Chapter Text
42 steps, 42 steps. It was just 42 steps to Jonny’s door.
She was safe. It was fine. She was on Aurora. Her friends were here and Jonny’s room was 42 steps away.
Lily closed her eyes again, refusing give in to the monsters in her dreams. She was a big girl now. She had a job and everything. She had a grown up job with a proper name. Not just the responsibility to keep their quarters clean and tidy and keep the playroom neat.
The playroom.
There hadn’t been many of them left who used the playroom. She was the youngest by several years and Tolla didn’t like playing anymore now she was learning communications with her mummy and Stefan called her silly for wanting to play at building the houses they’d have on the their new world. They wouldn’t be on the planet anyway so it was silly wasting time. He wanted to build a better power converter.
She tried not to think of it now.
Her last view of it has been very different to how it usually looked.
Stefan had tried to hide in the old den, it wasn’t a very good because they didn’t have much and it wasn’t well hidden but there wasn’t really anywhere else to hide in the playroom either.
The bad ones had found him anyway.
Lily tried hard not to remember that.
She turned in her bed to face the window, trying to count the thousands of stars but she couldn’t settle. Lily’s hands twisted and grasped at her blankets dearly missing Rocco, her cuddly geode that her daddy had made for her. She had tried to find him in the wreckage of the ship before the Mechanisms came and rescued her.
Like everything in her family’s quarters it had all been torn apart, his stuffing bloodstained and ruined. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to touch him.
Lily was already up and out of bed before she even knew what she was doing, walking the 42 steps with tears pouring down her face.
His door wasn’t locked.
***
She’d not been inside before. They’d only rescued her a few days ago.
Lily stepped in carefully and took in the sight.
Jonny’s room was a disaster zone, discarded clothes and bottles both empty and full lay strewn about mixed in with the wreckage of notebooks filled with the scrawl of lyrics and song notes. Sewing materials cluttered up a corner.
It smelt of whiskey, smoke, socks, sweat and spice.
It smelt of him.
It smelt safe.
There was a desk with more notes, scribbled ideas, a communicator, harmonica and several ash trays with multiple cigarette butts in them. There were a few printed images too, jumbled in the chaos and half hidden under everything. One was of a smiling little boy, a lot younger than she was now with two adults, a man with a grin she thought might have been familiar but it had no warmth, his eyes were slightly unfocused as he leaned against a stern, tired looking woman. She didn’t recognise any of them. But there were a few of the crew scattered about, some more stuck on the wall above. They were laughing, or singing, all the angles wonky like someone was jumping or dancing when they took the picture. It was nice to see them looking so happy together.
They always looked happy together when they played their music.
There was a snuffly noise coming from the bed.
Lily had tried to be quiet. She knew charging in and shouting when the crew weren’t expecting it could be bad. Jonny had told her so, sneaking up on them to make them jump was not a good game to play. No surprise hugs. Not even to Marius.
Everyone was still not used to hugs.
Apparently Lily hadn’t needed to be quiet.
Jonny was fast asleep, sprawled out on his bed, half under and half on top of the blankets. He’d shed his waistcoat, goggles and some of his belts but he still held a mostly empty whiskey bottle in one hand the left arm that hand was attached to dangling off the bed, face smushed into the pillow, other arm buried underneath both pillow and head.
Lily had never seen Jonny asleep before. She was suddenly reminded of some of the bigger boys on her ship. But that was silly. Jonny was a grown-up. He was big and strong and powerful. He wouldn’t let anyone get away with raiding Aurora.
Her chest hurt again. She could hear the echo voices shouting and people screaming from her nightmares. He breath hitched.
She knew what she wanted.
“Jonny?”
Nothing.
“Jonny? Please wake up!” She raised her voice a little, trying and failing to stop the wobble wavering in it, threatening to spill over.
Still nothing, if it hadn’t been for the fact that she could still hear his ticking and the soft snuffly snores she would have been worried he was not asleep at all. Still, a lot of nasty thoughts and memories had found their way to the surface and she very much wanted a reassuring cuddle. To be told for definite there were no bad ones on board and there were no bad ones coming.
Jonny was safe. She knew she could ask him and he’d say yes.
The screams were getting louder in her ears as she unwillingly remembered more of her nightmare, the faces and the devastation left behind. Seeing all the red where no red should be.
“Jonny! I had a nightmare and I’m scared!” Tears began to escape down her face again, voice raising to a cry as she reached to shake his shoulder, “Jonny! Please!”
The second her hand made contact Jonny’s eyes snapped open as he reared upward scrabbling desperately for his weapons.
“WHA-? GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” He roared.
