Chapter Text
It was enormous, seemingly endless even. With the walls dark, the water beneath murky and inky, and the top of the construction rising up, up above into the stifle darkness, Gordon had trouble orienting himself and willing his senses to understand his exact distance from the slimy, constantly oozing walls. He felt lost, dizzy, slipping and nearly falling over, his legs drifting in different directions again and again every couple of minutes or so.
The thing attacked all of his senses too, never making it easier to orient. The constant Sweet Voice, different colors and notes, some alarming, some soothing, tripping him up and willing him to slow down while also scaring him into panic, making his heartbeat audible for his own ears, pulsing, booming.
The skeletons zooming around producing said Sweet Voice didn’t help either, appearing and disappearing in his peripheral vision, making him constantly keep turning around and re-aiming his gun, when he already had a hard time gripping his right arm with his only hand, currently overwhelmed with trembles and constant micro movements.
His eyes however, were overwhelmed the most. Besides the skeletons and their glowing voice blinding him from all directions, the darkness was suffocating and making them all the more staggering, the contrast of light and dark making his head spin. Yet he could barely even focus on all these colors, the bones and eyeless faces, when the only thing truly grabbing his attention was right in the middle of it all. A great waymark, really, practically the only thing giving his senses proper information as to what was left and right in this cacophony of noises and light blurs.
Benrey.
He was up above the trembling water, the center of the culminative scene, stuck in the viscous air, stretched and disfigured, limbs at odd angles, neck impossibly long, head an unrecognizable shape now. Gordon couldn’t let himself look away, his eyes refusing to grasp the being, his brain unable to process exactly what was in front of him. And all the while his thoughts ran rampant, panicked, looking for answers to impossible questions, screaming both in fear and astonishment, panic and anger, even through all of that, he could still hear him. His laughter. His nonsensical phrases and shouts. He was ever loud and completely uninformative, only covering Freeman’s mind in even more ropy web strings, practically making him incapable of thinking a complete thought at all.
He was trying to listen, he really was, but the more he tried to focus on the words he heard before and the new ones being continuously spewed into the echo-y chamber, the more he lost track. None of it made sense. It was all incomprehensible chatter, completely useless. And the more he tried to latch onto it, hold it tight in his grip, the more tangled he himself became. Gordon was so distracted he barely noticed he was being encased into a Sweet Voice cocoon, his limbs barely able to move, and at the time when he finally cried out for help, the rest of the Science Team freed him almost completely.
Gordon shook his head briefly, turning around and gesturing to each of his friends, thanking them. All of them look worried, the physicist could catch a glance of fear even behind Bubby’s foggy glasses, and as they all glanced between each other, fearfully and briefly eyeing Benrey and the retrieating skeleton army, Freeman couldn’t help but feel the terror himself. What were they to do against this? He knew Benrey wasn’t a good guy, hell, he has been a dick and an asshole every second out of the time Gordon knew him. He also knew he was dangerous, and somehow always came back after dying, or sometimes even withstood a barrage of bullets unhinged. But somehow, maybe out of fear as well, Gordon just never thought he’d have to actually face him as a legit enemy. Benrey seemed aloof, relaxed most of the times. Quiet, then briefly loud, and then quiet again, only making deadpan remarks and throwing around silly phrases. Yet right now, he just wasn’t stopping – a constant barrage of overwhelmingly loud and screechy laughter, noises, disjointed phrases. He honestly felt like a wind-up toy gone rogue, re-programmed to say every one of its lines in rapid and unending succession. It didn’t sound right. He sounded like he was bluffing, overplaying himself. Like a child trying to keep their parents’ attention away from a broken plate with mindless rambles.
Like he was trying to hide something.
“I am unsure of what to do, Gordon,” – finally, Coomer piped up with a barely audible statement. Bubby just abruptly nodded beside him, moving closer in a barely noticeable side-step, all the while sternly glancing up at the creature stuck above them all.
