Chapter Text
As Katya went about her business in the stall of the girls bathroom, reclaimed from the Thunderfucks, she surveyed her surroundings, noticing something plastic and white sticking out of the trash can. It wasn’t a tampon applicator. She tilted her head and leaned closer to get a better look and found a teeny tiny screen displaying two pink lines and a key next to it.
Without thinking, Katya grabbed the stick. Her mind went to exactly one place.
“No no no no no no,” she muttered, unlocking the stall door and racing out of the bathroom.
“Nonononononono.” Katya brisk-walked through the hallway to the doors, then sprinted across the green and burst through another door and brisk-walked further down another hallway until she caught sight of Willam.
She was talking to a guy who was saying something about ‘good but not great’ when Katya plunged her fist directly into Willam’s abdomen with the full force of her body weight.
Willam doubled over, falling to her knees. “Wha- the FUCK?!” she demanded, shooting an angry glare at her assailant.
Katya panted. “You, are one of the best friends I have ever had and I will NOT let you throw away your life like this.” She shook her head. “You’re too young. You’re too beautiful! ”
“What? The fuck are you talking about?” Willam grunted, also out of breath.
Katya stretched out her hand to hover over where she’d punched Willam. “I’m talking about the baby growing inside your belly right now.”
The guy Willam had been talking to about-faced. “I’m out!”
Willam straightened up a little to yell in his direction: “I’m not pregnat!”
Katya scoffed and crossed her arms. “Not after that hit, you’re not. I’ve been taking muay thai classes.
Willam leaned against the lockers behind her for support. “I was never pargent, Katya.”
The girl stopped in her tracks. She thought about the route she’d taken in her certainty. She would definitely be late to class and wouldn’t even have a good reason. “Uh. Are--are you sure?”
“Yes I’m FUCKING SURE!” Willam whined.
Valentina marched over, pissed. “I’m sorry but why the FUCK is everybody yelling over here?”
Katya held up her plastic discovery. “Well I found this positive gregnancy test in the girl’s bathroom and--”
Valentina landed a punch square to Willam’s gut.
Willam doubled over again. “Augh! MutherFUCKER!”
“Okay, I know we’ve had our differences in the past but I cannot stand idly by and let you ruin our chances at cheer nationals!” Valentina said. “And we will never get there with you rocking a fetus fanny pack.”
“I’m not progint,” insisted Willam.
Valentina’s voice softened. “Oh, well I just assumed--”
Katya nodded, happy she wasn’t the only one. “It does make sense.”
“No,” Willam asserted. “It doesn’t make sense. I have told you guys repeatedly that I am saving my VAG-inity for someone special. I. Have standards.”
“Wow, so noble,” remarked Katya.
“Allright,” said Valentina. “Now that we’ve established it’s not Willam and her backdoor butt-hole standards, Katya?”
“Uh, my boyfriend doesn’t have any testicles.” Katya brightened. “He has a penis sometimes; it’s a nice one, we picked it out together.”
Valentina nodded. “And it can’t be me because I’m halfway through shark week.” Katya and Willam shared an anxious look. “Yeah,” said Valentina. “I know what you two call my period when I’m not around.”
The head cheerleader paced around the hall. “Which means that somebody else is knocked up. So let’s go find out who it is.”
Katya smiled. “And congratulate them!”
“No, mock them.” Valentina spun around. “Ridicule them and tell everyone we can. This is high school, not an episode of Lizzie fuckin’ McGuire.”
During the next passing period, the triad scoped out the school, trying to figure out who the mom-to-be was. Between the two school buildings, they ran into a certain new girl.
“Oh, hi Adore,” said Valentina.
Adore turned around and raised a metallic hand in greeting. “Oh hey.”
All three cheerleaders jumped back in surprise.
“What the fuck?!” Willam gasped.
“Holy shit!” Valentina whispered.
“Awesome!” said Katya.
Adore had gone MIA from school for the last week or so. Valentina thought maybe her parents had pulled her out in fear of her safety after she’d gotten her arms ripped off by the Overboard Park cheer squad and the Thunderfuck sisters. Now the girl not only had arms, but two separate kinds: one metallic straight out of Star Trek: First Contact. The other looked just looked like a regular arm, the skin tone not quite matching the rest of Adore. Honestly the strangest part was the fact that she was wearing the same white dress she always did. Surely becoming the bionic woman would have necessitated a wardrobe change.
The girl in question turned to completely face the cheer trio, her expression flat. “What?”
“You. You have arms.” Willam floundered, pointing.
Adore didn’t miss a beat. “So do you--you want a fuckin’ medal?”
Katya looked to Valentina, confused. “D-didn’t we rip her arms off?”
Finally making the connection, Adore showed off her new limbs. “Oh, you mean my new prosthetics? Yeah I just got them. Cool, right?”
Willam cough/laughed. “Okay, but. Why the fuck. Do you have two different kinds of arms now?”
Adore scratched the back of her neck with her bionic arm. “It’s kind of a long story.”
~~~
Adore stood before a wall of options, eyeing up the two available types. Though the prosthetics came in many sizes, shapes and colors, there were essentially only two styles and the humanoid had exactly three choices of skin tone.
She mulled it over aloud. “The ones that looks human--no, robotic. No, human. No, robotic. No,” she turned around grinning at the fascinated surgeon and her worried parents. “BOTH!”
