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The tears were streaming down her face freely, and she made no attempt to wipe them away. This was normal; she was used to having puffy eyelids, chapped lips, a red face. There was no point in trying to avoid them anymore. The tears would always come.
But the tears were only a fraction of the pain that the endured. The dreams, the memories — they both served to make her miserable.
But now, sitting in the bathtub of the apartment she had moved into two months prior, the memories were flooding her brain more than they ever had.
”James, I can’t,” she whispered. The boy — no, the man — she was speaking to looked more broken than he ever had, sitting on one knee with the most beautiful ring she had ever seen slipping from his fingers.
Tears filled his eyes and her heart clenched. She was filled with so much sadness that she didn’t deserve to feel. Instead, she deserved nothing more than self-hatred for what she was doing to the man who had given her nothing but his all.
She was terrified, selfish, and angry at herself. He was everything she wanted, everything she needed. He was a drug that she knew that she had formed an addiction toward, yet she knew that it was unfair to promise herself to him when she had even an inkling for doubt. She wasn’t ready to give up her freedom, but even more: she didn’t want to fail him. She wasn’t ready for a family, yet she knew that he wanted one with her more than anything. She wasn’t ready to tie herself down to one place, much less one person.
She knew that there would never be anyone but James. She knew that, she did. She knew that he should have been it for her. But her stubborn, unkempt mind told her to run. She was a coward, a selfish coward, for what she was doing to him. But she did it anyway.
And so she packed her things as he watched on, pleading quietly with tears streaming down how cheeks. Her expression matched his — pained and broken, yet she packed on, discreetly grabbing a few pictures off of the mantle as she picked up her books. By 5:30, she was gone.
Now, she was ice cold, sitting in hour-old bath water, the only heat coming from the salty tears that covered her cheeks. She missed him. God, she missed him so much. She knew that she had made a mistake before she had even reached her car that day in December, but she had been too ashamed to turn back, to admit that she was just stupid and stubborn. That she was just scared.
She picked up her phone from where it sat beside her and looked at the time. 7:30 P.M. She knew that James ran the old track every day, starting at 7:45 and ending exactly and hour and a half later.
She abruptly stood up, draining the bath and covering herself with a towel. She ran to her small closet that was still littered with boxes and managed to find a brown jumper and a pair of jeans, throwing them on and only pausing to make sure that neither item were inside out. She pulled on her boots and laced them up before walking to her mirror.
Her hurry was slowed when she looked at herself. Her under-eyes were a shade of purple due to her constant lack of sleep, her eyes red from the tears and her cheeks slightly swollen. She knew that, in a less frantic state, she would have at least put some concealer over the purple crescents that gave her mental state away, but she couldn’t be bothered then. But her reflection did cause her to stop and stare at the ghost she had become. She wasn’t familiar with the girl in the mirror. Her cheeks were sullen and paler than usual, and it was obvious that she hadn’t taken care of herself. Marlene and Mary had berated her while Alice had tried to comfort her, but both were pointless, though appreciated.
Her mum had called her multiple times and, weeks later, she finally picked up. It didn’t take much coaxing from her mom to convince her to spill everything that she was feeling. She told her mother that she loved James more than anything in the world and she hated herself for leaving him. She explained that leaving James meant leaving Sirius and Remus and Peter, three of the four boys that she had packed up and moved from Oxford to Seattle with. They had experienced everything together, and along the way Lily had found herself completely engrossed in everything that was James. She talked about how there would be no more spontaneous hiking trips with James, no more laughing in the rain as it drenched them, no more anything. Her mum had told her everything that a mum was supposed to, yet Lily still felt miserable. Maybe she always would.
She shook her head and checked the time again. An hour had already passed by the time that she clipped up her long hair, and she made her way downstairs and to her car.
She had no idea what she would say to him, and she still had no idea as she pulled up the the track of the old middle school. There was only one other car in the lot — the 1982 Range Rover that James had bought the day that their plane landed in Washington. That car had been his pride and joy since the day that he first sat in the passenger seat, and seeing the it caused her to feel another wave of emotions roll over her. James had kissed her for the first time, leaning over the center console to cradle her face in his hands. Sitting in the back of the car, Lily had told him that she loved him. There were so many firsts that had taken place within the old car, and Lily had to wipe the tears away before they could really fall.
She sighed and looked at her dashboard. 8:40. Lily composed herself before stepping on to the gravel drive that led all the way to the bleachers. She followed the drive and walked up the metal stairs to the first row of bleachers. As she sat down, she saw James running on the opposite side of the turf, headphones in as he stared at the ground. His hair was the same mess that she used to love running her fingers through and his cheeks were as red as they were when she peppered kisses all over his face.
Just seeing him made her heart clench and her mind spin. She looked down at the metal below her and held her head in her hands. What am I doing here? Why am I doing this to myself? To him? She didn’t know the correct answer, but she knew that she had to, for some reason or another, she had to see him again. Had to apologize.
