Archive of Our Own ^beta

1. (15)

“Why am I on babysitting duty?” Dazai whines. 

He’s standing outside of the apartment bathroom, looking at Chuuya disdainfully.

“You’re partners,” Mori says. Dazai pouts one more time and hangs up without saying anything else- not that Mori would punish him for it.

“Are you gonna snitch on me if I leave?” Dazai asks.

Chuuya glares at him and doesn’t say anything. Dazai assumes it’s a no- Chuuya knows he would be an asshole about it for months. 

Dazai walks closer, peering into the toilet. “That’s disgusting,” he says, and Chuuya vomits again, blood splashing out of the toilet.

“Fuck off,” Chuuya rasps.

“Trust me, I want to,” Dazai replies stiffly. “Don’t get too much blood on the floor. I’m gonna make you clean it.”

With that, he leaves the bathroom to nap on the sofa.

2. (16)

 Dazai’s plans always prevent Dazai from sustaining major injuries because he hates pain, but Chuuya is free game. 

Dazai is complaining about having to set Chuuya’s leg back into place because Chuuya, as the brawn of the operation, got hit by an Ability that didn’t cut through his skin, but snapped his thigh bone in half. 

Chuuya killed him riding the adrenaline, and collapsed almost immediately. 

(For half a second, Dazai’s heart stopped, because Chuuya had collapsed and didn’t move.) 

is he dead

Dazai had carried him to the safe house (really, it’s just a shed) nearby, bitching under his breath the whole way because at some point, Chuuya had passed out from the pain, and was very heavy. 

Dazai tries to remember what Mori told him about broken bones, but he actively ignores Mori when he talks. He hunts around the safe house and settles for breaking the legs off of a chair and lining two of them up, with Chuuya’s thigh in the middle. It’s crude, and probably shitty, but it’s the best he 

can do

feels like doing. He glances around the room again for anything resembling fabric, but it’s clearly been a while since this place was restocked. 

He could just leave Chuuya’s leg the way it is, but 

he can’t do that

he knows Chuuya would never stop complaining if his leg healed wrong, so. He unwraps part of the bandages on his own leg. He feels repulsed looking at his own skin, scarred and bruised, feels bile crawling up his throat but he yanks down his pant leg and it’s gone and he doesn’t have to think about it.

He wraps the bandage around the top of Chuuya’s thigh and above the knee. He thinks that’s okay. He tries to ignore how revolting his skin feels and leans against the wall next to Chuuya. He wraps his hand around Chuuya’s wrist

i can do this much for you at least, i can silence Arahabaki

and lets his eyes close.

3. (17)

It’s Dazai’s fault again.

Chuuya had been reckless, had thrown himself into the thick of the fight, because Dazai had been caught off-guard and Chuuya acted before he could think. He had taken bullets to the stomach- Dazai had shot the perpetrator but had failed to warn Chuuya. 

Now, Chuuya is in a makeshift hospital cot, slightly propped up, Dazai seated on a stool next to him. Chuuya is biting into a leather strap while Dazai struggles to pick out the bullet fragments. Tears are falling off his face, but Dazai doesn’t make fun of him for it- which might worry Chuuya, but he needs all his focus on these stupid bullets.

(He doesn’t want to upset Chuuya, not really anymore.)

Dazai drops the last fragment on a plate with a light clink and, acutely aware of Chuuya’s eyes on him, tries to thread a needle. His fingers are shaking and he glares at them.

Chuuya lets the leather fall out of his mouth. “Do you know how to stitch?”

“I’ve done it a couple times,” Dazai says instead of ‘yes.’ “Not well, but they aren’t dead, so. Well enough.” He glances at the leather strap on Chuuya’s chest and shoves it back into Chuuya’s mouth. “You’re going to want that.”

“Jesus,” Chuuya mutters.

Dazai pauses and reaches in his pocket, pulling out a small pill bottle and dumping two pills in Chuuya’s hands. Chuuya looks at him, the question written plainly on his face.

