Chapter Text
Jeongguk sits in the taxi, gazing at the city lights that illuminate the night. He's listening to the pop music playing on the radio as well as the occasional shake of his luggage at the back whenever the car encounters a bump on the road. He lets out a sigh and leans on his seat as his eyes move towards the blue numbers inside the taxi.
3:00 am.
He's once again coming home from another late flight, something he has a love-hate relationship with. Whenever he arrives around these hours, it means that he'll have to adjust to the jet-lag, which Jeongguk tends to have difficulty with as he's the type to want to sleep as soon as he feels like doing so. On the other hand, he loves how quiet the world is during these hours, it's soothing after travelling so long and encountering so many people, from the plane and to the places he visited. Now it's only him, the taxi driver, and the pop singer on radio that's turned down to a soft volume.
Travelling is exhausting, with all the planning, packing, budgeting, and navigating. While all of it is worth the fun and experiences, one of Jeongguk's favorite moments is setting his foot back in his home country, returning as well to the love of his life.
Jeongguk finally arrives at their house.
He sets his bags in the living room then carries nothing but his video camera and a small folder as he walks towards the bedroom. He grabs the tripod from the corner of the room and quickly sets up his video camera, his finger then presses the record button.
"Jimin-hyung!" Jeongguk beams. "I just came back from my trip to Paris. The eiffel tower is so cool up close. As always, I took a lot of pictures." He grabs a few polaroids from the folder and shows them one-by-one to the camera.
"This one is my favorite of the tower." The eiffel tower glows as the sky behind it showcases a gradient of blue to black, the transition to night time, but the darkness more prominent and accentuates the tall iron structure. "It's so pretty. The photo would definitely be prettier with you in it though." Jeongguk giggles and winks at his camera. He grabs a few clips then starts putting the pictures up along with all the other ones.
Polaroids adorn the four walls of the room, some are clipped on rows of wires, some are taped flatly on the wall, and some are pinned up on boards. All are laid out and clumped together into groups based on location. There are some empty spaces available, labelled with foreign destinations such as "New Zealand" and "Malaysia" as well as local places such as "Jeju" and "Jeonju".
The polaroids are all taken by Jeongguk and are pictures of everything he saw, from large sceneries to tiny details.
A curving path surrounded by pastel pink trees, vibrant green grass beyond its left and a cool blue river beyond its right.
A plate with orange pasta topped with pieces of meat, cheese, and a little bit of parsley, sat on top of a wooden table beside a glass of wine.
A curious white duck staring out of the photo, its tiny ducklings right behind, curious as well but staying in the comfort of their mother's back side.
He set up the ones he liked the most and more importantly, the ones he thought would make Jimin smile.
"But really! It was lonely being in Paris. Couples everywhere... I wanted to tell everyone 'I have a boyfriend too!' and a prettier one at that." Jeongguk pouts as he remembers always walking past couples every few meters. "Next time, I'll make sure to bring you there and brag to everyone that I got the most beautiful person ever as my boyfriend." He grins then his smile soon softens.
"I can't wait to bring you there. I have lots of places to show you and lots of food you gotta try." He brings out a few more polaroids, most of which are photos of food, pictured impressively, making the delicious-looking food seem like works of art.
"Oh! I also met a mime friend there, so it wasn't too lonely with all the couples around. He was a fun guy. I wanted to know his name… but he couldn't tell me." He hangs a polaroid of a mime making a funny face with a matching pose. "See, here's a picture of him. He made me laugh a lot. Not as much as you do but he was great."
Jeongguk continues talking to the camera. Rambling on and on about his experiences in the foreign country, both the good and the bad, while regularly saying things like ‘I can't wait to bring you there.’, ‘It'd be so much fun if you went there with me.’, and ‘I missed you and thought about you a lot.’
He finishes setting up the wall with the letters ‘FRANCE’ taped on and briefly inspects his completed work. He then turns back to the camera. "I'll be visiting you tomorrow as usual, love." His gaze softens and a faint glisten coats his eyes.
"I hope you wake up soon. I miss you and I love you, Jimin-hyung."
Jeongguk grips tightly on the bouquet in his hand as he ascends to the familiar floor. Most hospital hallways look similar, identical doors and almost identical layouts. However, this floor is not like the others. To most, it's the same doors, same walls, and same nurses walking by, but in the eyes of Jeongguk, this one is clearly different.