Lily startled backwards before bursting into fully terrified tears.
She’d never seen Jonny like this, it was probably why he was good at dealing with raiders, he was scary.
His lips were drawn back in a snarl over very exposed teeth, eyes wild, marks around his eyes smudged with his pupils blown-wide and hands filled with the bottle brandished like a weapon, chest heaving as he tried to locate the source of danger. The only thing that spoilt the image of a murderous beast roused and ready to kill was that in his right hand he had clutched a pillow rather than his usual six shooter. He made a motion with that hand to shoot the room staring confusedly at the pillow when it didn’t make the customary ‘bang’ noise his six shooter always made.
Pillow. What?
The first mate’s sleep-sluggish and whiskey-drenched brain finally caught up with his reactions and registered another noise over his own thundering heart.
Crying.
High-pitched crying.
Jonny dropped the bottle as the scene finally made sense.
Lily.
New panic suddenly flooded him as he scrambled off the bed desperate to reach her, got tangled in his sheets and fell straight off the side with cry into a heap of cursing on the floor.
The sight before her changed so abruptly she stopped crying in sheer shock.
He was Jonny again. Her Jonny.
Jonny fought to untangle himself, then realised she’d stopped wailing.
“Lily?” His vision was still blurry but she was clearly still there, even if there was two of her every time he blinked.
“Jonny?” Lily hiccuped still reeling from the whiplash she’d just witnessed, “Are you alright? I’m sorry I scared you!”
What a ridiculous thing to say, as if she could scare him. “Scared me? No? I’m fine.” He swallowed and realised belatedly that him roaring had not been him dreaming, fuck. He’d just yelled at her hadn’t he? “No, I’m just, tired, really tired and I thought you were someone else?” it came off as a question but he really hoped she got that he hadn’t meant to sound like that, that he was angry with her.
“A bad someone?”
Fuck, wasn’t that a question? All the others knew that when he was really out and asleep to not wake him, that his reactions were unpredictable at the very least, however many fucking years he’d endured Carmilla had that affect. But now Lily had seen him. Fuck he had to fix this, half asleep and still very much drunk.
He rubbed a shaking hand over his face, “A very bad someone.” He managed to fix his gaze on her, determined to look her in the eye, he meant this apology with everything he had, “I’m sorry Lemondrop I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You didn’t.”
Jonny found that very hard to believe, but appreciated her attempt to lie. She was getting better at it.
“No?”
Lily realised she had a decision to make. She knew Jonny and the others tried very, very hard not to scare her. She knew they were used to being a lot rougher with each other before she came. Toy Soldier had told her of all the shooting and shouting and fighting they did, TS said it was all games they played, very dangerous games but games all the same. But they stopped playing those games to let her play and live safely with them. They tried very hard to make things nice and safe. Jonny tried very hard. He warned her all the time of things to do and not do to make sure she stayed safe. It wasn’t fair to say she was scared now when he’d been asleep and he thought she was someone else. It would make him feel bad.
“No. I came to you because I had a bad dream. You make everything better and tell the bad dreams to go away. You make me feel safe and I want a hug now please, it was a bad dream and I miss everyone.”
She started crying again. It wasn’t even a lie. Not really. It really had been a bad dream and she really did miss everyone, even Tolla and Stefan though they’d teased her. They didn’t deserve what had happened. She very much missed Rocco. She told him all her worries. And she’d abandoned him.
Jonny scrabbled upwards arms already reaching for her as she threw herself at him. This he could do. He wasn’t entirely convinced by what she’d said but it’d do. It was enough and he, apparently despite everything, could make her feel safe. That was good enough for his very sleep and alcohol-addled brain.
Lily scrunched up against him, curling up as close as she could to his t-shirted chest, head directly over his heart. Jonny wrapped his arms around her and began to rock her gently, humming Rose Red once he remembered that was a thing she liked.
After a while she began to calm down and Jonny began to process what had actually taken place.
“What, what was the dream about Lemondrop?”
“I, I was in the playroom, I was always the littlest and Tolla and Stefan said they were too big to play with me anymore and they had proper jobs and then they left me in there all alone with Rocco and it all went dark and when the lights came back on and everything was all bloody and they were dead and Rocco was all torn and stained and, and—”
“Hey, hey, it’s alright, it was a bad dream but it’s over now. You’re on the Aurora and you’re safe. Remember.”
There was a soggy nodding into his neck.
“Good girl.” He paused, absorbing what she had said, “It sounds like Tolla and Stefan were playing at being boring adults and you’re far too interesting for that.”
“They were bigger than me.” She sniffed.
“So am I and am I boring?”
