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“Does anyone want a drink?” The words come out casually, as if no thought has been given to them, as if they’ve suddenly come, a spur of the moment kind of thing.
It’s not true.
Huang Shaotian was watching the clock, of course most of his brain was preoccupied with Glory, but a tiny part of him kept a little focus on the clock in the corner of the room, calculating how long it’s been since Yu Wenzhou’s bottle emptied. There are a few calls for water, for juice and Yu Wenzhou’s distracted, grateful smile and Huang Shaotian darts off.
If he’s asked, he’ll say it’s because he’s the fastest, that he can collect the drinks and make it back quicker than anyone else in Blue Rain. Huang Shaotian will insist that this is the reason until he’s blue in the face, until they stop asking and accept that it’s true.
It’s not true.
The real reason lies with Blue Rain’s first captain. The real reason lies in fear. Irrationality. The real reason is something that Huang Shaotian has pushed down into himself until he could almost ignore it. Until it was like it never existed at all.
The real reason isn’t something that Huang Shaotian is ready to face.
“I’ve brought drinks and because I’m so kind, so kind and thoughtful and generous I also brought you all snacks. Quiet snacks of course, quiet snacks so you don’t interrupt captain’s lecture, not lecture, interesting- the interesting and fascinating tactical discussion- ahh don’t look at me like that!” Huang Shaotian falls silent at Yu Wenzhou’s look, clear warning in his eyes.
It doesn’t stop him from sliding the refilled water bottle onto his captain’s desk however. And it doesn’t stop the warm feeling that blooms in his chest at the thankful smile that his captain offers him.
And the irrational, cloying fear in his chest quietens, the tightness dissipates, and Huang Shaotian relaxes.
But his eyes remain on the bottle of water and his internal clock starts up again.
Yu Wenzhou is fully aware that something is going on with Huang Shaotian. That he’s behaving strangely, behaving differently. He thinks back to the moment he called for a break in training and mentioned, casually that he was going to fetch a drink.
Huang Shaotian had shot to his side in a moment, moving faster than he’d expected with a bright smile across his face as he offered to go fetch Yu Wenzhou a drink because he was planning to go get himself a drink anyway and it would make more sense for only one of them to go right captain, you sit back down and I’ll get the drinks-
Faced with the hailstorm of words that Huang Shaotian often wielded as skilfully as he wielded Troubling Rain’s sword, Yu Wenzhou could only nod before watching, almost helplessly, as Huang Shaotian darted off down the corridor without another word.
After that, Huang Shaotian had seemingly designated himself as Blue Rain’s Official Drink Collector. He had everyone’s preferred drink memorised and had it down to an exact schedule that ran like clockwork. And it made everything easier and more efficient but Yu Wenzhou couldn’t help but worry.
Because he could see the edge of an emotion in Huang Shaotian’s eyes. He could see the tension that coiled tight in his shoulders whenever he, or anyone in Blue Rain mentioned they were heading out for something. Huang Shaotian would jump up and offer a hand, offer to help and Yu Wenzhou would watch the tension drain away when he received a nod.
But he didn’t understand why.
He could see the fragility in Huang Shaotian, could see that this was troubling him but Yu Wenzhou couldn’t join the dots. He couldn’t find the missing puzzle piece that would bring the picture together and it nagged at him. The fact that something was up with Huang Shaotian, everyone was allowed their privacy, their secrets, but this was something big, something that weighed visibly on Huang Shaotian. And the fact that Yu Wenzhou didn’t know what it was, couldn’t ease his burden sent prickling discomfort through him. But Huang Shaotian never spoke of it. And Yu Wenzhou refused to force him.
So he resolved to keep an eye on him, wait until the missing piece was found.
Huang Shaotian knew that Yu Wenzhou knew something was wrong. While he was fully aware that Yu Wenzhou could read him with terrifying ease, fortunately the skill went both ways. He saw the way Yu Wenzhou’s eyes would linger on him, furrow between his eyebrows, the same look he got when he was sorting out a particularly difficult puzzle. He had the urge to smooth away the frown, reassure him that it wasn’t anything to worry about by confessing everything.
