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September 5th
Evan is late to his first environmental science class.
Which sucks, because he woke up an hour early so he would have time to lay in bed and question his existence and still make it on time. In fact, he had been standing outside the lecture theatre waiting for the previous class to exit when Jared had suddenly appeared at his side with a signature grin on his face
“Evan! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! Where were you last night? You’re not ignoring me are you?” Jared slapped a hand on his shoulder, causing Evan to stumble forward and grip at the straps of his backpack.
“We’re literally roommates,” Evan deadpanned, rubbing the sting on his shoulder away. “And I saw you yesterday morning. Mom took the afternoon off of work so we hung out and I stayed over. And you know that like, barely happens ever so…” He shrugged, fixing his gaze on his feet. Jared’s grin faltered for a second, and a look of understanding flickers across his face.
“It’s chill. I just walked over to Lana’s room and crushed her at Mario Kart.” Jared looked smug, but Evan knew that Alana would have absolutely smoked him. She was extremely good at video games, calling it a “precise mathematical art”.
“Oh! I got to meet her girlfriend as well. She’s super chill, name’s Zoe. And she’s hot as fuck. If she wasn’t gay and dating one of my best friends I would totally hit that.” Evan rolled his eyes at Jared’s comment. Even after several girls slapping him and calling him “a derogatory pig”, he couldn’t seem to stop the unnecessary commentary.
“Jared, you’re an ass.” Alana’s strong voice pierced the crowds, and Evan watched with satisfaction as Jared froze, looking worried.
“Lana! We were just talking about you! Recovered from the asswhooping I gave you last night?” Evan switched his gaze between his two best friends and the girl with purple hair holding hands with Alana. Jared had been right, she was very pretty. At least, that’s what Evan would have thought if he wasn’t a gay disaster.
“Honestly, Kleinman, you’re the worst.” Alana turned to face Evan, pointedly ignoring Jared’s pouty face.
“Evan, this is my girlfriend Zoe. Zoe, this is my best friend Evan, otherwise known as the nicest person you will ever meet.” Evan laughed awkwardly at the compliment, fiddling with his bag straps before sticking a sweaty hand out for Zoe to shake.
“N-n-nice to m-m-meet you.” He stuttered. Zoe just smiled brightly at him.
“Evan, it’s so nice to finally meet you. Alana talks about you all the time, all good things I promise! Although…” She spared a glance at Jared and narrowed her eyes. “I can’t say the same for the asshole over there.” She turned to face Evan again, and he tried to ignore the hey! from Jared behind him.
“Jared’s not too bad once you got to know him.” Evan admitted quietly, feeling slightly bad for his best friend since kindergarten. He knew Jared definitely deserved every remark and insult because he truly was a dick, but he also knew that Jared was deeply, deeply insecure and lord knows he was familiar with that feeling.
“I’m sure. I just don’t know him that well yet.” Zoe admitted.
“ Anyway! ” Jared stepped into Evan’s line of sight. “As much as I’m enjoying being insulted by such beautiful people, I actually need to borrow Evan so… see you guys later!” Before he could protest, Jared was dragging him away from Zoe and Alana and also his environmental science class which started in 3 minutes.
“Jared, I have a class now, I don’t have time to run errands with you or whatever.” He protested, trying to wriggle out of Jared’s grip. For someone so short, he was strong.
“I know I know, I won’t keep you from your precious plants for long. But I need you to sweet talk the librarian out of giving me a fine.” Evan groaned. Jared had borrowed a book from the library two months ago, ready 5 pages, promptly lost it, and had been avoiding the librarian ever since.
“You know you can’t hide forever. Either you’re going to have to find it or pay the library to get a new one.” Jared scoffed, pushing Evan through the door into the warm library.
“Yeah but you know me, procrastination is my favourite sport.” He grinned at himself, clearly pleased with his not-really-a-joke joke. He shoved Evan towards the front desk, sending him a reassuring grin.
“Evan? Is that you? Oh honey, I feel like it’s been weeks since you were last here. Did you finish all my recommendations?” Mrs Norton’s soft voice floated over from behind the counter, and Evan felt himself relax. She had found him mid panic attack on the second day of his freshman year of college, and had whisked him away to the break room where he had been wrapped in a warm blanket and fed hot cocoa until he calmed down. Ever since then, Evan had come to the library almost every day; either to study or read, and Mrs Norton - just call me Darcy, dear - had been there every time.
And he was just supposed to swindle her out of a $3 fine that Jared couldn’t be bothered to pay because he was too lazy (too ashamed maybe, he liked Mrs Norton just as much as Evan did) to tell her he lost the book?
Jared was the worst.
By the time Evan gets back to his class, he’s five minutes late. To any normal person, that would be fine. Lectures never started before five minutes past the hour to give students time to get across the large campus to different classes, and Evan had yet to meet a teacher who even bat an eyelid if a student walked in half way through a lecture. That wasn’t the problem though.