“We should listen and try to understand. He’s trying to tell us something!” – Tommy gesticulated wildly with his hands, exasperated. He sounded desperate, and scared. Gordon felt his heart shrink and sting bitterly at seeing all of his, - very different, weird and unconventional, but still, - friends being so uncharacteristically frightened. He was scared and confused himself, but seeing the people who usually shrugged off any of the great dangers they’ve faced so far, up to this very point, suddenly showing clear sighs of fear, made him even more unnerved.
“I have been listening. He doesn’t make any sense, he never had! He’s just saying the first crap that comes to his mouth, I don’t think even he knows what he’s saying at this point!” – it wasn’t even an excuse, Gordon honestly believed that listening right now would do them absolutely no good. – “Look, Tommy, I know you’re trying to help, and I heard you and tried that, but honestly? I don’t know why you’d even propose to listen to him after all we’ve been through!”
There was something else in Tommy’s eyes now, brief but certain. Something important, yet Gordon chose to ignore it, just like many other things, and before the scientist could even open his mouth, Freeman was already turning away, his only hand coming up to grip his right gun arm, steadying himself and aiming upwards, shoulders hunched and stance steady.
“There’s nothing we can do but try to shoot that thing down,” – he muttered bitterly, and so he fired, the sound drowning out Tommy’s cries of protest. But almost immediately, Gordon nearly tripped over himself, his bodily position wobbly as a booming voice from above, somehow even louder than before, called out seemingly targeted at him now.
“Stop shooting! Man, don’t shoot, I’ll have to shoot back bro,” – and as the sentence died down, the entity above him going rigid, seemingly trying to shut himself up, Gordon’s eyes widened as the entire Science Team scattered away from each other, one of the glowing energy orbs barely missing Freeman’s good shoulder.
“What the fuck man!” – he couldn’t help but shout, anger clear as day in his words as Gordon tried to steady himself after fleeing forward, away from the flack of orbs. – “What do you mean stop shooting? What, you’re not gonna shoot unless we do!?”
“Yea man, if you shoot I have to shoot too. So just stop, stop with your dumb fingernails gun. I don’t want to shoot,” - the way Benrey said that - it sounded so overplayed yet his words got wobbly now, speech volume uneven. Gordon stared upwards, stunned, lowering his gun hand without even meaning to.
“What do you mean—What the fuck Benrey? Aren’t you—You’re the one attacking us!” – arms thrown to the sides, he screamed incredulously. The physicist’s right eye twitched, ponytail swishing wildly behind him as he let himself get a brief glance around to see all of his friends safe and sound, not far away from him, Coomer and Bubby stuck in a tense battle stance, looking between him and Benrey cautiously, and Tommy just hunched, hands clasping each other in front of him as he looked up at the entity with a gaze Gordon didn’t care enough at the moment to decipher. He turned and looked back up, moderately satisfied. At least no one got hurt from his own mistake this time.
“Am not. You’re shooting, you dumb—Dumbface, stupid Feetman. If you shoot, I have to shoot back, it’s—I have to.”
Gordon felt himself caught completely off guard at how unsure he sounded then.
“Aren’t you—“
“Shoot if you want actually, I don’t care anymore. C’mon, what, got cold feet? Stupid dumb chicken hat, head empty? What, I’m too scary for you, can’t shoot? Fine, I’ll shoot first then, have to— Gotta do everything myself in this house,” – the more he talked, the faster and louder he got, and as he finally stopped, Gordon flinched, bending his legs, fist clenched, ready to jump or run away.
And yet, there was just silence after that. For a moment, the physicist could only hear the water slushing below at his legs. A moment of blissful, stunning peace. And at the next moment, he snapped.
“What… what the fuck is going on. You’re not shooting. You’re not gonna shoot unless we do. What the fuck,” – Gordon could only muster to mumble, hands going up to rest at the sides of his head as he hunched over. – “You’re not shooting us. Not shooting me. It’s a trick, it’s gotta be, why—Why aren’t you shooting!?”
As he looked up, shouting again, he could swear the mass of disformed odd limbs and fabric above him flinched. Benrey was silent then, for only a second, but that was one second too many. Gordon knew this as much as anyone – Benrey never shut the fuck up before.
