Work Text:
As the trees danced along with the autumn breeze, Seonghwa stood near the man whom he loved so dearly. He couldn’t muster his courage to go to that goddamn place before, but now his feet seemed to have talked with his heart and decided to go.
Seonghwa cleared his throat. “Hongjoong, I wrote a poem.”
The deafening silence seemed to have tamed his heart beating so wildly — and so he closed his eyes. And upon closing them, he saw a flash of memories; he realized his wounds which he thought had healed were still open and left untended.
YOU ARE MY BEGINNING
Seonghwa and Hongjoong are roommates in their university’s dormitory room number 204. Seonghwa is a business management student whilst Hongjoong is a music major student. They have a lot of differences yet they managed to be each other’s home.
Seonghwa used to believe his life does not have a purpose. During his first week at the dormitory, he consistenly drank beer in order to sleep. His roommate, Hongjoong, was just observing from the upper bunk bed.
“Hey. Do you want to talk about something?” Hongjoong finally found himself talking to Seonghwa on the first week’s Saturday night.
Seonghwa was taken aback by his roommate’s words. He didn’t expect Hongjoong to approach him like that. “Well, what do you want to talk about?”
Hongjoong got his own beer and offered one to Seonghwa. “I have assumed your alcohol tolerance is hilariously low. Same goes with me. But.... beer?”
Smirking, and almost chuckling, Seonghwa got the beer from Hongjoong. “You’re nice.”
“I am sure you are, too.” Hongjoong genuinely smiled and drank his beer.
Amazed at how a good talker his roommate is, Seonghwa finally decided to open up. The two of them talked about life and struggles. Hongjoong made him realize there is more to life than what he thinks of it.
From then on, Seonghwa began to live.
YOU ARE THE SIGN
“Seonghwa, do you believe in signs?” Hongjoong suddenly asked one peaceful night.
It was confusing at first but Seonghwa grasped what Hongjoong meant that night.
Like, give me a sign you are feeling the same way about us and I’ll tell you I love you? Seonghwa only wished to speak those words but his tongue never did. Instead, he replied with “I am not sure but is it like asking or looking for something to do another thing or to answer a question?”
Hongjoong nodded, “Yes. Well, do you believe in those?” He seemed too curious. He already played with signs a few times— one involved Seonghwa in it.
He asked for a sign if Seonghwa only thinks of him as a best friend and nothing more, and the sign said no. He got delighted but he still asked Seonghwa about it.
To appear coy, Seonghwa answered, “No, I don’t believe in signs. I usually don’t pay attention to them, anyway.”
But in truth, Seonghwa once asked for a sign if he should confess his love for his best friend Hongjoong. It said yes.
“Oh. I should stop believing in signs, too.” Hongjoong scratched his head and sighed.
But Hongjoong, you are the sign I pay attention to every day to live and love. Seonghwa thought to himself.
YOU ARE RED AND ALL COLORS TO ME
Seonghwa’s younger friend Wooyoung kept talking about souls’ colors the whole day that the latter had been thinking about it too, keeping him awake at night.
He sighed heavily. He thought Hongjoong was sound asleep already — he was wrong.
“Seonghwa? Are you still awake?” He heard from the upper bunk bed. “I can’t sleep as well.” Hongjoong’s voice was hoarse due to the night’s cold, still he found it attractive.
“What are you thinking about? Is it about girls?” Seonghwa did not mean to sound so bitter but his mouth betrayed him. So he laughed and added, “Tell me about it.”
Hongjoong smiled, “Tell me what you are thinking of, first.”
“I just have a question. Do you believe in people’s colors? Like we carry colors in our souls and we give off these colors to the people we meet.” Seonghwa asked.
Hongjoong nodded as if Seonghwa could see him. “Yes. You to me are unidentified colors. But you shine the brightest.” He thought he might have spilled his feelings for his best friend.
With a sigh, Seonghwa told him, “I thought I was dull. Thank you, Joong.” His heart was beating so loudly that he got scared of the silence inside their room. He then decided to break it by asking Hongjoong what he was thinking about. “How about you? What are you thinking about? Or who are you thinking about?” He chuckled.
