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“Harry m’boy, you must learn to forgive and forget!” Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot and Supreme Mugwump of the ICW wisely warned the boy. Naturally, he probed Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell‘s ironclad occlumency shields furiously whist saying this. “There is no need for such dark magic and violence, surely the disarming charm would suffice.”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell snorted. How dare the senile old fool try to take the moral high ground and reprimand him for his noble and brave actions! “Firstly, it’s Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. You would do well to remember that and to acknowledge me as such. You do not have permission to use my first name in such an informal manner and should you repeat the mistake, you will be kicked out of your pitiful positions that you hold so dearly. Not even the Minister of Magic has even an ounce of the political power I have at my disposal!”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s large harem nodded in unison behind him. Dumbledork paled so hard he shat out a lemon drop. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell smirked as the senile old fool tried to compose himself, vanishing his droppings.

“My apologies Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, but surely that amount of responsibility is too much of a burden for an eleven year old boy to bear. Delegate your responsibilities to me and go have some youthful fun.” Dumb-as-door suggested, trying to mind fuck the boy simultaneously.

Unfortunately for Fumbledore, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell noticed the mind rape thanks to his humungous, beefy magical core that was throbbing so hard that all Voldemort’s horcruxes exploded.

“How dare you use your legilimency on me! The Wizengamot will have your head for this! Wait until my Godfather hears about this!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell loudly accused, before turning and striding out of the great hall. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem glared and the headmaster so hard it burned a hole through his new wand (the elder wand had been repossessed by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell in a rather lopsided duel).

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell apparated through the Hogwarts wards using his powers of ownership along with his harem. Once he arrived at the Potter Estate (which spanned 10,000 acres, had 17 swimming pools, 14 libraries and a private Veela brothel), Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell realised that he had never made that second point to the senile, old, and foolish headmaster about his outrageous accusations. Chalking it up to the fact that the author decided to write this at 2am, he entered his master bedroom with an expanding bed and prepared for the sixth orgy within the past hour, revelling in the fact that he was free of Bumblecork’s machinations once and for all.

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Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell strutted down Diagon Alley, flanked on either side by his gorgeous harem of beautiful girls. Despite only being eleven years old, the girls in his harem were absolutely stunning and looked at least eighteen years old. Of course, this was explained by the sheer concentration of magic around Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s bulbous magical core seeping into the surrounding area and speeding up their development and giving them the urge to bear his children.

The doors of Gringotts exploded off their hinges thanks to some wandless magic he learnt from Tommy boy’s scar^TM connection^TM that gave Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell all of his memories and skills. The warriors of the goblin nation burst into the room, only to be petrified by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s basilisk^TM glare^TM from his radiant avada kedavra orbs.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem swooned over such an amazing display of power.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell smirked as he approached the leader of the goblin nation: none other than ShitStain. Bowing deeply, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell spoke confidently. “Greetings Lord ShitStain of the Goblin Nation, it is I, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. I trust that your vaults are overflowing with gold and your sex slaves are more beautiful than ever.”

ShitStain raised an eyebrow at Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. Wizards never used the traditional goblin phrases! His second in command, CockGobbler wasn’t as impressed however, as he shouted at the powerful and wise Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. “HOW DARE YOU UTTER OUR SACRED GREETI---” CockGobbler was cut off by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell silencing him using even more wandless magic.

“I wish to claim the vaults of these families.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell commanded, as one of his many wives unraveled a scroll so long it rolled out the doors and read out a list of names.

An hour later, after every claim was begrudgingly processed by CockGobbler and all the vault contents transferred, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell bowed once again. “Lord ShitStain of the Goblin Nation, I thank your for your services. May your enemies be brutally slain, and gold be injected directly into your veins.”

Every goblin in the room (that hadn’t been petrified by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and had since suffocated to death) immediately bowed before Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. They were all so impressed with Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s politeness! Even CockGobbler, who was so in awe of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell that he fainted.

And so, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was declared the ruler of the Goblin Nation alongside ShitStain. Naturally, his first course of action was to banish CockGobbler from the Goblin Nation. CockGobbler was so enthralled by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell that he beheaded himself using a nearby goblin blade.

And then everyone clapped. (Apart from Grumblepore who was there the whole time, but the author forgot to give him any dialogue or importance to the plot, so instead he stalked off to slaughter some unicorns or something. Don’t worry, it’s for the Greater^TM Good^TM.)

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After leaving Gringotts, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell decided to do a bit of light shopping since he was already in Diagon Alley. Naturally, he also made purchases in Knockturn Alley since only fools categorised magic into light and dark. All magic was the same, it just depended on how it was used. After all, how could one defeat Mouldyshorts and his band of dick eaters if they could only disarm and stun them. They deserved no remorse, especially after they tragically killed his parents.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell let a solitary tear roll down his face in remembrance of his parents. This was promptly followed by his entire harem comforting Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, complementing our hero on his complex character, which was so deep and mysterious, leaving no room for any flaws.

This comforting also led to an orgy in the middle of Diagon Alley. Using his Master^TM Of^TM Death^TM Powers^TM, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell expanded his invisibility cloak to cover the orgy.

Eventually, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and his harem returned to Hogwarts, with many bags of items along with them. Amongst these items were, seven grimoires, three time turners with extra time turning ability, wand holsters, backup wands which conveniently matched with Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, various robes for many occasions with charms to change the size and colour of each, a Remembrall, contact lenses with more charms placed on them than a racing broom, a magically expanding trunk containing a portable mansion and a flock of phoenix-dragon hybrids keyed to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell.

Most of these items would have absolutely no plot relevance whatsoever and whether or not any of them would be used was entirely down to the author. After all, it’s better to be overprepared than to write yourself into a corner where Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell doesn’t have a convenient MacGuffin to overcome the plot. (Plus, it pads out the word count, so there’s that.)

Walking into Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s, private accommodation, his harem set to work unpacking the shopping. Whilst they did this, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell decided to go antagonise Mumblesnore for a bit. However, before he could go this, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s former friend slid around the corner.

It was Ronald Weasley!

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell snorted, accidently inhaling the stench of jealousy radiating from the blob in front of him who was trying to devour about twenty three roast potatoes in one mouthful. “What do you want, Weasley?”

“You just had to do it again! You always have to be in the spotlight, and you can’t leave any of the glory for me!” Ron jealously whined.

“Ronald, you should know by now, I don’t want the spotlight all the time. It is forced upon me by my position as the chosen one and future saviour of the wizarding world. I want nothing more than a quiet, peaceful life with my twenty nine wives.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell emotionally elaborated for the idiotic pile of fat before him.

To Ron ‘Jelly McJealousFace’ Weasley, twenty nine was a number far beyond his comprehension. How could he be expected to count that high? He only had eleven fingers! Even using his toes, that only got him up to seventeen! The though of so many wives compared to his harem of zero caused him to be hit by a pang of jealousy so hard that it destroyed the puny drop known as Ron’s magical core. The now squib Ronald Weasley slid off to mope about how unfair life was.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell gave his signature smirk as he walked off to nowhere in particular, the original plot for the chapter long forgotten.

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For dinner today, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell decided to sit with the Slytherins. Despite no longer belonging to any of the houses as owner of Hogwarts and having the ability to eat in his personal quarters or the staff table, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell strongly believed in inter-house unity.

Why couldn’t the other houses give Slytherin a chance? They weren’t a house of dark witches and wizards; they were just misunderstood. Take the young Mr Malfoy for example. He oh so bravely gave up the names and locations of Voldywart’s death eaters completely voluntarily. Of course this was out of the goodness of his golden heart and had absolutely nothing to do with the threat of life in Azkaban if he didn’t comply.

As Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell sat down (between Daphne Greengrass and Tracy Davis who were two of his many wives), Ronald Weasley scowled at Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell for sitting with the ‘slimy evil snakes’ whilst he inhaled an entire plate of bacon and lustfully leered at Hermione (another of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s wives).