The problem was that Evan knew that this class was completely full, meaning there would be almost no spare seats littered around. People would have arrived extra early in order to get a good seat for the semester, and the chances of him being stuck completely at the back or next to someone who smelled bad or was rude were extremely high. Not something that Evan wanted for his favourite class.
Taking a deep breath, he lifted his hand and opened the door, letting the low chatter of his classmates wash over him. He was right, the class hadn’t even started yet, and as far as he could see, there was only one seat left.
It was right at the back in the left corner. Perfect , he thought sarcastically.
Evan trudged his way over, muttering apologies to people as he weaved his way to the back. When he finally reached the seat he breathed a sigh of relief and began to unpack his bag. He frowned as he ruffled through the backpack, and felt his heart skip a beat when he couldn’t find his pencil case.
Damn. Damn damn damndamndamn . Evan thought back to the night before when he had packed his bag, he was certain he had put everything he could possibly need in there, and he’d checked it three times that night as well as twice the next morning. How could he have forgotten it? He fiddled with the corner of his notebook, taking a side glance to his seat neighbours.
To his right was a girl who had her back turned to him, and was tapping away loudly on her phone, her long nails clicking against the screen. She gave off an unapproachable air, but Evan took a deep breath and cleared his throat.
“Uh, excuse me?” The girl didn’t move, continuing to click away on her phone. Evan steeled himself and lightly tapped her arm. Her eyes moved up to lock with his and she raised an expectant eyebrow.
“Sorry, um. D-do you… I forgot my pencil case so, do you have a spare pen? That I could borrow?...” She looked him up and down, face blank.
“I’m really sorry for b-b-bothering you.” He stuttered, feeling the embarrassment creep up his neck. After several long seconds, the girl shook her head.
“No english.” Her accent was thick, and Evan’s heart sunk.
“Right. Sorry.” She turned back around and continued tapping at her phone. How she expected to take the class if she didn’t understand a word of english was beyond him.
He was left with the other option. To his left, right in the corner, sat a pale, sharp boy with long brown hair. His dark clothes dwarfed him and the hair swept over his face, covering his eyes. He was hunched over a book, and looked even more unapproachable than the girl had been. Evan could see flashes of white by his ears. Wearing headphones was a universally recognised sign of do not bother me , but Evan had no other choice. He steeled himself, gripping at his shirt with one hand and tapping the boy's shoulder with another.
The boy looked up at Evan, his eyes hard and narrow.
“What the fuck do you want.” If possible, the boy curled in on himself even more, like he was expecting Evan to lash out at him.
“Uh, I just… I’m sorry, I l-l-left my pencil case at home… which is so stupid I know, I’m so sorry. I just uh, do you have a spare p-pen that I could use?” He waved his hand around awkwardly, before letting it fall heavily to his side. His gaze flickered between the floor and the boy, who was glaring at him. There was a long silence, and Evan was about to give up and just suffer through the lecture without taking notes when the boy spoke.
“Don’t you have like, a laptop or something?” Evan gripped the table. He did have one, but it was sitting at home, too broken to be of any use. He hadn’t bothered telling his mom yet because he knew they wouldn’t be able to afford to get it fixed. Not with the amounting debt from his hospital visits, school fees, and therapy.
“N-no, I don’t… sorry” He murmured, quietly, and the boy looked at him like he had grown a second head. Eventually though, the boy opened up his satchel and pulled a ballpoint pen out, handing it over to Evan.
“Th-thank you, I’m sorry again.” The boy continued to look at him, and Evan wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole.
“You apologise a lot.” The boy noticed, his gaze still hard.
“Sor-”
“Dude.” Evan shrunk onto himself, the hot embarrassment spreading. He was so useless. So useless and gross .
“Seriously, stop it. It’s annoying.” Annoying. Annoyingannoyingannoying .
He was annoying .
I mean, yeah. It was a given. Evan had always known he was that kid that no one liked, and who everyone avoided at all costs because it was just too hard to talk to him through his stutter, and all his annoying ticks. But hearing someone who he had only spoken like, 4 sentences to say it made his blood run cold. Just another reminder of how stupid and useless he was. How he was a burden to everyone around him. He didn’t say it anymore, but he knew that Jared was annoyed by him too. And Alana would never dare say anything, but deep down he knew.
He was just a burden.
Especially to his mom.
His perfect, kind mom. Who picked up extra shifts and put law school on hold for 6 months so that they could afford to send him to the local college. So that he could get the education she never could. Who was never home but only because she worked so damn hard to keep them afloat, and they could still barely pay the bills. If he had succeeded back in highschool, she would be so much more well off right now. She could be vacationing, and dating, and not having to worry about whether she should buy 2 ply toilet paper, or pay the electric bill.
