Archive of Our Own

It happens in the night. An assassin, probably hired by some old-school pissed off aristocrat, breaks into Ozai's cell, and slits his throat. The reaction is mixed: some are glad that the world is finally free of him, but others agree with the Avatar's choice to keep him alive. Nevertheless, the news spreads like wildfire, reaching the Southern Water Tribe within days.

Unlike the rest of the world, Sokka doesn't immediately form an opinion on Ozai. What he's primarily concerned about is Zuko, all alone in the Fire Nation. He hadn't wanted to leave, he wanted to spend some time with his friends when there wasn't a war going on. But Aang had Avatar duties, Katara wanted to accompany him, Toph wanted to reach out to her parents, Suki had new Kyoshi Warriors to train, and Hakoda had just been named chief, making Sokka next in line. The gang dispersed, spreading out across the map as they once had been. Still, Sokka worries. 

And now Ozai is dead. He knows that Zuko should be rejoicing, that he wanted Ozai dead a long time ago. Instead, Sokka's nervous for him. He was all alone at Caldera, no friends to support him, and what if someone wants to take him out, too? So he ignores his father's pleas to wait for Katara and Aang to return and sails as fast as he can to the Fire Nation.

-

"You didn't kill him?" Zuko stares at Aang in horror. They had been celebrating, exchanging warm embraces and relishing in the fact that they'd won and they were safe. Then, Zuko noticed that this father was chained up in the background, still breathing. 

"No," Aang responds firmly, almost confidently. "I didn't kill him."

Zuko's mouth drops open slightly. He looks like Aang has somehow betrayed him. "Do you realize what you've done?"

Katara places a hand on Zuko's arm, trying to be comforting. "Zuko, he was just trying to--"

"No," Zuko rips his arm away and shakes his head. He makes for Ozai before anyone can stop him, fire ready in his palm. 

"Come to return the favor?" Ozai growls. He looks pathetic, defeated. Zuko wonders if he looked like that when he was thirteen, crying and begging for his father's mercy.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now," Zuko raises his hand threateningly, the flame growing to a point where it's almost out of control.

"I can't. You absolutely should. But you're too big of a coward. Weak, disgusting, a failure like you've always been. You couldn't even get the Avatar to kill me for you."

Zuko shouts and goes to set the fire upon his father, but it gets blown out. He wheels around to face Aang, rage burning in his chest. "Don't try to stop me!"

Aang looks calmer than he's ever been. "I can't let you take a life."

"Feel that anger, my son?" Ozai sneers from behind him. "That rage? That desire to set the world on fire? That's my blood in you, and the blood of your forefathers. That's the Fire Lord in your veins."

-

Zuko shakes the memory from his head. When he opens his eyes, he expects the sages to be gathered in front of him, as they had been before he started thinking about that moment. Instead, he sees an empty room. He tries to think back, tries to remember how the meeting had ended, but he can't. He's had these moments before, lapses of memory. They're beginning to happen more frequently now.

"Fire Lord Zuko?" 

Zuko startles-- he hadn't seen the guard enter the room. "Yes?"

"Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe is here to see you."

Zuko feels his face go red. He hasn't seen Sokka, or any of the gang for the matter, since his coronation. He honestly didn't expect any of them to come-- why would they, after all? It's not like they're going to attend Ozai's funeral. But even that wasn't for a few more days, so why was Sokka here now? Maybe it was a political thing, maybe Zuko had done something wrong. He wouldn't put it past himself. Already, he's had dozens of missteps that nearly ended in disaster, not helped by the fact that his advisors despise him. He probably messed up while signing a treaty or something, and Sokka was here to correct it.

"Sir?" Zuko had forgotten that the guard was awaiting a response.

"Right, send him in," He says, waving a hand.

The guard exits, then returns with Sokka. He's a little older now, taller, broader in the shoulders. Zuko feels like he probably looks like he's gotten smaller, as if he's drowning in his mourning regalia. He walks in slow and nervous, which Zuko understands. He's sitting in Ozai's chair, in Ozai's clothes, looking down at him through a line of fire, just like Ozai did. He must look like a younger Ozai if he had a scar over his eye. The though alone makes Zuko want to rip his hair out.

"Sokka," Zuko says by way of greeting.

"Fire Lord Zuko," Sokka bows, which is traditional, but it makes Zuko cringe.

"Don't--" He stutters as he puts out the flames in front of him. He can't look down on his friend like this. "Don't call me that. Please."

Sokka stands up straight. "Zuko."

Zuko wants to run to him, to forget all sense of tradition and pretense and just hug his friend. But they're older now, and he can't. He has to think about what people would say. "W-what brings you to Caldera?" He hates that he can't get a word out properly, but with every second that passes, he becomes more uncomfortable, like his headpiece is digging into his skull.

Sokka frowns. "Zuko... your father died."

Zuko inhales sharply, his entire body tensing. "The funeral isn't for another three days." 

"I..." Sokka looks around the room, seemingly unsure of what to say. "I know, I just wanted to be here. For you. Because we're friends."

Zuko tries not to show his surprise. After everything, he didn't expect any of them to want to be his friend. Their relationship was transactional: Zuko helped Aang learn firebending so they could defeat Ozai, and once that was done, there was no need for any further communication. He shouldn't be their friend. Their political ally, sure, but that didn't mean that they had to come visit him. He didn't think that they would want to.

"Zuko?" Sokka looks concerned. He's done it again, zoned out for an unknown amount of time. He wonders how long Sokka has been standing there, watching. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," A headache washes over him, causing his temples to start throbbing. This is a new development, too. "Suki can show you to your quarters."

-

Something's off about Zuko, Sokka knows it. He knows it because of how well he knows Zuko: he's always focused, every action is planned, every sentence is carefully strung together. But now, he seems disoriented, like he's not quite checked in with reality. Sokka's gut reaction is to run up to him and ask him what's wrong, but he knows that that'll only scare him away.

Sokka's still thinking about his plan of action when Suki comes running down the hall, her Kyoshi boots clacking on the marble.

"Suki!" He tries to shake the worry from his mind as Suki leaps into his arms. He drops his head onto her shoulder, breathing in her scent and touched. He'd missed it while he was away. 

"Sokka!" Suki releases Sokka from the embrace, but keeps him close to her. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," Sokka admits. "I'm kind of worried about Zuko."

Suki sighs and directs her gaze to the ground, her arms dropping from his sides. "We all are. I don't think he's slept a wink since his father died. He keeps zoning out, he isn't eating, he gets these terrible headaches... but he looks at me like I'm crazy when I ask if he's okay. I don't know what's going on." 

Sokka is half glad that his worry is justified, and half disappointed that there actually is something wrong. "Do you think it's about his dad? I mean, he can't be too upset. He did try to kill him that one time."

Suki nods, remembering the incident. She has that melancholic look on her face that Sokka has seen too many times. "It's... it's complicated, I think, Sokka."

"Complicated how?" Sokka throws his hands up. "Ozai was the worst, and I mean literally. We should be throwing a party, not wearing white!"

"Don't say that!" Suki says quickly, putting a hand over Sokka's mouth. He makes a muffled sound. "You don't want people hearing you say that sort of thing, okay?" She says in a harsh whisper. "Some of Ozai's supporters are still around." She slowly draws her hand away from Sokka's mouth. He opens it to say something, but she raises her hand threateningly. "Listen, Zuko didn't get a hero's welcome home like the rest of you did. A lot of people think he should be put to death for treason."

Sokka's jaw dropped. "Treason?"

"As awful as the war was, it was great for the Fire Nation. People think Zuko betrayed his country." Sokka opens his mouth to respond, but Suki interrupts him. "Take my word for it, alright? It's complicated."

"Fine."

-

Sokka sits in the grand dining room for over an hour, waiting for Zuko to show up. 

"Sokka, I told you, he hasn't shown up for dinner since Ozai died," Suki takes Zuko's place at the table, removing her gloves. She plucks a piece of food off the plate and pops it into her mouth.

"I thought I would at least try," Sokka grumbles as he stands up from the table. His food remains uneaten and he can feel his stomach starting to rumble. He takes his plate of mostly cold food and heads toward the exit.

Suki spins around in her chair as he passes her. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to go force-feed the Fire Lord."

-

Zuko has so much to do-- too much to do. He's aware that it's technically mealtime, and that he hasn't eaten all day, but the funeral is in three days and he still has things to arrange. He's also aware that he looks a mess: his eyes are red-rimmed with dark circles under them, his hair is falling out of his topknot, and he's swimming in his mourning robes. He's beginning to despise the color white. The Fire Sages have been all over him, making sure he's wearing the proper clothing and not breaking the grieving process. There isn't supposed to be any celebrations in the Fire Nation for thirty days, and he's supposed to wear white for three months. This morning, he'd nearly broken his mirror after his valet dressed him. He hated his reflection, hated how the white of his robes made his scar look even redder. And he would have to wear them for three months.