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell killed the jealous, magicless, fat slob with his basilisk^TM glare^TM for this.

Nobody else in the great hall even batted an eye at the completely deserved cold blooded murder of the boy except for his younger sister: Ginny (who despite this being set in first year is already at Hogwarts).

Ginny attempted to seductively saunter over to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, but unfortunately for her, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s standards were far higher than the childish harlot before him.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Haaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrryyyyyy…” Ginny whispered in Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s ear, draping her body over him, while pouring a potion into his pumpkin juice.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell windlessly threw the girl across the great hall, taking a sniff of his pumpkin juice.

“I knew it!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell intelligently exclaimed, standing up for all the students to hear. “Love potions!”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem reacted by gasping in shock and/or hexing Ginny’s unconscious body.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell windlessly cast a fully corporeal, golden patronus which took the form of a fusion of powerful creatures including (but not limited to) a phoenix, a basilisk, a griffin, a dragon, a nundu and death herself. “Go to Madam Bones at the Ministry of Magic, tell her a student attempted to use a love potion on me!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell heroically instructed the patronus before it flew out of the great hall.

“I can’t believe she would do such a thing!” Susan Bones cried. “I’m glad you contacted my aunt, she’s the only ministry worker you can trust in this fanfiction! All the others are either Lumblenork’s pawns or death eaters!”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell wisely nodded in agreement. “Once Tommy Boy is defeated, I will gallantly dedicate my time to completely reform the ministry to remove all corruption forever!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell nobly proclaimed as his harem swooned.

Suddenly, Madam Bones burst into the great hall with the entire auror department to arrest Ginny. Mrs Weasley, who had been scheming with Womblespork screeched at the head of the DMLE. “HOW DARE YOU ARREST MY DAUGHTER FOR SUCH A CHILDISH ACTION. MY LOVE POTIONS ARE JUST SOME COMPLETELY HARMLESS FUN AND GAMES! HONESTLY, THE ENTIRE AUROR DEPARTMENT DISPATCHED TO ARREST ONE LITTLE GIRL! YOU ALL SHOULD BE ASHAM-”

Madam Bones stunned and arrested Mrs Weasley for this. Everyone else in the great hall sighed in relief once their ears stopped ringing.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell stood upon the Slytherin table and passionately warned the remainder of the students. “Let this be a lesson to you all, love potions are horrible things, on par with the unforgivable curses and should never be used.”

One of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s unnamed wives who had no relevance to the plot other than this single line of dialogue turned towards Hannah Abbot (one of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s wives). “Ooh, he’s so sensitive.” She lovingly fawned as she blushed redder than her Gryffindor robes.

Chapter Text

Ever since Quirrell fled from Hogwarts with a vial of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s blood at the start of the year (Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell vowed that he would never be caught off guard again), the defense against the dark arts lessons had been taught by Jumblyzorg.

For everyone except Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell that is. He hired a private tutor for that subject alongside potions where he, his harem and those he deemed worthy (like the heroic Draco Malfoy) received a higher quality education than that offered by the greasy grudge-bearing git.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was on his way to one of those lessons, taught by a Mr P. Lot De Vice when he encountered what appeared to be a bulbous toad in a pink cardigan. Deciding to do a good deed for once, he approached the toad, determined to return it to it’s owner (presumably his wife, fem-Neville).

“Hem hem.” The toad coughed. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell realised that this wasn’t actually a toad, just a very ugly woman.

“As Dolores Umbridge, Head Senior Over-Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic and Lord High Ultra Inquisitor of Hogwarts, you are hereby expelled in correspondence to Educational Decree number 4,513. Furthermore, I am confiscating all of your possessions, and binding your magic as punishment for breaking Educational Decree number 7,398.” The toad pompously declared; her fat nose held up at a below average altitude.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell gave his signature^TM smirk^TM of^TM superiority^TM. “How dare you demand anything of me? Do you know who I am? I am Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, slayer of Rollybort, master of death and owner of Hogwarts! You have no power here!” he valiantly scolded the toad, stunning her once again with his trusty basilisk^TM glare^TM.

He sent his radiant golden patronus off to gather the entire Wizengamot for an impromptu meeting to face his ire. Roughly grabbing the hideous woman, he apparated them through the wards to the Ministry as he alerted his harem through his soul bonds.

Once the Wizengamot arrived, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell took his rightful seat, which used to belong to the Minister of Magic (it was the most comfortable and Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was the most politically powerful person in the room).

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell  stood up to address the Wizengamot. “Dearest members of the Wizengamot, I have come before you today with this sorry excuse for a witch, none other than Borores Dumbridge. She tried to bind my magic and expel me from my own school using decrees which I had not even supported!” Several members of the Wizengamot gasped at this.

“Furthermore through one of my many convenient and overpowered abilities, I have discovered a blood quill in her office! I demand she be removed from Hogwarts and arrested!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell demanded.

Naturally, the result was a landslide and only the death eaters, Tumblegorge, and the Minister voted against it.

“You can’t do that! I approved those decrees!” Cornelius Fudge protested. Lucius Malfoy nodded, his luscious locks waving magnificently.

“Shut up Fudge! I have enough evidence of bribes, illegal activities and general incompetence for you to be arrested as well!” Madam Bones revealed, pulling out several large folders.

“That’s treason!” Fudge shouted as he was dragged away by an auror.

“Not if Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell told me to, given his immense levels of magical and political power.” She retorted, successfully completing her coup and becoming the new Minister of Magic, fully endorsed by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell.

The rest of the meeting was filled with inconsequential things such as increasing the DMLE budget, giving Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell complete immunity to any and all laws and giving Sirius Black a trial.

Of course, Krumblyvore tried to block all of this but was shot down by the combined efforts of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and the Minister. All in all, it was a very good day for Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell as he turned to leave the Wizengamot with his harem.

Suddenly, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s Master^TM of^TM Death^TM Future^TM Sight^TM alerted him to the fact that Trolldevorg was outside, giving him enough time to create a wandless shield over his harem, the Minister, and his harem’s parents.

Voldebore blasted through the door and killed a few background characters, before turning to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. “Let this be a lesson to all of those who defied me!” Mouldymort cackled evilly, casting fiendfyre with his wand, and apparating away.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell destroyed the fiendfyre using a wandless water spell from one of the grimoires he purchased from Diagon Alley in chapter three. Unfortunately for auror Dawlish, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell wasn’t quick enough to prevent him from being burnt alive after he tripped over his robes.

Today officially marked the beginning of the war. But not for some, as Fudge could still be heard snapping that Juulmort hadn’t returned and Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was a liar.

Chapter Text

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was sitting with the Gryffindors for breakfast that morning, enjoying the relative quiet due to the lack of the fat slob known as Ronald Weasley complaining about everything. He was using this opportunity to read both the Daily Prophet and the Quibbler. As Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was the majority shareholder of both newspapers (the Daily Prophet reported actual news now), he always received his newspapers earlier than everyone else.  Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell smiled when he read the front page of the Daily Prophet:

Weasley Potions Mistresses to receive the Dementor’s kiss after attempted seduction of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell!

“Its good to see the ministry doing something for a change, now that Susan’s aunt is Minister of Magic!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell said whilst skimming through the article. Of course, Minister Bones had arrested all the death eaters in the Ministry within the past week since she became Minister of Magic.

His musing was interrupted by Fay Dunbar, one of his many wives. “Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, look!” She shouted, pointing towards the flock of owls above them.

It was Hedwig, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s familiar bonded owl! Hedwig gracefully swooped down and not so accidentally lacerated Zacharias Smith, delivering a letter bearing the official seal of Gringotts.

Dearest Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell,

It has come to our attention that there have been major discrepancies regarding the Potter vaults. Furthermore, not a single bank statement has successfully made it to you.