“I cannot sleep because I am being haunted by my own heart. I am so in love, Hwa, but I am so afraid, too. I love someone so much but I don’t think that someone feels the same way. I am such a coward, I know.” Hongjoong tried to lighten up the night’s mood by giggling.
Seonghwa’s heartbeat doubled. He is not sure whether it’s a good thing, though. Is he jealous? Is he happy that his best friend finally found someone to love? Who is that someone, Joong? He kept biting his lower lip to stop himself from asking who.
“Come to think of it, I am in the same situation, too.” Seonghwa sighed. “I am definitely up for new possibilities but I am so scared of risking some things... and people.” Another sigh....and sigh.... “I wish life was easier.”
“Hey, if life was easier, it would be so boring.” Hongjoong laughed but deep inside, he wanted to wrap Seonghwa into a long tight hug. “Alright, let us sleep now. We have to be early for class tomorrow. Good night, Hwa.”
“Good night, Joong.” Seonghwa responded and closed his eyes.
You are red and all colors to me. You painted my life with so much colors. Sometimes you are green, making me calm. Sometimes you are blue, making me think how deep and beautiful you are. Most of the times, you are red to me. You make me feel both love and pain. I love you so much.
If only Seonghwa could utter these words freely — but he just closed his eyes, not even mumbling those wild words, and went to slumber.
YOU ARE MY END
It was a cold rainy night and Hongjoong wasn’t still home. Seonghwa kept calling him but it repeatedly said the number is either unattended or out of coverage area.
But then he remembered Hongjoong telling him this morning that he might arrive late in the evening because he will be practicing for their upcoming recital which is equivalent to their finals.
It’s already 9 o’clock in the evening. Instead of calling him, Seonghwa decided to look for Hongjoong’s practice schedule. He rummaged through Joong’s study table and opened the drawers.
He never found Hongjoong’s schedule but to his surprise, a composition notebook was hidden under his bigger notebooks. It caught his attention because written in the cover were the words “FOR PARK SEONGHWA”.
Seonghwa’s heart skipped a beat. He quickly opened the notebook and scanned through it. The notebook was filled with original song compositions by Hongjoong — songs for Seonghwa.
He read the lyrics of each song carefully, tears forming in his eyes. At the back page of the notebook, it said:
Park Seonghwa, you are my best friend and my home. With you, I am myself the most. With you, I feel at peace. With you, I see my present and my future. Please accept this love of mine.
I love you.
And Seonghwa’s tears streamed down his face. He never expected Hongjoong to write songs about him. And above all, he never expected Hongjoong to be in love with him.
He quickly dialed Hongjoong’s number again and his call got answered on the fourth ring.
“Kim Hongjoong. Go home quickly now. Where are you?” He excitedly said to the other line.
He heard someone coughing, definitely not Hongjoong. “Hello? The owner of this phone has met an accident. He was brought to the hospital but unfortunately, he was dead on arrival. We are sorry.”
At that very moment, Seonghwa’s world stopped and ended.
LOVE, PAIN, AND REGRETS
Reliving those memories, both blissful and painful, made Seonghwa’s heart want to explode.
As he stood there near Hongjoong’s grave, after three years of being lost and living without a purpose yet again, he cried his heart out for the first time.
Regrets came rushing through him like a bullet train, killing him on the inside. He looked at Hongjoong’s grave while holding the flowers he bought at Hongjoong’s favorite flower shop. He sniffed. “Do you want to listen to my poem? It’s quite shitty but here it is.”
TELL HIM
—박 성화—
Tell the man by the grave
something he should’ve known
when he lived.
Tell him he’s blue and also green
for a few;
or even red when it’s for you.
Tell him he made you
laugh and cry at times,
and tell him you actually
believed in signs.
Don’t tell him only now —
f or the flowers won’t reach him
six feet below the ground.
“This is actually a poem for me. But this is also for you. Hongjoong, I love you so much.” Seonghwa cried more and knelt on the ground.
He secretly told this every single moment that he was with Hongjoong. But he regrets not telling him this when he was still living.
He put out a bottle of beer from his bag and instantly opened its cap.
“Hongjoong, this is for us and our love which grew with us as we grew together. This is for the two of us who never found our voices. This is for us who were tricked by time and fate. I love you.”
And he quaffed his beer whilst sitting in front of his love’s grave, revisiting their beginning.