly anyway. We'd already been through so much before becoming us. I didn't make it easy for him, for Pam or for Les. We had planned our lives together. To grow old together," whispered Ben, turning his face away from Callum looking off into the distance and unable to face the adoration shown on his boyfriend's face whilst recalling the memories of his first love.
“Then in that one moment everything was snatched away from me - from us. If only I hadn’t found the confidence that day to hold his hand with pride, finally accepting who I was and what we were together, maybe it would never have happened...”
At this admission, Ben’s head fell down to his chest and he let out a quiet sob - his body defying the hard man image he always felt he had to portray.
Callum watched as a single tear slowly created a path down his cheek. He wanted so desperately to reach out and catch Ben's tears - to engulf him in his arms and never let go. But given their public surroundings he couldn’t risk bending the rules any further than they already had. He had to settle with doing his best in this weird situation and offer his undying support in the best possible way.
“Ben,” Callum said softly, his hands gesturing in the direction of where Ben's eyes were focused. “Ben,” he repeated slightly louder, his hands trying again to rouse the younger man from whatever sad memory was clearly replaying in his self-destructive mind.
Thankfully with this second attempt Ben had clearly seen Callum motioning for his attention. He slowly raised his head, eyes locked on to the older man's, for just a second. Frightened to expose too much of his soul, he dropped his vision down towards Callum’s lips, waiting to see what the older man wanted him to hear.
“Ben, if there's one thing you have taught me, it's to never be ashamed. I was scared to come out and you gave me the courage to do it. And I couldn't have done that without you by my side. What you did that day - holding Paul's hand - you showed courage. Showed the world that he was the man you loved. His death is not on you. Paul will forever and always be a part of your life. He made you the man you are now - the strong, cocky git that I'm madly in love with. I suppose I have a lot to be grateful for because of him. I'd have loved to have met him."
Callum continued to gaze into Ben's eyes longingly. The need to give him the reassuring comfort of touch that has become such a natural part of them becoming too much to ignore. Ben felt this too, so before either of them gave in to that want, that need he quickly sought to lighten the mood with his now somewhat dulled sense of humour.
"We’re almost home now, but if you keep looking at me like that I may end up dropping to my knees in public and we don't want you having to arrest me for public indecency now do we?" Ben quipped, giving Callum a cheeky wink.
“You really are something else, Ben.” Callum chuckled quietly to himself.
Callum held out his hand towards the younger man forming a gesture for him to follow - so close yet so far, as they completed the journey back to the house in contented silence.
They reached the back door of the Mitchell residence - the air somewhat clearer between them. The weight on Ben's shoulders slightly lifted as he thought to himself that the saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved' is all too true. Maybe, just maybe, it’s a mantra he could learn to live by. Perhaps there are good things that can come out of being in this weird-ass lockdown situation. If only he can learn to let himself be more open and honest...
For the final time in this short meeting, they gazed longingly at each other, desperate to hold on and never let go. Ben had put his heart on his sleeve for Callum for the first time since being drunk in Paul's old room, except this time he was sober.
"I have to get back. Are you going to be OK?" asked Callum.
"I will be. Pop over later when you finish? Just stand at the gate - not like, come in. I know you won't bend the rules."
Callum let out a small laugh at Ben knowing that they had been standing less than two metres apart for the majority of their time together today.
"Always," he replied. He signed 'I love you' and blew Ben a kiss before walking away.
***
A few hours had passed - it was a little after 6pm now. Lola had made dinner and was getting Lexi ready for bed. Phil had set himself in front of the TV for the rest of the evening. Ben went back to his bedroom and remembered the phone he had left on his bedside table. Ten texts, five missed calls and the voicemail from earlier.
Texts and calls from Lola asking where he'd gone off too. A text from Phil from this morning telling him to get out of bed. A 'good morning' text from Callum - that always made him smile. Perhaps he should have read the messages after all. The other missed call, however, was from Pam. Of course it was. She always cared for him since Paul.
Clearing the notifications, he settled on Callum. Opening the messages, Ben saw two texts from Callum - one of which was sent just after he left for the afternoon.
'I'm so proud of you and Paul would be too. I love you so much, Ben. Today couldn't have been easy for you but know that I'm always here for you x'
Before Ben could acknowledge the tear falling down his cheek, Phil came through the door. "Your boyfriend's outside."
Ben looked down at his phone and saw the second text from Callum, sent around ten minutes ago.
'I'm outside x'.
Ben launched himself past his dad and ran down the stairs, kitchen door already open and there he was, stood by the gate.
Callum.
His Callum.
The Callum that had taken on this absolute mess of a man as a first boyfriend. Paul would be laughing at them. Well, at Ben mostly. They stood there in a comfortable silence, gazing with a mutual adoration for each other.
"Sorry, I only just saw your text. Didn't mean to make you wait,” Ben offered.
"It's alright, though I think Phil was only happy I wasn't in uniform."
"Shame you can't bring it home. You really do look hot in it."
They both laughed. It was always so natural with Callum, Ben thought to himself. Almost always becoming a world where it was just the two of them - Ben and Callum, Callum and Ben - a life where one didn't exist without the other. A place where the chance of their joint happiness was there for the taking if only Ben could give himself the chance to grab it with both hands, run with it and never look back.
Thinking back to earlier, opening up to Callum had been a revelation. The world hadn’t suddenly spontaneously combusted. Ben now knew he could let his guard down. With this thought in mind, he plucked up the courage to address the waiting voicemail on his phone...
"I received a voicemail today. Would you… I mean if you don’t mind -"
"You want me to listen to it?" Callum interrupted, to which Ben nodded, shyly, as if he were a child coming home from school with grazed knees from a fight in the playground. Ben placed his unlocked phone by the draining rack for Callum to pick up, then took a pad and pen from the opposite side of the kitchen to give to Callum.
"Can you write down what it says for me? Please?" asked Ben.
Ben grabbed a chair from the kitchen and placed it outside next to Callum and motioned him to sit down. He then took a seat on the doorstep, gazing upwards to Callum as he began to write.
It was from Pam. It then suddenly dawned on Ben that he hadn't properly spoken to her since her visit last year.
'Hi Ben, I'm sorry I missed you but I hope you're keeping well. I would have sent you a card, but it's difficult to get out at the moment with what's been going on and Les has been going out of his mind. Anyway, I just wanted to say that we're both thinking of you today and if you need anything - anything at all - you know where we are. Oh, and give Callum my best. I hope he's looking after you today. He's such a sweet boy. Speak soon, love you.'
Ben finished reading the message and he looked towards Callum, tears in his eyes. "Thank you for today. I mean it. I don't know how it would have turned out if you weren't here. Next year, when all this is over, we will have to take a trip to see Pam and Les down in Worthing. Lexi would love a trip to the seaside."
"Yeah? You’d really want me to come?” Callum asked with a shining smile that made his eyes sparkle with delight.
"Of course! You heard Pam. Sweet boy like you? She loves you already! I'm serious, Callum. A family holiday. You, me and Lexi. I'll even let you buy me a stick of rock."
"Well in that case, I can't really say no, can I?"
They stayed in the Mitchell back yard for hours - laughing, joking, remembering. Next year it will be different, as long as they have each other. They promised.