Chapter Text
Section 1. Subsection 2. Paragraph 4.
[LAST NAME], CJ.
“All men are idiots.”
You briefly wondered what sort of sick, misogynistic, sexist piece of shit, decided to come up with female circumcision, or, its more accurate term, female genital mutilation.
Relax, you weren’t circumcised. . . but for real—what kind of asshole thought brutally invading a woman’s genitals and ripping shit out would be a good idea? And if they did it in the name of religion?
Asshole cubed.
As if God’s interested in the repulsive ways women’s genitalia can be tortured. If there’s one thing you’d like to ask Him though, other than why he gave some humans the innate ability to have self-control and not others (Bufo Egg Milk Tea is addictive, your wallet has been crying and you can’t even afford the fucking tissues to wipe the tears away)—is why he gave the female species the burden that is a period. Whoever the idiot was that thought genital mutilation might, ‘purify’ women, is a dumbass because all they had to do was get rid of periods but thanks for creating an immoral practice that just tortures them with absolutely no benefits, you sexist piece of nuclear trash.
At the present moment on a despicable Monday morning (because bad things always happen on Monday mornings), your internal reproduction organs were in fact going through, some sort, of mutilation because you were producing enough blood to fuel a massacre and unfortunately, an armistice would not be in order until a passing of five days. Six, if your uterus was in a particularly pissy mood.
Much like your wallet, your bathroom cabinet was void of hopeful prospects and promising solutions. You groaned. What were you expecting? Your roommates were the seven(?) rulers of Devildom (technically you and Lucifer were the only ones aware of the hidden seventh roommate but you doubt he’d ask Lucifer to deliver pads alongside his food). They were demonic recreations that embodied the very concept of Hell. That, and they were also goddamn men who definitely don’t need pads because they don’t have a uterus. This is a problem.
As you stuffed your underwear with toilet paper, secretly cursing men for not suffering enough, you carefully considered your options. You’ve only been in Devildom for one month, the people you could rely on were limited. Your best bet would be to ask those you’ve made a pact with since Lucifer, Asmodeus and Satan all seem to find your tribulations entertaining. Should you ask one of them if there was a store in Devildom that sold pads? Do demons even need pads? What if they just magicked their period away?
Do demons even get periods?
You mulled over these questions as if you were ruminating the same principles of philosophy that Aristotle once did. Unfortunately, you weren’t reaping any positive results nor any reassurance as you felt the toilet paper wriggle out of place quite easily, leaving you very anxious. Looking up from your deep thoughts, you saw none other than The Great Mammon, conspicuously examining some object like a kid who stole the hidden candy from the top of the fridge and was now celebrating in their spoils from war. The image brought a natural smile to your lips—something that you found happening quite often when you were around the Avatar of Greed (but don’t tell him that, his ego might explode).
“Mammon~!” you sang gleefully, secretly taking delight in hearing the little squeak that erupted from him as he desperately held whatever it was he stole had behind his back, grinning a crooked smile, more guilty than a murderer still covered in their victim’s blood.
“I-I-I didn’t do nothin’!” he quickly stammered in anticipation and you snickered.
“Relax my dude, I’m not here to snitch,” you respond, bemused.
Mammon let out a comically loud sigh of relief before huffing. “Well, what is it [Name]? The Great Mammon’s busy ya know.”
You hummed, playing along as you feigned a look of distress. “There’s something that’s been bothering me, I was hoping you could help me since, you know, you seem like the guy that knows everything there is to know around here.”
Opening one eye, you tried to stop the smirk that was forming to see Mammon turn an endearing pink, preening, at your praise and attention as he grinned triumphantly. You imagined that if he had a tail it would be wagging. “Well ‘course I am! The Great Mammon is all wise and powerful! So, what’s on your mind?” he asked, genuinely curious.
You pursed your lips. You were genuinely curious too. What should you ask? Whatever happens, you don’t want to end up in a situation of explaining what periods are, no matter what. You grimaced at how you should frame the question. The last thing you wanted was for Mammon to pass out from thinking too hard.
“Are you sexually active?”
Much better, now you just sound like you’re into doctor roleplay. Too bad you never went to med school because Mammon looked like he was absolutely about to pass out. With how red his face was, you were certain that all the blood in his body had rushed into his head and he may very well die from some sort of loss of blood circulation. You can die from that right?
“Wh-wh-what the heck!? What sort of q-question is that!? Wh-why do ya wanna know?!” he spluttered slash half screamed at you, ducking his head so you couldn’t see his eyes… although that made the red flush on his cheeks clash with the snow of his hair. Maybe it was some sort of symbolism on purity defiled by lust. Or maybe it was just a slap to the face since what were you really expecting when asking Mammon, the bonafide tsundere of Devildom?
You rubbed your neck, sighing. You were certain that in spite of Mammon’s rather endearing antics when around you, surely he would have indulged in some sexual endeavours. As the Avatar of Greed, he has to have everything of course.