Upon further investigation, it has been discovered that significant funds have been transferred from the Potter vaults to the Weasley locker and a muggle bank account in the name of Vernon Dursley.

We assure you that this will never happen again.

Yours truly, Shitstain – Lord of the Gobin Nation and Gringotts

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell tightened his fist, thinking about the one manipulative old coot that was to blame for this:

Fungalstore!

Right on cue, the senile headmaster made his appearance, unable to let Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell receive knowledge of his bribery.

“Harry m’boy, you must hand me that letter.” Stumbledrawer commanded in his grandfatherly voice whilst attempting to cast a wandless compulsion charm despite not having the skill or power to do so because Trundlewar needs to be weak enough to have his arse clapped by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell  laughed at the stupidity of the senile old fool before responding to his outrageous demand. “Mr Yodelnorg, you have no right to redirect my mail or give you my confidential letters! Furthermore, you cannot steal money from my vaults to bribe the Weasleys to spy on me and to fund your illegal vigilante organisation. Yes, I know about your Disorder of the Overcooked Chicken!”

Squabblypork looked absolutely livid. How dare someone know any of his secrets without being spoon-fed information over seven years before being sent to their death!

 “I will have Minister Bones remove you from your position as headmaster for this scandal!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell continued, before the senile old fool stomped off to scheme some more.

Once he was sure that Not-So-Humbledore was gone, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell wrote a reply to ShitStain. Unfortunately, as the manipulative old coot was screening his outgoing mail, Hedwig couldn’t be used to deliver the letter.

Because of their familiar bond, Hedwig knew this and flew back to her private owlery, but not before eviscerating the bleeding Zacharias Smith’s bowels with her eye^TM lasers^TM.

“Dobby!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell called. The comically overexcited house elf appeared before Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell had even finished his name.

Hermione gasped. “How could you use a house elf! They are slaves and slavery is bad!” she wisely told her husband.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell proceeded to correct the uneducated muggleborn Hermione about how slavery of house elves was okay for the next hour. However, the author couldn’t be bothered to write this part out, nor could they come up with a suitable fanon reason for why slavery is justified, beneficial and morally acceptable (it isn’t. Thank you for coming to my TED talk).

“I’m so sorry Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. I wasn’t thinking from the pureblood point of view, having grown up in a muggle household where I was taught that slavery is fundamentally abhorrent. I hope you somehow find it in your golden heart to forgive me.” Hermione bawled, not bearing to look into his dazzling, avada kedavra orbs.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, being the kind and sensitive protagonist he was, forgave Hermione for her error. This prompted another orgy once the harem returned to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s private quarters.

Chapter Text

With Shoulderwart having publicly revealed his resurrection a week ago, Jinglyoar decided that it was necessary to reform his illegal vigilante organisation to counter the dark lord by doing… absolutely nothing. Tonight, was to be the first proper meeting now that Doubledoor had rounded up the old pawns… err… guard, that’s right, the old guard.

Originally Sirius Black had no intentions of allowing the manipulative old coot to host his meetings in his family home, but Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell told him that they could spy on him if they let Mordor’s Disorder of the Overcooked Chicken into the house.

Otherwise, how would Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell antagonise and undermine the senile old fool in front of his private KFC militia?

“Prongslet^TM, spawn of James and dearest pup^TM, welcome!” Sirius greeted Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell as he apparated through the fidelius charm without knowing the secret thanks to one of his master^TM of^TM death^TM abilities.

“Dogfather^TM!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell enthusiastically responded, hugging his godfather who he hadn’t seen since he was a baby.

“Dumbledum and his lot are in the kitchen, luckily I set up a convenient ward which blocks all legilimency, compulsion charms and potions, so you can heroically convert them to your more legal vigilante group.” His dogfather^TM explained while Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem arrived. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell thanked Sirius for his work and turned to enter the kitchen.

“By the way, I also got Kreacher to kick Dumbledee’s shins every time he walks past! Who knew that all you had to do was be nice to get Kreacher to like you!” Sirius added.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell pushed open the kitchen doors, immediately powering through all the locking charms and concealment charms.

“Harry m’boy, you shouldn’t be here, you are too young. Go enjoy your youth and leave the serious discussions to us adults!” Apple-Crumbledore began, trying to thrust his legilimency probe through Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s mind, only to discover he had been foiled yet again.

“Not this time, Smellier-Than-Boar!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell proclaimed, flanked by his dogfather^TM and his harem.

“How dare you disrespect the great Dumbledore!” Emmeline Vance, one of the minor characters in Dumb-And-Poor’s cremated chicken club objected.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell gave his signature look of superiority as he listed every single one of FrostyLore’s shortcomings from his placement at the Dursley’s (where they abused him to ridiculous levels encouraged by the old coot himself), to his lack of action in the week since the war began, to his unsettling obsession with muggle candy.

All in all, at the end of his tirade, Oldysnore was livid, all the major characters in the room had taken Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s side and the handful of minor characters in the room were screaming obscenities at Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. Now, there was silence as everyone in the room waited for him to speak, but he was speechless. Once again, he had been bested by the eleven year old who slipped out from his crusty thumb!

Luckily for the senile old fool, he didn’t need to say anything thanks to a spontaneous auror raid led by Minister Bones herself (Sirius had given them the secret beforehand).

“In accordance to this new law created by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, you are under arrest for being apart of Underscore’s Disorder of the Overcooked Chicken!” Minister Bones declared.

“This is outrageous, it’s unfair!” whined Mundungus Fletcher as he tried to pickpocket someone.

“This is perfectly legal. However, since all you fan favourite, major characters have evidently denounced this old coot, you are all pardoned.” she told the group before her, motioning towards everyone near Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell.

Once every minor chicken club member was arrested (apart from Paramore, who escaped as the plot demanded that he needs to be bashed some more before receiving his comeuppance), Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell addressed everyone in the house. “You are all of the major characters that aren’t death eaters or pawns of the manipulative one, thus you’re all worthy of super^TM secret^TM knowledge^TM that Dinosaur has been keeping from you!”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell proceeded to tell the good disorder members, Minister Bones, his harem and the good, competent aurors that Minister Bones bought with her about the prophecy, horcruxes and everything else that the senile old fool kept to himself, solely to spite him as the prophecy was fake and the horcruxes were already destroyed.

Meanwhile, in his office at Hogwarts, the old coot sensed that Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell had revealed his secrets he kept for the Greater^TM Good^TM to many others. This of course gave him a nonfatal heart attack that he would be magically cured of by his next appearance in the fic.

Chapter Text

It was five o’clock in the morning at Hogwarts and Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was running around the Great Lake. He had taken up the habit in order to become stronger as wizards never suspected being hit physically in a fight (one of the many reasons why Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell believed muggles were vastly superior to wizards).

Furthermore, this light exercise expanded his throbbing magical core and kept his toned^TM Quidditch^TM body^TM in shape, something that his harem greatly enjoyed.

As he approached the castle, he encountered Gred and Forge (despite these names only being mentioned once in canon, I will use them exclusively as it is peak humour). Gred and Forge were the only Weasleys at Hogwarts that Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell could trust, so he decided to see what they were up to.

“Hi…” said Gred.

“…Harry!” Forge added.

“We…”

“...speak…”

“...like…”

“…this…”

“…now…”

“…as…”

“…if…”

“…we’re…”

“…a…”

“…single…”

“…entity…”

“…rather…”

“…than…”

“…just…”

“…twins…”

“…who…”

“…are…”

“…on…”

“…the…”

“…same…”

“…wavelength.”

“It’s twinspeak!” Gred and Forge exclaimed in unison before spotting Snape, leaving Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell to prank the greasy git.

Deciding to end his exercise there, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell went to the great hall for breakfast where he sat with the Ravenclaws.