Ahead of him are footprints on the path leading towards his boyfriend's room, as if freezing snow is always covering the ground, unmelting. Proof of his movements never fade, and instead imprint deeper the more he walks. And on each step, he feels the walls closing in on him, getting narrower and narrower the closer he gets.
When the walls surrounding him are mere inches away from coming into contact with his shoulders, a tall door stands right in front of him. Jeongguk turns the doorknob that’s cold as ice and opens the door, leading to the enclosed space with a more intense and numbing temperature.
Despite the arctic atmosphere, Jeongguk’s heart warms at the sight of his sun, laying on the snow-white bed, eyes closed, breathing slow, and looking so delicate and beautiful.
Jeongguk finally arrives at his home.
“Jimin-hyung.” He says softly as he approaches the bedside, taking a seat on his usual stool. “I missed you.” He says as he lays the red carnations down beside him and gently caresses Jimin’s cheek.
“I just got back from Paris. It was fun.” He gives a small smile as he remembers the section of polaroids he set up last night. “I’m still jet-lagged. You know, after travelling a bunch of times, I’m still not used to it. I don’t think I ever will.” He chuckles, a bit weakly, followed by a yawn.
His heart aches as he holds Jimin’s hand and sees the IV tube piercing through his used-to-be-markless smooth skin. Moisture suddenly wells up in Jeongguk’s eyes but he tilts his head upward to hold them back, just like he’s stopping his urge to hold Jimin, to touch him, without any tubes or machines attached, but he can’t.
“Hyung.” His hands shake while grasping his boyfriend’s tinier hand in his.
“Hyung.” He repeats, voice trembling. “Jimin-hyung, my love.” He whispers painfully, squeezing his hand a little bit tighter.
“Please wake up. I need you.” His voice cracks. A single tear escapes his eye then more follow.
He wants to hold on, hold on to the hope that Jimin is waking up soon. But after enduring so many sleepless nights and so many empty mornings, it becomes harder to hang onto the thinning thread of hope.
He's never said it, neither out loud nor in his thoughts, and he's never acknowledged it. He's too scared that if he does, it might come true. So deep down inside him, the thought simply lingers:
I don’t know if he’ll ever wake up anymore.
He cries for the rest of the night, while whispering words and pleas of love and longing, heard by no one but Jeongguk himself. He does this at every first visit after a trip, the short period of being away and alone is enough to pile up and cause an overflow with Jeongguk's emotions, which are then fully released as soon as he returns to Jimin's side. He cries in front of him often, some may say too often, but the first night always brings him to spiral and sometimes threatens the hope that he's holding on to.
He wishes he never runs out of hope just like he doesn't seem to be running out of tears.
Fatigue from travelling recently and from crying today consumes him, so he approaches the visitor's bed near Jimin's own. He lies down, falls asleep, then hours later the sun is up and it's another day.
Another day of Jeongguk overworking himself while staying by Jimin's side.
He types and clicks away on his laptop, working on one out of a ton of his commissions. It became an unhealthy habit of his to overwork himself and take up a lot of jobs from clients, whether it's a painting work, a photography gig, or a video project. If it can keep him busy and if there's just the right amount of space in his schedule, he'll do it. In a way, doing this helps him cope as he makes sure that he's never idle, preventing the negative thoughts from surfacing anytime.
Even when he's travelling, the work doesn't stop. Travelling is considered a vacation by most but for Jeongguk it's just working elsewhere. Though he does decrease the workload slightly when he does, he plans it out such that he doesn't have as much to do during the time periods when he's out of the country. His top priority is taking photos and videos for Jimin after all.
He only ever travels two or three times a year though, the duration ranging from a few days to a few weeks. He doesn't like staying for longer because it feels even lonelier, being in unfamiliar places where he knows no one. It's already lonely enough without Jimin. Though there's also the fact that he can't really afford to, money-wise. He earns a lot from his work as he's always overbooked but even so, with international travelling expenses, living expenses, and hospital bills, there's only so much he can afford.
He's been in this cycle for three years, and almost four. Drowning in work, drowning in planning for his trips, and drowning in work stress 24/7.
All of this he does just to not drown in loneliness and missing the love of his life.
Months of endlessly working goes by and Jeongguk is once again returning from a trip, with his luggage left in the living room, and his camera and polaroids in hand. He sets the camera up on the tripod, lets out a deep sigh, then presses record.
"Jimin-hyung!" He looks straight at the lens as he gives the best smile he can. "Just got back from New Zealand. I only stayed for a few days and didn't go to that many places, but I took a ton of photos."