He jumps when there's a knock on the doorframe. He's expecting it to be a sage, there to remind him that he'd forgotten some minuscule detail for the funeral. Instead, it's Sokka, plate of food in hand. Shit, he wanted to meet for dinner and Zuko completely blew him off. 

"Sokka," His face burns red as he begins to suddenly feel insecure about his disheveled appearance. He expects Sokka to yell at him for skipping their dinner date, but instead, he just sits in the chair across from his desk, setting the plate of food down in front of him. He props his feet up on the edge and stares at Zuko with intent. "Can I help you?"

"Yes," Sokka's studying every inch of his face, Zuko can feel it. It makes him want to rip off his face and get a new one. "You weren't at dinner."

"Oh," Zuko ducks his head in shame. "Yes. I apologize. I've been very busy, and--"

"Eat," Sokka interrupts. Zuko looks up at him, confused at the outburst. There's a hint of concern in his eyes.

"I'm sorry?"

Sokka reaches over and takes the parchment Zuko's been writing on, pushing the plate into its place. "You must be hungry. Eat."

Zuko is hungry, but he's also overwhelmingly nauseous. The headache is returning, beginning in his temples as it always does. There's also the thousands of things he has to do before he can even think about breaking to eat. "I'm busy, Sokka."

Sokka leans back and crosses his arms. "Fine, but I'm not leaving until you eat something."

Zuko rolls his eyes. He doesn't anticipate for Sokka to hold up his end of the bargain; with his impatience, he'll be gone within in minutes. He moves the plate back and grabs the parchment Sokka had taken. It's an official notice to King Kuei of Ozai's death. It's dumb, because Kuei definitely already knows, but it's tradition and the Fire Sages wanted him to finish it yesterday. Zuko writes furiously, something about "we are saddened by this tragedy" and "we appreciate your support through this time," but the pounding in his head grows. 

"Fuck," He hisses, dropping his quill. The words in front of him are beginning to blend together and his hands are shaking too much to write.

"Are you alright?" Sokka asks as Zuko begins to rub at his temples.

"Yeah," Zuko's glad that Toph isn't there to call his bluff. His eyes are screwed shut when he hears Sokka stand from his chair. He expects him to leave, but then someone is behind him, taking his hairpiece out. "What are you doing?"

Sokka sets the crown on the desk and runs his fingers through Zuko's hair. Agni, does it feel good. "If you want to keep working, then keep working, but I told you I'm not leaving until you eat."

Zuko keeps his eyes shut, relishing in the feeling of Sokka's hands in his hair. He can feel his headache starting to melt away as Sokka rubs his temples. "Agni, yes," He groans, too distracted to be embarrassed by it.

After a few minutes, Sokka stops. The headache has completely dissipated. He reclaims his seat across the desk and pushes the plate forward, looking at Zuko expectantly. "My payment."

Zuko rolls his eyes, but eats.

-

There's a hand in his hair, pulling his head to the side. Zuko's body has hardly ever moved by its own volition: instead, it is pushed, yanked, coerced. Dragged from one room to the next, propelled from one state of being to another. His mother used to allow him little moments of independence, hiding it in little questions like "where do you want to go?" or "what do you want to do?". Without her, he is nothing more than a body for his father to use, a figurehead that is beaten behind closed doors. He goes where his father tells him to go, says what his father tells him to say, feels what his father tells him to feel. 

It is fitting that it is his father's hand, in this moment where Zuko believes he is going to die. Hopes, rather. Because how else does this end? He would rather die than live the rest of his life deformed and disgraced. There's not much left for him, anyway, besides a life of being pushed and pulled. His mother is gone and she's taken his freedom with her. So he hopes that his father shows mercy and kills him.

He doesn't. He gives Zuko one final push, shoves him onto the ground. He knows that he's screaming because his mouth is open and his throat burns, knows that he's crying because his cheeks are wet and his chest aches. But he can't see, can't hear. For a moment, he think he might die from this injury. The spectators, his family, will watch him bleed out and die slowly. Maybe he'll simply fizzle out.

He blinks, and he's in his office. Sokka is behind him, combing his fingers through his hair. He whispers something, presses a soft kiss to Zuko's neck. He moves up, littering kisses along Zuko's jaw, migrating up to his cheek. They become more intense, almost harsh, and by the time he reaches Zuko's mouth, he's biting at his lips. Zuko can feel himself tense, unsure about the sudden intensity. And then Sokka's hand tightens in Zuko's hair, his mouth is gone, and his head is yanked to right.

-

When Zuko wakes from his nightmare, he can still smell burning flesh.

-

Looking back, it was a little foolish of Sokka to think that a head rub would fix everything. The next morning, Zuko somehow looks even worse for wear. At least he shows up for breakfast, though he looks like he hasn't slept at all. 

"Delivery for Sokka," One of the servants enters and sets a letter on the table. It's sealed with the Water Tribe emblem. Sokka rips it open immediately.

Sokka,

I hope this finds you at Caldera. I'm assuming you're there, after hearing the news about Ozai. Aang and I have changed course to get there the day before the funeral. We're going to pick up Toph on the way. I hope you're holding Zuko together. I think he's going to need you, a lot. Be patient. Listen.

Your loving sister,

Katara.

Sokka tucks the letter into the sash around his waist. He looks up at Zuko, who hasn't touched his food and is staring into space. "Aang and Katara will be here tomorrow."

Zuko blinks away the bleariness in his eyes. "Hmm?"

"Aang. Katara. They'll be here tomorrow."

This time, Zuko's definitely heard him, but Sokka can tell that he didn't process it. "Okay."

Sokka studies his face. He remembers how he'd looked last night, the look in his eye that Sokka had never seen before. "Are you okay?"

"Headache," is Zuko's immediate response.

Sokka remembers the feeling of Zuko's hair slipping through his fingers, remembers the sound of him groaning at his touch. He'd dreamt about it last night. "Do you want me to--"

Zuko flinches with his entire body. "No. No, thank you. I have to--" He stands, pushing back from the table. "I have to go."

-

Zuko is running down the hall, leaving lines of confused servants in his wake.

"Do you want me to..." 

His breaths are becoming shorter, his chest feels tight. He doesn't know where his feet are carrying him, but he knows that he needs to move. He needs to get out, needs to be somewhere where everyone else is not, needs to be away, away, away. He shuts his eyes, and when he opens them, there's two dark and foreboding doors in front of him. 

He should think before opening them, should consider where he is before just walking into the room. Because it's his father's room. His body is already wracked with panic, and now he's faced with the bed that his father used to sleep in, faced with all of his belongings, the way he'd left them before the air fleet departed. Zuko falls back against the door, so hard that it rattles in its frame, and clutches his chest. His heart is slamming against his ribcage so hard he's afraid that it'll burst, and as hard as he tries, he can't draw in a breath. It's not like he wants to, anyway, because it even smells like his father. He knots his hands in his hair and sinks to the floor. Maybe he'll die here, on the floor.

Or maybe he won't. Someone comes in, someone who must've followed him into the room. As soon as they touch him, he flinches like he's been burned.

"Don't touch me!" He yells. His body feels like its on fire, he doesn't need another hand stoking the flame.

The hand jerks back. "Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Zuko opens his eyes to see Sokka in front of him, eyes full of concern. "Leave me alone," He grits. 

Sokka sits back on his heels, puts his hands on his thighs. "You have to breathe, Zuko."

"Leave." Zuko can handle this, he's fine, he's the Fire Lord, he doesn't need someone taking care of him.

"No. You need to calm--"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Zuko moves his hands out to the sides to protect them both from the flames that burst out of his palms. Sokka falls back in stunned silence, then scrambles out the door.

-

Sokka is not sure what the fuck is going on. Last night he was giving Zuko a fucking head massage, now he's not even allowed to touch him. He stumbles out of Ozai's bedroom, slightly terrified of how mad Zuko had become. He hadn't seen the older man that angry since before he switched sides. In fact, if Sokka remembers correctly, there had been a bit of an issue regarding how Zuko wasn't all rageful and revenge-driven anymore, and how that had affected his bending.

He runs into Suki in the hallway. Ty Lee is trailing behind her, looking nervous. "Where the hell is Zuko?"

The fire coming out of Zuko's hands flashes through Sokka's mind. "I don't think you want to bother him right now, Suki."

Suki rolls her eyes. "It's not a matter of bothering him, Sokka, it's a matter of doing our jobs correctly. There's been insurgences everywhere, we need eyes on him at all times."

Sokka furrows his brows. "You think someone's going to try to kill Zuko?"

"It's happened before," Ty Lee responds.

"But we aren't expecting anything, not right now," Suki says quickly, before Sokka can voice his shock and concern. "Where is he?"