“You have to shoot first. Have to,” – he voiced, unhelpfully as ever. As Gordon bore into him with his stare, he evidently forced himself to continue: - “Why aren’t you shooting, huh, Feetman? You always do, you look at this here epic face and you shoot. It’s what you do. Fingernails machine broke?”
Gordon snorted in disbelief, and as Benrey above him slowly rotated seemingly to see him better, he plopped down into the water, getting the HEV suit almost entirely wet, the water now barely beneath his armpits. He sat down and stared right in front of him, quiet. Behind him, the water splashed around as Tommy moved closer to stand behind him, but Gordon didn’t see that. He just looked on into the darkness as the skeletons floated around much slower now, swaying, almost calmingly so, around the group. Gordon took a deep breath, trying to refocus his gaze, and exhaled heavily, letting himself feel the air leave his lungs. He lowered his good hand into the water, clenching it and feeling the resistance even through the glove. He rested his gun hand underwater, uncaring if it’s actually fully waterproof, not questioning when he discovered and confirmed that before either. And finally, he slowly lifted his chin, looking up at the entity, now twisted at an even odder angle, yet with its face now completely turned to him, staring at his resting form the best it could. Benrey was silent. Whether that was what he wanted to be, or if he was trying to hide something again, Gordon didn’t know. He couldn’t have known even if he asked, he realized. He let himself sigh again.
Slow inhale. Pause. Slow but complete exhale. Repeat.
“Why are we doing this. You don’t want to fight us? Why are we… Why don’t we just go then?” – he sounded defeated. Baffled yet calm. Quieter than before. He noticed Benrey hover closer, as if to hear better. Behind him, more people moved closer too.
“You can’t,” – was all Benrey mustered. It sounded short of breath, like he wanted to say much more before but only let his thoughts out at the very end.
“Why?” – Gordon continued. For the first time in forever, he felt like he was having an actual dialogue with Benrey. Something was going on, and even though he had no outright answers, somehow he was getting something out of this.
“You have to end this to move on. The—The level, the final boss. You can’t get an ending if you didn’t finish playing,” – it sounded distant. Yet certain. Gordon believed what he heard, and he was listening – more than he ever cared to before.
“Are… And you are “the boss”?” – he asked, his head tilting lightly to the side. Benrey stayed perfectly still. The seconds trickled by yet he didn’t seem to want to answer. Or maybe he couldn’t. Why could he not be able to though? Why would Gordon think this? It didn’t make any sense. Behind him he heard Tommy move again, and as he sat down at his right, hand coming to rest on Gordon’s shoulder, the physicist didn’t let himself look away. Benrey was keeping eye contact as well. He usually did anyway, now that wasn’t unusual. – “If you are, but you don’t want to fight us… Could you not be? Like, can’t you just be a part of the team? No boss, everyone wins?”
“There has to be a boss,” – he voiced, not a second after Gordon finished. Now that’s more like it, that’s the Benrey he learned to know. Freeman tried to move those thoughts to a deeper part of his skull, instead focusing on what he heard and mustering up the thoughts to answer.
“But you don’t have to be the boss though, do you?” – he asked without a second thought. At his right, Tommy flinched, his grip on Gordon’s shoulder tightening. Yet he still didn’t look away.
“Someone has to be,” – short. Like he couldn’t say anymore. But for once, Gordon didn’t really need anymore. The rest, he could think for himself.
Now, he let himself look away. He turned his head to his right, and was momentarily stunned by just how scared Tommy looked. Gordon wanted to ask him what was wrong, to try and help him out, he could see the tears glistening in his eyes. But somehow, he felt he shouldn’t have. He had a thought to voice.
“What if instead, someone else is the boss? What if I get to be the boss? That’s much easier, right?”
“NO!” – sharply, Tommy shouted at him. There go the tears, - “Mister Freeman, you can’t do this! This is how it should be, Benrey has to be the one! We just have to do this and then we can move on, okay?”
“But he doesn’t want to fight us,” – Gordon deadpanned, barely processing the way distress welled up in the scientist’s eyes at that.