You chewed your lip and decided to reframe the question.
“Have you ever gotten anyone pregnant before?”
Mammon proceeded to choke on his spit and nearly die from asphyxiation. Whatever he had to say, you didn’t get to hear it because his next flurry of words were incoherent variations of: “WHY DO YA WANNA KNOW!?” and “WHAT KIND OF WEIRD PERVY HUMAN ARE YA!?”
In other words, you’ve reached a dead end with Mammon and you became acutely aware that you were in need of a toilet paper change.
While you were sitting on the toilet, you looked up ‘pads’ on your D.D.D (and sincerely hoped Diavolo wasn’t secretly tracking your search history because that would be mortifying and might reveal something mildly incriminating on your part) and you internally slapped yourself for not doing this in the first place. Your search was fruitless, only producing paw pads and while you appreciated and naturally by extension, gushed endlessly at that really fucking cute German terrier, it unfortunately could not quell the wrath of your uterus. At least you know demons don’t wear pads.
After your revelatory toilet trip, you were finally at breakfast although eating proved to be a very hard task when you could feel that toilet paper getting filled way too quickly and were in desperate need of help. Mammon refused to look at you throughout the duration of breakfast, turning a rosy red whenever he made eye contact and although you wanted to tease him for it, you were simply too preoccupied and antsy.
“Lucifer, is it okay if I talk to you after breakfast for a bit?” you announced suddenly because fuck tact, you needed your needs addressed now and everyone (with the exception of Beelzebub who kept eating with gusto, bless him) looked at you as if you had just gutted a pig on the table—these metaphors are getting more and more bloody but it adds consistency to the theme of your angry uterus.
Asmodeus was the first one to break the silence with a simpering smile. “Oh~? [Name] wants to see Lucifer alone does she? How bold!” he tittered to himself and you resisted the urge to strangle him because the fucker would definitely enjoy it.
“I must say,” Satan joins in because of course he does, and with that damn smile too, “this is rather curious indeed.”
You sighed, gripping the table’s leg from your corner and for a moment, you wondered if you would spontaneously snap it alongside Satan’s neck. “No need for commentary, I just need to discuss some human stuff, with him.”
Leviathan muttered, “More like normie stuff, lol” under his breath and your lips upturned into a taut smile. You swear you’re usually more tolerant but ever since you were literally kidnapped and coerced into joining this exchange program for an entirely different species, let’s say you’ve become a bit of a cynic.
Lucifer narrowed his eyes at you as if you had just failed the end of year exams and for his information, he is an asshole that can suck on your A+ papers. Still, you kept your cool, let yourself be scrutinised like a rabid test subject gone feral before he put on that usual devious smile.
“Very well, after all the exchange program is about familiarising ourselves with our neighbours. Whatever ‘human stuff’, you have to say I’d be more than happy to listen to.” He didn’t use quotation marks around ‘human stuff,’ but you could definitely hear it, if that infuriating smile was anything to go by. “We plan to accommodate you to the best of our ability after all.”
Lucifer always spoke with eloquence and poise, the type that demands attention and holds authority in each syllable, as if he were speaking in rhythmic iambic metres that lull you in and ensnare you in a treacherous hold. AKA, the snobby kid from rich boy schools that wore fancy blazers and at least 8 different pins on their chest. The type of opponent that you despised and were all the more determined to squash with your shoe in debating. Still, you held your tongue and placidly sat in discomfort as you slowly waited for everyone else to finish breakfast and leave.
When the two of you were finally alone at the dining table, you slowly rose, wincing at the stomach pains starting to kick in, something that did not go unnoticed by Lucifer as you grimaced. Should you tell him the truth right now? Or should you make up an excuse first and—dammit. You could see Mammon’s white fluff of hair from the corner of your eye. Well, time to put your bullshitting debating skills to work then.
“I need to go to the human world, I’m getting stomach pains and I’d like to go to a drugstore to get something for them.” Nice and direct, hopefully he’ll bite the bait.
Lucifer watched you with a calculated and measured gaze. “That won’t be necessary,” he started before rising to his feet before walking ominously towards you, the heel of his polished shoes clacking. Ordinarily you would do the same but less walking meant less of a chance of blood spilling onto something that wasn’t toilet paper. “I’m sure we can provide you with the medicine that you need for stomach pain relief, I am acquaintances with some witches who are well versed in herbal remedies that I can affirm are quite effective.”
Lucifer spoke lowly before he was right in front of you, looming over your smaller human stature. Trying to intimidate you was he? You stood up straighter and held his gaze with equal determination. “I’m sure their remedies are effective but the composition of human and demon bodies are inherently different. I might have something serious that these witches might not have encountered before. Thus, they might not have a suitable countermeasure for human illnesses. After all, you haven’t had any other humans come here right?”