“Good morning Harry.” One of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell ‘s many wives, Luna Lovegood said dreamily. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell greeted her in return, before eating his breakfast in a refined manner unlike the fat slob that was bribed by Panpour to be his friend.

However, this civilised consumption of edible items was interrupted by Marietta Edgecombe. “Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, why would you sit with Loony Lovegood?” she sneered, with unnamed Ravenclaws #1, #2 and #3 providing moral support or something (I don’t know, they never have any dialogue).

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell glared at the horrible girl. How dare she insult any of his twenty-nine wives! He nobly defeated all four aggressors in the blink of an eye and was about to kill them with his basilisk^TM glare^TM when Luna stood between him and the helpless Ravenclaws who were now comedically begging for their lives.

“Don’t kill them, they’re not worth it!” she wisely told him.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell smiled at her. “You’re right, I should just Let It Go.”

“Don’t be silly Harry, that movie doesn’t come out for another twenty years!” she pensively replied.

“How did you know that about my pop culture reference that the author used to project their interests in the story, despite the fact that I should have no business knowing given my childhood ?” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell asked his wife.

“I’m a seer of course!” she stated. “My canon quirkiness has been exaggerated to the point where I know the future.” Luna proceeded to skip off while singing about the recently discovered (by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell) Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell left the Ravenclaws with Professor Flitwick and went back to his breakfast, although, a few moments later, Hermione came over to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. “Whilst you bravely saved Luna, Hedwig arrived with your mail!” she said, passing him two letters.

The first was from his team of lawyers. Apparently, they had shut down all of the illegal merchandise using his name and claimed a substantial settlement. This made Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell very happy. How could those people profit from his name without his permission! Now they finally got what they deserved.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s good mood immediately disappeared when he read the next letter. “It’s from my parents!” Hermione gasped.

Any mention of Hermione’s parents made Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s blood go cold. Despite being the most powerful being in the world, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was utterly terrified of Dan^TM and Emma^TM Granger. This fear had absolutely no basis as both were muggles and had no power compared to him, but the plot demands that there be comedy.

“Don’t be scared Harry, it’s just my parents…” Hermione assured him, kissing his cheek.

“Yes… but they’re Dan^TM and Emma^TM Granger, they threatened me with unspeakable consequences!” he countered.

Hermione laughed as the rest of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem approached the pair with a predatory^TM gleam^TM in their eyes and dragged Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell to Hogsmeade to do some shopping.

Darn! Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s only other weakness: clothes shopping. The thought of spending hours on end as his harem’s packhorse made him strongly consider leaving immediately for Nepal, where he intended to live as a goat.

Meanwhile, in a dingy pub in Hogsmeade, Aberforth Dumbledore suddenly found himself highly aroused.

Chapter Text

After a few hours of being subjected to the torture that is clothes shopping, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem finally allowed him some rest at the Three Broomsticks.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and his harem were enjoying a round of butterbeers when they heard screaming outside. “It’s the death eaters!” background Hufflepuff #1 yelled before hiding under a table.

“Attacking children… what a cowardly move.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell emotionally sighed as he ran out the door alongside his harem (naturally, he wandlessly cast anti-portkey and anti-apparition wards before he’d even left his seat).

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell wandlessly eviscerated two death eater grunts as he transformed into his phoenix animagus form to dodge the flurry of curses sent from the remainder of the death eaters. During these evasive manoeuvres, he spotted Draco Malfoy running back towards the castle. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell complimented the Malfoy heir on his quick thinking, going to get assistance at the castle (it’s not like Draco was selfishly fleeing for his life or anything).

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem were duelling the death eaters as he switched to his lion animagus form, tearing through another three unnamed death eaters with his paws.

A purple curse was sent towards Hermione, however Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was having none of that, casting a beaming golden shield to easily absorb the spell. Turning towards the aggressor, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell effortlessly banished the man’s mask to reveal none other than Antonin Dolohov.

“Scowlyshorts couldn’t even face me himself? What a weak, spineless man…” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell heroically scoffed at the inner circle death eater.

His harem all agreed, giving praises to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s bravery.

“How dare you speak the dark lord’s na—” Dolohov began to retort, however Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was bored of playing with the man and snapped his neck wandlessly.

By now, all the death eaters had been killed (Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell couldn’t risk them escaping Azkaban again) except for one, who was frantically trying to find an exit.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell apparated directly in front of the short, fat slob of a death eater (he was powerful enough to apparate through the wards) and bound him. He would use this death eater for intel before killing him. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell vanished the death eater’s mask to discover their identity.

It was Ronald Weasley!

The fat slob laughed at Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. “Do you want to know how I’m here after you murdered me in chapter four?”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell actually didn’t care all too much. In fact, nobody did.

“You see, being paid by Dumbledore to befriend you had it’s benefits. To secure my loyalty, he taught me how to create a horcrux. Of course, a horcrux requires me to kill someone for it to work. Who better to kill than one of the background slimy snakes? Good thing I did, as a couple of days later, you killed me.” Ron monologued (as all villains do).

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell cursed Quibblergore and his Greater^TM Good^TM. His machinations must be stopped!

His thoughts of the manipulative old coot were interrupted when the fat slob continued his origin story. “Through a combination of my jealousy and plot armour, I clung to life. Eventually, the dark lord assisted in my revival in exchange for my services as a death eater!”

Despite being the sole reason for this, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was hurt by the fat slob’s betrayal. His harem comforted him as death eater Ron was arrested by the aurors (who arrived comically late as usual).

Once the aurors left, Meteor decided to make his appearance. “Harry m’boy, how could you use such violent methods to deal with the death eaters. They deserve their chance for redemption, m’boy!” he wisely scolded.

“That’s rich coming from you, Denethor! How could you teach that jealous leech about horcruxes!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell rightfully countered, marching off with his harem.

“My goals are beyond your understanding.” Manticore said to nobody in particular, as all the named characters had already left the scene by now. Shaking his head, the senile old fool disregarded Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s thoughts as he did with anyone other than himself. Nobody else understood the extent of his machinations or the Greater^TM Good^TM he strived for.

He would have to plan out a way to get Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell back under his manipulative thumb. But for now, he settled on popping a lemon drop into his mouth (obviously not one of the potion laced ones, it wouldn’t do for Commodore to give away his secrets).

Chapter Text

“Good, just give it some more power! You want those death eaters to really feel the snap of their bones with this one!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell complimented unnamed Ravenclaw wife #1 as she snapped one of the training dummy’s wooden arms with a bone breaking curse.

It was Friday evening, so Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was teaching his private militia of underaged students disguised as the Defence^TM Association^TM club. Professor Flitwick, the club^TM sponsor^TM was quietly observing Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s impeccable teaching skills.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell took a moment to assess the students before him. Of course, only those Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell could trust were invited to the Defence^TM Association^TM. This included his harem (obviously), Gred and Forge, a bunch of minor characters and most importantly, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s new best friend: Draco Malfoy.

He smiled as he saw the Malfoy heir deep in thought, presumably thinking about ways he could improve his bone breaker and definitely not plotting to kidnap Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell to deliver him to Scaldingport. Draco wouldn’t do such a thing; he was a redeemed man.

Fem-Neville on the other hand, wasn’t doing so well. The intent and power was there (Fem-Neville had quite a large magical^TM Core^TM herself, although it was nowhere near the size of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s), but only a trickle of magic was coming out her wand. So Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell decided to go and troubleshoot the problem.

“By any chance is that wand not particularly suited for you?” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell wisely asked.

“It… it was my father’s wand.” Fem-Neville shyly replied, blushing redder than the tomatoes he grew in his personal^TM Hogwarts^TM greenhouse^TM because she had the greenest of thumbs.

“Why don’t you use your own wand?” he questioned, seeing the lack of suitability between her and the wand from where he was standing using his magic^TM sight^TM.