“Do you want to fight us? Can you even? Do you really think you could!?” – Tommy moved closer, both arms on the physicist’s shoulders now, turning his body to face him a bit more. There was so much emotion in his eyes then, so many different things. Gordon felt dazed, as he usually had when he was deep in thought, coming up with a plan, a solution. Inventing a new way of seeing and doing things. Tommy huffed in frustration, seeing his eyes skimming his face absentmindedly. And then, he got hit even harder.
“Maybe I don’t have to,” – Gordon stated, simple as day. Tommy’s eyes widened, stunned. The entity above them twisted at impossible angles in the physicist’s peripheral vision. Then it shrank. Then finally, it lowered down, hovering from side to side like an autumn leaf. As Gordon turned his head around, Benrey was standing right beside him, his usual height now, usual shape, the one Freeman learned to know. Knew to learn. Remembered.
Benrey lowered down in one choppy motion, one ankle burying itself in the water. Harshly, he got a hold of Gordon’s right arm, the gun arm, turning him around and freeing him from Tommy’s hold in the process.
“Fingernails. You have these bro, just shoot,” – his voice monotonous. Like asking about the weather when you’re not even planning to go out.
“No,” – Gordon said, almost sounding offended. Benrey’s grip on his arm only tightened, eyes stuck searching Freeman’s face, the apathy giving way to something else. Gordon couldn’t look deep enough to see, the shadow from the security helmet preventing him.
“You gotta shoot bro, this is how it works. You did this many times before, Gordon Freeman the world shoot-a-Benry speedrunner champion. World class professional gamer. Know all the strats. Did you forget how to, stupidhead? Just clench your arm or whatever, isn’t that how it works?” – eyes searching, searching. Gordon really wondered then, if maybe they were searching before all this too. It wasn’t the time for that though.
“Yeah,” – he raised his good hand, untangling Benrey’s arms away from the gun without much effort at all. He lowered his gun hand as soon as he could, using his left one for balance, grasping at the slimy bottom under the waters. – “But why should I fight you? That’s what you guys always do, I don’t—Never really wanted to fight if what I’m fighting doesn’t start first. Seems friendly. Like all those scientists. Like you now.”
“Bro, shut—Shut up, I’m trying. You just have to shoot, please? Too stupid to even clench your hand? C’mon,” – ah. Somehow, now Benrey was getting desperate too. Finally, Gordon thought. Finally, it feels like he can see at least some pieces of the puzzle. He could make out some parts of the whole picture through previous interactions. Dr Coomer’s clone freakout. Tommy’s “slides” as he fell upwards. A lot of it felt like small pieces to something much bigger now. Something he could grasp at least partially, enough to understand how to overcome it.
“I won’t shoot you. You’re not the boss anymore, it’s going to be me. I’m—I’m responsible for the cascade. I lead you here. I didn’t have my passport. You said those yourself. I should be the—“
“Stop, just—Stop, please?” – Benrey was sitting on his knees beside him now. Gordon looked him over, surprised. – “You have—No fucking clue what you’re talking about, just shut up. Shut up, you dumb fucking idiot, look at me. Don’t you hate me? Big mean and angry? Bleh-bleh, doesn’t that, make you angry?”
“Annoyed,” – Gordon corrected, otherwise nodding at the being. Benrey looked defeated for a fraction of a second. Gordon felt at peace with the world for the first time in years.
“What about—Your arm, huh? Lil bitch boy lost his arm? We were all there when that happened, doesn’t that—“
“What if you couldn’t help if you wanted to then,” – the physicist looked around at each of their faces. Tommy looked away in shame. Bubby met his gaze with a challenging one, but the worried Coomer beside him holding his shoulder steadily with unmasked worry on his face told Gordon all that he needed to know. As he turned around to face Benrey, the being’s shoulders lowered, his eyes full of—something. That helmet wasn’t helping at all. Gordon couldn’t help but smile lightly, just the very corners of his mouth going up. The way Benrey’s eyes widened really made him wonder. – “I’m glad to at least know that now. Glad… Glad I don’t have to doubt you being my friends.”
“Mr. Freeman, please, this is all wrong. You don’t know what you’re doing, we just have to go through this and—“ – Tommy silenced himself as abruptly as he started talking, seemingly choked up.
