Work Text:
As a rule, Tsutomu stays out of romance. It’s burdensome, potentially painful, takes time away from volleyball, and many other irritating or unpleasant things. And really, it’s not like he’s missing out on that much. Like, what’s the hype about pressing your mouth to someone else’s? That seems unnecessary and a little gross, not to mention the whole concept of having someone else’s tongue in your mouth which is definitely more like a lot gross. Holding hands, the whole ‘heart fluttering, knees weak’ deal; where’s the upside? He’s never got it.
Well.
That’s not exactly true anymore. He kind of gets it now.
But okay, really, that’s still not fair. How big of a crush can you develop on someone in less than a week, anyway? Not that he has a crush on someone, no, that would be dumb. He barely knows the guy; there’s no way he has a crush on him. Yeah.
But then there’s the heart fluttering and there’s the weak knees and oh, for the first time he wants someone else’s mouth on his and it all seems so appealing all of the sudden— but that’s dumb, because he barely knows the guy.
He’s a little silly, Tsutomu supposes, the guy he likes. Tall, with about four times the amount of enthusiasm you’d think should be able to fit inside his body. Clumsy, but in a charming sort of puppy-dog way that makes you want to pat his head and tell him he did a good job.
But then there’s his laugh, the way his eyes squeeze shut and this sound that embodies his joy bursts forth, bright and loud, just like everything else about him does. There’s his drive to be better, the fact that every time his upperclassmen told him he was an amateur or distractible or hopeless, it only made him want to work harder and practice more. His generosity, his passion, his never ending kindness. And he gives the warmest hugs.
(Sure, his hair is a little silly but Tsutomu will let that one slide)
He’s strong, too, and Tsutomu would bet that he could overpower Tsutomu nearly effortlessly if he wanted. He could push Tsutomu against a wall and keep him there, every inch of their bodies pressed together and his eyes would be dark and his gaze would be hungry when he’d lick his lips and—
Tsutomu rolls over and pulls his pillow tight over his head, as if he could block out that incredibly embarrassing daydream with downy cotton. God, what is wrong with him? He barely knows Koganegawa. It’s stupid to have a crush on him. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t.
(Maybe if he repeats the words enough, they’ll become true.)
But it’s interfering with his focus, now; his playing is taking a hit. Literally, it seems, as Tsutomu was distracted by thoughts of Koganegawa and took a ball to the face today at practice. But in the less literal sense, his eyes are drawn to the other court, to the strain of Koganegawa’s thighs and calves at the very end of practice, the way they tremble just a little before he jumps for the hundredth or thousandth block he’s done that day and that means that Tsutomu doesn’t connect right with the ball. Koganegawa wrapped Karasuno’s number 11’s fingers once and Tsutomu couldn’t help but stare at the way his hands moved with a foreign tender gentleness, one that smoothed the medical tape across the digits he knew were aching with such care that Tsutomu didn’t stop thinking about it all day, the fact that Koganegawa is capable of touching like that.
So, Tsutomu has to do something about this.
He really, really doesn’t want to. The idea of telling someone— anyone about this situation makes him wanna itch himself out of his skin, but it has to be done because now it’s interfering with volleyball and that can’t be tolerated.
But, after many minutes spent staring at a wall, he can only imagine one person to talk to. He’s kind of the worst person possible.
But Tsutomu has to solve this, so he flips his comforters off and pulls on a hoodie and walks down the hall, up two flights of stairs and down the second hallway to the left and stops outside the fourth-to-last room, room 309. He knocks twice.
Ushijima Wakatoshi opens the door, eyes groggy with 1:00 AM sleep. He blinks. “Ah, greetings, Tsutomu-kun.” Per usual, he asks no questions as to why Tsutomu is showing up outside his dorm in the middle of the night.
“Hello, Ushijima-senpai. There is a matter I have to discuss with you; is that okay?”
Ushijima simply nods, then steps aside for Tsutomu to enter the room. This too is usual: organized to the dime, every worksheet in place and textbooks centered on the little white desk that was tossed into the corner of the room as an afterthought. And, of course, a dozen thriving houseplants.