Suddenly, he stood. He couldn’t stay here. He could feel the beginnings of a panic attack forming. There was no way he was going to embarrass himself further and have a full on break down in front of the boy who thought he was annoying. He would probably just laugh and point while Evan writhed on the ground in pain.
Without thinking, he faced the boy, who was still staring at him, but this time with confusion and was that… guilt .
“I h-h-have to go” He winced as his voice cracked and wavered, and Evan practically threw the pen at the boy before turning and running out of the lecture hall, not letting his eyes leave his feet. By the time he pushed through the door there were tears peaking at the corners of his eyes and his vision was swimming. Annoyingannoying annoyingannoying you’re so annoying noonelikesyouwhydoyouevenexistjustkillyourselfyoustupiduselessblob .
He doesn’t notice the boy watching him leave with a guilty look on his face.
September 8th
It’s three days before Evan works up the courage to go back to the class.
After Jared worked him down from the panic attack, they had eaten ice-cream and played video games until their eyes were sore, and Evan felt slightly better when Jared offered to beat the guy up the next time he saw him.
He still didn’t go back the next day, or the next. Instead, deciding to watch the recordings online. It wasn’t the same, but Evan wasn’t quite ready to face the tall boy yet.
On the third day, Alana knocks on his door and briskly drags him out of bed, stating that he couldn’t stay in there forever. She was right, but Evan was scared.
When he walked into the lecture theatre, the boy wasn’t sitting in the corner. In fact, he was nowhere to be seen. Evan breathed a sigh of relief, and sat down in the empty seat next to his. Hopefully, he wouldn’t turn up at all. He unpacked his bag, including his pencil case this time.
Ten minutes after the lecture started, the door clanged open, causing several heads to look up from their work to see the disruption. Including Evan, who turned around just in time to make eye contact with the boy from three days ago, who looked surprised to see him. Evan quickly turned around, keeping his eyes intensely on the teacher up front. He felt the boy walk past him and sit down in the seat by the window. His hands started to shake.
Fortunately, the boy didn’t disturb him, and Evan tried desperately to concentrate on the lecture. The teacher was talking about reproduction… or something. Actually, he had no clue, because all he could focus on was the boy sitting to his left. Was he going to call him annoying again? Was he going to laugh at Evan and call him names and-
“Hey. Psst.” Evan jumped in his seat when there was a voice beside him, causing him to knock over the drink bottle perched delicately on the edge of the desk. The loud clunk when it hit the ground caused almost half the class to whip their heads around, and even the teacher stopped speaking for a second before continuing. Evan shrunk down into his seat and put his head in his hands, feeling the anxiety spread through his body. Couldn’t this guy just leave him alone?
“Shit. Uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” The voice whispered, and Evan frowned. The boy didn’t sound annoyed, or mad. He lifted his head and slowly turned to face him. The boy had his hair up in a loose bun, so Evan could actually see his face and-
Damn .
He was pretty.
Like, really pretty.
Evan pushed the gay thoughts aside and lowered his eyes so he wouldn’t get caught staring at the boys face. The last thing he needed was to be yelled at because the guy was homophobic or something.
“Look um…” The boy trailed off, grasping tight to the straps of his satchel, and let out a soft laugh.
“Uh, I just wanted to say… sorry?” His voice lifted at the end, like he was questioning himself. “Uh, yeah. For yelling at you and calling you annoying. Mostly for calling you annoying. Because I don’t actually think you’re annoying, it just… I…. I was having a bad day.” He shrugged, tapping his pen on the table.
Evan was stunned.
“Uh….” He stuttered, unsure of what to say. “You don’t- you don’t have to p-p-pretend… that I’m not annoying b-because- because IknowIamso- ” The last part came out frantic and Evan turned to face the front again, fiddling with his shirt.
“I was serious. You’re not annoying. I’m just a massive fucking asshole like, all the time…. So.”
“I don’t think you’re an asshole.” The words flowed easily from Evan’s mouth, and the boy next to him froze in surprise, looking him over with apprehension.
“Huh?”
“Well, you apologised. An asshole wouldn’t do that,” Evan shrugged, “And you don’t… you don’t look like an asshole so…” This caused the small smile to grace the boy's slender face. A little dimple forming on his left cheek.
“I’m pretty sure I look exactly like someone who’s an asshole.” Evan turned to face the boy and looked him up and down. He was dressed in the same style as yesterday, with a large denim coat and a black shirt. He was obviously very tall, over six foot, but he always seemed hunched over, like he was trying to make himself small and invisible.
“You look like someone who wants people to think they’re an asshole.” He stated simply, and the boy just stared and stared and stared until Evan became uncomfortable and turned away, trying to listen to the lecturer.