“Painkillers,” Dazai says. He avoids eye contact. “I was going to kill myself with an overdose, so you better be grateful.”

i’m sorry this is going to hurt i’m sorry i couldn’t stop it

Chuuya swallows them and taps his fingers nervously. “How long until they kick in?”

“They’re pretty quick,” Dazai says as he finally gets the thread through the needle hole. “A Mori Special. Basically morphine in a pill, but as fast as a syringe.”

“He let you have them?”

“He doesn’t know I have them,” Dazai says, starting on the stitches. “So don’t tell him.”

“You think you pulled a fast one on Mori ?” Chuuya asks, wincing as the needle goes through his skin. 

“He would’ve said something by now,” Dazai says, shrugging. He presses his lips together and glances away. “Now shut up and let me work.”

Chuuya doesn’t say anything else. When Dazai looks up, he realizes it’s because the drugs made him pass out.

4. (18)

They’ve used Corruption again- it was the best way to wipe out the rival organization Mori wanted put down. Dazai is exhausted, but he has one hand holding back Chuuya’s hair while he throws up into a bucket. 

“Are you almost done?” He murmurs, eyes closing. 

“I think so,” Chuuya groans. “It- gets harder every time.”

“I noticed that,” Dazai says. “Did Arahabaki give you a little punch card or something? On the 10th time you die?”

(It’s supposed to sound like a joke, but something in the pit of Dazai’s stomach feels heavy with that thought.)

please don’t die, don’t leave me

“No,” Chuuya says, but he’s cut off by the last bit of blood and bile coming up his throat. “Shit.”

Dazai’s hand moves to Chuuya’s back. “Done now?”

“I think so,” Chuuya mutters. “Can you… help me up? And to the bed.”

Dazai grunts, but he pulls Chuuya up anyway. It feels a little awkward because of Chuuya’s height, but he manages to hold on to him and lays him down on his stomach in case he throws up again. 

Dazai sits on the edge of the bed and stares at Chuuya’s face. Chuuya’s completely passed out now. He looks much less tense. He doesn’t have worry lines. His breathing is rough and uneven, but not labored. There’s still blood staining his mouth and coloring the dark circles under his eyes, so Dazai uses a wet rag to wipe it off. 

you are so easy to read but i don’t know what you think about me

When he’s done, his legs feel like lead and he thinks his arms might fall off. He isn’t sure how long he’s been awake. He looks at the rag- now colored slightly red- and twitches. He throws it on the ground and looks at Chuuya.

“You can deal with that when you wake up,” he says. “Since you’re my dog.”

Chuuya doesn’t reply, not that Dazai expects him to. He flops down on the other side of the bed and even though they’re basically sitting ducks like this, he falls asleep.

5. (22)

Chuuya winces when Dazai holds him down by the back of his jacket. “I can’t protect us from your Ability right now,” Dazai says. “The fog isn’t gone.”

Chuuya lets his head fall in Dazai’s lap. “Okay,” he says before passing out.

When he wakes up, Dazai is still there. Dazai notes the surprise on his face- “Chibi didn’t expect me to stay?”

“You never have before,” Chuuya bites. 

i wasn’t able to deal with my fe

“I figured I should spice it up,” Dazai says. 

Chuuya eyes him warily. Dazai doesn’t really blame him. “Spice it up,” Chuuya repeats.

“Keeps you on your toes,” Dazai says, smiling crookedly. “Are you all right?”

“Well,” Chuuya says, gesturing to their linked hands, “Arahabaki is silent, so yes.”

Dazai hadn’t realized he was holding Chuuya’s hand like that. “Figured it’s the least I could do,” Dazai says. 

“Thanks,” Chuuya says, and he yawns. “You’re gonna leave me soon, though, aren’t you?”

i don’t want to

“Yup,” Dazai says. “Can’t really stay when the Agency members are looking for me. They might get a little suspicious if I’m alone with my Mafia ex-partner.”