“Well… erm, my gran, she says that if it was good enough for Dad… it is good enough for me.” Fem-Neville said, cutely looking down at the floor.

“You know, the wand chooses the wizard.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell told him, quoting Ollivander.

Fem-Neville’s eyes widened. “As always, you’re right! Thanks Harry.” She ran off to get a new wand.

By the time the lesson had ended, Fem-Neville returned with a new and more compatible and.

“Try it out then.” He said, willing the room to create a few more dummies.

Fem-Neville eagerly shouted “Bombarda!”, blowing up half the room with her sheer magical ability (naturally, if Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell had done the same thing, he could’ve exploded forty rooms of requirement with one spell).

“Wow, that was far better.” Fem-Neville confidently stated. Her canon character arc had now been completed, giving her Deathly Hallows levels of confidence, leadership and strength. She willed the sword of Gryffindor into her hand before boldly leaving the room.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell followed her out a minute later, only to bump into Filch.

“Watch it, Potter!” Filch sneered.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell fired Filch and banished him from the castle for being a bad person.

“Well, now Hogwarts needs a new caretaker.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell said to himself. “Winky!”

The house elf instantly appeared before her master. “Lordy Hadry has called for Winky!”

“Congratulations Winky! You’ve been promoted to Caretaker!” he told her.

The prospect of additional work exited Winky so much that she fell down all seven flights of stairs.

“Hello…” Gred greeted, slapping Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell on the shoulder.

“…Harry!” Forge added, slapping Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s other shoulder.

“Great…”

“…job…”

“…getting…”

“…rid…”

“…of…”

“…Filch.”

“We…”

“…have…”

“…a…”

“…business…”

“…opportunity…”

“…for…”

“…you.”

Gred and Forge told Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell about their plan to open a joke shop. Their only issue was a lack of funding, which Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell resolved rather quickly, with Gred and Forge receiving 1000 galleons in exchange for twenty-five percent of Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes.

Despite the Gred, Forge and Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell being thirteen, thirteen and eleven respectively, they completed all the paperwork involved. Through Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s familiar^TM bond^TM, Hedwig arrived to deliver the legal documents to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s team of lawyers and Griphook.

Between chapters, Griphook was made the accounts manager for all of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s vaults because he remembered the Goblin’s name from that one time at the start of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Thanks to Griphook the stock market god, his wealth increased tenfold due to wise investments using the author’s future knowledge of muggle companies.

As always, it worked out perfectly for Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, despite Griphook being horrendously underqualified for the position as his previous job was the goblin equivalent of a train driver.

Chapter Text

By now, the author was eleven chapters into the story. During those nearly eight and a half thousand words, the big bad evil guy had only appeared in a singular scene where he accomplished very little (and no, I am not talking about the senile old fool). So, let’s go check up on him for a bit.

At Malfoy Manor, the Dork Lord Baldisquawk was livid. He had discovered just how badly their attack on Hogsmeade went from the lone surviving death eater. After breaking out another handful of death eaters from Azkaban (with Ron Weasley among them), he’d interrogated the fat slob for the past hour. Very little useful information had been gathered as the fat slob spent most of the time complaining about Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s wealth, harem, and power.

Foldemorgue got bored of Ron’s constant whining and tortured him for a bit. That’ll show the fat slob what happens when you fail the Dick Lard!

Eventually, his inner circle arrived to plan their next actions. And by plan, Coldshorts would tell them what to do and the death eaters would compliment their genius. Except for Snape, who would give him the latest intelligence from Hogwarts before complimenting the Cork Board.

“Greetings, loyal followers of mine. It has recently come to my attention that the most recent attempt to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies has failed miserably.” Split-my-soul-a-lot begin, gesturing towards the twitching blob of black robes and red hair.

“My Lord, who could have done such a thing?” Lucius Malfoy asked, his glorious hair shimmering in what little light there was in the room. His wife was much less expressive, opting to raise her perfectly^TM shaped^TM brows^TM instead.

“None other than Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell!” the Dark Sword revealed.

Ron perked up at the mention of his nemesis.

“Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell is an arrogant fool!” Snape sneered.

“You are very right Severus. But we cannot allow this to continue, soon we will attack Hogwarts and Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell will be destroyed!” Airport declared. The death eaters complimented him on his Slytherin cunning.

By the end of the meeting, the master plan had been created. Soon, the death eaters would be able to assault Hogwarts head on, despite it being a terrible strategy which went against their tactical strengths. The only reason for doing this was that Childsupport had to be able to be outsmarted by the eleven year old Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell.

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was going to his privately tutored potions lesson with his harem.

“Thanks, for setting this up for all of us Harry. Even most of us Slytherins dislike the greasy git.” Tracey Davis truthfully said. The Slytherin portion of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem nodded in agreement.

Tapping into the Hogwarts wards, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell sighed. “Speak of the devil and he shall come.”

And with that, Snape glided around the corner. “Potter. 10,000 points from Gryffindor for existing.”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell smirked at the man. “First of all, Mr Snape, it is Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell to you. You’re probably the last person I’d allow to acknowledge me with a shortened name. Secondly, I am no longer any part of Gryffindor house, so your points deduction has no basis. And finally, as owner of Hogwarts, I am overturning your points deduction. 10,000 points to Gryffindor for a grave misjustice.”

Elsewhere in the castle, Candystore felt a wave of happiness. For once, one of his convoluted machinations was going well.

“You’re just like your father. 50,000 points from Gryffindor and a month of detentions!” Snape glared.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell glared back. “50,000 points to Gryffindor. One more step out of line and there will be consequences!”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem laughed at the display of pettiness coming from the overgrown bat. Of course, this redirected Snape’s ire.

“Mrs Greengrass, surely you of all people should know not to associate yourself with Potter. 5 points from Slytherin for encouraging this childish behaviour.” Snape ironically scolded.

The Ice^TM Queen^TM of^TM Slytherin^TM gave the man a frosty stare with her icy blue orbs. “I am merely making connections with the upper echelons of wizarding society. Surely you of all people should know that, seeing as it was one of the first pieces of advice you gave us.” She coolly replied.

“Dearest Daphne, 5 points to Slytherin for promoting inter-house cooperation.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell warmly told her, before turning towards the greasiest of all the gits. “As for you Mr Snape the owner of Hogwarts, I am putting you on probation^TM, thanks to the power of ownership.”

“You insolent whelp!” Snape shouted, drawing his wand to hex Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell.

Unfortunately for him, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was faster, banishing the bat all the way back to his office.

“Oh my gosh, Harry. That was so hot!” Hannah Abbott complimented as Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem swooned to various degrees.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and his harem proceeded to have an orgy before finally heading to the private tutor’s potions class as if nothing happened.

Chapter Text

It was the final day before the Easter holidays, so many students were furiously packing their belongings. Except for Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell of course. He just got Dobby to do it for him.

Imagine not having a personal house elf at Hogwarts? Fucking peasants.

Whilst Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell  was lording over the common folk, Dobby snapped his fingers, causing all his possessions to fly into his magically expanding trunk that he hadn’t used yet in this fanfiction.

Despite being the owner of the school, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell took every opportunity to leave the school, solely to escape the manipulative headmaster’s machinations. He could always just replace Coldsore with a competent headteacher, but that would remove the majority of the conflict in the story.

Flanked by his harem, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell strolled towards the Hogwarts Express. Once he reached the platform, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell noticed none other than the senile old fool intently gazing into his eyes.

“Harry m’boy, you must stay at Hogwarts!” Sycamore told him in a grandfatherly^TM voice^TM.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell scoffed. “You cannot tell me what to do old man! I am Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and I can do whatever I want!”

“In that case, by virtue of being in loco^TM parentis^TM, I forbid you from leaving. It is far too dangerous placing you somewhere Voldemort or his followers can get to!” countered Singapore, playing his ace.