They don’t talk for the rest of the class, until everyone is packing up their things and Evan gets a random bout of confidence.
“Evan.” He spits out. The boy stops moving and turns to him.
“Huh?”
“My name? It’s- it’s Evan.” The boy just looked at him. Evan wanted to disappear.
“Connor.” The dimple on Connor’s cheek widened, and Evan smiled back.
September 13th
Evan spotted Connor before Connor spotted him. He was curled in a beanbag in front of the non-fiction section holding a book in one hand and twiddling a pencil in the other. Every few seconds he would chew his lip and write something on the pages. Normally, this would make Evan angry, but he knew Connor owned that book so really he could do whatever he wanted with it. He often liked to circle little quotes he liked and write commentaries when the characters were being stupid.
He took the time to just observe Connor while he sat. He seemed calm. Evan had found out a few days ago that Connor spent almost as much time in the library as he did. It was a wonder they’d never seen each other before.
Connor had joked that they probably had but just didn’t think each other memorable enough, but Evan silently disagreed. He knew he would have remembered Connor if he had seen him before.
Connor had his hair down today. Every time it fell over his face he would run a hand through it and push it back absentmindedly. Evan smiled and walked over to Connor and sat down across from him.
He froze, and flicked his eyes up, but relaxed significantly when he saw that it was Evan.
“Hey, Evan.” Evan returned Connor’s toothy grin, and Connor stuck the pencil behind his ear before bookmarking the page and stuffing it in his satchel.
“You wanna get coffee? I didn’t sleep at all last night so I’m in desperate need of a pick-me-up.”
“I don’t drink coffee but sure.”
“Why not?”
“Makes my anxiety off the wall. Can’t have tea either. Which sucks because I lived off of tea in sophomore year of high school.”
“I don’t think I’ve had a day without coffee since 8th grade.”
“I believe you completely. It adds to your emo vibe.” Connor scoffed and bumped Evan’s shoulder, before striding ahead with his long legs and holding the door to the coffee shop open for him.
September 18th
“Why do you hang out with me?”
Evan lifts his head to stare at Connor in confusion.
“What?”
Connor just repeats the question, staring Evan down. At first glance, he appears calm and nonchalant, like he just asked Evan about the weather.
Evan knows better.
Connor is firmly grasping the strap of his satchel, something he only does when he’s nervous. He’s standing still, but his fingertips are twitching like he is desperate to scream and fight and throw something.
Connor genuinely wants to know why Evan hangs out with him.
“You’re my friend.” He says simply, but Connor doesn’t relax. If anything he stiffens more.
“But… why.” He whispers, and Evan understands.
“Connor, I’m not going anywhere. I’ve never been this close to someone after such a short amount of time before and like….” Evan let out a sigh, looking down at his shirt.
“I don’t know. Honestly you’re like, way too good for me. You’re smart and funny and thoughtful and just so so so interesting to talk to.” and pretty he thinks to himself, but that’s not something he plans on sharing with Connor any time soon. Connor lets out a breathless laugh.
“Hang on, are we talking about the same person here? I get C’s at best, I’m literally an asshole who pushes away everyone around me and I have the personality of a sheet of paper.” He’s getting defensive, Evan can tell. Connor’s not the kind of person who is used to compliments which is just so unfair because he deserves the world.
“Okay, no. There are so many things wrong with that sentence.” He shifts so that he and Connor are face on, and pushing down the anxiety bubbling in his chest, he stares at Connor with determination.
“You get C’s because you don’t enjoy what you’re studying, which means that you barely turn up to any of your classes. Except enviro sci for some reason, which I know you despise yet you never fail to miss a class-”
“You’re not in my other classes.” Evan pauses, trying to process Connor’s quiet statement.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t go to my other classes because I hate them, yes. But I go to enviro sci because you’re there, and you make everything a hundred times more enjoyable. Which is probably why it’s my best class.” Evan sort of just sits there for a moment, because he knows that Connor likes him; they’re friends and they’ve had this discussion several times. But like, hearing him say it just sends a spark of warmth from his chest all the way down to his legs, and he shuffles slightly.
“Oh.”
There’s silence. Evan doesn’t know what to say.
“You can go on.” He’s being watched intently now, with a gaze that Evan is unfamiliar with.
“If you were studying what you actually enjoyed you would be getting much better grades. I know you, Connor. You read a new book every week, and you’re secretly a huge nerd who knows a little about everything like I do. And anyways, intelligence isn’t just grades. You’re very life smart.” They both chuckle at that. It’s common knowledge that Connor has had to drag Evan out of a few sticky situations already.