Lucifer’s lip twitched at your defiance but he would not back down, he smiled something that was slick as oil. “That may be, but they are very capable. Not all demon compositions are the same after all, they are very knowledgeable and well informed of all species, I’m certain that they will be more reliable than your human doctors which I hear are often prone to human error.” This time, his mesmerising ruby eyes glowed ominously, it demanded: ‘Enough of your nonsense. Submit.’
Now in debating, you’re not supposed to get personal and because of your good sportsmanship, you always stood by that.
However, blood had already been spilled on the battlefield and was about to spill onto the floor if you didn’t hurry this exchange up so to hell with etiquette.
You slammed your hand down on the dining table, surprising Lucifer enough so that his luminous crimson eyes lost their shine as you scowled something fierce. “Alright, enough of this. If you don’t take me to a goddamn drugstore down in the human world, I’m throwing blood on this floor and trust me when I say it’s going to be much darker than your lovely red carpet.” You gesticulated in annoyance, not giving Lucifer time to register his disgust as a wry smile fell on your lips. “You’ll then have the very difficult task of explaining to Diavolo why the human is throwing a bitch fit because she wasn’t provided with the necessities to live comfortably in your mansion. This is no longer a request.”
With an indomitable resolve that would make hardened mothers and six headed beasts cry, you stared Lucifer down with the foulest lour you could muster.
“Take me to the human world. NOW.”
Your voice seemed to echo in the halls of the House of Lamentation, you wondered if the spirits that may have cursed the place were moaning in fear. You fucking hope so. Lucifer’s shock morphed into anger, he seemed indignant for a moment before he settled on livid silence. You saw hellfire in his eyes, you could almost feel his heated gaze scorching you. Unfortunately for him, playing with hellfire is much preferred to going without pads for a week so you puffed your chest out, steeling yourself and held your ground.
After beats of silence, Lucifer quietly sighed and you had to stop the triumphant cheer that wanted to erupt from your chest and holler into his face. “Very well,” he relented through gritted teeth as he offered a tight smile. “We’ll leave after RAD, we’ll be late at this rate so let’s--”
“Didn’t you hear me? We’re leaving now.”
Lucifer’s eye twitched and he could almost feel his nails becoming claws that might rip through his gloves but before he had the chance to release his fury, you had already scampered off, mentioning something about the toilet. Lucifer sighed again, rubbing his temples. It seemed that this human had a lot more of an obvious bite than Solomon. Although he appreciated your bravery, he simply can’t have people disobeying him. Still, he supposed it was his responsibility to maintain your health… which he had apparently failed to do.
He felt his body burn in shame at the idea of failing a task allocated by Diavolo. A painful wince drawn by needles ripped across his face. You hadn’t even been here for a month and he had already messed up? What could have possibly given you a stomach ache so severe that blood was involved? That you were adamant could only be fixed by human medication? He had checked your dietary requirements so surely the food in Devildom wasn’t the issue. What if you had been exposed to something dangerous? A curse? No human medicine would be able to cure that.
While Lucifer was steadily coming up with theories that seemed to only conclude in death, he didn’t notice a white tuft of hair slinking away from the shadows.
Mammon slammed his hands down on the table.
“[Name] is pregnant.”
Both Beelzebub and Leviathan looked up but after a brief moment, Beelzebub just returned to his rather delectable sandwich that Mammon couldn’t help eyeing himself. Meanwhile, Leviathan was sulking, sinking deeper and deeper into the chair that his back was almost completely parallel to the seat. Rather than focusing on the very important catastrophe that Mammon had brought their attention to, Leviathan was instead lamenting and subsequently mourning over the loss of a raid that would have earned him double experience had the online RAD learning system not crashed.
He channelled this disdain into his favourite conductor for disaster, grumbling, “Mammon, you’re being stupid again, can you not? I’m too pissed off about missing my raid to get involved in your convoluted schemes.” Leviathan rolled his eyes at whatever squawking Mammon was doing. Quite frankly, Mammon was thoroughly appalled by the lack of reaction of this world shattering news he had graciously told them!
“It ain’t convoluted, we’ve got a serious situation here Levi!” Mammon aggressively slammed his fist onto the desk, trying not to focus on how it actually stung a little before frowning at the two of them. “I heard it from Lucifer and [Name]’s conversation in the mornin’! She said she’s getting stomach pains and mentioned something about blood!”
Before Mammon could continue his line of thought, Beelzebub burped loudly, licking his lips in delight as he smiled lethargically. “Maybe she just had too much eat.”
Mammon scoffed in disgust, holding his hand over his nose at the stench while Leviathan cringed, sliding deeper into the seat until his was almost under the table. “No you dummy! Didn’t you hear what I just said about the blood!? Also you need breath mints or somethin’ I’m about to pass out!” Mammon said as he tried to wave off the odour with a vigorous hand but Beelzebub only shrugged as he pulled out his fourth lunch.