But he didn’t
Because the reason he was keeping everything close to his chest, even as he knew Yu Wenzhou was waiting for him to explain, was that he didn’t have the words.
Which was laughable.
He was Glory’s resident chatterbox, never silent, never lacking something to say- the idea that he didn’t have any words was ridiculous. Incomprehensible. Impossible.
Yet true.
Huang Shaotian didn’t have the words the explain the jolt of fear in his chest whenever his teammates said they wanted to go get a drink. Didn’t have the right words to explain that the rush of panic eased when he was allowed to tag along, when he was allowed to fetch the drink in their stead. It calmed him, made the tightness loosen but he didn’t have the right words to explain.
So even when he could feel Yu Wenzhou’s eyes on him, when he was curled up against his side and Huang Shaotian knew that he was waiting for him to broach the topic first. He knew that Yu Wenzhou was giving him time, giving him the opportunity to speak up and explain.
But he remained silent, simply pressed himself closer and let the tension bleed out of him when Yu Wenzhou let out a soft huff of air before wrapping his arms more securely around him. The reassuring sensation was a comfort, something Huang Shaotian cherished and he didn’t want to ruin with sad, half formed thoughts.
He was fine after all.
No need to bother Yu Wenzhou.
He was fine.
Yu Wenzhou hadn’t expected the missing piece to be Wei Chen but in hindsight he probably should have. Or at the very least considered the possibility. Because the expression that flickered across Huang Shaotian’s face was openly vulnerable. He hid it well, behind mindless chatter and empty threats but his eyes were wide and tension was clear in the set of his shoulders.
And he had drinks in his hands.
And everything fell into place.
He’d already been on edge when Huang Shaotian had seen their old captain again. Wei Chen’s disappearance had affected everyone in Blue Rain but it had affected Huang Shaotian the most. Yu Wenzhou had mourned his mentor but he knew Wei Chen had been his mentor due to his own observations, that Blue Rain’s first captain had never noticed him until moments before his departure.
But Huang Shaotian had been Wei Chen’s mentee. Recruited by him personally, given careful attention, Blue Rain’s rising star. Everyone knew it. Everyone had seen the way Huang Shaotian stared up at Wei Chen, eyes bright and how they brightened further when Wei Chen would nod at him or offer a clap on the shoulder.
And Yu Wenzhou couldn’t forget the way Huang Shaotian had shattered when he vanished.
It was a similar expression on his face right now. Arms full of different Cokes, Wei Chen’s favoured drink and Yu Wenzhou sensed there was something that he was missing as their old captain didn’t seem surprised by the sudden influx. Yu Wenzhou felt the knot of worry in his chest loosen when Wei Chen promised not to vanish.
He wasn’t sure what he would have done if he’d disappeared again but he knew that he’d do anything to avoid Huang Shaotian breaking before his eyes.
Yu Wenzhou wasn’t sure what expression was on his face but from the way Huang Shaotian’s flicked to him and then away, his vice-captain had an inkling of what he was thinking. He felt a quick burst of warmth at the reminder of how well Huang Shaotian could read him before turning his attention back to the present.
They could talk about everything else when they got back.
Huang Shaotian knew that he couldn’t avoid this conversation. Knew that Yu Wenzhou was set upon talking this out, set upon getting to the bottom of it all now he had all the pieces. And some part of him wanted to talk about it, wanted to discuss the tight bundle of emotions in his chest. Wanted to ease the worry he could see sparking in his captain’s eyes. However, a louder part of him was set upon never speaking to Yu Wenzhou again.
That was the part of him that won out.
He was well-aware that it was a futile gesture to try and avoid a conversation with Yu Wenzhou but he was going to try.