“And you really need to stop calling yourself an asshole. I know you’ve said and done awful things in the past, but I also know that you regret those things. I also know that you have depression, Connor. And that your shitty family life has meant that you’ve only really bottled up those feelings until they exploded, which leads to you lashing out at people when they don’t deserve it. That doesn’t make you an asshole, that doesn’t make you unfixable or unfriendable. And it certainly doesn’t make you broken. You’re just sick. Very sick, and you need help. And that’s okay.” Evan finishes his speech with an awkward gesture of his hands before they flop onto his lap. Now that his fit of passion was over, he felt very apprehensive about everything he had said. What if he had offended Connor? What if he had messed everything up by being so open? What if Connor thought he was weird for noticing and psychoanalysing him when they’ve only known each other for two weeks?
Without warning, Connor jerks forward and pulls Evan into a hug.
It’s awkward. They were sitting a few feet from each other, and neither had the foresight to move forward enough, so there’s a large gap between their bodies and Evan is like, pressed into Connor’s sharp shoulder and Connor’s arms are around his neck while Evan’s are sat awkwardly at Connor’s side.
But Connor is holding him so tight. Like he’s afraid that if he lets go Evan will just disappear. It’s warm, and Evan doesn’t want Connor to let go. He wants to stay here in the awkward embrace until the sun dies and the earth burns.
“Thank you.” Connor’s voice wavers.
And it’s enough.
September 21st
Connor is having a Bad Day. That much is obvious when Evan asks him if he’s okay and Connor screams in his face before storming away.
Evan remembers being afraid of Connor when they first met, but only because he had been kind of an asshole. Except, Connor wasn’t an asshole, Evan stands by that. He can still act like one sometimes though.
Connor is on new meds, which turns his sleeping schedule upside down, causing his feelings to go haywire. He bottles it all up, and this morning must have been a breaking point for whatever reason.
After a few hours, he flicks a text to Connor saying omw over , and heads to the library. After asking Mrs Norton - really dear, it’s been two years, you must start calling me Darcy sometime soon - for some more recommendations, he checks out a few books for him and Connor. He also grabs a large black coffee from their favourite little coffee truck, as well as a glazed donut because when is sugar a bad thing.
He stops by his apartment before heading to Connor’s.
“Evan! You’re just in time to help me crush Alana at Super Mario Odyssey!” Jared’s high-pitched voice floats through the kitchen, and Evan lets out a soft laugh as he makes his way into the living room to find Jared, Alana, and Zoe sitting on a pile of blankets and cushions.
He just really loves his friends.
“Ooh did you bring me a present too?” Evan holds his stuff close to his chest, scrunching his nose at Jared.
“Sorry, I can’t stay. Connor’s had a bad day so I’m going to see him.” Jared just rolled his eyes, but Zoe perked up from beside Alana, looking nervous.
“I swear you spend every waking second with that boyfriend of yours. When do I get to meet him and absolutely destroy him at video games?” Jared stood from his seat and eyed Evan.
“First of all, he’s not my boyfriend. Second of all-” The snickering from the pile of blankets cut him off, and he scowled.
“Please. We all know you have a huge gay crush on him. Just admit it!” Evan chose to ignore his friends in favour of popping into his bedroom to grab his hoodie.
“Evan?” Zoe stood at his door, chewing her fingernail and looking worried. “Is… is he okay? He came by this morning and had a big fight with dad and…. And I missed most of it because I was calling Lana but it seemed pretty bad.” She trailed off.
“Just… text me when you know if he’s okay.” She turned and fled the room. Evan was torn. He knew Zoe genuinely cared about her brother, but after so many years of separation and fighting and yelling, Connor was convinced she wanted nothing to do with him. Which was fair, she had yet to stand up for him against their parents.
But also…
Zoe was trying, she was genuinely trying. Connor had been telling him the other day about how she was talking to him more and yelling at him less. Both of them had made mistakes in the past, and both of them still were making mistakes. It was going to take a lot more than Evan relaying messages between them to fix their relationship.
With a sigh, Evan exited his bedroom, vowing to think about the subject later that night.
There’s still no reply from Connor when Evan knocks on his front door, and he can feel the anxiety trickling at his throat. Connor doesn’t want you coming over. Connor wants to be alone you’re just going to annoy him and make him angrier. He doesn’t like you why do you even try you’re a failure everyonehatesyouwhatareyouevendoing-
There’s a notification on his phone.
Connor: come inside
Evan pressed gently on the door and it creaked open. The entire apartment was dark and cold, and all of the curtains were closed. This made Evan furrow his brow. Connor hated his apartment being dark. Only when he was sleeping did he turn all the lights off, and even then he had battery lights sitting at different corners to use if he needed to leave his room at night.
The door to Connor’s bedroom was slightly open, and Evan made sure to knock when he approached.
“Connor? It’s me.” He whispered, leaning his head against the door. There was some shuffling from inside and then a voice.