Lily took deep breaths to stop her head from spinning completely out of her skull. The tsunami taking place in her stomach settled down after a moment, but she had to squeeze her eyes shut to stop the tears from slipping.
Her head snapped up as she heard steps on the metal bleachers near her. Looking up, she saw the man she left behind walking toward her and sitting down. She was sure that she looked like a deer in headlights, but it was impossible not to. He was gorgeous, even when he looked as put-off as he did at the moment.
”What are you doing here, Lily?” he asked, looking straight ahead, at the ground, anywhere but at her. She expected that his guard would be up. She knew why.
It took her a moment to comprehend what he had asked. “I- Uh, I just wanted to talk,” she said quietly. She waited for an answer that never came. Instead, he simply waited for her to continue. After a moment, she continued, “How are you?” She chastised herself mentally for the idiotic question.
James scoffed but answered nonetheless. “I’m perfect, Lily. How could I not be after asking the most important person in my life the most important question and being left in the middle of our home with no explanation? Truly, how could I not be?” Lily flinched, only because she knew that it was true.
Taking a closer look at him, past his pink cheeks and tousled hair, she saw the bruises under his eyes that mirrored her own and the chapped lips. He looked just as bad as she did. She caused a star to burn out, and she would never forgive herself.
”I know,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.” She knew that it was a pathetic, sorry excuse for what she did to him — to someone who had been far too good to her. She knew that he deserved so much more, but she was selfish and wanted to see him. No, needed to see him. It was like her life depended on it.
James finally turned to look at her. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung slightly agape for a moment. “You’re sorry? Do you understand how much you broke me, Lily? I wouldn’t even leave our-,” he cut himself off and corrected what he said. “I wouldn’t even leave my room. You left, but I was still yours. I was always yours, Lily,” he whispered.
Lily felt her eyes burning and the moisture on her cheeks before she realized that the tears had slipped out of her eyes. She choked back a sob as she relived the worst mistake she had ever made. “Don’t you think I know that, James? I was terrified. Terrified of holding you back, terrified of thinking about bringing a kid into this world, terrified of losing you! Why wouldn’t it be easier to leave you instead of lose you? You saw what happened when my mum lost my dad; she broke down and is a completely different person than she used to be. I just couldn’t handle it, James.” She couldn’t make herself look at him, and instead focused intently on the toes of her boots. Her breath was coming out in ragged, visible puffs, but despite the cold, she could feel James’s body heat next to her. She craved it in a way that she knew she didn’t deserve anymore.
James was quiet for a few moments, and Lily felt her shattered heart drop into her stomach. Finally, he sighs and lets out an unamused laugh.
”Lose me? Lily, you’re not going to lose me. That’s not even fair!” he exclaims, suddenly angry. “You were my partner, Lils! We were supposed to talk about our worries, not just make rash decisions and leave the other clueless!” By now, he was pacing in front of her, his hands alternating between his curls and his sweatshirt pockets. It was rare that James was frustrated; Lily was so used to seeing him laidback and calm. This terrified her more than anything ever had. She wasn’t scared of James, she was scared of the thought that she did this to him. She caused him this pain, and she would never forgive herself.
”I’m so sorry,” she sobbed. The tears were impossible to hold back now, yet Lily couldn’t bring herself to be embarrassed. There was no room for embarrassment when there were a thousand other emotions swirling in her mind. “I’m so sorry James. I was scared and stupid and-,” another choked sob cut her off. Suddenly her hands were shaking and her vision was cloudy and there wasn’t enough oxygen making its way into her lungs. This was a feeling that she was familiar with, but that James had only encountered a few times. Still, angry and confused, he hurried to her side, wrapping his arms around her hunched shoulders and tucked his head into the crook of her neck. He didn’t speak, instead he simply held her as she struggled for air and lightly touched her hair.
After a moment, Lily whispered, “I love you.” She felt James stiffen around her, but she continued anyway. “I love you, and I know I don’t deserve to say that to you, but I do. I was daft and scared and selfish. I should have talked to you; I should have told you what I was thinking instead of leaving you behind. I’m so sorry, James. I should’ve-“
”Shh, I know, Lils. I’m sorry. I should have talked to you. I shouldn’t have sprung it on you when you were already stressed about Petunia and Dudley and..” He trailed off as Lily shifted in his arms, meeting his eyes for the first time in months. Before he could continue, she surged forward and kissed him — a kiss full of salty tears and sadness and regret. James returned the kiss with equal fervor, threading his fingers through her fiery strands of hair that hung at the base of her neck.
They kissed until their noses were red and their fingers were numb, until their breaths became one and their minds were hazy.
They weren’t perfect. The following days would be full of talks and apologies, of tears and laughter. But as Lily thought about all that she had almost lost for good — James, the boys, James’s cat who had become just as much hers as he was his, their future — she realized that she was okay. They were okay.
Okay was enough, until they could become James and Lily, Lily and James, once again. They would be more than okay.