Sokka sighs. "Ozai's old bedroom. I think he's having a panic attack, or something. I tried to get him to calm down, but he just got angry with me."

Suki is quiet for a moment, her sense of urgency gone. "That's happened before, too." She looks away, out the closest window, then back to Sokka. "We think he should see someone. To talk about it."

"But he won't, because he thinks he needs to be this big, bad Fire Lord. Like he's supposed to be invincible," Ty Lee adds. Sokka sometimes forgets that she's known Zuko all his life.

"I'll ask him about it, if he ever speaks to me again."

"Okay," Suki huffs, then starts off in the direction of Ozai's room. After a few steps, she pauses and turns to face Sokka. "Thank you, Sokka. For trying to help."

Sokka shrugs. "He's my friend."

-

Later that day, Sokka finds Suki stationed at the entrance to the royal gardens. Zuko's outside, taking one of his daily walks. 

"Suki," Sokka greets, before sitting down in front of her.

"Sokka," Suki groans. "I'm working."

"This is part of your job," Sokka waves a hand dismissively. "I've launched Operation Get Zuko to Talk to Someone About His Feelings. Not my best name, but I'm working on it." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper on which he's outlined his plan. "Option 1: Me. I'm a great listener, very good talker, easy on the eyes. However--"

"--for some inexplicable reason, Zuko hates you right now." Suki finishes his sentence. Sokka wonders if Zuko told her anything about what happened earlier. In truth, he doesn't want to know.

"Right," Sokka crosses off Option 1. "Option 2, which honestly should've been Option 1: His uncle. I mean, he's going to be here soon for the funeral, so we'll give him a heads-up that Zuko's been going through it, and he'll--"

"About that," Suki interrupts. There's a cringe on her face. "Zuko has strictly forbidden news about Ozai's death from reaching the people of Ba Sing Se. He's gotten the Dai Li involved."

Sokka's mouth hangs open. "The Dai Li? Aren't they, like, bad guys?"

"They were, yeah, but I think they've done some serious reforms."

Sokka waves a hand. "Not the point, I guess. Why doesn't he want his uncle to know that Ozai is dead?"

"Remember how I told you things were complicated?"

Sokka groans, leaning back to lay on the floor. "Just uncomplicate it, then."

Suki looks around to make sure the hallway is empty. She then glances outside, where Zuko is sitting on the ground in front of the turtleduck pond. Another Kyoshi warrior is stationed behind him. Deciding that the coast is clear for now, she sits by Sokka's head and begins to idly play with the end of his wolftail. "Iroh's built a really great life in Ba Sing Se," She explains. "He's finally doing what he's always wanted, and it has nothing to do with politics or the Fire Nation. Zuko doesn't want to drag him back into that. Especially not because of Ozai."

Sokka folds his hands over his chest. "He knows that if Iroh found out Ozai was dead, he would come to be with Zuko."

"Right. And you know Zuko, always putting himself last."

Sokka scoffs. "Yeah, I'm aware. He can barely take care of himself. Who raised him?"

Suki giggles. "I think it was us, mostly."

"Us?" Sokka tilts his head up to look at Suki upside-down. "I think you mean me."

Suki giggles again, and this time it spreads to Sokka. They're sitting there on the floor, laughing like children, when Zuko enters from outside, his guards behind him.

"Suki, Sokka," He nods to them as Suki scrambles back to her position.

"Sorry, Zuko, Sokka and I were just... talking."

Once again, that unrecognizable look appears in Zuko's eyes. "Right." 

-

Zuko sits in the garden for what feels like hours, watching the turtleducks swim. His concept of time is slipping, which makes him a menace for his advisors. He goes into these trances during which he feels apart from his body and when he returns, he can't remember how much time has passed. One such trance takes ahold of him in the garden, and he loses the ability to feel the grass beneath him or hear the chirps of the birds. When he comes back, the sun is in a different position in the sky, and he's fairly sure he's missing a meeting.

He stands-- slowly, because his feet are asleep-- and reenters the building. He freezes at the sight of Sokka laying on the ground while Suki plays with his hair, both of them laughing at a joke he's missed. It hurts in a way that Zuko cannot describe. In part, because he feels like he's lost the ability to laugh and he can't remember the last time that he did. But there's another part of him, a deeper, more hidden part of him, that's jealous. Sokka and Suki have always been close friends, closer than Zuko's ever been with Sokka, he thinks. They even dated, or maybe are currently dating, by the looks of the situation. He wonders if Sokka's ever rubbed Suki's head, ever tried to talk her off the edge like he did with him. Is it foolish of him to be jealous? He's never had a friend before, Sokka is his very first one. His closest friend, too. But he wasn't Sokka's closest friend, because he had Suki. The next three spaces went to Katara, Aang and Toph, which meant Zuko was number four, unless Sokka had other friends that Zuko didn't know about. Would he even consider them to be friends? Maybe it'd be better if he didn't, since Zuko had ruined everything by falling in love with him at Boiling Rock.

No. No. No. He can't think about that, can't think about Sokka like that. It simply isn't an option. Sokka is very much straight, ergo his relationship with Suki. It doesn't matter if Zuko was straight or not: he had to marry a woman and produce an heir. He isn't gay because he can't be, end of discussion.

Gay. The word rings out in Zuko's head, even as the Fire Sages discuss more funeral arrangements. What would his father say? Or, rather, how would he choose to punish him if he ever heard Zuko even entertaining the idea? It would be a much bigger disgrace than speaking out in a war meeting. In fact, his father would probably kill him if he ever found out.

Which he won't, because he's dead. Right.

When he starts focusing again, one of the sages was speaking to him. "...at which time, the dinner will commence. Do you approve of the itinerary, Fire Lord Zuko?" 

Zuko blinks once, twice. He hasn't caught a single word of said itinerary. Oh, well, he'll just go where his servants told him to. "Yes."

"And you'll visit her tomorrow?"

Shit. Zuko forgot about this part. Azula is still locked away, she doesn't know that their father is dead. Zuko insists on being the one to break it to her, but the sages have put him on a schedule. He has to tell her tomorrow so that she can still come to the funeral if she's stable enough. For the gang's sake, he hopes that she's not. "Yes. I'll tell my sister tomorrow."

The sages file out. Zuko briefly considers retiring to his study for the night, but then he remembers Sokka's hands in his hair, and he decides against it. Sokka will wait for him in the dining hall, then realize he's not coming, check his study to find it empty, and then maybe he'd get some sense and give up on this charity case. Zuko may not yet be a grown man, but he's at least a little older than Sokka, and therefore capable of taking care of himself. Sokka doesn't need to mother him just because his father died. It would be dangerous to let him that close, anyway.

Zuko props his head up on the arm of the throne, content to stare at the flames all night. He thinks of all the times he's drifted off in meetings in this very room, and his eyes begin to droop.

"Zuko."

He is shaken awake by the sound of someone calling his name. He blinks away the sleep in his eyes, focusing on Sokka in front of him. How did he find him here? Dumb question-- Suki knows where he is at all times.

"I want to apologize."

Zuko begins to ask for what, but then decides it's better just to let Sokka speak.

"I don't know what I did to make you so angry at me today, but I'm sorry. If I crossed a line last night, I'm sorry. I'm your friend and I'm just trying to help. I don't want you to be mad at me."

Zuko thinks about the heavenly feeling of Sokka's hands in his hair. He thinks about his dream, before it had turned sour, the fantasy of Sokka's lips on his neck. But then he remembers seeing him with Suki, remembers thinking the word 'gay' earlier and the bitter taste it left in his mouth. He reminds himself that the flutter in his heart at the sight of Sokka's eyes is a sign of impending doom.

"Will you take the sky bison home after the funeral, or do you need me to arrange a balloon?"

Something inside Sokka breaks, Zuko can tell. He hates himself for causing it.

"Um, I guess I'll go with Appa."

-

Okay, so Sokka is definitely crossing himself off as Option 1 on Operation Make Zuko Happy (updated name). His heart hurts in a funny way after leaving the throne room. If he could know what it was that made Zuko so upset, it wouldn't be so bad. But Sokka has no idea what he's done, besides offering a much needed scalp massage. Was Zuko freaked out by that? Why would he be?

He heads back to his quarters and falls onto his bed with a huff. Katara's letter rests on the nightstand.

At least she'll be here tomorrow, he thinks. Katara would know what to do, she always does. She'll make Zuko feel better, and then Sokka will feel like an idiot for ever being worried.

"Sokka?" Suki knocks lightly on his door. She's out of her Kyoshi getup, instead in normal civilian Fire Nation clothing. Sokka is pretty sure he prefers green on her.

"Hey," He's sort of confused as to what she's doing here. Is it about Zuko?

"I wanted to talk to you," She sits next to Sokka on his bed. "About... us."