Mammon grimaced, unable to believe that none of them were taking this seriously and he made sure to announce it too. “I can’t believe you guys! It’s not just the stomach pains, [Name] asked me before breakfast if I-I,” Mammon trailed off as he recalled the morning with embarrassment, looking away as he felt his neck crawl with heat, earning a curious quirk of the brow from Leviathan as he timidly continued, “Sh-she asked me if I had sex or ever got another demon pregnant before.”
After what felt like a million years of silence, Mammon cringed, snarling at his two brothers, “Well say something you--!”
His words got caught in his throat and felt anger course through him to see Leviathan’s look of severe revulsion. The Avatar of Envy looked very well like he was about to gag on his own toe and barf up acidic bile. Beelzebub stared sadly at his spider eggs and goose meat sandwich. He looked like he had just witnessed a child being murdered in front of his eyes.
“I… I’ve lost my appetite.”
Mammon and Leviathan stared at him in horror. Things could get ugly, if something wasn’t done soon the Avatar of Gluttony may very well start Armageddon and throw the world into chaos. After the longest three seconds in history, Beelzebub beamed cheerily again (and everlasting peace was subsequently restored to the universe, the power this man holds). “Ah! It’s back!” – cue loud munching. Both Mammon and Leviathan let out a sigh of relief that neither of them realised they were holding.
Leviathan then shook his head before eyeing Mammon as if he were a cockroach on the sidewalk. The natural reaction was to shiver violently at the thought before scowling. “Mammon, could you not share your perverted fantasies with us?” he growled, earning another squawk from him.
“I’m not making it up! Seriously, we’ve made pacts with her! It’s our responsibility to find the bastard that got her pregnant and kill him! Destroy him! Break his legs so badly that he can never walk again!” Mammon started ranting furiously, his ways of torturing the said ‘bastard’ becoming more and more violent. Leviathan looked on, unimpressed although he himself couldn’t help a hint of jealously bubbling within him. Still, it would be much more fun to point out Mammon’s instead but before he could—
The closet door slammed open and Asmodeus emerged like a butterfly from a cocoon whose mission in life was to fuel the hellfire that would consume the world into flames and burn it to ashes. He smiled. Leviathan and Mammon screamed. Beelzebub choked on his delicious sandwich.
“[Name] got impregnated? Seriously!? Awww, I wanted to be the first to do it with a human~!”
None of them had the heart to ask why Asmodeus was in the closet, nor who the poor sucker that was probably tied up, bound and ravished to near death on the other side was. They pretended not to hear the muffled cries or rattling from the closet door that Asmodeus had locked (no one thought to ask why he had the keys because who else would have keys to the storeroom closet?) and Mammon bitterly concluded after abruptly adjourning the meeting that he hated everyone in Devildom.
.
.
Except… maybe you, but don’t tell anyone that!
(also he is absolutely planning on killing the fucker that got you pregnant when he finds them)
You never thought you’d be so happy to see Priceline again. You missed their clusterfuck of nail polishes just sitting out in the open. Maybe you should consider getting some since it would seem that everyone in the House of Lamentation had their nails painted except you and you hated feeling left out.
Long story short, Lucifer took you to some fancy portal that only a few select individuals can access (him included of course) due to a certain demon’s problematic shenanigans that only resulted in disaster whenever they visited the human world (Mammon… of course).
Lucifer had taken you to your local shopping centre, expecting you to visit the GP but nearly had a heart attack to see you stride in through the automatic doors instead as he briskly followed you inside.
“Where are you going? I thought you had a serious illness, should it not be diagnosed by a human doctor?” Lucifer asked, surprised by your fast pace as you entered a store. You looked behind you with narrowed eyes, as if he were an insect. Like an earwig. Lucifer resisted the urge to obliterate Diavolo’s exchange program into shambles.
“Listen Lucifer,” you started before waving your hand dismissively at him and Lucifer entertained the thought of biting it off. Alas, his pride would never let him stoop so low. “Just trust me on this, now get a basket.” Lucifer felt his nostrils flare. No one orders him around. In spite of this rage, it was temporarily buried under his confusion.
“A basket? Aren’t we just here for medicine?” he asked although you didn’t bother listening, searching through the aisles before strutting down one and Lucifer had to stop the red from flooding his vision. How dare a mere human ignore him, he was the most powerful demon right next to Diavolo in Devildom. The absolute gall you had--!
Completely unaware of the impending danger that you had placed yourself in, you took a purple pack, examining it with relief. “Aight, I need nights, this is a ten pack. I go through maybe two a month so times twelve… Okay I need three of these--” you say, taking another two from the shelf and just as you were about to dump them into a basket, you stopped, seeing no basket to dump them into. Instead, you saw a livid Lucifer who looked ready to start World War III. You blinked. Then you frowned in disappointment. That expression of his could barely contain his own anger, there’s no way it was going to hold any pads. You glanced behind him but to no avail.
“Where’s the basket? You had one job. God, men are useless.” You sighed, shaking your head as if you were scolding a child. You swore you could hear lightning strike. “Well whatever, you’re my new basket. Hold these!” you admonished him before thrusting the packets into his arms and he started sputtering but you ignored it, musing to yourself as you perused through the shelves.