“What happens if the boss is defeated, Tommy?” – Gordon asked, as he searched his friend’s face. The scientist sniffed, scrunching his eyes closed instead.
“Home,” – was all Coomer said. The physicist bestowed him with a brief but thankful glance, giving him a small smile. Dr. Coomer didn’t seem encouraged by that in the slightest however. Beside him, Bubby snarled, but continued to be silent.
“And there’s no other way to get out of this?” – Gordon inquired, turning back to Tommy. The scientist shook his head, looking away, trying to wipe away his own stubbornly persistent tears.
“Then I should—“
“Stop,” – Gordon shook as Benrey latched onto his left arm, barely steadying himself with his gun flush against the slimy flooring as to not fall down into the water. The physicist turned around abruptly, his speech cut, mouth still slightly opened. Benrey looked at him, being closer now, and finally Gordon could really take a glance into his eyes. A heavy, desperate gaze. He looked like his world was ending, - “You don’t get this. I can do this, you can’t. You’re a fleshy—meatsack, you don’t even have your arm anymore. I would. You can’t do anything I can, I have to be the one, because if you try you—You. Stupid, you—Can’t do this.”
Struggling with his words, but Gordon could still hear it. Could still understand the implications. He wasn’t stupid. Theorizing was his job, he was used to doing it so much it gave him unending anxiety most of the days. But right now, it just made him see clearer through all of the flat insults and unsaid words. With one light shrug, he freed his arm, only to take Benrey’s wrist in his hand at the very next moment. The being flinched lightly, and moved slightly closer as soon as a second passed. Gordon really didn’t have to wonder much now, easily noticing just how Benrey looked at his hand holding his. He inhaled though, bringing the security guard’s attention up, towards his face. As he met his eyes, he smiled – sweet, but barely there, trying his best not to let it waver. Benrey seemed to be fooled easily enough, as the physicist watched him gulping shortly.
“Me and Joshua’s mom, we have a backup plan in case of an emergency,” – he started, quiet. He could feel Benrey’s hand tense in his almost momentarily. Still, he pressed on, - “He’s been at her place this whole time. He spends most of his time there. We only meet every other weekend. When me and his mom went our separate ways, I didn’t really want to think about it all that much. So I took more tasks, asked for more job opportunities here at Black Mesa. Some weeks, I got no days off at all.”
He searched Benrey’s eyes, and they met his with silent horror. He saw understanding there as well, but most of all, despite how little sense Benrey always seemed to make according to Gordon, he saw how somehow right now he seemed to understand him fully and completely. Maybe he always had, was listening and understanding. Just like Gordon never did to him, the complete opposite. It seemed kinda funny to him then, but only for a moment. He pressed on, trying not to think too much about it.
“This test, nobody at Black Mesa ever thought to put me on it. I just asked around, and one day another scientist told me that the testing personnel, the one who was supposed to take part in it, found… a way out before they could force them to. They’re fine now, I checked. But the test was seemingly compromised, before I stepped in. I can’t describe their surprise when I volunteered…” – Gordon chuckled, looking down in thought, his thumb drawing circles on the back of Benrey’s hand absentmindedly. The security guard felt rigid in his grip.
As he quieted down, silence surrounded Gordon. The skeletons disappeared a while ago, seemingly never have been there in the first place. Freeman didn’t question it, couldn’t, really. He had a couple mysteries solved today, and he knew when to quit for the day to let the information settle in. Benrey surprised him by turning his hand around, twisting it and grasping Gordon’s hand in return now, firmly intertwining their fingers. The physicist looked up, in wonder, because even though the mystery was solved, he wasn’t quite used to believing in that solution yet.
Benrey caught his gaze and his eyes seemed endless, bottomless. He looked like he desperately wanted to say something, anything, important, silly, make a sound. But somehow, he just wasn’t able to. Maybe he wasn’t let to say. Gordon let out a breathy laugh, his eyes creasing at the corners as he smiled at the being in front of him. Always seemingly so flat, so unreadable and nonsensical before, yet now somehow familiar, real, and obvious. He furrowed his brow, and Gordon couldn’t help but smile more.