Just then, Ron Weasley walked past them as he returned to the castle.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell raised an eyebrow at the old coot.

“Harry m’boy. Young Mr Weasley has redeemed himself between chapters, you must learn to give others a second chance!”

“You seem to forget that he willingly murdered a first year Slytherin to receive his dark mark. I refuse to go anywhere near that fat slob ever again!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell rightly shouted.

Ramdeuter sighed. “I am very disappointed in you m’boy. I am afraid I must take 10 points from Gryffindor for this offense. How could you accuse your best friend of such things? Surely he had his reasons for his actions.”

“Murdering an innocent person is inexcusable, no matter how you put it.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell stated, before looking at his digital watch (which had been protected against magic by using more magic). “Anyway, your role in loco^TM parentis^TM only applies during term time which ended… two minutes ago.”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell hopped on the train just as it left, leaving a very flustered Ecuador behind.

“He is getting to independent for his own good. I must make him see the light.” Chancellor muttered.

Meanwhile, Ron was stalking around the castle. It was far easier to infiltrate Hogwarts than he expected. The senile old fool believed in second chances for everyone so all he had to do was give a half-hearted apology to the headmaster and he was back to his old life. Mostly.

“Ron m’boy, I have an important mission for you.” Providore told him. “You must repair the vanishing cabinet in the room of requirement to lure the death eaters to Hogwarts. I hope that their presence may remove some of Harry’s support in the inevitable skirmish.”

The fat slob grinned. Anything that involved Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell finally receiving his long overdue comeuppance was good in his books.

Well… not books. Ron didn’t read. When the dark lord took over, he’d get Hermione to read for him. One of the two things a mudblood such as herself was good for. Detailing the other would force the author to increase the rating.

His good mood was interrupted however when a black, evil owl flew through the window. It dropped a letter in Ron’s hand, screeched at Soggymoore, and engaged in an aerial dual with Fawkes which continued all the way through the castle.

Baltimore chuckled at the antics of Fawkes and the owl which definitely didn’t belong to Funkymort. He bid farewell to Ron and left. Ron shrugged before reading the letter.

Weasley.

If you are reading this, your infiltration was a success. Despite your catastrophic failure at Hogsmeade, I am entrusting an important mission to you. There is a rare and valuable vanishing cabinet located in the room of requirement.

Fix it. Once this has been accomplished, a taskforce of my most trusted followers will emerge to destroy our enemies from within. In particular, that foolish Potter boy.

Do not fail me again.

Voldemort.

This was perfect. Since he’d been given the same mission twice, Ron was much surer in his limited ability to recall what had actually been asked of him. Remembering more than one thing at a time was beyond the fat slob.

With his mood elevated by the series of fortunate events, Ron entered the room and got to work. After a few minutes of searching, Ron eventually found the conveniently labelled vanishing cabinet. However, that bought up a major issue.

Ron had no idea what a vanishing cabinet was, or how to fix one.

Luckily for him, the room could provide. A book dropped onto the floor in front of him.

Vanishing cabinet repair for dummies.

Ron groaned. The room replaced the book with a significantly shorter one.

Vanishing cabinet repair for dummies (picture book).

That’s more like it! Ron liked picture books. Picture books were simple.

Chapter Text

Bubblylawn was absolutely livid. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell had escaped from his clutches once again! The boy just didn’t understand the danger that was the evil Teleport. He had to find a way to get him back to Hogwarts.

Checking one of the hundred instruments in his office, El Salvador discovered that Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was at the Granger girl’s house. This gave him an idea.

As a muggle house, it would have little to no warding whatsoever, making it an easy target. Furthermore, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell would be unable to defend himself as he was still a minor.

If he ‘accidentally leaked’ her address to the wrong person, it was almost guaranteed that Genitalwart would send some not so friendly guests. Then he could swoop in and save the helpless boy at the last moment, proving to him that under his thumb, err, Hogwarts… yes, Hogwarts was the safest place to be.

Of course, the Grangers would probably die, but it was a (rather minor) sacrifice he was willing to make. Polymorph mentally patted himself on the back. It was sometimes very difficult to make the right choice, but in this case, his decision had absolutely no downsides. It was nice when the Greater^TM Good^TM gave him a break occasionally…

Grabbing a handful of floo powder, he summoned his loyal pawn Severus (who’s brewing had been comedically interrupted, causing his hair to turn electric blue.

At the Granger’s house, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was being threatened by Dan^TM Granger^TM once again.

“Leave him alone now, I think he’s gotten the point.” Emma^TM Granger^TM commanded.

“But it’s my right as his father in law!” Dan^TM Granger^TM protested.

“But I said stop.” She countered.

“Yes dear.” Dan^TM Granger^TM replied.

“Hermione, I hope you’ve been training young Harry here to do your bidding.” Her mother asked.

“Yep, Harry is such a good husband.” She replied.

“Now go make us some tea.” They commanded to their respective husbands.

“Yes dear…” they replied in unison, trudging into the kitchen.

However, before said tea could be made, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s Master^TM of^TM Death^TM Future^TM Sight^TM told him that the dick eaters were outside!

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell shouted. “Dick eaters!”

Dan^TM Granger^TM looked confused. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell ran into the living room. “Wizard terrorists are here! Hermione, protect your parents, I will deal with them.”

“I can’t let you do that!” Hermione protested.

“Your parent’s lives are important. I’ll be fine” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell told her before opening the front door.

Hermione swooned. “Wow Harry, you’re so brave!”.

“You never told us about any of these ‘Dick Eaters’…” Emma^TM Granger^TM said, turning towards Hermione.

“We’ll be talking about this later, along with anything else you’ve neglected to tell us.” Her father scolded.

Outside the house, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell sneered. “Attacking defenceless muggles, how cowardly…” He wandlessly yanked the spine from one death eater and shoved it down the throat of another.

The death eaters launched a barrage of spells at Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell who transformed into his basilisk animagus form. The curses splashed harmlessly off Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s scales as he squeezed a death eater grunt.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell cast a flurry of blasting curses at the group, before just casually punching a nearby death eater in the face.

Said death eater happened to be Peter Pettigrew. “H-h-harry, please don’t kill me, I’m too weak…”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell scoffed at the pathetic man. His scoffing was cut short when he felt a wand pressing into his neck.

“Not so tough now are you, Potter?” Lucius Malfoy silkily said, adjusting his glorious hair with his free hand.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell resumed his scoff. “Lord Malfoy, I’m so glad you’ve finally managed to gather the courage to say something negative to me. You only needed me powerless and at your mercy to do so.”

“Why you little brat! Cruc---” Malfoy began, only to be cut off by a loud bang before falling over. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell looked over at the source of the noise.

“You looked like you needed help.” Dan^TM Granger^TM said, holding a pistol in his hand. “Despite these being illegal in England, I happened to have one because the plot said so.”

As Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was about to thank the man for saving his life (although Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell had displayed more than enough power to eviscerate anyone who tried that move multiple times in this story) when Seashore finally made his appearance.

“It was foolish of you death eaters to com—wait what!” he began, before noticing that Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and the Grangers were completely fine and most of the death eaters were dead.

Unfortunately, he didn’t accomplish anything else as the story needs at least one cliff-hanger. Stay tuned for the next chapter of Lord Hadrian James Potter Black (and 6 others) and the Senile Old Fool, where the manipulative old coot will finally receive his comeuppance!

Chapter Text

Previously, on Lord Hadrian James Potter Black (and 6 others) and the Senile Old Fool:

“It was foolish of you death eaters to com—wait what!” he began, before noticing that Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and the Grangers were completely fine and most of the death eaters were dead.

