Chapter Text
A desperate knock on the door.
“Elsa?”
No response.
She knocked harder, until her bones shook from the repeated punishment. The hard, cold wood made her knuckles burn. She could see her own breath in the icy air.
“Elsa? I-It’s just you and me now” Anna murmured. “Please, come out? I… I need you”
No response. The wood creaked under her weight. Something shifted on the other side.
“It’s cold, Elsa” Anna continued.“I know you’re scared too, but… we don’t have to do this alone”
Elsa didn’t say a word. As usual.
Anna pressed her forehead to the door.
“Th-They… They’re not here a-anymore, Elsa” she choked out. “W-we can talk now! We don’t ha… have to avoid each other anymore! Y-you can come out now”
Her eyes stung with tears. They weren’t here anymore. She still couldn’t believe it. She was certain that at any moment, a snowmobile would park right in front of their house and Mama and Papa would bust through the door, kicking off the snow from their boots and hugging her before taking off their coats, because they knew Anna liked the feeling of hugging a big soft pillow.
They weren’t. They weren’t doing that. Not now and not ever. Never again. She’d never see their faces again or hear their voices or receive their hugs. She’d never practice shooting with dad or make blood pancakes with mom again. They still had a cube of frozen reindeer blood they’d brought from Finnmark waiting in the refrigerator, ready to be cooked.
Anna was completely alone. Her eyes stung with tears. Cold and alone curled into a ball against Elsa’s door. Why? Why wouldn’t she come out? She turned her away every day of her life. Why couldn’t she be with her for only one day?
Elsa hated her so much she abandoned her on the day she needed her the most.
A ragged sob shook her body. She hugged her knees and lied sideways against the door. Her hair pressed against the cold wood. It was so, so cold . She was shivering. And she could swear a grade was dropped with every minute that passed. Elsa needed her as much as Anna needed her. Then why wouldn’t she open the door!?
“J-just for today, Elsa” Anna begged in a whisper. “I need you. Please. Just t-t-talk to me t-today and then I’ll never bother you again! Please!”
She clawed uselessly at the wood. It didn’t work. It never worked, if the long scratches were any proof.
Her eyes caught something above her. On the wall of Elsa’s room, just a meter from the door, the Picture was stabbed into the wall by a series of darts. Papa had argued that all her dart throwing would only make Elsa more scared of talking to her for fear of being stabbed, but Anna knew Elsa was scared of talking to her with or without darts. In any case, it was another way to knock on the door. Hopefully the constant stabbing of the wall was more annoying.
The Picture was a picture of Grandfather. It was all shredded and punctured with holes from throwing so many darts at him (Anna suspected Papa and Mama took out their anger on him sometimes too, when she wasn’t home), but his face was perfectly recognizable. Anna wasn’t one to hold resentment for anyone, but after what he’d done to her mother and sister...
Fear seized Anna’s heart. Mama and Papa were gone. Elsa was her only (technically) adult relative in Svalbard. If she didn't want her…
“Elsa…” Anna whimpered. “Wh-what if he comes for me?”
The wood creaked. She was listening! Oh thank goodness! Please don’t let him take her!
“W-what if he takes me back to Oslo, Elsa? Y-you can’t let that happen, right?” A painful sob erupted from her chest. And another. And another. Her tiny body convulsed with her weeping. She tried to catch her breath, but whenever she opened her mouth she found her throat locked and she was sent down another spiral of heaving and sobbing. She couldn’t do this alone. She needed her big sister. Even despite their past crimes. She promised she would forget everything if only Elsa opened the door that day. Only that day and never again.
When she finally caught her breath, inhaling deeply and holding long enough to calm her lungs, she whispered:
“I’m scared, Elsa”
Whatever hadn’t worked before pushed all the buttons now. The door swung open and Anna fell face first on the ground. The floorboards were hard against her temple. A pained whimper escaped her lips right before a pair of cold arms pulled her up and wrapped around her body.
“Anna…” Elsa whispered. “Oh, Anna…”
Anna was frozen in her sister’s arms. Her whole body trembled. She… she’d actually opened the door! She buried her face in Elsa’s neck and started sobbing all over again.
“Oh, Elsa…” She cried, wrapping her arms around Elsa’s waist as tight as she could. “You really do love me!”
Elsa shook her head, and Anna’s heart sank for a moment before she exclaimed:
“What are you…? Anna! Of course I love you!” She ruffled her hair. She was trying to sound strong for her, but Anna could feel her body shaking against hers. And despite the frost that covered the floor, walls and ceiling, she knew it wasn’t from the cold.