“Oooh, I need daytime ones too, these are twelve packs and I go through about five per month so, I’ll need five of these! Ah, I need some thin ones too, this is a fifteen pack… alrighty then, I’ll get two of these!”
Lucifer could barely keep up with your ramblings and calculations as you shoved more of these strange packets into his arms. At last, he’s finally had it as he angrily planted his foot into the ground and may have accidentally released some of his power with that step because his coat flared out from behind him. He tried to ignore the fact it looked like he was throwing a tantrum. You grimaced to see his eyes go a bright crimson red and you just hoped nobody was around.
“Enough of this. You demanded to be taken to the human world so you could receive manmade medicine. You have not done that, nor have you seen a general practitioner. You haven’t listened to a single thing I’ve said, nor have you explained anything that you’re doing. Instead, you’ve just dragged me along to this garishly coloured store and started thrusting,” Lucifer paused in the middle of his rant to inspect one of the packets you had given him although he wasn’t coming up with any apt words to describe them, “Whatever this is.”
You coaxingly threw your hands up in surrender, if not slightly miffed by his outburst, only fuelling his anger more. He did not need to be cajoled like a child, what he needed was an explanation.
You felt yourself become even more tired but for the sake of keeping your head, you tried not to let your annoyance leak into your voice but there was a very probable chance of 98% that you failed on that account. “Alright, alright, relax, don’t make a scene yeah? You’re lucky there’s no one around on a Monday morning.” Lucifer scrunched his nose, wanting to retaliate but you instead plucked the night pads he had been holding and officially descended into the black hole of hell.
“Okay, this.” You violently jabbed at the picture of the packet while maintaining scathing eye contact with Lucifer. “Is a pad, which, goes on my underwear. Pads are then used for my uterus, when it bleeds every month.”
For a moment, all you could hear was the fans swaying in a lazy pace above the two of you, otherwise, it was complete silence. The next second, Lucifer entire body jolted and you could almost hear glass shattering.
“You have a chronic illness? An ongoing wound? Why would you withhold such information? There wasn’t anything in your medical records--”
As endearing as it was to see the Avatar of Pride be lost in a sporadic frenzy of ramblings and perplexities, your very unreliable toilet paper was filling fast.
“Stop, stop, stop,” you say as you throw up your hands, abruptly putting a halt to his string of worries as he looked at you incredulously. You sighed and you could almost feel your period push out a bit more with it. Dammit. You looked up at Lucifer before taking another quick glance around. “Technically, it was on my medical records.”
Lucifer frowned, clearly ready to interject and rebuke the comment before you smiled wryly. “It was right next to sex with a nice big tick when I was identified as a female from birth.” You blinked innocently. Lucifer wanted to choke something for constantly being kept in the dark. So, you continued because outside of the bedroom, choking is not sexy. “Every month, I’m punished for apparently not fulfilling my life’s purpose to procreate via sexual penetration of a penis.”
Your tone was slick with scorching hot lava, you almost felt your throat burning and your stomach seemed to churn in agreement, offended on your behalf as you felt another tug at your gut. You continued scathingly, “So, all that baby making stuff has an expiry date and it’s gotta go once time’s up. Problem is, it has to leave my body in the most disgusting and uncomfortable way possible… out my uterus.” You watched in amusement to see that even the most dignified demon of Devildom could not resist the twinge of his nose to convey a hint of disgust. You were surprised he hadn’t run out of the store screaming yet. Mammon definitely would have. “It happens once every month for a whole week. This is called a menstrual cycle, or ‘being on your period.’ Keeping up so far?”
You had to bite your lips to see Lucifer swallow uncomfortably, as if he were eating sandpaper before nodding numbly (dumbly? Either one fits). He looked slightly constipated. Maybe he was wondering what it’d be like to have a uterus bleed. Good, people should be more empathetic towards periods.
“Now, I don’t really like having this conversation because it’s mentally exhausting educating men.” You were rubbing your temples, your energy drained from you like sewage because you really did feel like crap at this point. You looked at him bitterly. Lucifer couldn’t help the furrowing of his brows. “However, because you literally kidnapped me, not giving me a chance to pack my necessities, I have to. So now, I’m bulk buying because I don’t ever want to come here again. I’d rather stay penniless forever than have this conversation another sss-five times.” You had to catch yourself from saying six because you definitely can’t let Lucifer know that you met Belphegor. However, Lucifer appeared rather uncomfortable and particularly guilt ridden, too preoccupied to notice your blunder as his lips slowly twitched downwards. You could see little wrinkles forming between his brows and if you didn’t know any better, each of his luscious curls loss their buoyancy and drooped a little lower. Shit.
Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride and the strongest demon in Devildom, stood before you, looking like a kicked puppy with his tail timidly tucked between his legs.