“Harry m’boy, I am very disappointed in you. Not only have you shown complete disregard for our laws on underage magic, you have also brutally murdered these poor, misguided men. I’m afraid I cannot condone that sort of actions m’boy.”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell scoffed for the third time this chapter (a new record), before playing his ace, which was far more effective than the headmaster’s ‘in loco^TM parentis^TM bullshit. “As Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell, I am emancipated. I could’ve told you this the other day, but I decided to take a page out of your book and withhold important information. Suck on that, you old coot!”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell grabbed the Grangers and apparated to Potter Manor, leaving the spluttering senile old fool alone for exactly six seconds before he returned with the entire auror department and Minister Bones.

“Harry m’boy, is this all really necessary?” Labrador asked, gesturing towards the entire auror department idling about on the street.

“It is completely necessary, you senile old fool!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell countered, before pointing at the whimpering death eater. “That is Peter Pettigrew, the man who betrayed my parents.”

As an unnamed Auror attempted to arrest Pettigrew, Herbivore placed himself between the aurors and the death eater. “Harry m’boy, where is your compassion? He deserves redemption!” the old coot pleaded, violently trying to probe Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s mind.

Unfortunately for Trojanhorse, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell reversed the connection thanks to a spell he learnt through his scar^TM connection^TM.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell scoffed at the senile old fool. “Arrest him as well!”

“Harry m’boy, you can’t have me arrested without any evidence of wrongdoing!” the manipulative headmaster said, drawing his wand on the horde of aurors.

“Actually, I can. Because I am Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and you underestimate my power!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell retorted. “On top of that, thanks to my legilimency reversal spell, I know about all of your wrongdoings, including your assistance in this assassination attempt on the Grangers.”

The old coot gasped. “Now that you are aware of my machinations, surely you understand my reasoning. Call off the aurors and we can go manipulate some pawns for the Greater^TM Good^TM.”

“Nope. I just think you’re a delusional old goat that’s gone mad with power, seduced by the motto of wizard-Hitler.”

Minister Bones nodded in agreement, giving the signal to arrest Marinecorps.

Ironore glared at Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell “You have no right to do this to me! I did it all for the Greater^TM Good^TM! I defeated Grindelwald! I am the great Dumb—”

The old coot was simultaneously stunned by Minister Bones, Scrimgeour, Shacklebolt and hundreds of unnamed aurors.

You might be wondering what Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was doing during this. Naturally, he hit Goalscore with a bludgeoning hex to his wrinkly man bits.

“Thanks for calling us here to arrest these two. I assure you they’ll be tried with veritaserum in the Wizengamot tomorrow.” Minister Bones said.

The senile old fool twitched slightly. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell punted his half^TM moon^TM spectacles^TM off his face in response.

“You’re very welcome. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got a harem to get back to.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell replied, apparating back to Potter Manor.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell entered his humble abode. He expected to find his harem waiting for him, but this was not the case. In his living room was none other than Draco Malfoy, Narcissa Black and Bellatrix Black.

“Since you’ve killed our husbands, we are now good!” the sisters said in unison. Draco said nothing of course. He didn’t need to as Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell knew where his allegiances lay.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was wary of them. “How do I know that Passport sent you to kill me?”

“We changed our names back to Black, denouncing him in the process. That’s how you know we’re the good guys for the rest of the story.” Narcissa elaborated.

“Excellent, but when did I kill Rodolphus Lestrange?” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell questioned, his kill count being far too high to remember each individual death.

“He was in Hogsmeade, but the narrative was too focused on Dolohov and Weasley. But now they’re dead, we can join your harem!” Bellatrix exclaimed. Their dark marks vanished thanks to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s parselmagic^TM.

“And it means that Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell is your new father, Draco.” Narcissa told him, before both Bellatrix and Narcissa grabbed Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell to sign their respective marriage^TM contracts^TM.

Draco paled in response.

Chapter Text

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell was meditating during the morning after Superbowl’s arrest. He did this every morning to strengthen his occlumency^TM shields^TM and organise his mindscape^TM.

Today, he was thinking about the events of the previous night. particularly, the effectiveness of Dan^TM Granger’s^TM handgun. It was surprisingly effective against Lucius Malfoy, once again proving how superior muggles were to those archaic wizards.

His musing was interrupted by a fantastic idea, one which that the foolish Zandvoort would never see coming. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell prepared to assemble the harem (or at least just the muggleborn ones).

Later that day, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell arrived at Generic-Military-Base-Which-Is-Only-Relevant-For-This-Scene-So-I-Can’t-Be-Bothered-To-Name-It Military Base (or the GMBWIORFTSSICBBTNIMB for short). Flanked by the muggleborn portion of his harem, he was escorted to a large meeting room. Of course, Luna was there due to her role as a talking plot device.

“Greetings, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. I am Colonel Give U MacGuffin. Despite this scenario being completely implausible and illegal on so many levels, we are willing to agree to the sale of four dozen SA80 A2s, Glock 17s, and a couple of Javelin anti-tank weapons.” He said, proceeding to idle as his dialogue had been expended.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell nodded at the man. “Thank you, sir. I am glad my Potter^TM  family^TM connections^TM and political power pulled through for this. Now we are ready to end the war.” With that, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell packed the weapons into his expanding trunk and left with his harem.

“Wow Harry, you sure made it easy acquiring all those weapons. Old snakeface won’t know what hit him!” Hermione swooned.

Just then, one of Grandtour’s pawns apparated in front of the group. “Harry, you can’t do this. It’s not right.”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell scoffed. “Let me guess, the old coot sent you to convince me not to shoot Stalwart.”

The man gasped. “How could you say such things about the headmaster. He is far wiser than you’ll ever be. His greater^TM good^TM will pave the way for a new age of mediocrity and little change!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell looked sceptical about this.

“Anyway, disregarding the fact that an elven year old managed to obtain that many guns in a country which makes doing so illegal, don’t you think that wizards have any ways of countering muggle weapons?” he wisely asked.

“Enough with your pureblood supremist propaganda!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell declared, smiting the man with a portkey. He activated it, sending the man into the sun.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell  shook his head. “Another foolish wizard thinking they’re better than muggles.” His harem solemnly agreed.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and his harem returned to Potter manor where they proceeded to become highly proficient with the recently purchased firearms. Naturally, this was achieved in an off-page training montage whilst the training montage music from Rocky played repeatedly in the background.

It was during one of these training sessions when Luna suddenly stopped what she was doing. “The nightman cometh!” she said to Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell who was conveniently in the same room as always.

Thanks to his connection to Hogwarts as it’s owner, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell discovered that Poloshirt and his grunts were about to attack the school. He cast his golden patronus, instructing it to go to his allies. “Tell them that it is time to mobilise. Hogwarts is under attack.”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell and his harem apparated to Hogwarts to prepare for the siege.

Meanwhile, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s most trusted allies received a patronus message. Minister Bones, Lord Shitstain, and Kingsley Shacklebolt immediately prepared their forces without a second thought for the final^TM battle^TM.

Professor Snape was in the great hall when his dark mark burned. Unfortunately for him, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell noticed him trying to leave.

“Going somewhere, Snape?” he demanded, blocking the doors with a flare of wandless magic. “He’s calling you, isn’t he? You’d love to go and stand by his side to be able to wipe my signature look of superiority of my face, wouldn’t you?”

Snape sneered at the boy. “Not as stupid as usual are y—” he began, before being cut off by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell.

“But you’re not going to do that.”

Snape tilted his head in confusion as Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell continued. “You see, you’re like Draco, Narcissa and Bellatrix. You’re not truly one of Flowchart’s minions. You’re far too good for that, despite how you try to hide it so desperately. You’re just misunderstood, even though you’re essentially a wizard nazi. But you are forgiven for all of that because you liked my mum or something. So, you will stay and fight with me.”

Smape was uncharacteristically crying now. He was also glowing for some reason. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell shielded his eyes using parselmagic^TM. Eventually, the glowing died down and something was vastly different about Snape.