“I suppose you must have a good reason if you are coming to see me at such an extreme hour,” Ushijima prompts once the door clicks shut.
Tsutomu wrings his hands out, heart in his throat. “Uh, yes; it’s actually about—” Tsutomu squeezes his eyes shut, “romance.”
Ushijima’s expression doesn’t twitch. “Romance,” he repeats. “Then why have you come to me?”
Tsutomu’s demeanor dissolves. “Well, it’s, he— I have to practice with him now because of the training camp and that’s, uh, distracting—” oh god, someone smack him, “and I thought you might, um, know something about how to deal with— that…” Can he maybe stop existing, please?
But Ushijima doesn’t snap at him or get offended, thank god, he just hums, then says, “So, you wish for advice based upon my past experiences with Satori, correct?”
Tsutomu nods sullenly, face glowing red, gaze glued to the floor. “Yeah, that’s right.”
“Tsutomu-kun.”
Tsutomu lifts his head and meets Ushijima’s eyes, reluctantly. “Who is the boy that you are lusting after?”
Tsutomu flushes at the wording. “The- uh, the Dateko boy, Koganegawa Kanji.”
Ushijima huffs a small laugh, lips turned upwards ever-so-slightly, startling Tsutomu. “Ah, the Dateko boy. He and Satori have things in common.” He tilts his head, then continues, “Perhaps one could say that you and I have the same ‘type.’”
“ What.” Tsutomu just about falls on his face.
“My apologies; did I not use that word correctly? I was sure that I had understood it…” Ushijima says. “Well, I suppose it does not matter much, assuming that you were not offended. Were you?”
“No, no, it’s okay, Ushijima-senpai.” No, it’s not okay. It’s definitely not okay. It’s like if your dad told you you and him had the same type.
Oblivious to Tsutomu’s inner turmoil, Ushijima begins to speak again. “You have come here for advice, so I will deliver. I believe that the most efficient way to address distraction during practice is to confide your feelings in the subject of your affections. This was the most effective strategy that I used with my attraction to Satori.”
Tsutomu hides his face in his hands. “But everyone knew that Tendou-senpai would say yes. ”
“Is that so?” Ushijima blinks. “I was not aware.”
“ How.”
“That is beside the point. I… I believe that you do not have to be accepted in order to prevent distraction.”
“Oh,” Tsutomu says, and it comes out as barely more than a breath.
“Is that all?” Ushijima asks.
“Yeah, that’s all.” Tsutomu forces a smile. “Thank you, Ushijima-senpai.”
“You are welcome.”
Right as Tsutomu is about to close the door behind him, Ushijima says, “And Tsutomu-kun?”
“Yes?”
“Please do not come see me again at one in the morning. I do prefer to sleep a full night of rest.”
This time, Tsutomu doesn’t have to fake his smile. “Of course, Ushijima-senpai.”
This seems simple enough. Confess his feelings, get rejected.
So why does his heart clench hard at his chest with claws of ice when he imagines telling Koganegawa how he feels? Tsutomu can see the look on his face; he’d be confused at first, his brows drawing together just a little bit, then his mouth would twist and he’d say ‘I don’t feel the same way, sorry,’ with a voice like tin, then he’d turn his back and that’d be it, the end of their relationship. He’s wondering if he’s willing to give that up.
But this is one barely-friendship that’s causing this huge distraction from volleyball, the sport he’s poured hundreds of hours of work and soul into over many years of his life. Volleyball is more important, period.
Maybe that’s why he says it then, in the middle of practice in the middle of the gym in the middle of a regular day. He doesn’t just march up to Koganegawa, no, Koganegawa is already talking to him and he just blurts it out, like an idiot.
“So I was thinking maybe we could hang out in your dorm this afternoon!” Koganegawa is saying to him, his words tripping over each other. “I mean, just to like, play video games an’ stuff. You have video games, right Goshiki-kun?”
“I have a crush on you,” Tsutomu says and for some reason it comes out totally level and calm, despite the fact that every alarm possible is going off inside his body.
