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Sitting, shivering, on the motel bed, wrapped in the scratchy old towel Dean had thrown at me, I looked at my brother.
Knowing that I had a direction to move in did make whatever the trials seemed to be doing to me easier. It let up the strangle hold that it had on my body, made it easier to complete everyday tasks; it was easier to keep up the façade that everything was okay, and faking it was almost second nature by now, after so many years of pulling everything in and keeping up appearances for Dean it felt foreign to let down those shields and let Dean actually see what was going on.
I know that’s what he wanted though.
Even after I looked away I could still hear Dean rummaging around in the room looking for some more towels to dry me off after my ice bath. I could tell Dean was upset about having to dunk me in the bathtub to force my fever down. Letting him rush around fusing over me would make him feel better… and if I was being honest with myself I liked it as well, it made me feel like my brother still cared about me even if this was probably just the leftovers of year of “take care of Sammy” still resonating in Deans head from when we were younger.
“Heads up”
I only lifted my head in time to feel another ratty towel hit my face at the same time that the world went black in front of my eyes. I lifted one shaking hand it pull the fabric off of my head, revealing Dean’s hopeful smiling face. Any other time I’d be either laughing with him at my slow reactions or giving him a “bitch face” for throwing a towel at my head but I just didn’t have the energy for either.
I didn’t have the energy to keep up with his façade anymore…
“You can stop pretending.” I said as I clumsily rubbed the new dry towel through my dripping hair in a sad attempt to soak up the icy water.
The confusion showed on Deans face, “What are you on about now?”
I would have stayed quiet if I’d been in my right mind, but then again if I was then this wouldn’t have been a problem…
“Just stop! Okay!” My outburst was enough to keep Dean from saying anything else but now that I’d started I couldn’t keep myself from talking.
“I know that I’m useless to you like this and its probably some leftover caregiver instinct that's making you go all mother hen on me but you don’t need to okay! You don't need to pretend that you care or that I’m worth the trouble! I kno…”
“Now hold on!” My brothers’ voice cut off my rant and I looked up to see Dean’s furious expression.
I shrank back in on myself at the look on Dean’s face. I new that my brother wasn’t happy with me and that he’d never trust me the way that he used to, not after everything… but I’d hoped that I’d never need to see that look directed my way again.
Dean spoke up again now that I was the one that had fallen silent.
“That’s what you think? That I don’t give a shit about you!”
“No that's not what I’m saying…” I manage to stammer out. “I know that you’ll always care a bit, I mean you’ve spent so long looking after me that I doubt you could stop if you tried.” I tried to make the statement into a joke, flashing a tired smile at Dean but his face remained as furious as ever.
I had to look away from my brother before I could continue.
“What I mean is that I’m useless and I can’t stand that thought of giving you another reason that you don’t believe in me, or that I might screw up on a hunt and finally have you follow through with what you do to every other monster…”
I was forced to stop talking again when Dean hauled me off of the bed by my still soggy t-shirt.
“Don’t say that! You aren’t a monster Sam, you never have been.” Dean kept holding onto me as he spoke.
“NO, don't lie to me! You said it! Before, you said it!” My voice was shaking as I looked at my brother, needing him to remember this… It had killed me to hear it and if he didn’t even remember saying it…
“What the hell are you on about? I never said that to you!”
Hearing those words pass Deans lips broke me in two. He didn’t remember. Didn’t know what he said to me back in that old church that brought me low enough to kick-start the apocalypse.
I lifted my tired arms and batted weakly at his hand still holding my shirt. He dropped his hand away but I barely noticed as I moved to find my bag.
I had to get it. I needed to prove it to him. I had to make him remember.
Reaching my bag I hauled it up onto the rumpled bed I had been sleeping on earlier, riffling through it to find what I was looking for. Throwing things out of the bag in my haste not even looking to see what they were.
My hand had just closed around what I was looking for when I head Dean speak.
“Sammy…” The shocked tone in my brother’s voice made me look back at him.
I turned to see Dean holding a black leather cord in his hand and my heart stopped.
I rushed forward as quickly as my shaking legs would carry me, reaching and pulling the necklace from his hand.
I looked back up once I had the amulet safely in my grasp again. Dean was just standing there shocked, not moving at all except for the quick flicks of his eye looking back and forth between my face and the hand that clutched at the black cord like a lifeline.
Quickly trying to draw Dean’s attention away from the amulet I clicked a few buttons on my phone before thrusting it into his hands.
Dean looked at the phone and back up to me.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” He asked confused as he held out the phone.
I hit one more button on the screen, prompting a little electronic voice to play, “You have one saved message.”
“Play it.” I croaked out.
Dean was still looking at me like I’d gone nuts but he did what I asked; and the words that I’d first heard in a rundown convent 4 years ago began to play over the crappy phone speaker.
“Listen to me, you bloodsucking freak. Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you. Well, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster, Sam -- a vampire. You're not you anymore. And there's no going back.”
While I stood there listening to the recording play again I could feel fresh water on my cheek. I pulled the corner of the towel up to wipe the tears falling from my eyes, hoping I could get rid of the evidence before Dean noticed. I didn’t want my brother to see me as even weaker than before, to have another reason to notice how useless I am.
I saw Dean move towards me and cringed back with the unrealistic fear that playing the recording for him brought back those feelings in Dean. For one terrifying moment I thought that my brother would finally follow though on his promise not to go back. That he would kill me just like every other monster.