He shows a bunch of them to the camera, breathtaking sceneries with green pastures, blue lakes, and mountains in the distance, the photographs looking more like paintings due to their clear and vibrant colors.
"New Zealand is so beautiful." He pauses and lets out a lighthearted laugh. "You're probably gonna be sick of me saying this but all the pictures I take and all the places I go to would be much prettier if you were there."
He holds up a few more polaroids, this time prominently white in color. "It's really cool how it's winter over there when it's summer over here. It was refreshing." One of the photos he shows is an upward shot on a mountain, smooth and blindingly white snow completely covering everything, resembling a well-made cream cake, with a few hints of brown at the higher slopes. "You've always really loved the snow... This place is perfect for you, hyung."
He stares at the photos, reminiscing about the scenery and the cold atmosphere. And suddenly, he's reminded of a similar place, all white and freezing, but unlike the wide and open space of the mountain area, this one is smaller, suffocating, and depressing.
He shakes his head and snaps out of it, remembering that he's in the middle of recording a video. He quickly turns his frown into a smile then proceeds to hang some polaroids on the wall.
He continues talking about the places he went to, though a little less animatedly. He doesn't go into detail as much as usual except for the ones he knows Jimin would really like to go to such as this very clear and mirror-like lake and this pasture with cute flocks of sheep.
"I got to cradle a lamb in my arms. It reminded me of you." He looks at the photo of a light brown baby sheep, walking through the very green grass and nestling closely to the older ones. "Everything reminds me of you though." A tiny smile appears on his face as he thinks of Jimin, thinks of both the memorable and seemingly mundane moments with him. But the smile is soon replaced by a small frown as tears start to well up in his eyes and the more recent memories flash across his mind.
He goes off-camera and lets his tears out quietly, releasing as much as he can quickly so he can return to recording. He also notes to himself to edit this part out later.
He eventually comes back to the camera's view, eyes a bit red but only noticeable if looked at closely. He finishes up the section on the wall for New Zealand, realizing after he's done that he was silent the whole time. He sighs and looks straight into the camera, lips wobbling slightly as he tries to form words to say without breaking down.
"Sorry for this mess of a video, hyung." He smiles sadly. "I hope you like how I set up this portion of the wall." He adjusts the camera to show it better, the letters NEW ZEALAND surrounded by polaroids hanging on wires and doodles drawn on sticky notes.
"I miss you." His throat strains as he cracks on the last syllable. "Hope you wake up soon, Jimin-hyung."
As soon as he stops recording, the sobs he's been holding back release themselves.
The more he does this, the more it's been getting harder to keep himself composed. A part of him is even starting to hate all this, how he talks to his camera when he should be talking directly to Jimin, how he's going to all these trips alone when he should've been going with Jimin, how he feels so alone right now when he could just be with Jimin.
How it just feels so wrong to not have Jimin.
He looks around the room he created, the large number of polaroids showing all the places he's been to. He did all this for Jimin, so when he wakes up, he can enjoy the travels through Jeongguk's experience with the help of his stories and his camera recording everything. Then when he recovers, they can go together and truly enjoy the journey through the different locations in the world.
Jeongguk's eyes fall onto the part of the wall with significantly less polaroids, only three and are of the same site, placed under the red letters spelling out JAPAN.
He walks towards it, his mind recollecting why this part is so bare which then causes him to lower his head and bite his lip.
He regretted going to this one.
Because going to Japan was supposedly their first trip together. But instead, they had a very unpleasant trip to the hospital.
They were both so excited. They've thought about it since they were still in college, started actually planning for the trip after Jeongguk graduated, then waited until they both got jobs and saved enough for a big trip to Japan.
They were set to celebrate their seventh anniversary along with Jimin's birthday. They were very eager and ready, they've waited and worked so hard for this.
But rather than a trip to Japan, with red and orange colors and the slightly chilly temperature of the Autumn season at the time, they ended up on a trip to the hospital, with the cold white walls, blaring red lights, and the deafening screams of the siren.
After a year of Jimin still in a coma, Jeongguk decided to go to Japan for his sake. But before this, he only traveled within Korea and took photos there, thinking that documenting little trips in their home country would be a nice thing that Jimin would come back to. He went almost every month until the twelfth passed by and he still hasn't woken up, which then caused Jeongguk's spirits to lower tremendously.
But he tried staying strong and thought that the longer Jimin's away the bigger the present for him should then be. And so, similar to their original plans (but not completely as he wants to save the really special places for when he can go with Jimin), he prepared a month-long trip to Japan.
