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After less than twenty-four hours in the hospital, the doctor discharges Eddie. His core temperature is stable enough and they’ve made sure he has no concussion or any major injury. Buck stands by the door while Eddie goes through the motions.
“Eds, I’m going to get the car.”
“Okay,” Eddie replies without looking at him. He puts on a change of clothes that someone must’ve brought over during the night. Even if he doesn’t feel as cold as he was the night before, he still gets shivers at random.
Eddie’s forced to be wheeled out of the hospital and he hates the feeling of vulnerability that arises in his mind. He reaches the hospital doors and Buck’s waiting outside with his Jeep.
The drive to Eddie’s house is silent and Eddie thanks the universe his best friend is not forcing a conversation he knows they will eventually need to have.
Buck parks his Jeep and goes to help Eddie. He opens his door and reaches for Eddie’s hand.
What can Eddie say to express every single thought he’s been holding at bay since almost the moment they met. He can’t conjure enough energy within himself so he opts to be concise, “Thanks, Buck, really.”
“You are very much welcome. I once promised to have your back, man. I’ll always be here,” Buck says and puts his arm across Eddie’s waist guiding him to his front door.
Eddie stares out the window for a long time. Maybe longer than he realizes. The sun is already going down and he has a soft blanket wrapped around his shoulders. It’s his second day back home and everyone who’s wanted to check on him came and went.
Except Buck.
Buck, who’s made it his mission to stay with them and help him with Chris. Buck, who is kind and steadfast and always willing to lend him a hand.
There’s a knock on his door and a creak right after.
“Hey,” Buck whispers while he approaches him and places his hand on Eddie’s shoulder, making him shiver. “Do you need anything? I’m preparing dinner with Chris.”
Eddie doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need anything. Or maybe he needs too much. Maybe he needs so much that he’s afraid to talk, dreading that if he answers all his needs are going to come pouring out of his mouth.
The silence is getting overwhelming as Buck stares at him. “So?”
“What?” he barks back. He doesn’t need Buck hovering over him, but he doesn’t want him gone either.
“Need anything?”
“No.” Eddie turns to look at him and recognizes maybe his tone is harsher than he means.
“I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”
“Can I maybe get a little damn time?” He half-yells and it feels like an echo. Echo from a conversation long past him. Echo from a life before. Echo from past mistakes. He once told Shannon he needed time. That didn’t end up well for either of them. “No, I mean-”
“It’s okay, I know what you mean.”
His connection with Buck is not the same as what he used to have with Shannon. Mostly because they are friends. And also because they are friends. But Buck is a constant, he has been a constant for as long as they’ve known each other. And he never doubts, never oscillates. He’s firm and solid and here.
He’s here , Eddie repeats to himself like a mantra.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says, trying to correct the course of this conversation.
Buck smiles, all soft and sympathetic, “I’ll be outside.”
Eddie can’t let Buck leave without saying something. Buck’s hand is still on his shoulder and Eddie takes a moment to put his hand over Buck’s and squeeze. “Thank you, Buck.”
“You don’t- I’m hovering like a worried- No, you know what? Doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t hover, it’s not my place. I’ll be outside. When you’re ready just come out.”
Eddie wants to say something else, he wants to be able to tell Buck that it is his place, he’s earned the right to fret and worry about him, but he doesn’t say a word. He watches as Buck leaves. He throws himself on his bed and stares at the ceiling.
It’s been two days since what he likes to call the epiphany inducing event, and his body is still adjusting to feeling warm again. He doesn’t have that persisting feeling that the cold water took hold of his bones anymore. There’s still this feeling of inadequacy that taunts him. He can’t put his finger on what it is that is making him feel this way, but it’s there.
He’s spent the last two nights encircled in a bubble of affection from his son and his best friend. He’s received cuddles and treats and he’s been indulged with a ridiculous amount of hugs from Christopher.
No matter how much love he knows is around him, he still feels that itch, that voice that whispers ugly words. Eddie understands that snapping at Buck is not going to make it go away. It’ll probably even make it worse.
Maybe it’s time to try something different for a change. Eddie yawns and stretches, and lets sleep take over and darkness engulf him.
Maybe it’s time to try something different, but maybe not tonight.
Two hours later, there’s a little hand patting on his shoulder, much like the two nights before. “Daddy?”