Okay, not about Zuko. She and Sokka had been dating when the war ended, but they didn't survive peacetime. They were apart from each other, which made Suki realize that she considered Sokka to be more of a friend than a boyfriend. Sure, getting dumped was painful, but Sokka was just glad to be Suki's friend.

He thinks about how she'd played with his hair today. Had she interpreted that as something other than platonic? Because if she had, well, Sokka kind of had his hands full with Zuko. They both did. "Suki, I--"

"I have a girlfriend," Suki blurts, her cheeks immediately turning pink. "I-- We've been together for a while now, and I thought since you and I have been spending so much time together, than you deserve to know."

"Oh," Sokka frowns. This wasn't exactly what he was expecting. Not in the girlfriend way, both of them were bisexual, but in the fact that she'd already moved on. Was he supposed to have moved on? "Thank you for telling me."

"Of course," Suki smiles at him. "You're my best friend."

-

On the way to bed, Zuko catches Suki coming out of Sokka's room.

Well, that settles it, he thinks to himself. They're back together. 

He stops walking, an uncomfortable thought popping into his head. Why does he care?

It doesn't matter who Sokka is dating. It doesn't matter at all. He can marry Suki and have a million kids with her, and it will never matter. Zuko isn't gay and Sokka will never kiss him, and so it doesn't matter.

He steps into his study, lights a candle with his fingers, takes a piece of parchment. He can't sleep-- his thoughts are too loud and there's a headache building at the base of his skull. With shaking hands, he writes it out: it doesn't matter. He leans back and reads the words over and over. He writes it again, then again, and again, until he reaches for another piece of parchment and realizes that there aren't any more.

"Fuck!" He knots his hands into his hair and pulls. He wants to reach into his head and yank it out, remove those thoughts, remove the memory of his dream, remove the idea of Sokka entirely. When it doesn't come out, he swings his arm out and knocks everything off of his desk. 

At some point, he begins crying, hot tears streaking down his face. He tries to stand and walk to the fireplace, but only makes it halfway before he collapses onto the carpet. He's too exhausted to attempt to hold back the tears, so he cries about Sokka, about his mother, about his sister, his father. He cries until his chest aches, then falls asleep on the ground.

-

Sokka misses Zuko at breakfast. His mind is still reeling from their interactions yesterday. Zuko had been so angry at him, and for what? Was there something he'd done that he didn't realize? He'd gone so far as to even apologize, even though he had no idea what he'd done, and even that failed miserably. Time to move to Plan B: force. He would go to Zuko's study and demand an explanation.

Sokka marches into Zuko's study with his head held so high that he doesn't see Zuko on the ground and accidentally trips over him.

"Ow, shit," Sokka rubs his sore wrists, having caught himself with his hands. "Why are you on the ground?"

Zuko groans. "Get out, Sokka."

Sokka stands and straightens out his robes. "Good morning to you, too." Zuko doesn't respond, or even move. The room is disheveled, covered in papers and things that have been thrown from his desk. He squints at one of the pieces of parchment: 'it doesn't matter,' over and over, in increasingly bad handwriting. "What doesn't matter?"

Now Zuko's awake. He jolts up and crawls over to his desk, frantically grabbing the papers. "Nothing," He hisses.

"Zuko," Sokka watches with pity as Zuko struggles to tidy up the mess. "Just tell me what's going on, please. I'm worried about you."

"Don't be. Nothing's going on."

Sokka sighs. "I'm not an idiot, Zuko, you have a lot going on. Your father just died and--"

"This has nothing to do with my father!" Zuko shouts, the paper in his hand bursting into flames.

"Okay," Sokka puts his hands up in defense. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry."

"I'm busy. I have to go see my sister." Zuko stands quickly, heading toward his bedroom door.

"But Aang, Katara and Toph--" Sokka is cut off by the slam of the door.

-

"Katara!" Sokka holds his sister tight the second she steps into the courtyard. 

"Sokka," Katara replies, accepting Sokka's embrace. "I missed you."

"Don't start the hugging without me!" Aang whines, before slamming into Sokka's back and wrapping his arms around him. 

"You guys are so lame," Toph huffs, but joins the hug, anyway.

Behind them, Appa grunts. "Oh, I didn't forget about you," Sokka disentangles himself from Aang and Katara to bury his face in Appa's fur.

"Where's Zuko?" Katara looks around the courtyard, expecting Zuko to pop out at any moment.

Sokka sighs heavily. "He's going to see his sister."

"What?" The three ask in unison. Spirits, they've been spending too much time together.

Sokka shrugs in response. "Someone has to tell her that her father is dead."

"Oh," Aang's face falls. "I guess that makes sense."

"How's he been doing?" Katara looks at Sokka with that too-familiar motherly concern in her eyes. 

Sokka remembers Zuko's far-off looks, his panic in his father's room, the paper from this morning bursting into flames. He doesn't want to interrupt this happy reunion with that. "We can talk about it later," He throws one arm around Toph and the other around Katara. "I want to hear all about your little adventures!"

-

Zuko stares at the piece of hair in horror. It wouldn't go into his topknot, and he'd gotten so angry because he just wanted it out of his face, and before he knew what he was doing, he'd sawed it off. Just like Azula had done. Fitting, that it happened as he was going to see her.

He sets the piece of hair onto his desk, takes a deep breath. He knows that madness often runs in families, he's witness it go from his grandfather to his father and onto his sister. But he can't become his sister, he won't. He has to rule the Fire Nation, and if he turns into her... he shudders to think of what could happen.

He finishes dressing, the piece of hair taunting him on his desk. Without thinking, he puts on his normal robes, then has to change when he realizes it's not his mourning robes. Normally, he'd have the assistance of his valet, but he wants to spend this morning alone.

As he walks down the hall, he catches sight of Sokka reuniting with Katara, Aang and Toph outside. He pauses, considering joining them. Toph turns toward the window, having felt that he was close by. To his luck, she chooses not to say anything. He keeps walking.

They make him take the palanquin. The curtains are drawn, so that he's hidden from the people, but he can still hear them calling out to him. Some offer words of consolation, others call him a traitor and a usurper. The ride is long, which Zuko feels guilty for. He hopes that the guards carrying him are doing it in shifts, though he can't feel anything change. 

The hospital is as dark and foreboding as it was when he first took Azula here. There were plenty of nicer facilities, just not in the Fire Nation. He doesn't want her to feel like she's being sent away because she's sick. He doesn't want her to feel like she's being banished. After everything, he still doesn't want to make her feel like he did.

"You're wearing white," She says it blandly, unsurprised and not at all curious. Zuko's randomly come to visit her in mourning clothes and she doesn't ask who died. 

"Yes," Zuko takes a seat across from her, takes a good look at her face. She looks better than when he last saw her during Sozin's comet, but not by much. The shadows on her face are a little lighter, but there's still something in her eyes that he isn't used to seeing. 

"And you cut your hair."

Self-consciously, Zuko reaches up and touches the strand of hair that he'd cut in the morning. He tucks it behind his ear in an attempt to hide it. "Things have been a little stressful around the palace lately."

He expects her, then, to ask who died, but she still doesn't. He supposes that she expects it to be Iroh, or maybe Aang, or someone she doesn't care about. "You're beginning to take after me."

Zuko's entire body tenses. "No."

Azula chuckles. "Of course you are. Do you remember when you told that disgusting Water Tribe rat that you could tell I was 'slipping'?"

Zuko remembers how disheveled she looked, especially with her hair. But it wasn't her physical appearance that tipped him off, it was how she was carrying herself. Nervous, on edge, finicky in a way she'd never been before. That, and the look in her eyes. "Yes, I remember."

"Well, Zuzu," Zuko cringes at the name, "now you're the one who's slipping."

"I am not."

"Are too," Azula hums. "You look so afraid. So tiny. You've lost so much weight, Zuzu, I can see it in your face. You're going to end up just like me."

Zuko slams his hand down on the table between them. "I will not end up like you."

Azula laughs at him, which only fuels his anger. "It scares you, doesn't it, Zuzu? The fact that you're going to be sitting next to me soon enough? Tell me, who's going to take the throne when you go insane, now that Uncle's gone? I'm assuming that it's Uncle, with how distraught you are."

Zuko clenches his jaw and stands. "It wasn't Uncle. It was Ozai."

Azula's face falls. "What?"

It's his turn to speak blandly. "An assassin killed him in prison."

"No!" Azula shouts, struggling against her restraints. "No, no, no! He's supposed to come free me! He's coming for me!"

The doctors come running in. Azula falls completely into delusion, ranting about how Ozai was going to save her and reinstate her. She struggles violently against her restraints and the doctor's grips. One of the doctors tells Zuko to leave, so he does. He can hear her wails as he retreats down the hall.

He will not end up like her.