“I-I see,” Lucifer stammered. Lucifer never stammers. He guiltily averted his gaze. You felt like the world was ending. He looked back at you, remorseful. “Are there any other symptoms that I should know about?”
You grimaced. He was already beating himself up over it (and if there’s anything you learned from observing Mammon and Lucifer, it was that Lucifer beats hard), you didn’t want to make him feel worse. However, you also knew that he would be more upset by you coddling him so you just lay the cards out on the table.
“Aight, it’s different for everyone but general discomfort and mood swings because who wouldn’t be pissy after sitting in their blood for five days? Uhh, stomach aches, bloating, cramps, can mess with your sleep, general body aches, you can get nauseous or headaches depending on how bad it is and prolonged trips to the toilet,” you listed each thing you could think of, counting them on your fingers as Lucifer listened attentively. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he were a student listening to a lecture and you were the professor. You wondered if he was taking good notes. He better be, you’re not explaining this again. “If that’s all, let’s get a move on, toilet paper is not very absorbent and I need some pain relief tablets and heat packs.”
Finally, you turned around and started walking again. Lucifer mumbled under his breath, “Being human is difficult.” You snorted.
“No, being born with a uterus is difficult, and every implication that follows.”
Lucifer tensed at your biting words but followed you diligently, no longer asking questions which you were thankful for, although a tad worried about. Having Lucifer be so silent behind you was kind of like having a lion stop roaring and go quiet. This could only lead to two possible conclusions. Either Lucifer is dead or he is about to make you his next meal. Supposedly humans tasted like pork but you’re not very good at self-maintenance so you’d probably just give him a stomach ache. You swiftly picked up a packet of tablets and headed to the heat packs before the oppressive silence was finally broken.
“We can supply you with heat packs, there’s no need for you to buy them.”
Lucifer seemed a little more composed than before although his lovely locks were still drooping. You raised a sharp brow and lashed your tongue out before you had the thought to rein it in, “Lucifer this heat pack is going straight onto my gut. I don’t exactly feel like sharing.” You winced at the jagged tone that came out harsher than expected. You’ve been bleeding onto a toilet paper for at least two hours, getting more and more anxious about the state of your underwear since you’re 90% sure you’ve leaked through them so can he blame you for being snippy? Still, you only really felt the sting after you saw Lucifer look chagrined as he cleared his throat.
“I-I mean,” shit, he stammered again, “I’ll provide you with a special heat pack. I took a look at your human ones and they’re quite inefficient. Heat is a well valued resource in Devildom and we often sustain it through the means of magic. I’m sure you’ll find it satisfactory concerning your needs,” he clarified stiffly and formally. You blinked up at him, a gnawing guilt jabbing your stomach. Lucifer’s expression began to shift under your gaze but before he could say anything else, you beamed at him.
“Sounds good! Well, I don’t need anything else so let’s go to the counter!”
You skipped past him and Lucifer let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding before obediently following you, still carrying your pads. He had noticed a few people in the store giving him strange looks but he promptly ignored them, the heels of his shoes clacked with each pronounced step as he approached the counter. You greeted the cashier amicably, gesturing him to place down the packets. He noticed the lady on the other side give him a surprised look but once again, he paid no heed.
You, on the other hand, appeared alarmed as you laughed nervously. “Ahh, I’m going on a yearlong trip, out of the country! I’m bulk buying now so I won’t have to face the language barrier when it comes to, these sort of things, you know what I mean?” you explained it with such a natural expression as you eased into the conversation, Lucifer was both impressed yet unnerved by your innate ability to lie, as if it were easier than breathing. Still, he admired your cheerful countenance, it was as if you had emerged from a blistering storm and he watched how you seemed to melt under the clinical lights that cast a golden hue on you.
“Ahh, don’t worry, I gotcha. How exciting, I wish I could get away!” the lady from the counter seemed to sing back. Lucifer briefly wondered what she had to be so cheerful about in a drugstore. “Would you like a bag with that?”
“Yes please,” you answered back, already reaching for your wallet.
“Alright, that will be--”
You looked up just as you brought out your human credit card (which ironically had more money than your Devildom one), wondering why she had stopped midway until you saw Lucifer gingerly holding his own card between his index and middle finger with poise. The lady at the counter must have thought the apocalypse started because she looked ready to bolt, anything to get away from his piercing ruby gaze.
“I’m sorry, are you planning on using these too? Honey I don’t think they’re quite your size and I don’t particularly like sharing.” Lucifer bristled as he glowered down at you from the corner of his eye but you deadpanned in return, “why are you paying?”
After insisting the cashier take it, Lucifer sighed as he turned to you with a penitent expression. “[Name], we took you away unexpectedly and it was as you said, had you been given the adequate time to pack, you would have come prepared. We--” Lucifer choked on his words, as he grimaced, physically pained as he near grumbled (but most definitely didn’t grumble because he is Pride and he always spoke with dignity thank you very much), “I, should have been better informed concerning your needs. Had it not been for my carelessness, it would have saved you from much discomfort. I’m sorry, paying is the least that I can do in compensation.”