Yu Wenzhou stood patiently outside Huang Shaotian’s room, content to keep knocking until Huang Shaotian opened the door. Of course, he could just open the door himself, Huang Shaotian’s door code wasn’t a mystery to him but he didn’t want to force Huang Shaotian to speak to him.
Eventually the door cracked open slightly and Huang Shaotian’s face peeked through the gap, clearly debating the pros and cons of letting him in. Yu Wenzhou tilted his head to the side while he waited for him to make his decision and Huang Shaotian pulled the door open fully, dragging him inside and tugging him onto the bed.
Huang Shaotian positioned them with Yu Wenzhou sat upon the bed and Huang Shaotian’s head resting in his lap. Yu Wenzhou was happy to let himself be manhandled and his hand rests on Huang Shaotian’s head instinctively, fingers carding through the messy blond strands. Huang Shaotian arched happily into the touch, eyes slipping shut for a moment before he began to speak.
“I didn’t notice it at first, I didn’t notice how-“ Huang Shaotian paused for a moment, weighing the words to find the right ones, “upset it made me when someone said they needed a drink. And it was always better if I said I’d go fetch the drink instead.”
“Because of the way Captain Wei left?” It’s a question but Yu Wenzhou already knew the answer and Huang Shaotian turned to face him, mouth twisted into a rueful smile.
“He said he was heading out to buy a drink. I didn’t think it was a problem because it was always better if I fetched the drinks you were always too slow-!” Huang Shaotian’s eyes widened when he realised what he’d just said, “I mean you guys, all of you in Blue Rain, not just you captain-!” When it didn’t seem like Yu Wenzhou was about to rain retribution down upon him Huang Shaotian continued. “I didn’t even realise the reason behind it for ages but even when I did, it wasn’t anything to talk about, it didn’t matter and I know you’re not going to leave like Captain Wei did, that no one is going to leave like he did but I still wanted to fetch the drinks instead.”
Yu Wenzhou found he didn’t know what to say and he tugged Huang Shaotian into his lap, arms looped around his waist as he gathered his thoughts. He was a comforting weight in his lap, comfort in the familiar way they sat and Yu Wenzhou found what he wanted to say.
“I asked Captain Fang if Captain Wei wanted to give me Swoksaar.” Huang Shaotian’s gaze didn’t leave his captain’s face and he caught the way his eyes wouldn’t remain still even if every other parts of him remained composed. “He didn’t have an answer for me- or he didn’t want to give voice to it. But I knew that Captain Wei wanted to keep Swoksaar, that he never considered me until those training matches.” Yu Wenzhou’s eyes are resigned but Huang Shaotian could see the old regrets in his eyes and something in his chest ached. “I didn’t touch Swoksaar for a week after Captain Wei left.” Huang Shaotian blinked in surprise and Yu Wenzhou sighed, breath warm against his neck. “I didn’t feel like it was my account, it never felt like my account, not fully. Not until today.”
Huang Shaotian shuffled in his captain’s lap until he was facing him, wrapping his arms tightly around him, grip nearly bruising as he clung to him. Yu Wenzhou’s arms were warm and reassuringly tight around his own torso and they didn’t move for a long time, wrapped up in each other.
“Swoksaar is yours captain and you deserve him.” The words are muffled, mumbled as Huang Shaotian’s face is pressed against his captain’s neck but Yu Wenzhou still catches them. They settle in his chest, comforting and he runs a hand through Huang Shaotian’s hair.
“I’m not leaving Shaotian. I’m staying where I belong. With Glory, with Blue Rain, with you.” The words loosen the tight knot in his chest, words that Huang Shaotian didn’t know he wanted to hear but was desperately glad he had.
They stay curled up around each other for a long time, getting lost in the comfort it brought them, enjoying the peace of mind it elicited.
There may be painful memories in the past, but they were content with their present, as Yu Wenzhou pressed a kiss to Huang Shaotian’s forehead, the both of them eventually drifting off to sleep, safe in each other’s arms.