“Come.” Connor’s voice was croaky and quiet, and it sounded like he had been crying for several hours. The sound made Evan’s heart drop, and he pushed the door open and stuck his head through the gap. Connor’s room was also dark, and there were papers strewn all over the floor. He immediately walked towards the small heater sitting in the corner and flicked it on, before leaning over and turning the bedside table light on to give the room some light.
Connor was hidden under his duvet, only the top of his head visible. He didn’t move when Evan sat gently on the edge of the mattress. Evan felt anger fester at his edges. It was so so so unfair; why did Connor have to deal with this every day? He didn’t deserve the shithole that got dealt to him.
Evan absentmindedly lifted his hand and began to stroke Connor’s head, running his hand through his hair gently. They sat like that for almost ten minutes before Connor shifted, rolling over and letting his eyes poke over the top of the duvet. Evan felt the anger hit him harder when he caught a glimpse of Connor’s red eyes and cheeks, but simply smiled at him and began to chatter.
“I took the liberty of asking Mrs Norton for some more book recommendations because I knew you were running out. Now, you can’t write in these ones, but I was thinking maybe you could use these post-it notes I found on my desk and then just take them off before you return the books. I also got you a large coffee because I know you’ve been sleeping the past few hours and you might need something to wake you up.” He placed the bag of books on the ground before setting the still hot coffee down on the bedside table. Almost instantly, Connor’s thin wrist reached out from under the blankets and grasped the coffee before sitting up slightly and bringing it to his lips.
“ Oh and I also grabbed this donut they had - and I checked it’s dairy free don’t worry - because it looked so good and I thought we could maybe share it? And like, watch a movie or something? I was thinking about it on the drive over here and I think we should watch a disney movie; maybe Tangled? Something that’s good but fun, ya know? I don’t think either of us feel like watching anything depressing or scary at the moment.” Connor was sitting up now, and Evan was able to get a good look at him.
His hair was ruffled, eyes were bloodshot, and there were pillow marks on his cheek from sleeping for too long on one side. He just looked so exhausted, and Evan felt the smile on his face falter. Connors long sleeves covered his fingers which were wrapped around the coffee cup and his knees were almost up to his chin now.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Evan whispered, and Connor instantly shook his head, fiddling with his sleeves.
Evan nodded in understanding.
“Tangled?” Connor’s head shot up, his eyes wide and staring right into Evan’s soul. The pair sat opposite each other in silence. Connor’s eyes began to fill with an unrecognisable emotion, and he almost seemed overwhelmed.
The dimple crinkled.
Connor’s whole body shifted, and he straightened his spine, almost as if he had come to… come to some sort of realisation? Evan wasn’t sure.
Connor smiled.
“Tangled.”
October 3rd
It’s a few weeks later before Connor finally meets the rest of Evan’s friends, and it’s completely unplanned too.
They’re sitting on the couch watching some random movie that was playing on tv, chatting about everything and anything when the front door clicks open.
Connor freezes, and removes his hand from where it had been sitting on Evan’s knee (which like, made Evan’s gay heart cry a little inside) and shuffled over so there was a normal amount of distance between them. He curled up and started fidgeting with his sock, flicking glances between the entrance to the living room and the ground. Evan can hear Jared laughing, and Zoe and Alana talking. He reaches out a hand and uncurls Connor’s from his foot.
“They’re gonna love you.” He whispered, sending Connor a reassuring smile.
“Evan! We’re home- Oh shit. Guys, Connor’s here!” Jared stood at the entrance to the living room with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. Evan quickly pulled his hand back from Connor.
“Jared,” He started tactfully, “this is Connor. Connor, Jared. Play nice, the both of you.” Jared placed a hand over his heart and pretended to swoon.
“Evan you wound me. When have I ever been anything but incredibly kind and thoughtful!”
“Try every day of the damn week, Kleinman.” Alana pushed past Jared, who stared at her with an open mouth as she approached Connor.
“I don’t think we’ve ever officially met. I’m Alana, Zoe’s girlfriend.” Connor actually smiled, although he still seemed pretty nervous.
“I feel like I’m legally obligated to tell you that if you break my little sisters heart I won’t hesitate to beat you up.” Zoe whipped her head around at Connor’s comment, and Evan realised she fully expected him to be clenched and ready to punch. Instead, Connor is lounging over the couch with a gentle smile (he’s still nervous, but Evan doesn’t think anyone else notices).
Alana simply laughs.
“I’d like to see you try.” Connor’s grin widens.
“Jared Kleinman, Evan’s best friend since kindergarten.” Evan rolls his eyes at Jared’s obvious attempt to outshine Connor. He went to tell him to shut up when Connor spoke.
“Connor Murphy. I hear you think you’re good at video games. I used to play competitively until my father decided I needed to focus on “more important things”.” Evan could see the cogs turning in Jared’s brain, before he turned to him with an awe-stricken look on his face.