It ended up lasting for only a week, as massive amounts of regret and guilt filled him completely. He couldn't do it. He never even went out of his hotel room except for the first day. He visited a park in the middle of spring where it was nice and calming until he looked around and saw all the people hanging around in pairs or groups. It made Jeongguk nauseous, it made him regretful, it made him sad, it made him so lonely.
It made him want to immediately go back to Jimin.
He already paid for everything though so he tried to carry on. He tried, he really did. But all he could manage to do was spend the days cooped up in the silence and loneliness of his hotel room.
He decided to go back home after a week. He didn't do the usual video and instead went straight to see Jimin, crying while holding his hand and whispering 'I'm sorry's and 'I miss you's. He stayed overnight everyday for at least a month at that time, strongly and continuously wishing for Jimin to wake up.
But unfortunately, that didn't happen as he is forced to keep waiting. This time period was one of his lowest points. He didn't think of giving up on waiting, he would never want to do that, but it was a very painful period where his chest would constantly feel like it's being ripped out, tears would easily form in his eyes, and sleep would barely ever come to him.
As some depressing form of coping, and possibly a bit of self-inflicted and deliberate harm, he later went inside the polaroid room after not entering it for so long, and set up the Japan part of the wall. There was an excess of space because of the small number of photos he took, but he did what he could with it anyway.
It ended up with him silently and emptily staring at his finished work, before tears inevitably arrived once again.
But somehow, finishing it actually helped. It reminded him of why he did this, why he spent time and effort on this room. It was all for Jimin. He should keep going and hang in there too. He needs to, for Jimin.
Since then was the start of his travels that included foreign countries, but he swore never to Japan, while he was overworking himself more than ever. He did give himself a break though, if one could call it that.
It's a month-long break. He stays by Jimin's side for this whole month, sleeping on the visitor's bed every single night and working on a few commissions or his video logs every single day.
He does this every October. The month when Jimin was born and when they first got together. Also the month when he first got into the coma.
Jeongguk is on his laptop, editing the two video logs he recorded this year, the one for France and the one for New Zealand. He notices how the two are so different, the video recorded earlier was better, Jeongguk looked like he was holding up more, his behavior in this video was like usual. Meanwhile, the video recorded later, it was worse, more depressing, more silent. Did his condition really plummet that badly? It does become harder to hold on the more time goes by, but seeing it like this—
His thoughts are interrupted when he suddenly hears a loud beep. He looks around the hospital room and sees nothing out of the ordinary. He goes back to thinking and working— but the beeping doesn't stop.
He puts his laptop aside and checks outside the room. The hallways are empty and he can't find any possible source for the sound. He keeps looking as the sound grows louder, and eventually he gives up.
But the moment he turns around, his blood runs cold.
The heart monitor attached to Jimin glows blindingly... with three flatlines all over it.
"No..." He then realizes that it's where the beeping is coming from as he afraidly approaches, the sound becoming so loud that it feels like his eardrums are about to burst. His chest constricts and his mind races as he asks himself, is his worst nightmare really happening before his eyes right now?
Hesitantly, he turns to the hospital bed and looks at Jimin's face, the blank expression still on it as it's always been. He was about to reach out to him and hold him, but he's left frozen in place, as he notices a pool of intense red staining the white bedsheets and dripping down onto the room's brown floor.
"No..." He whispers to himself repeatedly as he takes a step back. The images of red sirens and large amounts of blood suddenly flash across his mind as the sound of the beeping heart monitor blended with the ringing sound of an ambulance siren invades his ears.
He falls onto his knees as he begins to scream and cry, begging for it to stop. "This can't be happening... No!" He roughly pulls on his hair as his eyes are tightly shut, but the images still appear before him, relentlessly making him look at them.
His vision eventually turns to black, though soon after, he opens his eyes widely as he jolts awake.
His head whips to the direction of the hospital bed. Eyes and mouth closed, body unmoving, Jimin still has yet to wake up. The bed is white and clean and the heart monitor still shows the usual lines going up and down, and up and down. Jeongguk lets out a shaky sigh as he removes the laptop that was still on his lap, then he stands up and sits on the stool by the bed.
"Hyung..." He slowly reaches out to grab his hand, holding it so delicately like it's a priceless and yet fragile piece of treasure.
He doesn't say anything, just silently gazes at him, Jimin's hand in his own.
He doesn't even know what time it is but barely any source of light could be seen, if a pin dropped it could clearly be heard, and not even the fingers intertwined with his could give him any warmth.