-

Sokka feels the best that he's felt in a long, long time. He's surrounded by his friends, his family, and they're laughing just like the old days. The sun is shining on them as they lay in the grass of the courtyard, practically on top of one another. But even still, Zuko's absence is noticeable. There are little shortfalls in the conversations, times when Zuko would have spoken, but now there's just silence. Their cuddle pile is significantly colder than it would be with the firebender's added warmth.

Sokka isn't the only one who misses his presence. "So, how's Sparky?" Toph asks after they've run every other topic dry.

"Um," Sokka swallows heavily. "Not great. Suki and I are trying to get him to talk to someone."

"But it isn't going very well," Suki adds. "It's a short list of people that Zuko is willing to talk to."

"What about his uncle?" Katara asks.

Sokka and Suki sigh in unison. "He's banned the news from entering Ba Sing Se."

Aang sits upright at Sokka's response. "What? He can't do that!"

Sokka shrugs. "It's not like King Kuei cares."

"I guess," Aang huffs and lays back down. "But what about you?"

Suki scoffs. "Lost cause. Zuko woke up yesterday and decided he hates Sokka's guts."

"Wait, why? What did you do, Sokka?" Katara reaches over and punches Sokka lightly in the arm.

"Ow!" Sokka cradles his injured arm. "I didn't do anything, Katara," He articulates her name with a shove to the shoulder. "He's just having a rough time right now. I'm giving him space."

"But that's the last thing he needs!" Toph throws her hands up. "Come on, this Zuko we're talking about. He's not really the type to solve his own problems, remember?"

"Yeah, well, he's kind of being a major dick to me right now."

"Well I think you're being a bad friend!" Toph crosses her arms over her chest.

Sokka's jaw drops. "What the hell, Toph? I am not!"

"Are too."

"Suki!" Sokka groans, turning to her. "Back me up here!"

Suki shrugs. "I kind of agree with her."

"Huh?" 

"Me, too," Katara says softly.

Sokka gasps. "My own blood turned against me!" He looks to Aang expectantly.

"She has a point."

"Okay, well if the court could show how I'm being a bad friend, that would be great."

Toph, apparently angered by the situation, stands up. "You're abandoning him in his time of need!" She points a finger at Sokka accusingly. 

Sokka bolts upright. "He slammed a door in my face this morning, Toph. He responded to my apology, which I didn't even know what it was for, by basically telling me to get the hell out of Caldera the second the funeral is over! He doesn't want my help!"

"Too bad!" Toph stomps her foot, shaking the ground beneath her. "You came here to take care of him. You have to do it whether or not he wants you to."

"Fine," Sokka crosses his arms and lays back down. "I'll push harder. But if he sets me on fire, I would like you to put 'it was Toph's idea' on my tombstone."

-

Sokka tries to find Zuko all afternoon. Of course he's in his study, but Sokka avoids checking it out of sheer unwillingness to believe that he's really in there, again. He wants to just give up, because obviously Zuko doesn't want to be bothered right now, but Toph's comment hangs in his head. He is not a bad friend, and he will not abandon Zuko. 

Eventually, he caves and goes to Zuko's study. As suspected, he's working. But there's something... off about him, more off than usual, Sokka can tell. He's shaking, almost, his hand keeps twitching, his foot is tapping rapidly, his hair is sticking out like it's been pulled on. His eyes snap up as soon as Sokka enters the room, and they're full of anxiety. He looks so afraid, like he's just waiting for something unspeakably terrible to happen.

"Zuko..." Sokka says slowly. The memory of fire flashes in his mind. 

"What?" Zuko spits out.

Sokka takes a tentative step into the room. It's dark in here-- the curtains are closed, so the only source of light is a candle on Zuko's desk. Sokka remembers him complaining about headaches, remembers running his fingers through his hair, and it feels like years ago. 

He struggles to find the words to say. "I-I'm worried about you."

"Why?" Zuko growls. Sokka almost flinches.

"I just... I think you need some rest, or something, maybe."

Zuko's eyes narrow. "You think I'm becoming my sister."

Sokka is so shocked that, for a few moments, all he can do is stand there gaping like a fish. He's never even imagined the possibility of Zuko completely losing it like his sister did. She must have planted that in his head when he visited. "What?" 

Zuko pushes back from his desk so violently that he knocks his chair over. He steps out from behind it and starts pacing rapidly up and down the room. "She warned me that you would do this. She told me that you people are going to try to send me away. But I'm not her!"

"She's wrong," Sokka says firmly, taking a step toward Zuko.

It's the wrong move. Zuko stumbles backward into his bookshelf, a few books being rattled off. "Get away from me!"

"Zuko, please," Sokka begs. "I'm trying to help."

Zuko takes a book off the shelf and hurls it at Sokka's head. It misses by a few inches. "Get out! Go away!"

Sokka ducks to avoid another book. "Zuko--"

Zuko raises his hand, cutting him off. There's a flame sitting in his palm. "Leave."

It feels an awful lot like giving up, but Sokka figures he doesn't really have another choice. So he leaves.

-

When he finds Katara in the gardens, there's tears in his eyes.

"Sokka?" Katara looks at him, confused.

"I don't--" Sokka's voice cracks. "I don't know what to do."

Katara tugs his wrist so that he sits down next to her on the bench. "Oh, Sokka," She wraps her arms around his shoulders and holds him tight.

For a little while, Sokka just cries. He cries because he's worried, because he's never seen Zuko like this, because he really only wants the best for him. He would give anything to make Zuko happy, it was just a matter of what. 

Once he can breathe without letting out a sob, Sokka pulls his head off of Katara's shoulder. She reaches out and tucks a loose hair behind his ear. It's in moments like these that she reminds him of their mom.

She smiles at him sadly. "I think you just need to tell him."

Sokka frowns. "Tell him what?"

Katara's face falls. "Wait... what happened, exactly?"

Sokka sniffs and wipes a tear from his cheek. "Everything. I went to go talk to him, and he was acting really weird, and then he started talking about his sister, a-and then he was throwing things at me," Sokka's voice breaks again as the tears reappear in his eyes.

"Okay, okay," Katara lets Sokka fall back into her arms. "It's going to be okay, alright?" She rubs his back soothingly. "We're going to help."

-

The first official Operation Make Zuko Happy meeting occurs that night, at dinner. Zuko, of course, is not in attendance.

Suki takes Zuko's seat, as usual. "He never comes to meals anymore," She explains to the group's confused faces. "This one," She points at Sokka as he enters the room and takes the plate in front of her, "takes it to him."

"Well, let's go with you," Aang says, standing.

Sokka looks nervous. "Are you sure? He's... not much fun to be around, right now."

"Of course we're sure," Toph stands with Aang. "We've been here all day, and we haven't seen him yet. We want to go."

When the gang enters Zuko's study, Zuko is sitting in on the windowsill, gazing out at the stars. He looks even worse than when Sokka last saw him, just hours ago. Like he's lost days of sleep since then. Once they've filed into the room, Sokka realizes that everyone is looking at him for guidance. He doesn't say anything. Doesn't push, because that didn't work earlier. Instead, he sets a plate next to Zuko on the windowsill and takes a seat. 

The six of them sit in silence for a long time. Zuko never speaks, never turns his head, never eats or even acknowledges their presence. He just sits there, unmoving, staring at the moon. Sokka thinks that, maybe, this is what he needs. No pushing, no begging to disclose what's going on, no pressure to talk. Just a gentle reminder that they're here for him, whenever he's ready.

After a while, Zuko stands. "I'm tired," is all he says, before stalking off to his bedroom.

-

When Zuko wakes up in the morning, his scar hurts. He stays locked in his chambers, buried underneath his covers. People come and go at his door, but he ignores all of them. The pain in his scar builds into a migraine, engulfing his entire skull.

The funeral takes place in the early afternoon. Normally, the Fire Nation does Fire Lord funerals and coronations all in one, but of course things are different this time around. Zuko wears the traditional white, along with his crown. He stands behind the Sages, who go through the funeral rites. He can't help but reflect on Azulon's funeral, the morning after his mother's disappearance, where Azula had been at his side.

Once the Sages have finished, they step away from the front of the stage. One of them looks to Zuko. The number of arguments they've had over whether or not Zuko would deliver a eulogy is innumerable. They argued that it was traditional, Zuko argued that Ozai was a war criminal and there was nothing nice to be said about him. A compromise was agreed upon: he would deliver a eulogy, but it would be short.

Zuko steps forward and trains his eyes on the back row of people. His friends are in the front, and he can't look at them while he says this. "Today, I mourn the loss of my father, Ozai, taken too soon from us. He made many sacrifices for his nation, along with many mistakes." His scar itches. It aches. It burns. "But above those, he was my father. I love him dearly and I will miss him every..." His eyes land on Ursa, standing in the crowd. He gasps, believing for a moment that she's returned now that Ozai is dead. But when he blinks, she is gone. Everyone is staring at him. "Um, my father is survived by myself and my dear sister, Azula. Thank you."