Thanks to the power of the author’s indecisiveness, there were now two Snapes!

Good-Snape smiled, standing beside Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell. “I am truly sorry for being mean to you all this time, it was a deception, so the senile old fool trusted me enough to be close to you.” He profusely apologised, white robes flowing behind him.

Bad-Snape on the other hand was not in a good mood. “Potter, you arrogant whelp!” he yelled, his black robes with extra darkness furiously billowing as he drew his wand.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell banished the greasy git out the window.

And then everyone clapped.

Chapter Text

The dork lard Rosequartz wasn’t very happy. His most trusted follower had been ejected from the castle before he could assassinate the new headmistress. Now he had to break through the wards the old-fashioned way, with sheer force. At least Barty Crouch Jr was ready to come through the vanishing cabinet with a squad of death eaters.

“Mwahahaha!” Miniskirt cackled evilly, twirling his metaphorical villian^TM moustache^TM. “Once Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell is dead, no one will stop me from taking over the world!”

His monologuing was interrupted by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell as he strolled out to meet the antagonists head on. “My my, attacking a school of students. What a cowardly move from our esteemed dork floorboard…” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell tutted. He shook his head, his gorgeous raven ponytail perfectly complementing his luminous avada kedavra orbs perfectly.

Yogurt laughed menacingly. “You fool, confronting us on your own…”

“With my plot armour, charisma, and devilishly good looks, I am never alone thanks to my allies^TM.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell retorted. In a blatant rip off of Avengers Endgame (Portals theme and all), Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s allies appeared one by one.

Minister Bones apparated through the wards with the entire auror department. Of course, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell allowed them to do this as the owner of the school. Lord Shitstain, along with the entire goblin nation appeared nearby thanks to some goblin^TM magic^TM. The remaining good minor characters along with Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem joined the battle line as Sophomore paled even more than usual.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell smirked, before commanding the good guys to attack. Shoppingcart motioned for his forces to begin their assault as the Battle of Hogwarts was officially underway.

Due to being the most powerful being on the battlefield, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell got the first kill. And the second. And the third. In fact, thanks to the previously acquired muggle weaponry, the dick eaters failed to get a single kill whatsoever.

Especially Bad-Snape, who’s blackest black robes blended in with the night sky so much he tripped over them and tumbled into the Acromantula colony, where he was eaten alive by Aragog.

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell devoured both Carrows in his Eldritch horror super animagus form, turning back into his handsome self once he spotted Introvert approaching. “It’s over Pervert! There is no way out for you, for I am simply too powerful for you and the muggle weapons are superior to those sticks your fan boys wave around!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell bravely exclaimed as the sun dramatically rose behind him (like in Two Towers at the battle of Helm’s Deep, but cooler because Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell would clap Gandalf in a 1v1), but Divorce did not back down.

“You foolish boy, did you really think that this was all my forces.” He gestured to the few surviving miscellaneous bad guys. “This was merely a distraction to give my infiltrator time to complete their mission!”

“Of course I know about the weasel.” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell knowingly retorted as a group of dick eaters including Ron were thrown off the Astronomy Tower by the suits of armour. “Thanks to my ancestry, I am the heir and owner of Hogwarts and as such, I am aware of everything that goes on inside the castle. I was informed the moment that the senile old fool ‘redeemed’ the Weasel and how he’s been trying to repair the vanishing cabinet since chapter twelve!”

Tourdefrance gasped. How did that insolent whelp know of his master^TM plan^TM! He screamed. “This is not over, boy! I will return, for I have conquered death!”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell scoffed at the pitiful excuse for a man before him. “I also knew of your horcruxes thanks to the Goblins! They haven’t even been an issue in this entire story as I destroyed them with a minor burst of magic from my bulging magical core!”

Sandiscoarse curled into a ball and cried. Of all the realities he could’ve been born into, he just had to get the one with super powerful Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell…

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell continued his victory speech anyway, despite Seahorse trying to wake up from what he believed was a fever dream.

“With you unaware of the destruction of your horcruxes, I devised this elaborate ruse off page in order to get you into the open. As you can see, my strategy has worked perfectly!” Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell congratulated himself, wandlessly conjuring a hand to pat himself on the back for his big brain move.

Songverse decided that he just didn’t care enough anymore, transfiguring the ground around him into a bathtub and summoned a toaster. Surely the next great adventure couldn’t be any worse than being in the same world as Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell.

With that thought, Blackhearse committed toaster bath.

Generic victory noises filled the air as the good guys celebrated their victory. Ron, who had somehow survived yet again tried to make his way to the great hall, only for Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell’s harem to break his kneecaps with the rocket launchers they still had lying around.

“Yay!” Luna squealed; her third eye glowing profusely. “Now that Dessert is dead, we can now move onto the obligatory epilogue were we all live happily ever after!”

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell gave his signature smirk as the scene faded to black, signifying the end of the main story.

Chapter Text

With He-Who-Must-Be-Named-Differently-Every-Time-For-Comedic-Effect defeated once and for all, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell lived a long and happy life with no hardships whatsoever. Naturally, the massive power vacuum created when Drugsnort died was never filled, despite multiple dark wizards and witches with both the power and motivation to do so still existing.

Heck, even Umbitch didn't even put up a fuss during her lifelong stint in Azkaban, where she finally succumbed to a stroke after one of those filth half-breed dementors finally tried to suck what little soul she had. Fudge followed soon after, dying on the shore of Azkaban during a failed escape attempt where he used his stupid looking bowler hat to dig his way out. Rather ironically, he suffocated to death when his tunnel collapsed, burying his head in the sand.

Doctrinaire ended up in an asylum after a muggle police officer caught him forcefully kidnapping a random raven-haired muggle boy who received a scrape on his forehead after a game of football. For the next ten years, Fishingpier would wander though the halls of the insane asylum, raving about sacrificing children, lemon drops, and the greater good.

Until one day, the old coot tried to wandlessly apparate to Hogwarts. The combination of not having a wand, not having practiced magic in a decade, and being barred from entering the school resulted in the senile old fool somehow splinching himself. Naturally, he ended up in the Department of Mysteries where he tumbled through the veil after trying to walk on a non-existent leg.

Ron did actually end up making it to the great hall in the end, despite having his kneecaps blasted off by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell's harem. Fortunately, he was curbstomped by Winky after trying to consume the entire school's supply of roast potatoes, bacon, and sausages.

Only the Gryffindor table was really affected by this catastrophe, but thanks to some inter-houseTM cooperationTM, everyone shared their food supplies. None of this had anything to do with the veiled threats from Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell about what happens to those who don't share

But aside from that, it was all sunshine and rainbows for the good guys. Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell's harem placed themselves in all the most key positions in wizarding Britain, effectively giving Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell total control of the country where he completely reformed the Ministry of Magic and eliminated pureblood culture (except for the parts which benefitted him of course).

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell also had multiple children with each of his many wives, until at one point eighty percent of the Hogwarts population were Potters. Naturally, the other twenty percent were all named Harry or Harriet as the entire wizarding world was in awe of his prowess. The name Hadrian was copyrighted by Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell because why should he have to share a name with any of the peasants below him?

Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell eventually officially took up his position as the owner of Hogwarts, where he completely reformed the entire school. Over the next few years, he introduced various Americanisms which he should have had absolutely no knowledge of, turning Hogwarts into a generic AmericanTM HighTM SchoolTM with a bit of magic as well.

But after all was said and done, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell made good on his life goal of settling down with his harem. Thanks to abuse of long forgotten marriage contracts, life debts, and undiscovered soul bonds, Lord Hadrian James Potter Black Gaunt Gryffindor Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell's harem grew to an outstanding fifty-three women (and Draco Malfoy after they both declared their undying love to each other). Then they all lived happily ever after, spending their days manipulating the Wizengamot, modernising the wizarding world, and having massive orgies.

The end.