“Like you’d ever go back to Mori,” Chuuya mutters. 

That hadn’t quite been the suspicion Dazai was thinking of. “Nope,” he says. “Bye for now, Chibi.”

“Bye,” Chuuya says, and Dazai leaves before he can convince himself to stay

+1 (23)

It wasn’t supposed to happen.

Dazai isn’t quite sure how it happened- Chuuya was coming to help him. He distantly remembers being surprised by an attack- something only Fyodor, maybe Ranpo could achieve- and something incredibly painful happened. 

Dazai’s neck rolls and he looks down and

Oh

sees the knife sticking out of his chest. Well, not right in his chest. It’s a bit under his ribs. He wonders how he’s going to survive this. It’s very bright outside and everything sounds like it’s underwater. 

Am I dead? Dazai wonders. Am I in hell?

“Stay awake, asshole!”

Dazai squints around, trying to figure out who’s talking. He focuses on Chuuya.

Ah, he thinks. Not dead yet.  

(He wouldn’t go to heaven and Chuuya wouldn’t be in his hell.) 

“That fucking Russian,” Chuuya is saying, and he’s shoving something in Dazai’s mouth- Dazai almost chokes, but he swallows it. 

The pain from the knife is coming back.

“Ow,” Dazai mumbles.

“No shit, ‘ow,’” Chuuya snaps. Dazai feels a sudden, solid pressure on his back- he thinks Chuuya is laying him down somewhere?

But then Chuuya isn’t touching him at all. Dazai cracks open an eye. “Chibi?”

“I- it’s under your bandages,” Chuuya says. 

Dazai’s head is starting to wake up, but the pain is dulled. He realizes what Chuuya must’ve fed him. “Is it?”

He looks down again and yes, in fact, the knife is buried in his abdomen. “Ah.” His eyes droop closed.

“Hey! Stay awake! Can you stitch it?” Chuuya asks, snapping his fingers in front of Dazai’s face, and Dazai knows Chuuya isn’t asking that because he doesn’t want to or because he’s lazy, he’s asking because no one has ever seen under his bandages, 

but

Dazai’s head is swimming and if he can’t trust Chuuya, he can’t trust anyone.

He covers his eyes with his hand. “No,” he croaks. “I can’t.”

“Daz-”

“Just do it fast, Chuuya,” Dazai whispers, and he might lose it, he really might freak out and panic if someone else sees just how disgusting he really is, sees how rotten his skin looks and how repulsive it is, sees the parts of him he can’t even stand,

“Okay,” Chuuya says, and he starts peeling away the bandages around the knife. Dazai keeps his eyes covered- he doesn’t want to see Chuuya’s expression, not when Chuuya is seeing Dazai more vulnerable than he’s ever been in his life. 

He wasn’t sure it was possible, but the knife being pulled out was more painful than being stabbed and keeping it in. 

He can’t stay awake. 

When Dazai wakes up, Chuuya is nowhere to be found.

He’s not even sure it was real, or if it was a fever dream. He looks down at his stomach and sees clean bandages- but only around his torso. The rest are still dirty. Dazai moves a couple bandages out of the way and sees a neat row of stitches. Much smoother than anything Dazai could do. Which meant either Yosano had treated him,

or Chuuya had gotten really good at stitching.

He looks around the room. It’s nicely decorated and he thinks maybe Chuuya isn’t gone after all. 

There’s a cane next to the sofa he’s lying on. He stands slowly and uses the cane to stumble around. It takes him five full minutes, much longer than he’d like, to check every room in the apartment. He’s about to leave when the door swings open.

Chuuya is standing in the doorway like a deer in headlights.

“Oh,” he says. “You’re awake.”

Dazai flinches and almost vomits on the spot just thinking that Chuuya’s seen him, really seen him, seen what he hides and what he loathes most in this world-

“Stop thinking so loud,” Chuuya says. He steps forward and Dazai flinches, almost trips over the cane, almost steps away like a coward. “Osamu.”