For a moment, you stood there, and the world turned white.
Lucifer had ducked his head, unable to meet your eyes. It was, surreal. The scariest person you had ever met suddenly looked fragile, almost vulnerable. It shouldn’t move you so much. You shouldn’t feel your eyes burn a little or the burst of warmth that sent shivers down your spine. Yet, you felt them all anyway. Like a feather on translucent glass, you gently combed your fingers through his hair. Lucifer immediately stiffened and stared at you as if you were crazy. You think you might be. So you smiled.
“What are you looking so down for? It’s not as if it’s a pre-requisite for you to know these things. Still, the fact that you took the time to listen, learn, understand and even feel bad about it, makes me much happier than I’d like to admit. Thank you, for all you’ve done, you were a big help today.”
You gave his hair a few more pets, memorising how his soft strands tickled your fingers, mesmerised by the sensation of how really well maintained hair felt like (you wish you could relate) before you (reluctantly) withdrew your hand. Even though his hair was now dishevelled from your interference, it seemed to shine brighter, no longer droopy. And then you stopped breathing.
There, high on Lucifer’s cheeks, was the softest shade of pink that reminded you of cherry blossoms.
Lucifer had really beautiful skin and you envied it callously, enough to rival Leviathan for his position. You heard how Lucifer was the most beautiful angel back in the Celestial Realm, how he was the very embodiment purity. How cascades of light would spiral around him, gravitating towards his ethereal presence. He was mesmerising, he seemed to draw all eyes towards him. He was alluring, like the Forbidden Fruit that would seduce spectators from afar, he was temptation and every implication that followed. He was transcendent. He was grace.
Well technically, he fell from grace but it’s hard to even consider that when he was so beautiful. Besides, if falling from grace was trading in your church clothes to a Victorian Era goth you can’t say that you weren’t a little turned on. You loved men in formal clothing after all. If you had to think of a modern day counterpart, you’d think of Snow White. His skin really was as white as snow, yet it didn’t feel nearly as cold. No, Lucifer was always burning bright. His hair might have been as dark as ebony and with eyes that were as red as blood, he seemed too whimsical, magically incongruous to your plain world.
You found yourself enraptured.
Lucifer who had been caught under your rather enthralled gaze, swallowed thickly as the blush riding high on his cheeks deepened from a soft baby pink to a scarlet rose. He bashfully pulled at his collar and for once, was at a loss for words.
“You’re staring,” he noted as if it weren’t obvious.
“I can’t help it, you’re captivating,” you say as if it were obvious and Lucifer colours prettily at your words. You think you might have a stroke.
After a moment you felt yourself turn red with embarrassment as you quickly turned to the counter lady whose eyes had glazed over and was clearly holding herself back from gushing over the most dramatic soap opera spectacle that just played out in front of her because of fucking periods. “I-I’m so sorry you had to see that, uh,” you fumbled over your words, any evidence of your elegance had been promptly destroyed and all that was left at the crime scene was a bumbling fool. Lucifer felt oddly endeared. “This guy and a couple of his friends just decided to whisk me away for a yearlong ride, haha, he’s a bit stuck up,” you managed out and resisted the urge to snicker at the sharp scowl Lucifer threw your way as your lips pulled into a sunny smile. “But I like the way he dresses and how understanding he is.”
Lucifer blinked curiously before he looked away again, harrumphing as he hoped to hide the heat prickling at his ears.
“No, no, no, it’s quite alright, really!” the cashier gushed as she put the packets into a bag now eagerly enthused and energised upon returning Lucifer’s card (who grabbed it wordlessly, still a little embarrassed about how shamelessly they were acting). She beamed at you and you imagined her being the lonely type who latched on to any conversation that she could have the chance to be in. You decided that you liked her. “You have a lovely boyfriend, it’s not every day I see someone being so earnest about this kind of thing! Gosh, I just get tired when I think about my boyfriend, he actually thought the pad goes on the,” she paused to gesticulate to the lower regions and Lucifer was about to protest to being referred to as your boyfriend but he was interrupted as you burst out laughing, grabbing his arm for support in the process.
If Lucifer had to be honest, you were definitely being improper and too rambunctious as you were both getting curious stares from the other patrons. But, if he had to be, brutally honest, he didn’t particularly care because your laughter had brought vivacity into this garish store. Even if it was obnoxious, Lucifer decided that it wasn’t necessarily a bad sound.
You wheezed as you finally let go of Lucifer’s arm, the cashier lady giggling with you as you shook your head. “Oh my god, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. God, men are idiots.”
The lady held out your bag but before you could reach it, Lucifer had snatched it away with spite, now thoroughly unamused as his face went stone cold. You openly gaped at him as the lady bit her lip. “Well, not all of them.” She smiled knowingly.