The last thing Zuko remembers is staring at the crowd of people in front of him. Then, he is suddenly back in the throne room, the funeral over. He reaches for the memories of what happened in between, but they aren't there.

Zuko looks around the throne room, confused, before he realizes that someone is standing in front of him. It's one of his servants, holding a letter. He blinks at her once, twice, trying to regain his bearings. He is about to tell her to go when she speaks.

"It's from your mother."

When the war ended, Zuko sent out a search party to find his mother and bring her back to Caldera. Ozai offered no information, so he instructed them to begin in Ursa's hometown of Hira'a. He sent them with a letter, inviting her to return to Caldera and regain her status as princess. He hadn't heard from them since. 

"Give it to me."

Dear Zuko,

I am so glad to hear from you after such a long time. You have grown into such a beautiful, strong young man. I am so proud of who you have become in my absence.

In regards to your invitation back to Caldera, I am afraid that I must decline. I have found the love from my younger years, Ikem. We have a daughter, Kiyi, who is not much older than you were the last time that I saw you. I have elected not to tell Kiyi about my past. I think it would be too confusing and frustrating for such a young girl. I hope you understand.

I love you. Ursa.

The letter quickly turns to ash in his hands. His mother doesn't want to come back. After all this time, all this searching, all this wondering what had happened to her, she has another family. Another child to be the subject of her affections. He wants to write her back, to beg her to come, to tell her that he's still a child too and he needs her.

It isn't fair.

There's an unadulterated anger building in his bones, one he's never felt before. The poor messenger girl is still standing there, waiting to be dismissed.

"Get out!" He roars. She turns and starts walking, almost running, out of the room. When the door closes behind her, he throws a ball of flames at it.

Firebending is fueled, in part, by rage. Zuko knows this, knows that he needs to keep his anger in check, but he can't. There's fire coming out of his hands, out of his nose every time he exhales. The flames in front of the throne are so high that they've caught the banners hanging from the ceiling, setting them alight. The throne room is burning. And he is so angry.

Zuko pulls himself out of the throne and toward the center of the room. There's a rushing sound in his ears and he isn't sure when he started crying. He's known for a long time that he has no family left. His mother is gone, his sister is lost, his father is-- was-- a monster. 

His father. Zuko finds the little piece inside of him that wants his father back alive and wants to carve it out with a knife. Instead, he just screams, fire erupting from his mouth.

Blue fire. So he is lost, too. He's known, for a while, that at some point this would happen. He's known it since he first laid eyes on Sokka, because he loves him in a way that he isn't allowed to and it will never be reciprocated. He tries to think of Mai, but all that comes to mind is the way she looked at Ty Lee and the way he didn't like to kiss her and the way he couldn't think of anything better than kissing Sokka. A wounded noise makes its way out of his throat, accompanied by more fire, and he falls to his knees.

He loves Sokka in a way that will destroy him.

-

Zuko acts weird after the funeral, like he's riding on autopilot. Sokka tries to understand it, how shutting down might be his coping mechanism. But it worries him, nonetheless.

The four of them gather in Sokka's quarters after the funeral. They're supposed to be eating, but nobody feels hungry. Zuko disappears before anyone can stop him. Toph also stalks off somewhere without telling anyone where she's going.

"I can't believe he said that about his father," Katara says, staring blankly at the carpet. "He was so... nice."

"Katara," Sokka turns to glare at her. "He's mourning."

"I know, I'm sorry," Katara sighs. 

Across the room, Suki shifts uncomfortably in her chair. "Do you think he realizes, though?"

Katara and Sokka give her a confused look, but Aang keeps his head down. "What do you mean?" Katara asks.

"How abusive his father was."

"I mean," Sokka gestures to his left eye. "I think he has a pretty good reminder." Aang winces at the comment.

"No," Suki shakes her head. "I mean, more than that. Like, the emotional manipulation, the verbal assaults, that sort of thing. The mental abuse. That can really fuck a person up."

Sokka is at a loss for words. He's never thought about how Ozai's abuse extended beyond burning Zuko. But Suki's right: Zuko has been emotionally abused by his father his entire life. The scars of that aren't visible.

"He's traumatized," Aang's voice is much quieter than usual. He slowly looks up at Sokka. "Sokka, I know you're afraid that he's losing his mind, but I think he's just... traumatized."

Sokka opens his mouth to respond, but is cut off by one of Zuko's servants busting into the room. "You have to come, quickly!" She pants, a hand over her chest. She must have run all the way here. "The Fire Lord-- Zuko-- he's-- you have to come!" She surges forward and grabs the arm of the closest person, Suki, tugging her towards the door. "He's going to burn down the palace!"

Sokka breaks into a full sprint. He can hear the servant shouting that Zuko's in the throne room, as well as Katara, Aang and Suki's footsteps behind him. He runs faster than he ever has in his life, feet carrying him by memory until he's at the throne room door. Sokka goes to open it, but Katara catches his hand.

"Sokka, wait."

Sokka yanks his arm out of her grasp. "There's no waiting. He's-- Katara, I have to go in there."

Katara suddenly looks sadder than before. "I know. Just, be careful."

The doorknob burns Sokka's hand, but he pays no mind. The throne room has gone completely up in flames. Initially, Sokka can't even see Zuko through all the smoke and fire. But then the line of fire in front of him flickers, and Sokka can see him behind it. He leaps through the flames without thinking, desperate to reach his friend.

Zuko screams, an agonized sound, and blue fire bursts from his mouth. The image shatters Sokka's heart into a million tiny pieces.

"Zuko."

"Sokka," Zuko gasps. He looks shocked to see him there, as if his best friend wouldn't have come running. "You have to leave. I-it's not safe."

Sokka kneels down in front of Zuko. With such messy firebending, Zuko's left a trail of burns on his arms. "I'm not leaving without you."

"Get out!" Zuko shrieks, the flames behind him crawling higher. "Leave! Get the fuck out!"

Before, this worked. Sokka would express his concern, they'd argue, then Zuko would tell him to leave and he would. He left because he wanted to give Zuko space, because he thought maybe things weren't really all that bad and they could get better on their own. Now it's all come back to slap Sokka in the face: it's not getting better, and it won't until Sokka does something. He loves Zuko, in a way that makes his heart bloom and butterflies flutter in his stomach. He's so used to having it satiated by lingering touches on forearms or kind words in letters, but it's been deepening lately. The more Zuko pulls away, the harder Sokka's heart clings on.

He sits in front of Zuko, legs crossed. "I'm not leaving without you."

"I'm going to die here!" A little burst of flames exits Zuko's mouth on the word 'die.' It doesn't physically burn Sokka, but he recoils like it has.

"No," He says firmly. "I won't let you."

"Don't you understand?" Zuko shouts, voice breaking. "She doesn't want to come back! The only person who has ever loved me! She doesn't want me!"

Sokka's heart melts. He's talking about his mom. For a while, Sokka had assumed that she was dead, but then Zuko explained that she had just left one day and never returned. It must hurt so much worse than if she were dead. Sokka's mother may be gone forever, but he knows that she loved him until her dying breath. Zuko's mother, on the other hand, had chosen to leave him and never return. And now, he feels unloveable.

"I love you." And I will tell you that again and again for every day of the rest of our lives, if that's what it takes.

This time, Zuko recoils like he's been burned. "You... you can't."

Sokka tentatively reaches forward and takes one of Zuko's hands. It's still hot. "I do."

Through the grace of every Spirit above, it works. Zuko collapses into Sokka's arms, sobbing so hard that his entire body shakes. The flames begin to quiet down, then flicker out. Sokka holds Zuko in his lap, steady as a rock, waiting for the storm to pass. Zuko's sobs turn into sniffles, which turn into hiccups. When his trembling has nearly stopped, Sokka picks him up bridal style and carries him out of the room. He passes his friends, waiting outside, giving them a soft nod to let them know that, at least for now, everything is okay. 

Sokka lays Zuko on his bed, then turns to leave. Zuko grabs his wrist. "Please don't leave me," He begs, his voice like a child's. "Can you just... hold me?"

"Of course."

-

Zuko sleeps like the dead. Sokka can't, can't run the risk of him waking up and Zuko being gone. So he lays there, arms wrapped so tightly around Zuko that he's afraid he might suffocate him. He just needs to hear him breathing, feel his chest rise and fall and know that, at least for now, he's okay.

Katara, Aang, Toph and Suki come in after an hour. 

"Leave us alone," Sokka's voice trembles. Zuko stirs, causing Sokka to tighten his grip so much that his arms hurt. He doesn't want anyone in the room right now. This momentary peace feels so fragile, like the slightest disturbance will ruin it. Besides, Sokka can do this on his own. He'll piece Zuko back together by himself, no matter how long it takes.