“Evan, if you don’t marry this man I will.” Evan blushed and stuttered and his friends just laughed. Before he knew it, Jared and Connor were sitting in front of the tv, booting up Mario Kart. Alana and Zoe were in the kitchen, unpacking groceries and talking quietly to each other. Evan just sat on the couch, a stupid smile on his face.
Damn he just really fucking loves his friends.
Later, after Connor destroys Jared in Mario Kart (which isn’t hard, Jared isn’t actually that good), followed by Alana wrecking all of them because she’s a god), him and Connor are standing in a comfortable silence in the kitchen doing the dishes while the others lounge around in the living room.
“Ev?” Connor mumbles. Evan hums in acknowledgement, testing the temperature of the water before grabbing a few plates and beginning to scrub.
“I just wanted to say thank you.” He stops, turning to face Connor in confusion.
“For everything. I mean… Being my friend, not running away screaming when you saw how fucked up I am-” Evan whined in disagreement, pushing Connor gently
“Okay okay, I’m sorry. I just- I really appreciate you,” he lifted a hand and scratched his neck awkwardly, “So… thanks. And your friends are awesome… I mean, Kleinman’s a dick, but he’s cool.”
Evan observes Connor for a moment. He’d put his hair up to play video games with Jared, but there were a few strands that had escaped the small ponytail and framed his face. Connor was very bony and sharp, and also very very tall. Evan noticed that there was a mole on the left side of his neck. Huh.
Connor is really pretty.
Like, really really pretty .
And suddenly, it hits him like a truck.
Oh .
Oh fuck .
He’s in love with Connor Murphy.
The thought circles around his brain for a good ten seconds. Normally, alarm bells would be ringing and Evan would be having a complete and utter freak out because he’s in love with his best friend?
But instead he’s calm.
Because yeah, he’s in love with Connor Murphy, and it kinda just makes sense . How had he not realised it earlier?
“Ev? You okay?” Evan comes out of his thoughts to find Connor standing in front of him with a concerned look on his face. He must have blanked out for a second.
“Yeah yeah, I’m good.” Connor smiles, reaches out and brushes his fingers against Evan’s and he almost shivers from the feeling it sends through his body. And now he’s torn because Connor is looking at him weird and all he wants to do is grab his face and kiss him senseless.
“Evan.” His voice is breathless, and Evan almost breaks right there and then just from the way Connor says his name. Connor takes a step forward, and their fingers brush again, but this time he grasps them and now they’re holding hands in the kitchen? What the fuck even is Evan’s life right now? Connor is so close he can barely breathe. All he has to do is lean forward and tilt his head upwards and he could kiss Connor Fucking Murphy. And he really really really wants to.
Without warning, Connor seems to catch himself, and he instantly takes a step back from Evan, unlinking their fingers and turning back to the sink full of dirty dishes.
“We should… we should get these done.” Evan’s heart sinks, because now Connor won’t even look at him.
And why would he? There’s no way in hell he would ever like Evan like that. What was he thinking? He was probably disgusted by Evan now.
He can’t get Connor off his mind all night, especially when he starts making excuses and leaves suddenly without a proper goodbye. Evan feels his heart sink. Did he really just lose his best friend in the entire world because he couldn’t keep it in his pants?
October 11th
Jared is beyond pissed .
It’s been eight days since Connor suddenly left almost without an explanation, and Evan’s been upset ever since. As much as he likes to make fun of his best friend, he really is his best friend , and no one fucks over his best friend without consequences.
And then he sees him on campus, the fucking dickwad. Walking around like he didn’t just stomp over Evan Hansen’s fragile heart. Suddenly, Jared can’t stop himself.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Murphy.” To his credit, Connor freezes when he hears Jared, but he doesn’t turn around.
“Do you seriously just think that you can fuck around with Evan for a month and then leave him in the dust and ignore him? Do you actually think that I won’t ruin your fucking life. Seriously, you need to pull out whatever fucking tree is up your ass and go apologise to him real quick.” Jared advances on Connor, poking an accusing finger at him.
“Fuck off Kleinman, you don’t know shit.” Connor went to storm past him, but Jared was persistent. He grabbed Connor’s arm, and the boy whipped around, clearly angry. Jared sighed frustratedly.
“Look, man. I get it. I know you’re in love with him.” Connor blanched, eyes darting all over the place and backing up defensively.
“I- I’m not in love with Evan!” Connor almost shouted it, beginning to look like a scared puppy. Jared rolled his eyes.
“Bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with it, dude. Especially considering he’s in love with you too.” This makes Connor freeze, his eyes almost bugging out of his head.
“I don’t believe you.” He whispers, but Jared can see the hope flickering in his gaze.