You glanced at her and with a soft laugh, you concurred. “You’re absolutely right.”
Lucifer rose a brow but you had already thanked the cashier lady as you dragged him along by the arm, positively buoyant as a little bounce was added to each reinvigorated step. Lucifer let you pull him along by like a ragdoll and although the image of being treated as such initially repulses him, for some reason when it came to you, at least for this little outing and considering your current circumstances, he would let it go.
He had noted something else which was far more important. Talking about these, ‘periods’, seem to be somewhat taboo, particularly in front of men as he recalled how the two of you referred to it as a ‘kind of thing’. Furthermore, he determined that from all the odd looks he received, it would seem that not only are men expected to not be well versed in this topic, but they supposedly refuse to engage with it entirely. Lucifer couldn’t help but feel a sense of discomfort at the idea of you being so grateful of him simply acknowledging your predicament. He made a mental note to inform Diavolo of these rather disappointing findings later.
“I’m your boyfriend now, am I?” he deadpanned. He’ll think about the report later, first of all he has to actually get you to stop pulling him around.
You shrugged playfully. “How else is she supposed to have interpreted ‘took you away’ hmm? If it’s a yearlong trip, you’re either my kidnapper or my boyfriend.” Lucifer rolled his eyes but you could see a hint of a smile crawling to his lips. Good, he seems to be in a much better mood than before. A mischievous grin took over and Lucifer saw it much too frequently on his own brothers’ faces when they intended to torment him in some way.
“Hey Lucifer, I’m kind of craving human food, is it okay if we get dumplings?” you asked with a childish glint in your eye. Lucifer was bitterly aware and immune to such tactics considering he’s already looking after six man children.
“No. We have food at home.” Ah, typical parent response.
You hummed and Lucifer thought it sounded rather ominous. “Hmm, I know you’re a sadist but do you really like seeing me be in pain? You do know how much comfort food can bring… don’t you?” you trailed off, coyly twirling a strand of hair that Lucifer want to cut off. He rolled his eyes and sighed. From the corner of his eye he saw your lip twitch upward.
“Fine, lead the waaaay--!” Lucifer nearly yelled as he lurched forward when you suddenly linked arms with him once more and briskly started walking, chattering excitedly.
“Yes~! You’re the best Lucifer! I know a really good place that I always went to with my friends, plus they have a toilet which I really need. Ooh, can we also get bubble tea while we’re at it and oh my god, I’m lowkey craving a mcflurry and--”
Lucifer listened to you ramble on about different foods or general things you used to do with your friends at the shopping centre. You had disrespected him, confounded him, scolded him, thanked him and were now using him for your own benefit. You had guts, he’ll give you that. You were a wild card, a hurricane that destroyed everything in your path, although it was never with unbridled rage but tactical blows. You were dangerous and cunning. Still, Lucifer found it too hard to admit, his pride would simply not allow it, but he was a little, charmed by you. You showed vigour and wit. You were challenging yet introspective. Cynical but kind. Although Lucifer had not been thrilled with the prospect of taking you under his care, he couldn’t help the bubble of interest that coiled around him whenever you were around.
It would appear the exchange student was something similar to a crashing meteorite.
Although you’ve made a mess, he can’t help but admire the sporadic and fiery beauty you held.
By the time you had returned to the House of Lamentation with a pad now uncomfortably seated between your legs as it should have been all along, you were surprised to be met with absolute chaos the moment you stepped through the doors.
“[NAME]!”
Lucifer promptly sidestepped as he watched Mammon rugby tackle you into an iron clutch as he shook you violently. “TELL ME WHO THE BASTARD WAS THAT GOT YA PREGNANT?! I’LL KILL ‘EM!”
You shuddered to suddenly feel Beelzebub sniffing your neck on your left side. “You smell good, like dumplings. Did you get some without me?” he whispered ominously into your ear. You felt like this was a red flag and your death was fast approaching.
“Geez!” Leviathan moaned as he latched onto your right arm with a furious expression. “You went to the human world without telling me?! Don’t you know that Ruri-chan’s seasonal figurine is out right now!? I have so much merch that I needed you to get, how could you do this to me--”
You frantically looked for Lucifer, hoping he could get you out of this life-threatening situation but your heart sunk and crashed harder than the Titanic. In true snobby, Harvard fashion, Lucifer smirked insidiously as his eyes did that scary half-lidded thing it does when he’s threatening someone before he threw his nose into the air and sashayed off with your bag of necessities still held captive in his clutch. You wanted to say Lucifer is the ugliest piece of shit that you’ve ever seen, but that would be an even bigger lie than Jack and Rose’s love. And where did their love get them anyway? Dead.
You decided to revise every positive thing that you thought about Lucifer in your time together and you came to a succinct assessment of his character.
He’s an asshole.
Section 1. Subsection 2. Paragraph 4.
[LAST NAME], CJ.
“Maybe not all men idiots... It’s just that some men, are fucking, assholes.”
AMENDED.