While Anna was buried under two layers of coats, Elsa was only wearing a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, the one that left her shoulders and the straps of her bra exposed. When Anna hid her face in there, she could feel her skin against hers, and it sent a tingling warmth into her stomach. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. Bile raised up her throat. No, not now . She couldn’t scare her away now .
Anna didn’t even need to ask why Elsa kept avoiding her. Her older sister might have been over it for years, but Anna could never quite shake off her perversion, and she wasn't exactly good at hiding it. She made every family movie night uncomfortable just by being there, and Elsa avoided her touch for a reason. She knew very well the kind of effect she had on Anna.
It… it was okay. Anna was disgusted with herself too. She understood.
She didn’t deserve her loving arms around her body. She didn’t deserve her soft fingers on her hair or kneading her shoulder, or her lips on her temple.
“I love you” Elsa repeated. Only a whisper on her ear. Anna’s heart clenched as another sob was forced out of her. “So, so much. I-I’m sorry I left you, Anna. I’m so sorry. I just…” she exhaled. “I was scared too” she was scared. She was scared of Anna. “We’d be… breaking their rules as soon as they were… gone. I felt horrible thinking about it” she confessed. “But it was a mistake!” she quickly added. “I was stupid. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me”
Anna’s eyes blinked open. She slowly pulled away to look at her big sister in the eye.
“Forgive you?” She asked, and she saw a flicker of worry in Elsa’s blue eyes. She immediately threw herself into her arms again. “Oh, Elsa… You did nothing wrong. I should be thanking you for forgiving me ”
Elsa’s hands hovered over her back, and panic flared up in Anna’s stomach. She didn’t forgive her. She remembered why she didn’t forgive her. She would push her away again and send her off to Oslo with Grandfather to cure her in some mental institution.
But then her palms pressed against her shoulder blades and pushed her closer to Elsa’s body. She could feel the temperature of the room rising already. A cool hand rubbed up and down her spine.
“You’re not alone, Anna” she reassured her. “And I promise I’m not leaving you again. I won’t let him take you”
Anna was assaulted by a new stampede of sobs and hiccups, and Elsa held her through everything. She couldn’t remember the last time Elsa had touched her, and all of a sudden she was practically pulling her onto her lap and stroking her hair. She pulled Anna’s coat(s) to better cover her trembling body, gently buttoning them up and smoothing over the fabric. Her fingers were so soft and delicate, as if she was scared of hurting her. And Anna’s arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, unwilling to let go. Her hands gripped the back of her shirt, and Elsa didn’t seem to mind. She kept running her fingers through her hair. Her big sister was still trembling, her shoulders shaking slightly, and no matter how hard she tried to hide it Anna could still hear her soft gasps and sobs. She needed Anna as much as Anna needed her, and a sudden protective flare urged her to change positions so she could be the one holding Elsa. She was a lot closer to their parents than Anna was. This must be destroying her just as much if not more than it did Anna, but her body didn’t seem to respond to her, and she ended up uselessly accepting the love and comfort she had begged for for years.
A few minutes later, after Anna’s breathing returned to (somewhat) normal, she found herself in the couch while Elsa made some hot chocolate for them. She assumed she must have walked there, because she’d surely remember if Elsa had carried her.
The clock marked three in the afternoon and the sky was completely black. There were no lights that day. Whoever decided to send a bunch of scientist north on the middle of winter deserved to go to jail for the murder of an entire crew.
No. That wasn’t fair. No one could have predicted this. Mama and Papa had gone north (well, further north) on winter before. Nothing had happened. It had been… an accident. There was no one to blame, really.
A wooden guksi was pressed against her hands, and Anna carefully took it.
“Thank you” she muttered. Elsa hummed and squeezed her shoulder.
“Is it not too cold?” She asked. Anna took a sip. The warm, sweet milk slid down her throat.
“It’s perfect” she reassured her. She really, really wanted to take her hand.
She half expected Elsa to sit with her, but instead she went back to the counter to make some hot chocolate for herself. Anna couldn’t help but to look at her over the rim of her guksi , and she immediately feel like a monster for it. Some hormonal beast lusting after her big sister on the day their parents had died.
She was beautiful. Her long, snow white hair reached her delicate waist. Her top wasn’t tight-fitting, rather it loosely fell over her frame, and her shoulders were sparkled with the faintest freckles. You wouldn’t see them if you didn’t already know they were there, but Anna longed to kiss them. She wanted to touch her hair. She wanted to encircle her waist from behind and pull her tight against her body.