And before he realizes, he feels some warmth on his face, from the tears that fall without making a single sound. He bites his lip, enough to make it bleed, as sobs cause his shoulders to shake.
Oh how he's so tired of this, of crying, of waiting, of hopelessly holding on. But is it really hopeless? He often asks himself that, keeps trying to cling to any thread that could pull him out of the pits of darkness.
Even Jimin's mother already gave up. Jeongguk hates it, but a part of him understands. It's so hard to hang in there, not knowing what could happen. He knows she wants her son to live, but the chances of that happening continue to shrink, and the hurt in their hearts continue to grow, all as time goes by.
The doctors and nurses said so, chances of survival decrease in time. Most cases last only for about a few days, a few weeks, sometimes months. If the longer ones survive, and especially if they're able to fully recover, it's already considered an uncommon case, a miracle some would say. Jimin's family members have been asked many times: Do they want to pull the plug, to stop life support, or in other words, end the suffering, both for them and for Jimin?
They were all against it, losing a dear family member is something unthinkable, and so they always waited for him to finally open his eyes. His condition eventually stabilized but he still wouldn't wake up. Two years, three years, and soon four years have passed, some have grown to accept the possibility, some try to forget or deny, but at this point, the only one who's waiting is Jeongguk, all alone but not wanting to stop.
He continuously wishes for the miracle, that one day Jimin will wake up, will see him, hear him, touch him, and speak to him. It will take a long time of recovery to do all that but right now, he's just waiting for the day when, instead of saying it to his video camera, Jeongguk can finally look into Jimin's beautiful eyes and tell him.
I've missed you. I love you so much.
Tiredness inevitably washes over his entire being, the nightmare causing him to lose a great deal of energy, and his eyes are especially fatigued as they're sore from crying and from being rubbed. He very reluctantly lets go of Jimin's hand, a sting in his heart as soon as he does, and lies back down on the visitor's bed.
He closes his eyes and tries to push away all the negative thoughts, then he succumbs back into sleep.
Few hours go by and his slumber gets disrupted when he wakes up to the sound of nurses talking in low voices inside the room. He sits up and rubs his eyes to get a clearer view then sees the nurses doing their usual procedures.
But for some reason, something feels... off.
He stares at the people wearing white, crowding around Jimin. Did this many nurses always tend to him? Usually, it's one or two but today it's... Huh, is that the doctor? Jeongguk watches the scene before him for a while, drowsy and eyes blank.
Is it even already time for check-up...?
He checks the time and finds it unusual. He connects the dots and remembers his recent nightmare. This makes him snap out of his sleepiness, panic setting in, eyes now wide, body suddenly on his feet, as the worst case scenario flashes across his mind.
"W-What's going on?" Jeongguk asks, voice a bit low and hoarse from being newly awake, but fear very evident. Some of them glance at him for a moment but continue with whatever they were doing, leaving Jeongguk clueless as his anxiety rises. But thankfully, a nurse approaches him and asks him to sit back down on his bed. It was one of the kind nurses who Jeongguk sees often and is comfortable around so he sits down, albeit hesitantly, and waits for an explanation.
"We're still checking up with Mr. Park." She says, voice sweet and gentle. "We recently received some results and it showed that more activity has been detected in Mr. Park's brain. The doctor is here to go over it and examine him carefully."
Jeongguk's expression is unchanging, not really knowing what that means or the implications of that as his mind is too distressed to process the information. "What... What does that mean?"
"There's been an improvement with his condition but—" The nurse isn't able to finish her statement as Jeongguk cuts her off.
"Improvement?! Is he..." Tears well up in his eyes as his voice strains. "Is he... waking up?" He looks at her expectantly and almost pleading, begging that she says something that Jeongguk wants to hear, but the nurse only smiles at him sadly.
"We can't say anything for sure. We will notify you of any news as soon as we're able."
Jeongguk can't stop the tears that fall on his cheeks as he buries his face in his hands. It's not bad news, but it's not exactly good either. He's still stuck in the spiral of uncertainty, just begging for a clear answer, and ideally a good one. He asks for the millionth time, How long will this go on?
The nurse sits beside him and rubs his shoulder, trying to give him some comfort. "We assure you that we're doing our best, Mr. Jeon." She tells him, but Jeongguk doesn't want to hear that.
He wants to hear that Jimin will be okay. He wants to hear that Jimin will wake up. He wants to hear that Jimin is waking up soon .
He just wants to hear Jimin again.