Katara sits on the edge of the bed, next to Sokka. She puts a hand on his shoulder. "Sokka."

Sokka closes his eyes, tears falling down his cheeks. "Please go away."

Suki joins Katara, looking sadly at Sokka. "You're not doing this alone, Sokka."

"Let us help you," Aang says, in a way that tells Sokka he won't take no for an answer.

Sokka is thankful that the Fire Lord's bed is ridiculously large. Large enough for all six of them to pile in, quietly, so as not to wake Zuko. Katara puts her head on Sokka's shoulder, Suki rests in his lap, Aang cuddles up next to Katara and Toph goes on the other side of Zuko. 

"I sent a letter to his uncle," Toph whispers.

Sokka frowns. "How did--"

"Well I didn't write it, obviously," She snaps, causing Zuko to stir. They all freeze-- Sokka doesn't even breathe-- until he's back to being sound asleep. 

"Thank you, Toph."

Sokka tries not to sleep, but it proves to be more difficult than before. He can feel Katara's breathing slow as she drifts off, then Suki lets out that little hum she does when she falls asleep. Sokka can feel his eyes drooping and is about to allow them to close, when Zuko's breath hitches.

"Sokka?" He whispers, his bloodshot eyes flickering open. He looks at Sokka through his mussed hair and touches his cheek. "You're crying."

Sniffling, Sokka averts his gaze. He'd been crying for so long that he sort of forgotten that he was. "Yeah, I-- I'm sorry." He reaches up and threads his fingers through Zuko's hair. "Sleep, Zuko."

Zuko hums, then closes his eyes again.

-

When Sokka wakes, everyone is gone.

Everyone, including Zuko. 

He bolts upright, heart hammering in his chest. 

No no no, he thinks, throwing the covers off his body. This can't be happening, I just got him back.

He crawls out of bed and is about the fly out the room when the door from the bathroom opens and Zuko emerges.

"'s everything okay?" He asks, rubbing his eyes.

Relief floods Sokka's veins. "Yeah," He surges forward and takes Zuko into his arms. "You scared me."

"I was just peeing," Zuko still sounds sleepy and obviously has no idea why Sokka is so concerned. Sokka releases him, suddenly feeling awkward.

"Um, yeah. Yeah, sorry." He nervously rubs the back of his neck, trying to think of a topic to shift to. "Will you let me look at your arms?"

Zuko doesn't look at him while Sokka examines the burns on his arms. They aren't very bad, they should heal in a few days with Katara's help. Still, Sokka gets a roll of gauze and carefully goes about wrapping them up.

"I was really scared for you," Sokka says as he is wrapping Zuko's left arm.

"Did you mean it?" Zuko asks, voice sounding small. "When you said that you loved me?"

Sokka wants to smack Zuko for asking such a silly question. "Of course I meant it. I love you, and so does Toph, and Aang, and Katara and Suki."

Unexpectedly, Sokka's response is met with uncomfortable silence. "Oh." Zuko whispers after a bit, then withdraws his arm from Sokka's grasp. 

When they lay back down, Sokka doesn't miss the way that Zuko's body tenses as he wraps his arms around him.

-

So Sokka loves him like his friends do. He means it in the friend way.

Zuko tries not to think about it. He also tries not to think about how nice it feels to be tucked into Sokka's chest. Or about Sokka's hands, resting on the small of his back. But all of this trying is in vain, and so Zuko lays there with his eyes closed and his mind racing.

Sokka would be disgusted if he knew. If he ever found out that Zuko likes him in that way, he would probably never speak to him again. And yet, here Zuko is, risking it all by asking to be held. Would Sokka wake up and realize what's going on? How Zuko is taking advantage of him? Would he call him names like his sister did when she realized that he didn't like Mai like that? Or would he beat the shit out of him like his father did when he looked at that male servant the wrong way? The possibilities run through Zuko's head, each more terrible than the last.

This is wrong, he realizes. Boys shouldn't hold boys like this.

Zuko's chest tightens, and suddenly he feels like he can't breathe. He pushes Sokka's chest, trying to disentangle himself from the boy's grasp. He scrambles his way out of the bed, tripping on the way out, and falls onto the ground, hyperventilating.

Sokka's reaction is immediate. He leaps out of the bed and goes to touch Zuko, but Zuko's head screams wrong, and he flinches back. Sokka's arm freezes in midair. 

"I-- I can't--" Zuko gestures to his chest, trying desperately to draw in a deep breath. "I'm-- sorry--"

"Zuko, Zuko, calm down," Sokka says slowly. 

There's no way out of this. He's never not going to be in love with Sokka. But he can't be, and therein lies the paradox.

"N-No, I--" 

"Zuko," Sokka's voice is stern. "You have to breathe." He draws in a deep breath, and Zuko tries to mimic it. He almost gets all the way through, but at the end, his breath falters, and he's back to hyperventilating. He ducks his head down and knots his hands in his hair.

"You have to go," Zuko forces out. 

"You should know by now that I'm not leaving you."

Zuko's heart breaks. Sure, Sokka says that now, but what about when he finds out that Zuko is gay? He probably won't be able to run far enough.

"Y-you're going to," Zuko stutters. "W-when you find out." He steals a glance at Sokka, whose face is written with confusion.

"Nothing you could ever do would make me leave you."

Zuko shakes his head, pulling harder on his hair. 

"You have to stop that. Can I touch you?"

This time, Zuko nods. Sokka gently pulls his hands out of his hair and places them on his own chest.

"Breathe with me," He inhales slowly. Zuko can feel his lungs filling with air underneath his hands. He closes his eyes and tries to match his breathing with Sokka's. After a while, it works. Zuko's breathing returns to normal, and he feels embarrassed by the whole ordeal.

"I'm sorry," Zuko quickly pulls his hands off of Sokka's chest. "You should... you should probably go."

Sokka's eyes suddenly look very sad. "Why do you keep saying that?"

It pains Zuko to know that he's making Sokka upset, but it would be so much worse if he knew. Better to keep him at a distance than lose him entirely. Zuko shakes his head and stands, wanting to put physical space between the two of them.

"Please don't do this," Sokka pleads, his voice wavering. "Don't shut me out again, please."

Zuko stares out the window, not wanting to look at Sokka. "Leave, or I will have you removed."

"Zuko," Sokka grabs Zuko's wrist and forces him to turn around. He drops to his knees. "Please, let me help you, I just want to help, please."

Zuko feels too much like his father. "Guards!"

-

Something in Sokka breaks. He lets the guards drag him out, then collapses outside the door. He's tired, exhausted, really, and he hasn't stopped worrying about Zuko for days. It's different, he thinks, than a friendly worry. Holding Zuko felt right, it felt perfect, and now he may never have the chance to again. What had he done wrong?

Sokka's known that he likes men as well as women for years, he's accepted it. But in love with Zuko? It's different, they're best friends. And Zuko clearly isn't in the right headspace for this right now, so Sokka needs to stifle his emotions temporarily.

"Sokka?" Katara comes running down the hall, a woman trailing behind her. "Sokka, what's going on?"

"I-- I love him," Sokka mutters, admitting it out loud for the first time.

Katara kneels down in front of him and reaches forward to wipe a few stray tears away. "What?"

Sokka looks her in the eyes. "I'm in love with him."

"Oh, Sokka," Katara moves her hand down to cup his jaw. "I know."

Sokka frowns. "You wh--" His eyes catch the woman Katara came with, standing awkwardly a few feet away. "Who's this?"

The woman steps forward. "Dr. Shu." She offers her hand, and Sokka shakes it from the ground. 

"She's a therapist," Katara explains. "For Zuko."

Sokka sighs and bangs his head against Zuko's door. "Why didn't I think of that?"

-

When the door opens, Zuko half hopes that it's Sokka. It isn't-- instead, it's a woman that he's never seen before.

"And who are you?" He asks, suddenly very self conscious of his unkempt appearance. He crosses his arms over his body defensively.

"I'm Dr. Shu. Your friend Katara said you might want to talk to me."

Zuko scoffs. "I don't need a therapist. You may see yourself out."

But instead of leaving, Dr. Shu takes a seat at the chair by Zuko's fireplace. "Do you know why Katara recommended me?"

Zuko rolls his eyes. "Because she has an intense maternal complex and feels the need to swoop in and fix things that don't need fixing."

"No," Dr. Shu responds, surprisingly patient in spite of Zuko's behavior. "It's because I've also worked with your friend, Aang." She notices the confused look on Zuko's face. "Nobody is immune to trauma, Lord Zuko. Not Avatars, not Fire Lords."

"Um, it's..." Zuko takes the seat across from her. "It's just Zuko."