“No!” Her answer was as immediate as it was indignant, Jonny couldn’t be boring even if he tried.
He grinned at the accolade, “Well then.”
She leaned back and gave him a snotty smile.
“Exactly!” He grabbed a bit of blanket and started wiping her face.
Lily allowed him to mop her up a bit, it felt so familiar, like when her Daddy would clean her face with his handkerchief when they’d had a messy day tidying and cooking and playing. Her chest started to ache again. “I still miss them.” She said quietly.
Jonny held her tighter, rubbing her back on instinct, “I know Lemondrop. I know it hurts. I wish there was way a stop it hurting but it just does.” It would only stop when she stopped caring so that was going to hurt her for next ever. Jonny didn't like the idea of Lily not caring about things, even though she'd only been a part of the crew for a few days is was obviously a fundamental element to her, like Tim without guns it would feel wrong.
She sank against him, drawing comfort from his presence, the immediacy of his warmth and scent and touch. She was at least safe in his arms. “I know.”
“Was um, was Rocco a pet?” Jonny was genuinely almost too-scared to ask but it was something he should probably know. If it was important to her it would come up again and he wanted to know now and be able to form a proper response. Maybe with the others. It might help her out long term too. Maybe.
“Rocco?” Her eyes welled up again.
Oh fuck. He regretted that moment of maturity. He absolutely should not have asked.
“He was my friend. I told him everything.”
Oh no, another kid. Fuck fuck fuck. Marius warned him there might be more disclosures as she processed things.
“Oh yeah?” Jonny desperately tried to keep his voice calm. How the fuck was he supposed to navigate this without upsetting her more? “Like what?” he tried gently.
“Secrets.” The panic in Jonny’s brain trebled, knowing the sort of things that had gone on on his homeworld, things all the kids pretended to not know about but commiserated each other on in stolen moments, parents fighting, drinking and violence, punches being thrown against people who had no chance to defend against them. His mind started to spiral.
“He was really good at keeping them,” continued Lily as though Jonny wasn’t swirling with anticipated horror, “like I didn’t like Mummy’s bean soup or that daddy had the worst smelling socks on the ship and that I stole a biscuit once when no one was looking.”
Jonny let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
Thank Fucking God On High. That was one small mercy at least.
This kid was at least an innocent. Or, had been an innocent. Until everything she knew was destroyed.
“I’m, I’m sorry about your friend.” Because fuck it what else was he supposed to say?
Lily wilted, “I miss him, he was a cuddly geode with eyes, all green inside because that’s my favourite colour! Daddy made him for me and, and—”
She began to cry again, the renewed heartache over missing her parents that were never coming back to her.
Jonny could have kicked himself. But then again. Dealing with Lily was minefield. At least this ‘Rocco’ hadn’t actually been another kid. Fucking hell. This was exhausting.
She’d only joined them a few days ago.
Jonny had no idea what he was doing. She was still clinging to him her primary source of comfort and he was trying to make that stay in his brain that she found him safe and secure and that she wanted that. He’d been patrolling past her room every hour or so after she’d been put to bed these last nights because her nightmares were pretty frequent and using a few tricks Marius and surprisingly Ivy suggested he’d managed to calm her down back into sleep before any really got going.
Problem was he thought he’d past the point of her bad dreams for this last part of the night and the rest of him was close to shattering with all the new emotions that had been crawling up from the depths of what was left of his humanity. It was a lot.
Whiskey helped.
It helped a lot.
Jonny refused to admit the truth to himself that he was scared. There was nothing left to scare him anymore after Carmilla had her accident after all. No. Not at all. Except there was. He’d told Nastya as much. He was scared he’d mess this up and now he’d been a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy.
He’d only had a bottle, normally it took three to make him actually sleep.
(Emotions were really fucking exhausting it turned out)
So he held her as she cried and quietly panicked that he’d properly scared her and as soon as she finished crying she’d run to the others. Find Marius or Brian or Raphaella or even fucking Tim. It was for the best, really. The sooner she knew he was a broken dangerous thing who could switch from calm to raging with the flip of a card then it was for the better.
He carried on humming to pass the time and tried to savour what a weirdly nice feeling it had been to be someone’s comfort and security even if it was only for a few days.
Lily pressed herself closer to him, ear over his heart, little hand against his neck feeling his pulse.
After a while her tears slowed again.
“M’sorry.”
Jonny was immediately alert, dragged from his reverie.
“No. Don’t be sorry. Remember what I said?”
“Cry and scream as much as I need?”
“Yes Lemondrop.” He grinned despite himself, at least someone listened to him. "So don’t apologise.”
She nodded, crawling up a little higher to press her damp face into his neck.