And Koganegawa just… blinks? Then he says, “Okay, so what time should I come over?” and just keeps talking as though Tsutomu didn’t say anything at all.
And this is not at all what Tsutomu imagined confessing would be like, because Washijo-sensei calls them back from break and practice starts back up again and it all becomes normal. Did he even speak? Was the conversation real?
Maybe not, because Koganegawa’s behavior literally doesn’t change at all. Everything is exactly the same. His focus, his social presence, his excitement, it’s all perfectly in place and that tilts the scales very heavily towards ‘the conversation was not real.’
But then he shows up at 5:00 PM at Tsutomu’s door with a big smile and a bag of chips, which tilts the scales back to ‘the conversation was probably real.’ But, since the conversation was real, that means that Tsutomu confessed his feelings and Tsutomu was rejected, and this is simply Koganegawa’s way of showing that their friendship will continue as usual.
And that's okay; Tsutomu went into this knowing that he would be rejected and the idea that he might get to keep this, this fragile friendship that's only a week old makes him want to smile and maybe laugh with relief, but there’s something else, too. Like the day that Washijo-sensei made them wear two-pound ankle weights for an entire practice, but this time they’re around his heart instead.
He beats Koganegawa at Mario Kart for the third time in a row and Koganegawa throws a pillow at him, his smile wide and Tsutomu’s heart skips a beat (but the ankle weights weigh him down). Tsutomu tries to balance three chips at once on his nose and they keep falling off but every time they do Koganegawa laughs and that makes it worth it (but the ankle weights exhaust him). They’re lying on the floor with their eyes on the ceiling, the words ‘never have I ever’ echoing between them and every new tidbit of information he learns about Koganegawa makes him feel like he can fly (but the ankle weights constrict him). Every second is as hard as twenty, and Tsutomu doesn’t know how much longer he can go.
But despite that exhaustion, that constant strain and ache, Tsutomu doesn’t want this evening to end. Just him and Koganegawa and ‘never have I ever,’ until the universe dies.
“Never have I ever…” Koganegawa’s brow scrunches a little as he thinks, which is cute in ways Tsutomu can’t begin to explain. They’ve shifted around with the bright square of sunlight that moved across the floor until it disappeared all together, and now Tsutomu lies on his bed while Koganegawa takes his desk chair, leaned back and spinning. “Never have I ever edited a wikipedia article to win an argument over something I knew I was wrong about.”
Tsutomu looks at him, then slowly lowers a finger and Koganegawa bursts out laughing.
“ No shit ? Are you serious?” he says in between breaths and Tsutomu blushes, spluttering.
“It was one time! ” he pouts indignantly but he can’t deny that he’s fighting back a grin of his own and Koganegawa looks so beautiful right now with his joy on display that it doesn’t matter at all.
(But those ankle weights that never leave)
“It’s okay, I believe you, Goshiki-kun,” Koganegawa smiles and it’s so soft and sweet that Tsutomu doesn’t even remember that he’s supposed to ask a question now, he just stares at this beautiful boy in front of him. “Oh, crap, dinner’s closing soon! We gotta go!” He says it loudly and suddenly and Tsutomu’s just barely functioning enough to reply, “Uh, okay.”
But then there’s the exhaustion, that constant strain and ache and Tsutomu knows he has to end this hangout. “Actually, my cafeteria card can get me a boxed dinner later and I’m not really hungry right now, so you go on ahead, okay?”
Koganegawa frowns and his eyes go all sad and something tells Tsutomu that if he had dog ears, they’d be drooping right now. “Oh. Well, see you tomorrow then!”
Tsutomu has only a split second to wonder why he said the words so loud before he realizes that Koganegawa is moving towards him and then there’s something very very close to his face and he can feel a shaky exhale across his cheeks and holy shit, Koganegawa is kissing him.
He barely even processes it because he shrieks “ What was that?!” as soon as Koganegawa pulls away a split second later and Koganegawa turns bright red.
“You said you had a crush on me!” he yells back, eyes squeezed shut.
“I do!”
“Then what’s the problem?!”