“You…” 

you’ve seen you’ve seen you’ve seen it aren’t you disgusted why does your face look like that why are you looking at me like that you’ve seen it

“I’m sorry,” Chuuya says. “But I wouldn’t let you die.”

Dazai feels like he’s been caught in a bear trap. “But… I’m… it’s disgusting,” Dazai says weakly. 

Chuuya looks confused, but then his eyes widen and his face smooths. “Osamu,” he says, stepping forward, and this time, Dazai doesn’t avoid it. “They are not ugly.”

he’s lying, chibi was always a terrible liar, definitely lying

but Chuuya’s mannerisms are entirely organic, he isn’t trying to cover tells or dance around a truth, and it’s not like Dazai is great at figuring out what Chuuya feels about him.

Dazai’s eyes close. “Repulsive.”

“They’re not,” Chuuya insists. 

Dazai leans against the wall. How is Chuuya still here? Doesn’t he see a monster? Why is he staying?

“You aren’t…?”

Chuuya takes another step forward. He’s right in front of Dazai. “You think jagged scars make you ugly?”

It’s not just the scars, Dazai wants to tell him. It’s the permanently bruised skin, his gaunt ribs, the bones sticking out of his hips- did Chuuya see that? Did Chuuya see the self-inflicted and accidental scars? Did Chuuya see the evidence of his failures to commit suicide? 

Dazai shudders and opens his eyes. Chuuya is looking at him intently. Dazai lets his head drop on Chuuya’s shoulder and wrap around his waist. Chuuya freezes- he wouldn’t have expected that, Dazai didn’t even know it was happening until it already happened. Chuuya’s arms come up and around Dazai’s shoulders, holding him.

“And if it hadn’t been me?” Chuuya asks.

Dazai’s laugh is chalky. “I would have let the knife kill me.”

Chuuya sighs and Dazai can almost hear him furrowing his eyebrows. “I’m glad it was me, then.”

“Yeah,” Dazai murmurs. “Me, too.”

“Scars don’t make someone ugly,” Chuuya murmurs into Dazai’s ear. “I have them, too, you know.”

i do know it’s my fault that half of them are there

“It’s not just scars,” Dazai whispers, so quietly he half-hopes Chuuya can’t hear him.

Chuuya’s hand reaches higher and threads into Dazai’s hair at the base of his neck, holding Dazai closer-

“I know,” he says simply. “But none of it makes you ugly.”

Dazai wishes he could know how Chuuya feels about him like he knows how anyone else feels about him, but he can’t-

“Je t’aime,” Dazai murmurs, his voice cracking.

Chuuya freezes. He pushes Dazai back by his shoulders and Dazai keeps his neck limp, staring at the floor, and he thinks this might be enough to really push him over the edge-

“I love you, too, idiot,” Chuuya says.

Dazai looks up cautiously. “You love me ?” He asks.

impossible

Chuuya laughs. “Yeah, I was surprised too. You’re kind of a jackass. But the heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.”

“Oh,” Dazai breathes. 

he loves me he loves me

He chuckles. “Aha. Okay.” He puts his head on Chuuya’s shoulder.

“You hanging in there?” Chuuya asks, amused.

“I really… wasn’t sure, that’s all,” Dazai mutters. “You’re surprisingly good at hiding your feelings. About me, anyway.”

“I’m not,” Chuuya says dismissively. “You’re just ridiculously insecure. The years of me putting my life in your hands wasn’t a hint? If anything- I was the one who wasn’t sure. Not until you let me see under your bandages, anyway.”

Dazai huffs. “That’s what my declaration of love looks like?”

“Has anyone else seen?” Chuuya counters.

“No,” Dazai answers softly. “Just you.”

“Yeah,” Chuuya says. “Just you, too.” 

With that, he holds Dazai’s hands and stands on his tiptoes to kiss him.