Ten years and Mama and Papa died without fixing her. Now, they would never see her get better. She’d have to continue fighting without them.
They’d be so disappointed.
In the end, she could never make them proud.
Elsa sat next to her with her own guksi in hand. She smiled sadly at Anna and squeezed her shoulder. Anna glanced at her, but as soon as she met her eyes, she had to look away. The hand on her shoulder dropped.
Elsa started to joik their mother then. Her beautiful voice jumped quick yet soft, as if painting their mother in the canvas of music. It was, in a way, like having Mama back here with them. Anna didn’t know if that made her feel better or worse.
Elsa tucked her in for bed that night. Like, actually sat on her bed with her and pulled the covers over her body. Her hands were incredibly cold. If she wasn’t, well, Elsa , Anna would be sure she’d need amputation or something. When her fingers grazed her chin, it felt like touching a very soft and dry ice cube.
“Sorry” Elsa mumbled. “Do you need anything?”
Anna reached out and grabbed Elsa’s hand. It was so cold it burned her skin. Her eyes widened with horror and Anna immediately panicked and let go.
“Let me take care of you too?” She asked. Elsa closed her eyes and sighed.
“I’m alright” she whispered. Her voice was loaded with guilt. “You should rest, Anna”
“I don’t think I’ll be having any sleep tonight” Anna admitted. She knew what she needed. She wanted Elsa to hold her through the night and be there for her. She didn’t want to be alone with the memory of their parents. But most importantly, she wanted to be there for Elsa when she broke. She didn’t want to leave her alone. She swallowed. “I know you feel guilty, and like you need to make up for something. But I’m not angry, Elsa. You did nothing wrong. There’s nothing to forgive. Please, let me take care of you too”
Elsa was kneeling by the side of her bed now, eyes locked into Anna’s. In the darkness, Anna could see the tears glinting.
“There is” Elsa said. Her voice was low and thick. “I-I’m sorry. I should go”
“Elsa? Wait. No” she tried to reach for her hand, but Elsa was already standing up and wrapping her arms around herself. Temperature dropped. Anna sat up and propped herself up on her elbows. “Please”
Elsa stared at her. Her chest was heaving, and she was obviously trying to keep herself in check. Anna could see her hold her breath. A single tear ran down her cheek, and Anna’s heart jumped in panic. She was desperate to wipe her tears away. Elsa must have notice her intending to stand up because she closed the gap between them and planted a single soft, cold kiss on her forehead. She gently pushed Anna’s shoulders down and pulled the covers back over her. Her left hand was buried in her hair and gently scratching her scalp.
“I love you” Elsa whispered. “Goodnight, Anna”
She gave her little sister one last endeared look before softly closing the door behind her. Anna felt very, very cold that night. She lied curled into a ball and missing her family. It didn’t take long for the tears to come back.
She joiked her mother alone, as best as she could with her throat constricting and her chest heaving, wrecked by sobs and fear.
Elsa went outside after wishing Anna goodnight. She didn’t bother to put on a coat, or even to bring her slippers. She walked barefoot into the snow. She closed the front door behind herself without locking it, and looked at her dear Longyearbyen from her house. They lived on the outskirts of town, their house a bright orange color. She could see the small settlement she called home extending below her.
Longyearbyen. Svalbard. This was home . They belonged to the Arctic, not to Oslo with Grandfather.
The white street lights illuminated the town. A light in the arctic winter. The last edge of the Earth. Beyond? There was nothing. Only darkness.
How could they leave them? How could they leave her alone with Anna?
Heaven, what was she going to do?
She couldn’t take care of her on her own! She had turned eighteen only weeks ago! She wasn’t an adult! Her job at the hotel wasn’t enough to maintain two teenagers. And what would happen when she proved herself an unsatisfying guardian? What would happen when she failed? She prayed Yelena and her family back in Finnmark could win the custody over Anna, but the justice would surely prioritize blood relatives, wouldn’t they? Oh, Papa had told them about life with Grandfather. Anna’s whole future was in her hands now.
She didn’t start crying until then. Really crying. She managed to hold herself together around Anna. She needed her big sister to be strong for her. But… But now? She couldn’t do it anymore. She hid her face in her hands and let the pain take over. Mama and Papa… they were never coming back. One day they were racing on the snowmobile or explaining to them some scientific terms she always liked to listen to but never truly understood and the next they were… dead. Gone forever from their lives.
And to think they believed Elsa was already alright when they died.
She was a disgusting liar.
Heaven. What was she going to do !?
She held herself like a mother would.
“I’m so sorry, Anna…” she whispered.