~~~
“Oh, well,” remarked Willam. “That seems like a perfectly rational decision.” She shook her head and mouthed ‘what?’ to Katya, who shrugged.
Valentina returned to the mystery at hand. “So, tell me, Adore. Are you pergant?”
Katya suddenly got very excited. “Ohmygod, is it gonna be like a robot baby?” Her mouth dropped in awe. “Is it gonna be a robot?”
Adore’s face screwed up in disgust. “What? Fuck no, I’m not pregnate. I haven’t had a lot of time for dating lately. In case you didn’t know this, guys don’t really wanna fuck a girl with no arms !” She leaned in, lowering her voice as if she was afraid of being overheard. “And the guys that do? Are very strange .”
Valentina’s eyebrows furrowed in contemplation. “Well, if it’s not you then--” realization struck. Valentina’s voice hitched like it had when prom queen finalists were announced. “Oh, oh Jesus fucking yellow penguins yes!”
Katya was suddenly very uncomfortable; Valentina sounded exactly like she had on prom night when Matt hit her sweet spot.
The brown-haired cheer captain spun around excitedly on her heel and took off running toward the south building. “Come on, girls!”
They came upon Alaska, who was chatting with Courtney Act, making the exchange student giggle.
Valentina led the charge. “Hello, ASSka Thunderfuck.”
Alaska responded by socking Willam in the gut.
The blonde crumpled to the floor. Grunting, she defended: “I. Am not. Pragnat!”
“Oh, I know that,” said Alaska. “My sister told me to give that to you.” She opened her bag and presented a thin book to Katya. “My other sister told me to give this to you.”
Katya read the title aloud. “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back! I’ve heard really good things about this.”
Valentina waved away the strangeness of what just happened. The smile in her voice was unstoppable. She was on top of the world. “Oh, ‘Lasky! I heard the good news! Congratulations!”
“I can’t think of a better person to get fat than you,” Willam remarked, straightening her back after the assault.
Courtney smiled and nodded toward the co-head-vice-captain of the cheer squad. “Oh, good mornin’ to you, Willam.”
“And a good ‘fuck you’ to you too, Courtney Act,” spat Willam.
Alaska shook her head and zipped her bedazzled backpack shut. “What even are you bitches babbling about?”
Valentina smirked, smug with schadenfreude. “Oh, just the good news that the Thunderfucks are about to add a new pup to their litter.”
Katya leaned down to speak to Alaska’s leopard print belt. “You’re so lucky,” she cooed. “It’s like being born into royalty.”
Alaska shot Katya a look until she backed out of Alaska’s personal space. “Are you guys trying to infeeeerrrr that I am with chiiiiillld?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.
Willam grimaced dramatically. “Well, not so much that as harboring what I can only assume is the spawn of Satan himself inside you.”
Alaska folded her arms across her chest, leaned back and glanced at Courtney. “But that is specifically what you’re asking me, riiiiight? Because I’m not.”
Exasperated, Valentina said louder than necessary “What?”
Katya looked down at the plastic in her palm. “Well, then whose pee have I been carrying around on this stick all day?”
At that exact moment, Blaine rounded the corner and asked “Hey, Courtney, do you think our baby is gonna be Australian or American? Nevermind--I wanna be surprised.”
“Wait-- Courtney?!” demanded Valentina. “You’re pregnant?”
Willam barked a laugh.
“Yea, I am ’avin Blaine’s baby." Courtney took her boyfriend’s hand. "So it’s my pee you hold on ye’ stick, Katee-yer.”
Disgusted, Valentina directed Katya to throw the thing away. Katya did, her mind still trying to process the news.
Willam cackled. “YOU’RE fucking pargente?” Cackle. “THAT’S hysterical!” She pointed at Courtney. “You can barely speak English.” She pointed at Blaine. “You’re a fucking moron! Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! You still wear fucking footie pyjamas you stupid idiot!”
“My feet get cold,” Blaine defended softly, pouting.
Courtney rubbed her boyfriend’s shoulder. “He has cold feet.”
Willam was hysterical. She fell to her knees still laughing. She managed to get ahold of herself for long enough to pray aloud: “God? It’s me, Willam. I know I said I was an atheist. But I was wrong. So wrong! But I am back. And I am all yours. Do with me what you want!” With that she pulled her keys from her pocket and stood back up, proclaiming “This is the best day ever! I am going shopping!”
She took one last look at Courtney, tears running down her cheeks. “Thank you, Courtney Act. Thank you so fucking much!”
As Willam turned to leave for the student parking lot, Courtney said “You are welcome, Willam. It is an honor to be carrying the -- how’d ya say -- baby of the man you once loved.”
Willam stopped dead in her tracks, all glee in her voice sucked out. “Are you fucking serious. We all just said ‘baby’ literally about a hundred times. You even just said the word ‘baby’.” Willam panted. “So don’t fucking pretend like you don’t know how to say ‘baby’ you PREGNANT CALIFORNIAN BITCH!”
Katya and Valentina formed a barricade to stop their friend from dismembering the exchange student. If it happened more than once in a year people were bound to get suspicious.
“Okay,” Courtney shrugged. Alaska smiled at her and linked her arm through Courtney’s. Blaine wrapped his arm around Courtney’s waist and the three walked off to class together, unbothered by the cheer triad’s taunts.
Alaska turned her head before rounding the corner with her friends. “Biiieeeeee!”