“Well it’s the truth. But if you don’t go back and grovel at his feet soon, you’re gonna lose him. Are you really gonna let that happen because what- because you’re scared? Seriously Murphy, screw your head on straight and go get your mans.”
When Evan opens his front door and sees Connor awkwardly standing outside, he’s very tempted to just slam the door in his face. He doesn’t, because somehow even after Connor’s made it very clear he wants nothing to do with him, Evan is somehow still madly in love with him. But he considers it.
“What?” He asks tiredly, standing firmly in the doorway. Connor looks incredibly uncomfortable.
“Look I-” He cuts himself off, looking down and grasping at his bag straps. Evan knows he’s nervous.
“I wanted to apologise.” Evan furrows his brow. This is definitely not how he expected this to go. He knew he would run into Connor at some point, and kind of expected it to all go to shit and end with tears.
“I’ve been the biggest asshole ever- and don’t try to disagree, because I really have been a piece of shit. And there’s no excuse, really. So you don’t have to forgive me, or be my friend again or anything, but I wanted to apologise anyway.” Connor hangs his head in shame, and goes to walk away.
“I forgive you.” He freezes, like he wasn’t sure he had heard Evan correctly.
“I forgive you,” Evan repeats, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not upset at you anymore, and I’m not just gonna let this go. Why, Connor. Why did you just leave like that?” If possible, Connor grips his satchel even tighter, his fingers fidgeting.
“Do we have to do this now?” He croaks.
“Yes.” Evan doesn’t hesitate. Just because he’s anxious and self-conscious doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have self respect, and he knows he deserves an explanation. Connor lets out a shaky sigh.
“Look, if you really dislike me that much just say it, I won’t get offended- well, actually I will, because I really thought you were my best friend and-”
“ I love you! ” Connor yells, reaching out to Evan desperately.
“I-... I’m in love with you.” The sentence hits Evan in the face so harshly he almost stumbles back from pure shock. There’s no way this is real. Connor’s got to be pulling his leg.
But…
He’s never seen Connor look so vulnerable. His whole body is tense, his hands and clenched and his shoulders and almost up to his ears. And his eyes are filled with such emotion that Evan feels his heart thud heavily in his chest. He tries to speak, but nothing comes out.
He can practically see Connor rebuilding up his walls and stepping away from him.
“It’s okay, I know you don’t feel the same way. Don’t feel pressured to say anything you don’t want to. But, you should know. I was just scared. I was so scared because I’ve never had anyone like you before, Evan. Someone so perfect and pure and who just wants me for who I am. Someone who’s there for me in the good times, and the bad. Someone who knows my favourite books and exactly how to make everything better when I have an episode. You’re genuinely the best thing that has ever happened to me and to be honest, it just makes sense that I love you. It feels right. ” Evan can barely breathe . Connor’s just poured his entire heart out to him and he can’t even speak or move. He needs to do something fast, before Connor leaves.
Evan watches the hope leave Connor’s eyes, and how he rebuilds the walls he just knocked down with his speech.
“Right well, I’ll be going then.” Evan panics, he can’t lose Connor now.
“I love you too!” The words fall from his mouth in a frantic rush, instead coming out like Iloveyoutoo but Connor understands perfectly because he freezes in his tracks.
“Y-you really… you really don’t have to say something you don’t mean.” Connor says, trying to keep his voice from wavering but failing miserably.
“No, Connor. I really mean it-”
“I really don’t want you to feel pressured-”
“I don’t feel pressured-”
“Evan seriously, don’t-”
Evan surges forward and grabs Connor’s jacket, pulling him down towards him and kissing him hard on the mouth.
It only lasts a few seconds, and it’s kind of awkward because Connor wasn’t expecting it at all and Evan’s literally never kissed anyone in his life so he has no clue what he’s doing.
He pulls back, keeping a firm grip on Connor’s jacket.
“Connor Murphy, I am so in love with you it’s unbelievable.” He murmurs, watching in satisfaction as Connor shakes, placing his hands on Evan’s hips.
“I don’t deserve you.” Connor whispers, and his eyes are filling with tears now because the boy of his dreams is holding him and kissing him. Evan simply smiles. Connor’s dimple is back in full force.
“Shut up and kiss me.”
He does. Evan almost collapses from the full force of it.
Connor is a very good kisser. One hand is caressing his hip while the other presses on his back and his tongue is doing all sorts of magic and Evan can barely keep up and Connor is just- he’s just perfect .
Connor Murphy, who draws sarcastic notes in the pages of his books, who sticks his tongue out when he’s concentrating. Connor Murphy, who has the cutest fucking dimple on his left cheek, and is incredible at video games. Connor Fucking Murphy who stays up until the early hours of the morning to talk him down from a panic attack.
Connor Perfect Murphy, is in love with Evan Hansen.
It just feels right.