Work Text:
You woke to the sounds of your boyfriend in the bathroom and listened quietly as you heard the shower turning off. You knew his movements as well as your own and could picture his every movement as it happened. You sighed, rolling over to face the other direction. Some undeniable force weighed you down today and you had known this was coming – you’d felt it the night before when the smallest comment had made you snap at Spencer and you had immediately regretted it. Acting out towards those you love was always the first step. All he’d done was comment on how you hadn’t eaten dinner and the only tone in his voice was of concern… but you had taken offense to it anyway. You weren’t a fan of when people pointed out signs of an obvious downward spiral. It wasn’t that you weren’t aware of the facts, it’s just that you had been making a pointed effort to ignore them. You knew it had been a while since you’d had this bad of an episode and you knew you should’ve been trying to stop it… but life had just taken all of the energy out of you lately.
You let your mind wander back to the events of the last few months, though you knew it wasn’t healthy to mourn. You had lost your job and your friends, you had thrown yourself into studying for a test that you failed, and you had felt more alone recently than ever before. A monumental birthday was mere months away and your friends were excitedly talking about their futures all the time… and you were so tired of pretending to be happy. Just the thought of having to fake another smile or type another exclamation mark made your eyes fill with tears. You had spent so long trying to be what everyone wanted – happy, smiley, excited, perfect. It had finally worn you down and this frail human being is what was left.
Without warning, you found yourself crying into your pillow as you heard the bathroom door open. Humidity left the room, filling your space, as you could hear footsteps coming around to your side of the bed. You hurried to wipe your damp eyes, so used to being the strong one who couldn’t let others see when you cried. The side of the bed dipped under Spencer’s weight and you felt his hand on your hip, but you couldn’t face him so you shut your eyes and pretended to be asleep.
“Rise and shine, baby.” You heard him say, the softness of his tone almost breaking you.
When you didn’t respond or even move, he tried again.
“I made coffee earlier if you want some.” He knew coffee was your weakness and that it would normally drag you out of bed on most days. You wondered how long it would take him to figure out this wasn’t like any other day. You wondered if he’d figure out that you didn’t want to leave the bed at all – not even if the world fell down around you, which it felt like yours already had.
You could picture his quizzical expression as he brought a hand up to your forehead. If it were any other day, you would have smiled under his touch. You knew he must have assumed you were sick because even the promise of coffee didn’t draw you out of your stupor. You wished you could use sickness as an excuse, but it wasn’t your body attacking you.
Spencer left your side a moment later and it did nothing to help your mood. You had thought he’d at least ask you what was wrong, but maybe he didn’t care. You tried to reason with your mind that he probably just had things to do, but your self-sabotage skill was too sharp today. You couldn’t resist wondering if you were too much to handle on days like this. After all, your mom had always scolded you when you had days like this growing up. She’d always said you purposely tried to ruin her life when you had these “moods.” The feeling of being unwanted wasn’t a new one.
You had a few quiet moments to yourself before you peeked out from under your comforter and saw Spencer re-entering the bedroom, mug in hand. He was back by your side in the blink of an eye, setting the steaming mug on the nightstand. This time, his voice came out in a whisper.
“Baby, whatever’s going on, please know you can talk to me.” You didn’t feign sleep this time and you examined his face as he spoke. His eyes held multitudes inside their depths and they all seemed to communicate love to you. His mouth wound itself into a half-smile but it was traced with concern. He reached out for your hand and just one touch filled you with warmth.
“I made you some green tea instead of coffee. The tea boosts serotonin levels but if you want something else, anything else, I can get it.”
When you didn’t respond again, you watched Spencer’s classic worry face appear. His mouth moved like he was chewing and his eyes cast downwards to the floor as his eyebrows knit. He stood to walk away, but stopped when he felt you squeeze his hand that you were still holding. You opened your mouth to speak and couldn’t raise your voice above a whisper.
“Spence. Lay with me.”
He looked confused for one moment longer before giving in. Somehow, in all of your racing thoughts, you knew you only needed one thing right now.
A slow, languid peace overcame you when you felt Spencer lay down on the other side of you. You turned towards him and he welcomed you into his arms. He wore a faded grey sweatshirt and the fabric was comforting against your face as you tucked your head against his chest. The sound of his heartbeat in your ears forced you to take a deep breath for the first time in weeks. He leaned back against the headboard, bringing your body with him, and drew an arm up to run up and down your arm. The patterns he weaved into your skin were instantly calming. You sat there with him, with his heartbeat and his patterns, and continued to breathe. You wished you could live in this moment forever. It was like Spencer had read your mind when he spoke.
“We don’t have to go anywhere today. We can just stay here for as long as you need.” He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and you snuggled closer into him.
It was half an hour later before the next words were spoken. It was you this time.
“Spence?” You asked and he hummed a response, signaling you to continue. “Thank you.”
That was all you could manage. A lifetime of people who didn’t want to deal with you and then you found one who did. When you thought he’d left earlier, he’d been trying to come up with a way to make you feel better. When you’d asked one thing of him, he hadn’t asked any questions. He’d stayed in bed with you for too long already and you kept thinking he’d get up to go do work… but he didn’t. He stayed. You had never experienced that before, but you liked it.
He had stopped drawing patterns on your arm several minutes ago, but he resumed for one last one. You felt him drawing letters and focused your little bit of energy on figuring out what he was saying.
It was love. Over and over, traced on your arm. Love, love, love, love.
“(Y/N), you are the most important thing in the world to me. Hell, you are the world. When you’re not having a good day, my world stops. Don’t ever thank me for taking care of you – I always will, without question.” He took a deep breath before continuing and it caused your body to dip against his.
“I know you’re going through a hard patch, honey, and I’ll be here through all of it. No matter what. I love you.” He pressed tender kisses to your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, before finally reaching your mouth. He was soft and caring, loving and gentle. It wasn’t a long kiss, but it meant everything to you.