Chapter Text
Sitting on the jump seat Donna watched the Doctor bounce around the console materializing the TARDIS, “I’ll be right back,” he promised, “don’t move a muscle,” he warned pausing at the door, “and I’ll know too,” he winked leaving her alone.
“Bloody alien,” she sighed letting her leg kick back and forth rubbing against the grating as she stared at the door. Donna had been waiting what she thought was five minutes when she stood up, “since when do I listen to him,” she scoffed marching toward the door.
The TARDIS hummed in protest, “oh hush, I can take care of myself,” she spat readying herself for whatever lie outside the door.
“Donna,” the Doctor exclaimed rushing back in and nearly trampling over her. His faster than light reflexes kicked in grabbing her waist and keeping her upright. “Whoa, are you okay,” he worried aloud.
“I’d be more fine if you watched where you were going,” she shot.
The Doctor rolled his eyes, “maybe you should listen to me. If you hadn’t moved you wouldn’t have been bumped,” he grinned.
Realizing the placement of his hands Donna took her own weight back pushing the Doctor’s hands away from her and taking note of something sticking out of his pocket, “what’s that,” she queried.
“You’ll see soon enough,” the Doctor promised. “Go, sit,” he urged pushing her to the jump seat and sitting her down. The Doctor pranced about the console causing the TARDIS to materialize once again. He beamed brightly holding his hand out to Donna, “close your eyes,” he ordered.
“No,” Donna argued.
He stood there waiting patiently with his arm outstretched, “Donna, come on. It’s a special surprise just for you,” he clarified. “I want to do this for you, as a thank you,” he added.
Donna bit her lip trying to hide her grin, “okay,” she hesitantly agreed taking his hand.
“Eyes closed,” he commanded.
Squishing her eyes Donna’s world went black. She could feel her heart beat speed faster in anticipation of the unknown. It actually worried her. Trying not to focus on the fear rising within her Donna focused on the feel of his soft, long fingers wrapped around hers. She ran her thumb over them, tightening her grip and causing the Doctor to wiggle them in response. Donna could hear as the TARDIS door opened and the Doctor slowed, “small step down,” he instructed as she reached her foot out searching for the ground so she didn’t trip.
“If I fall,” she threatened finally finding the ground and stepping.
The Doctor chuckled, “I’ve got you,” he promised as she could feel his other hand position itself on her waist, “a few more steps,” he guided.
“It’s bloody cold,” Donna shivered feeling the wind rustle against her skin making her hair stand on end.
Feeling his hand let go Donna panicked, “Doctor,” she squeaked reaching out to find him and beginning to open her eyes in alarm.
“Keep them closed,” he ordered, “I’m still here,” his voice boomed in her ear. She could feel his chest flush against her outstretched hand as he rustled with something.
Donna could hear the sounds of the city around here, “I look like an idiot don’t I,” she sighed
“No,” he assured her placing something over her shoulders, “there. That’s much better eh,” he asked.
Noticing the absence of the cool air Donna smiled, “thanks,” she said as the Doctor took her hand again.
He tugged on her hand, “come on,” he urged continuing to walk. They took a few more steps before the Doctor paused, “keep your eyes closed and sit down,” he instructed.
“What,” Donna shot cracking her eyes open.
“Closed,” he ordered covering her face with his other hand.
She had an urged to bite it but instead she stuck her tongue at him barely missing his hand, “where am I supposed to sit,” she questioned.
“On the ground. I’ll help,” he guaranteed peeling his hand back from her eyes ensuring they were closed before taking her other hand and waiting for her to sit.
Donna began to lower her body to the ground, going down on her knees until reaching the ground and sliding to her bum. She could feel the Doctor shrink with her, “okay. Pivot your legs over to the left,” he laughed.
Beginning to turn she couldn’t feel anything beneath her leg, “there’s nothing there,” she gasped.
“Do you trust me,” the Doctor queried.
Pausing Donna shook her head, “of course,” she clarified.
“Then swing your legs,” he told her.
Listening to him she did as he said feeling his arms around her ensuring she was safe, “if I open my eyes to sharks I swear to God,” Donna warned.
“No sharks,” he chuckled shaking his head resulting in his fringe brushing against her forehead. She could feel his hands pull her back, “don’t lean forward,” he advised letting go of her. Donna could feel the Doctor situate himself beside her, “you can open them now,” he chirped.
Donna pressed them closed for a moment longer before reaching out for his hand. Intertwining their fingers Donna opened her eyes. Before her was the city of London. A familiar sight, one that she had seen from this exact point of view before. Looking around Donna saw the TARDIS behind them, “this is,” she began to say emotion welling within her.
“Yep,” the Doctor beamed pulling a bundle from his pocket, “chips,” he asked unwrapping the paper.
Laughing Donna shook her head, “you brought me here for chips,” she rolled her eyes.