"Okay, Zuko," Dr. Shu gives him a warm smile. "Shall we start with the crying boy that's slumped against your door?"

-

Katara tries her best to lure Sokka away from Zuko's door, but to no avail. He keeps vigil there for what feels like eternity, waiting for Dr. Shu to emerge. She seems to have made it much longer than Sokka ever has, which he chalks up to her much more impressive qualifications. 

"I hope she knows what she's doing."

Katara is seated behind Sokka, pulling his hair into tight braids. "She does. She worked with Aang for a while. Still does, sometimes."

Sokka is shocked to hear this. Aang has always been so happy, what does he need with a therapist? "Aang has a therapist?"

Katara is silent for a moment, her work on his braids slowing. "It was touch-and-go for a while, after the war ended. He was having nightmares and panic attacks. It was like he'd been turned into a different person."

Sokka thinks of Zuko's wild eyes and mouth spurting blue flame. "I think I know the feeling."

Katara hums as she finishes a braid and moves to begin a new one. "He's much better, now, though. In a weird way, I think the whole thing brought us closer together."

"Do you..." Sokka draws in a deep breath. "Do you think it'll be the same for Zuko and I?"

Laughing, Katara reaches forward and tilts Sokka's chin back so he's looking at her upside down. "If you two don't kiss after the dust settles, I'm going to murder you both."

Sokka's retort is cut off by Zuko's door opening. Dr. Shu wanders out, saying a quick goodbye to the siblings. Behind her, Zuko peeks his head out of the room. There are still tears on his cheeks.

"Sokka?" He looks down, looking more himself than he has in days. "Do you want to come in?"

"Yes," Sokka breathes, nearly tripping over himself as he scrambles to get up. He follows Zuko into the room, trying to keep a respectful distance. Maybe the hands on the chest thing and the cuddling was a bit too forward.

Zuko motions for Sokka to sit at the foot of the bed. "I owe you an apology," He says, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. "You're my friend, and you were just trying to help, and all I did was ignore you and push you away and you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry." He shifts his gaze up to look at Sokka, nervously scratching at the back of his neck.

"I--" Sokka tries very hard not to cry. Just hours ago, Zuko was having him dragged out of the room by guards, and Sokka thought they might never speak again. Now, things look like they might be returning to normal, whatever that was. "I forgive you, Zuko. It's okay."

"Really?" Relief floods Zuko's face. "I thought you would hate me after everything I've said to you."

"No," Sokka's voice cracks. "I could never hate you. I just want what's best for you."

Zuko smiles, and Sokka thinks it's the prettiest thing he's ever seen. "Do you want to stay in here tonight?"

"In your gigantic, very comfortable bed?" Sokka lays back onto the bed. "Um, yeah. I think I do."

-

When Zuko wakes up in the morning, his head is resting on Sokka's chest. Yesterday, Dr. Shu explained a lot of things to him that he'd previously misunderstood. Like how homosexuality was outlawed by his great-grandfather, Sozin, less than a hundred years ago. Before that, it had been perfectly normal. And being gay didn't mean it was impossible to have children, either, because Dr. Shu herself was raised by two mothers. So, even though Zuko still worries about how Sokka might react to Zuko's affections for him, he's starting to accept that it was okay to have them.

Zuko plans on never getting out of bed, never leaving this safe haven between Sokka's arms. The universe, however, seems to have other plans, because Toph Beifong comes storming into his room. 

"Get up, lovebirds!" She shouts, climbing onto Zuko's bed. As Sokka wakes, Zuko expects him to move away from him, especially since Toph was here, but he doesn't budge. 

"What do you want, Toph?" Sokka groans.

"I brought a visitor for Sparky."

Zuko bolts upright, tearing himself from Sokka's grasp. Being seen by Toph is one thing, being seen by an unidentified 'visitor' was another. "Who?"

Iroh steps into the room and Zuko's heart melts. "Nephew."

"Uncle," He gasps, throwing off the covers to go hug him.

"Zuko," Iroh accepts Zuko's hug, wrapping his arms tightly around him. "Why didn't you send for me sooner?"

Zuko rests his chin on Iroh's shoulder. "You were so happy in Ba Sing Se, I didn't want to disturb you."

Iroh waits for Zuko to let go before pulling away. "I may not be your father, Zuko, but I think of you as my son. Which means you take priority over everything else."

"I... Thank you, Uncle."

"C'mon, Captain," Toph nudges Sokka. "Let's give them some privacy."

Once Toph and Sokka are gone, Zuko arranges for some tea to be brought while he and Iroh catch up. Business is booming with the Jasmine Dragon, and many of his patrons are shocked that little Lee from the tea shop ended up being the Fire Lord.

"Especially Jin," Iroh laughs. "She couldn't believe that the shy boy she went on a date with is ruling the Fire Nation."

"About that..." Zuko remembers Dr. Shu's words from the day prior. She'd said that, if he was ready, he should tell someone he trusts. He can't think of anyone he trusts more than his uncle. "Uncle... I'm... well, you see, I'm..." Zuko takes a deep breath and squints his eyes shut. "Uncle, I'm gay."

Iroh seems to be completely unbothered. When Zuko opens his eyes, he's still stirring his tea. "Okay. That explains why you didn't like her, she was so nice."

"That's it?" Zuko asks incredulously. It had been suspiciously easy. "You're not going to call me a dishonor to the family or anything?"

"Zuko," Iroh sets his tea down on the table between them. "Honor has nothing to do with who you love."

Zuko has never thought about it that way (which is another thing Dr. Shu told him to work on-- forming his own opinions instead of relying on what Ozai ingrained in him). "You're right. Thank you."

"That does explain why you and Water Tribe were canoodling this morning."

Zuko feels his ears turn bright red. "Uncle!"

-

After a while, Zuko joins Sokka on the bench by the turtleduck pond. He seems much lighter since talking with his uncle. 

"How are you feeling today?" Sokka asks, taking a moment to examine Zuko's features. The bags under his eyes aren't gone, but they've diminished, which he considers to be a success.

Zuko sighs happily. "Better than I have in a long time."

Sokka nods, content with the answer. He turns back to the pond, tossing a piece of bread to the ducks. "Are you meeting with Dr. Shu again today?"

"Yeah, after lunch," Zuko responds. Sokka can feel his eyes on him, so he turns back to meet them. "Sokka, Dr. Shu... told me something. Something that she overheard yesterday."

Sokka can feel his cheeks burn. Maybe professing your love in front of an audience right outside the bedroom of said love wasn't the best idea. "Zuko, I--"

"I'm too," Zuko blurts, then groans. "I mean, I am, too. In love with you, that is. I think. I kind of only just figured out I'm g--" His mouth catches on the word, an old habit. "Gay."

Sokka reaches into his brain for coherent words to use to respond to this admission, but he can't find any. All that comes out is "Thanks."

"You're thanking me for being gay?"

Sokka really, really wishes he weren't such a dumb fucking idiot. He's still lacking the ability to form sentences, and he isn't about to open his mouth and run the risk of saying something even dumber. Instead, he grabs the back of Zuko's neck and pulls him into a kiss. Zuko is shocked at first, but then he begins to kiss back. It's intense, passionate, needy-- Sokka is trying to pour everything he can't seem to say into Zuko's mouth. Zuko seems to be attempting the same, hands wandering from Sokka's neck, to his chest, to his hips. After a minute, Sokka pulls back. Zuko's entire face is red, his lips slightly swollen. 

"One thing," Sokka tries to regain his breath. "You have to promise never to shut me out again."

Zuko's expression softens. "I swear. As long as you promise never to leave me again."

Sokka knows what he means, but he makes a joke out of it, anyway. "Even when you're throwing books at me?"

"Asshole," Zuko rolls his eyes and shoves Sokka's shoulder. "Yes, even when I'm throwing books at you. Sorry about that, by the way."

"It's fine. It was kinda hot, anyway." Sokka's eyes flick down to Zuko's lips, then back up.

He's greeted with another eye roll. "I take it back. I don't love you, you're the worst. I'm calling the guards."

Sokka giggles. "Oh, to drag me out again?"

Zuko's face falls. Maybe that one was a little too soon. "Sokka, I'm so sorry, I--"

"Hey," Sokka takes Zuko's face between his hands. "I don't blame you for any of it, you know that, right?"

There are tears forming in Zuko's eyes. "But it... it wasn't okay. You were just trying to help, and I was awful to you."

"And then you apologized for it, and I forgave you." Sokka stokes his thumb across Zuko's cheekbone. "Nothing you could ever do will make me stop loving you."

Zuko closes his eyes, taking a deep breath to steady himself. "Okay. Can we go back to kissing now?"

It's Sokka's turn to roll his eyes. "You're such a dork. But yes, we can."

This is it, Sokka thinks. They're going to be okay.