“Want to sleep here, don’t you?”
Chris nods vigorously and Eddie runs his hand through his blond curls.
“Okay, come on up.” Eddie balances himself on his side to pick Chris up and they curl up together under the blankets.
“Goodnight, Bucky.”
Buck peaks inside from the hallway, looking as guilty as he’d looked the last two nights. He mouths sorry and Eddie smiles from the dim-lit room, hoping Buck catches it before leaving. They’d talked about it after the first night and Eddie told him it was okay to let Chris sleep with him these first few nights. Buck still feels guilty nonetheless.
When morning comes, Eddie waits until he hears Buck and Christopher leave for school to exit his room. He takes a shower and changes his clothes. He opens every window in the house and lets the cool breeze of the morning clean the air around him. He moves slowly into the dining room. There’s a plate over the table with what looks to be scrambled eggs and toast. He takes a seat and sighs, resting his forehead on the table.
“Hey, you’re up.” Buck appears out of nowhere. Eddie must’ve zoned out for a bit.
“Yeah, I-” he turns his head, pressing his temple to the table and looking at Buck, “-I got tired of being in there.”
“Want to eat? We made eggs on toast.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Let me heat it up for you.” Buck puts the bread in the toaster and takes the plate with the eggs and shoves it into the microwave.
Eddie sits up on the chair, puts his hands over the table, and intertwines his fingers. He feels an urge to say something. He knows Buck is not expecting anything from him right now but Eddie wants to try and explain. “I’m not okay,” he blurts out, staring at his hands.
Buck only stares and takes a seat in front of him at the table.
“I think I haven’t been okay in a while. All my life, falling apart, breaking down? It wasn’t an option for me. And I’m so tired, so, so tired of carrying this weight around with me. I don’t want to carry it with me anymore. After everything I- we- we went through this year, I can’t just lie to you anymore and say that I’m fine when I’m not. You deserve better and I think I deserve better too.”
The answer to his heartfelt monologue is silence from Buck, and Eddie presses on. “There’s like a heavy rock that burns in the middle of my chest all the damn time. I feel sad and angry and, well, I’m not okay.” Eddie chuckles to counter the hot burning tears rolling down his cheeks. “Frank once told me it’s okay to admit it. Admit I can’t do this all alone. I can’t fix this all by myself.”
“And you don’t have to,” Buck answers and he goes to take the plate out of the microwave and hands it back to Eddie.
“Huh?”
“You can’t fix this all by yourself, Eddie, of course, you can’t, but the most important thing is that you don’t have to,” Buck says all matter-of-act and who’s Eddie to contradict him.
“I don’t have to.” Eddie takes a bite of his eggs. They are perfectly seasoned and he groans in delight. His throat still burns and itches when he swallows the toast.
“No, you don’t. I’m here, aren’t I?” Buck helps by making this conversation less heavy and more domestic. He keeps doing whatever it is he’s doing, there’s no pity in his tone. No pity in his eyes.
“Yes, that you are.”
Eddie continues eating in silence while Buck fixes a tea for him. He adds ginger and lemon and honey and a few more things Eddie much rather not know. He suspects there’s black pepper in the mix, but really, ignorance is bliss. He goes to take a sip of his tea, but Buck calls his name and he halts the movement, cup still over his lips.
“Dude, that’s scalding hot, wait a second before you try it.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Eggs good?”
Eddie picks up his now empty plate and shows it to Buck.
“Good, that’s good. Listen-” Buck cuts himself.
Eddie squints at him. “What is it?”
Buck rubs the back of his neck but remains silent. He smiles at Eddie and- that smile. Eddie would surrender his empire for that smile.
“If this is about Chris manipulating his way to sleep with me, I told you, it’s okay. I actually want him there with me. Just a few nights won’t hurt.”
Buck chuckles and shakes his head. “No. I mean yes, but no.”
“What? What is it?”
“I have a shift tomorrow.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. I have to go to Chris’ show and tell tomorrow.”
“Right, yes. Are you up for it?”
“Yeah,” Eddie sighs. He’s moody and tired and still getting shiver at the most random times. He has a gush on his face and his legs hurt, but he made plans with his son and he’s going to be there. “Yes. I am.”
For Christopher? Anything.