“Thank you.”
“S’lright, I got you.”
“I know.” And she did know. Knew instinctively and intrinsically. Jonny was safe. Nothing bad could happen to her when she was with him.
She yawned against him.
“Can I stay here? Don’t wanna be alone and you’re safe, you scare all the bad dreams away.”
If Jonny hadn’t already been short-circuiting that would have tipped him over the edge.
Holy Shit.
She still, she wasn’t scar—he was still safe?!
“Yeah, uh, sure you can stay here.”
She cuddled in closer for a minute, kissing his cheek in thanks before letting go and standing up tugging on his hand to get him up too.
“Wha—?”
“Bedtime Jonny.”
Oh, of course bedtime, take her back to her roo—
Lily was climbing on his bed dragging both him and the blankets with her
His brain tripped up and sputtered out at the realisation of what she was asking.
She wanted to sleep in his bed.
She wanted to sleep in his bed with him there.
Any and all sirens existing in his brain set off all at once.
“Um, Lily I—”
“I don’t want to go back to sleep on my own, bad things are waiting. Please?” Her eyes were huge and pleading.
Fuck. This was probably a bad idea. He was certain there were rules, like society rules against this sort of thing.
But then again, since when had he cared about rules and more importantly the idea of being anything other than a ferocious guard dog for Lily whilst she shared any space with him whatsoever sent a powerful wave of nausea rolling through him.
Well fuck it. If it made her feel safe then who was he to argue? Not to mention he was actually truly exhausted and had the very bad luck of having both a hangover with the worse aspects of being drunk. And Raphaella said the age Lily was at she should be having ten hours or more of sleep which she absolutely was not getting. Even Jonny with his limited grasp of time knew that.
“Alright then, just for tonight.”
“Thank you!”
Throwing whatever control he had of the situation out of an airlock he shook out the blankets, climbed onto his bunk and laid the covers over them both. Lily immediately tucked into his side, protected by him against any monster or memory that could charging through the door. Jonny lay rigid, still very convinced this was a very bad idea.
One little arm wrapped over his chest, hand resting on his heart.
She was already half asleep, “Night Night Jonny,”
“Night Lily.” he managed whilst his brain continued to panic.
“You’ve got the best sound, tick, tick, tick, means I know you’re here.”
Well that shouldn’t be a shock to hear the way she pressed her head to his chest whenever she climbed into his lap for a hug or he picked her up but to hear those words outloud?! That was something else entirely. “Um good?” was his eloquent response.
“Very good, know I’m safe, no more bad dre—”
And she was out, her breathing evening to a slow pace, little hand heavier on his chest.
Well fuck it, he wrapped an arm around her and she settled even more with a soft sigh. Even if it was very unlikely he would now sleep he was willing to be a pillow for eight year old orphan. He might as well have a use this evening. Despite everything he began to relax too, calmed subconsciously by the gentle even breathing of the child he was determined to protect.
She was safe. She thought he was safe and he was helping her get some desperately needed rest.
It was enough.
He was resolutely not going to think about how the hated thing in his chest brought her comfort, how he brought her comfort.
He wasn’t going to think about he could cry with relief that he’d been cleaning his gun after Tim had been taunting him about the state of it before he started drinking. Drinking too quickly even for him and he’d forgotten to re-holster it before calling it a night. That he’d left it on the other side of his room with his cleaning stuff.
No, he wasn’t going to think about he’d blindly tried to shoot the room and Lily.
No, not at all.
He was going to think about geodes and whatever they fuck they might be and where he might find one or make up a pattern for one. He wondered what shade of green was her favourite. He might be able to steal something of Marius’, bastard owed him something surely.
That’s what he was going to do.
It was just for tonight after all.
***
Unsurprisingly, it was not just for that night, even Jonny had to sleep sometimes and it turned out feeling emotions on a regular basis that he couldn’t ignore were much better knock-out fuel than whiskey ever was. He still patrolled past her room each evening but he couldn’t catch all the nightmares before they truly started.
He still startled the next few times but soon he got used to having a little body climb into his bunk, cuddle against him and fall asleep.
After a while, if she wasn’t too upset and didn’t come in actively crying he didn’t even wake up. Just awakened in for whatever passed for a morning with an armful of Lily who was sleeping peacefully cuddled up against him.
It seemed to help her at least.
Knowing she could just come to him and find safety.
He still didn’t really know what it was that he offered her but he was more than willing to accept that it did help her so he wasn’t going to question it. Much.
Over the next few months the number of times he spent a night on his own he could count on just his fingers.
He just accepted this was his life now.
He found he didn’t mind.