“I thought you rejected me!” Tsutomu shouts and his voice breaks a little, but he holds his ground.
Koganegawa pauses at that and he blinks, eyes trained on Tsutomu. “Why would I do that? You’re amazing!”
Tsutomu’s brain short-circuits. “I-- I—” and then he grabs his pillow and yanks it over his face because this is all way too much to process.
He feels Koganegawa tap him on the head and he looks up slowly, eyes hidden behind his bangs.
“Hey, you okay?” Koganegawa asks and his voice is soft in a way that makes Tsutomu’s heart skip a beat.
“Just… why would you accept someone like that?” Tsutomu asks quietly.
“Why would you confess to someone like that?” Koganegawa replies, but there’s no accusation behind the words, only confusion.
“Just— because... “ Tsutomu squeezes his eyes shut, “ You're really distracting, okay? You’re really pretty, and you have this huge presence I can’t ignore and I’m just always thinking about you in practice instead of practice and it’s bad because I need to focus on volleyball but instead I’m focusing on you and I’ve poured so much into volleyball but instead there’s just you and your adorable smile and your laugh but Ushijima-senpai said he was relying on me to lead this team in my third year so I have to work as hard as I can but then I’m thinking about you and—”
“Goshiki,” Koganegawa’s mouth is pressed into a thin line and his cheeks are so very red but he keeps his voice relatively steady. “As nice as it is hearing you gush about this, I need you to focus right now.”
“R-right, sorry…” That was incredibly embarrassing, so he takes a deep breath and moves on. “I just needed to find a way to stop thinking about you so much, and it’s not like I was expecting you to reciprocate, either…”
There’s a pause, then.
“Goshiki, when you said you liked me, I’ve never been more shocked in my life.”
“Huh?” Tsutomu says intelligently. Koganegawa isn’t looking at him and his eyes are lidded, maybe a little bit sad.
“People always reject me when I ask them out or say I like them. I’ve never had anyone say yes, so I had no idea how to myself. So I just said ‘okay.’” he laughs then, but it’s strained. He meets Tsutomu’s eyes. “But then it’s you, and you’re strong and you’re skilled and you’re beautiful and I had no idea what to do. Goshiki, I’ve been so nervous this whole time, you have no idea.”
“Kiss me again,” Tsutomu whispers.
“What?”
“Kiss me again, please. And this time, do it for long enough that I can kiss back.”
And then Koganegawa’s whole face lights up, his eyes and his smile is so wide, so much brighter than the desk lamp that lights the room. “Okay,” he says and then he’s leaning in again and Tsutomu’s eyes slide shut and Koganegawa’s lips meet his.
This time, the world stops turning and he gets the chance to really process it, how it feels like he’s infinitely close to Koganegawa in this simple little moment. How he can crack his eyes open and there Koganegawa is, with a blush high on his cheeks and his jaw fits so nicely under Tsutomu’s palms like it was made to be there. How his hair is fluffy and a little knotted, thick even in the back where his head meets his neck and Tsutomu’s fingers can get lost in it as though they belong there. How his lips are softer and warmer than Tsutomu ever expected they could be, and how they tremble ever so slightly before they part to kiss him again.
It’s so painfully obvious that neither of them have a clue about what they’re doing, but that doesn’t matter in the slightest because this is so nice and perfect that Tsutomu wouldn’t change a thing.
And he’s a little silly, Tsutomu thinks, his boyfriend. Tall, with about four times the amount of enthusiasm you’d think should be able to fit inside his body. Clumsy, but in a charming sort of puppy-dog way that makes you want to pat his head and tell him he did a good job.
But then there’s the look in his eyes right as he pulls back from a kiss, soft and warm and so excited to be right where he is. There’s the sound of his voice when he breathes out a little “Wow,” with a giggle, and there’s the brightness of his smile when he pulls Tsutomu close and into a hug. His generosity, his passion, the feeling of his hand in Tsutomu’s.
So, yeah, maybe it’s stupid to have a crush. Maybe it’s dumb to like someone so much after only a week, enough to date them.
But you know what?
Tsutomu’s going to do it anyway.