At my cringe Dean slowed his motion but didn’t stop. He stood in front of me and put my phone down on the bed before reaching to out hold onto my shoulders.
“Sammy…” Dean moved one hand up to turn my head so I was looking at him. “You gotta believe me when I say this. I never. Never, said that to you.”
That couldn’t be true, I had the proof. I had the message. I’d kept it for four years. Four years of listening to that message whenever I got careless to remind myself to never let Dean down like that again.
What was going through my head must have been showing on my face because Dean let go of my head for a moment to pull me to him, engulfing my taller frame in a hug in a way I didn’t think was still possible with how much larger I was compared to my brother.
“When did you get that?” Dean asked still holding me to him.
“When I was going to kill Lilith.” I said, keeping my grip on Dean. I wanted to hold onto this for as long as I could before I had to leave Dean’s arms and face to world again.
When my words registered I could feel my brothers body go rigid, tensing up around me. I let go then, moving back to give Dean the space to vent the anger I could feel building up under his skin.
“That winged ass-monkey!” Dean’s outburst made me flinch back until the words registered.
“What?” I asked slowly
“I wish I could bring that flying dick back just so I could stab another blade through his smug face.” Dean was visibly seething as he spoke now.
His words did bring one specific angel to mind though.
“What does Zachariah have to do with this?” I asked confused
My brother took a few minutes to try and calm himself before answering. Taking in deep breaths and pacing in back and forth a few times before turning to once again face me.
“When you went after Lilith the angels stuck me in that room we found Adam in. Remember that?” At my nod Dean continued.
“When I was stuck there Zachariah was talking with me before Cas was able to get me out and he said that you had a part to play in starting the apocalypse but you’d need nudging to play your part.”
Nudging… I mean I knew by now that the angels had wanted the apocalypse to happen but he’d figured that they just stood back and let Ruby be the one to screw him over. Get him to free Lucifer…
“Sam I left you a message that night but it wasn’t that.” Dean’s gaze bore into mine.
“Don't get me wrong I was seriously pissed and I told you that I owed you a serious beat down.”
My face must have fallen at that point because Dean continued on quickly.
“NO that doesn’t mean that I think you're a monster, or that I would ever say any of those things to you. Sam I said that we were brothers, that we were family and that nothing would change that.”
No that couldn’t be right… Dean had said that he hated me, that he’d hunt me. That was the one thing that pushed me over the edge, there wasn’t anything left for me to lose by facing Lilith because I’d already lost the person who mattered the most. If Dean hadn’t actually said that…
I could just hear something breaking through my mental haze.
“Sammy? Sam! Come on man say something.” Dean’s voice had completely lost the anger that it had been saturated in when he talked about Zachariah, leaving only worry.
It felt like something was lodged in my throat choking me but I had to do what Dean asked, I owed him this…
“…i’m sorry.” I just managed to croak out
Tears were welling up in my eyes again, blurring my vision until Dean remained only as a fuzzy shape in front of me.
“Oh Sammy” Dean’s voice washed over me as I felt his arms wrap around me again. Pulling my shaking body back to him. I sobbed into his shirt as the relief of finally being rid of this weight after carrying it around with me for the last four years sank in. My brother didn't hate me, hadn't wanted to kill me.
“Sammy I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that for so long. I should have said something about it so long ago.” Dean mumbled against the side of my head.
“No, it’s not your fault Dean. Thank you, thank you so much.” I sobbed into his neck.
Dean and I stayed there as I calmed down. The soba wracking my body subsided until I could breath normally but even then I didn’t want to move out of my brothers embrace. There was something that I had to ask though.
“Dean would you maybe put it on?” As soon as the words left my mouth I became terrified of the answer I would get.
“I mean if you want it… if you don't you can” Dean cut off my rambling before I could finish taking back the offer.
“I’d love to have it back.” I could hear the smile in Dean’s voice as he spoke.
Leaning back from Dean I lifted my hand up revealing the amulet to him again. He reached out to take a hold of the cord
“I love you little brother.” Hearing those words leave Dean’s mouth shocked me, “I know we don’t say that but I just wanted to let you know…”
“Yeah.” I moved again batting his hand away in favour of placing the cord around his neck myself.
After I’d smoothed the cord into place and finished fiddling with the amulet I stepped back to look at my brother. Seeing him with the amulet again after all these years made me feel like I’d regained a missing limb. The sense of right that washed over me was enough to make it impossible to keep a smile off of my face. The both of us broke out laughing at that point, impossible to keep the sound inside. We were more happy and at ease than we could remember being in the last four years and the relief of that was enough to make us giddy. Our laughter finally died down leaving just companionable silence.
“You know this has probably been the biggest chick flick moment we’ve had.” I couldn’t resist, I just had to say it.
“Yeah well I am talking with a big girl.” Dean gave me a shove as he said it, a big smile still pasted on his face.
I pushed him back, “Jerk.”
“Bitch.” Dean laughed and wrapped his arm around me to pull me towards the door. “Come on, lets go see if Megatron is han…”
“Metatron.” I said automatically
“What?” Dean stopped turning to me
“It’s Metatron, Megatron is the villain from Transformers.” I said
“Whatever, we still need to check if he’s in the room down the hall.” Dean replied with a chuckle.
“Yeah lets go.”