“I can do this, Benrey. I’ve been theorizing and thinking of different outcomes for years. I have a backup plan. I know how to feel about this. Heck, I thought the resonance cascade was it for me. Yet despite that, I went through so much after. I met all of you, and together we fought and got forward, all up to here. The final step, right? Wow. That’s much, much more than I could’ve ever imagined.”
Benrey shook his head choppily, his free hand coming to rest on top of their intertwined ones. Gordon could only smile more looking at it. This was nice. Despite the darkness and the cold water surrounding him. Benrey’s hands were cool, like a cup of tea forgotten on the table and found hours later. Comfortable, and quite soft, he could feel that even through his glove. Gordon thought that he’d like to do this more often, but then just chose to focus on the joy of being able to experience it at least once.
“I want… I want to thank you all. You’ve been great friends. Despite the rudeness,” – he glanced at Bubby behind him, snickering as the scientist looked at him, seemingly completely lost, - “The constant weird speeches,” – he smiled toothily as Dr. Coomer trembled, tightening his grip on Bubby’s shoulders. As Gordon turned to Tommy, the man’s gaze on him unfocused and lost, he thought for a second and then laughed lightly, bell chimes in the wind, - “Can’t say much, you’ve been an entirely great friend, Tommy.”
And then he turned back, and Benrey was even closer than before, and Gordon just kinda lost his thoughts for a moment, face mere centimeters away from the guard’s. He felt his breath hitch in his throat, his gaze drifting down slightly, away from that intense look, but immediately snapping it back upwards, letting himself back up a bit, making much needed distance.
“You…” – he breathed, still a little dazed, and Benrey waited and listened. As Gordon’s heartbeat nearly calmed, he allowed his mouth to turn into a shy smile, uncertain, wavering at the corners. Careful, - “You have been one big ball of mysteries and frustrations to me, Benrey. But that’s not really your fault. I’m… sorry, I didn’t listen. Sorry I didn’t try. Despite it all, thank you for being here, too.”
He could see it, the battle and the hesitation so clear on Benrey’s face. Usually so stoic and neutral, he was being incredibly emotive in comparison. He seemed relieved. But also mostly terrified. Gordon pitied him all the more.
“I’m really sorry. To all of you. I don’t think this is your fault, any of it. Maybe some, but not in a meaningful way. It seems to me you would’ve gotten out already if it was, really,” – he said this louder, so everyone could hear, but he only really looked at Benrey. Gordon has never seen him so worried. He didn’t like seeing it, he decided right there and then.
He raised his right arm out of the water and felt the air around him instantly tense up. Benrey, the only one Gordon could let himself see then, went cold and still like stone, his hand slacking in his hold. Gordon took this opportunity to free his good arm and grip his right elbow, steadying the gun, and turning the end of it on himself, laying it flat to the HEV suit, right under where his ribs would be. The material wasn’t as sturdy down there, he learned.
“Gordon! Put it away, please!” – Benrey piped up, leaning forward and trying to grab at his hands, but the physicist successfully dodged by leaning back, however losing his balance and falling into the water, submerging himself completely.
As the muddy watery substance filled his ears, he could faintly hear splashing, as he used his legs to push himself away from Tommy and Benrey, moving his legs up and down enough to move away but not enough to raise real splashes to see from the outside. He felt like a kid again, swimming underwater and playing tag with his parents and siblings in the sea. That was a good memory. He held onto it as he focused, seemingly have swam away far enough and bracing himself.
They’ll be okay, he thought then with certainty. The Science Team has gotten through so much. He had no doubt they’ll get home and have their good end after he, now the final boss, is defeated. Never thought silly video game logic would be what got him killed, he also thought. But then again, he couldn’t have predicted a lot of shit that they had to deal with. Never could have predicted Benrey, and what he really thought of him, not until the very end. But he did figure it out, still. That’s a victory in his book.
Gordon felt the corners of his mouth tugging upwards, and as he sensed something move beside him, he aimed his right arm towards his middle, and squeezed.
After that, there was only deafening silence and never-ending darkness.