“I brought you here because you wanted to spend time together and I couldn’t think of a better place to get reacquainted than the place where we first became acquainted,” he explained.
Taking a chip from the package Donna munched on it, “are you sure you didn’t want to just show off you had your memory back,” she said nudging him in the side.
“Well maybe prove that to you too,” he chuckled.
Silence hung in the air between them, as the sounds of the busy city echoed around the rooftop. She watched as he happily ate the greasy chips, “you must’ve missed chips,” she finally commented.
“That’s not all I missed,” the Doctor winked.
“Oh really,” Donna inquired expecting an answer. Shrugging he looked away staring at the millions of people below them. “Doctor,” she began, “what was it like?”
She wasn’t sure if he was ignoring her or hadn’t heard her question. Donna was about to ask again when he met her eyes, “you know. You lived through it,” he volunteered.
“No,” she protested. “I know what it was like for me and sort of what it was like for Alec,” she scoffed, “I don’t even know all of that. But, I have no idea what it was like for you. What did it feel like? Were you inside seeing everything or were you really gone,” she blurted. Letting go of her hand the Doctor tugged on his ear staring back at the city.
“I was in the watch, like I told you I would be,” he said.
Donna’s shoulders sunk, “but that’s all I know. Could you feel things? Did you know what was going on? I just, I need to know,” she pleaded.
The Doctor looked at the chips in his lap, “do you really,” he questioned
“Yes,” she told him. After another silent moment Donna grabbed his hand gently squeezing it, “please,” she pushed.
He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand still not looking at her, “it was like a dream,” he confessed.
“Did you know what was going on,” Donna asked needing to know.
The Doctor took a chip, shoving it into his mouth giving himself more time to come up with an answer. Watching him chew then swallow it Donna patiently waited. “Yes, well, sometimes,” he stuttered. “Like I said it was as if I was dreaming. Sometimes I felt trapped other times it was like I was so close to release,” he paused. “I could sense his intense feelings often but no matter what I could always feel you.”
“What,” Donna gulped feeling her cheeks flush red.
“You’re presence,” the Doctor quickly clarified meeting her eyes, “I could always feel your presence. It was almost as if you were always there.”
It was Donna who looked away this time unable to take his gaze on her. She could feel him still looking at her, “you were in my purse,” she whispered.
“Always by your side,” he winked.
“Shut up,” she scoffed shoving his shoulder.
The Doctor wrapped his arm around her, “thank you. For taking care of me. I don’t think I can ever thank you enough,” he offered.
“Well I don’t know about the chips but the view is a good start,” she laughed resting her head on his shoulder.
Realizing his arm was still around her she began to blush again. She reached over breaking a piece of fish off. The Doctor leaned in tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, “Donna I,” he paused swallowing hard.
Her heart skipped a beat, this was it, this was why he brought her here of all places. He was going to tell her he couldn’t do it. That it was too much, that he didn’t want a child, especially one that wasn’t his choice. “Um, I think it’s getting cooler. Let’s head in,” he suggested.
“Doctor,” her voice quivered as he began to stand, “just tell me,” she begged.
He looked down at her, “it’s cold,” he reasoned.
She shook her head looking down at the street below her, “when do you want to take me home,” she asked looking at the unaware people.
The Doctor’s knees buckled as he sunk back beside her, “you want to go home,” he squeaked.
“No,” she whispered biting her lip.
He reached his hand out, “okay then, come on,” he urged.
She wanted to scream at him, she wanted to tell him no, to tell him everything circling her head, to beg him to never leave her and to make everything go back to the way it used to be and to tell him how much she desperately missed him, “okay,” she sighed allowing him to help her up.
Reaching the TARDIS door Donna looked around taking the scene in, “are you okay,” he asked.
“Yeah,” she affirmed continuing to look around. The Doctor stepped closer placing a hand on her shoulder, “so much has changed since we were here last,” she conceded.
“True,” he agreed moving his hand. For the tiniest instant Donna thought he was going to place his hand on her stomach. It looked like he wanted to but instead his hand lingered between them before he nervously tucked it in his pocket.
He stood there waiting for Donna to step in first, “thank you, this was a great idea,” she said. She wanted to hug him but she could feel that things were tense and now was not the time for hugging so she walked inside.
“I’m glad you liked it,” the Doctor commented emotion gone from his voice.
Things were so odd between them, there was no hiding it. Donna paused in the console room, “I think I’m going to turn in. The lack of sleep is finally catching up with me,” she yawned stretching.
The Doctor nodded, “okay,” he agreed as she began walking down the hall to her room.
When she made it to the door Donna turned to the Doctor who had been following her, “good night,” she said wishing him well.
He inched forward as if he expected to follow her inside but Donna closed the door resting the back of her head on it, “I’m rubbish,” she sighed disappointed in all that she left unsaid.
Changing into her pajamas Donna crawled into her bed looking around. Donna knew that the TARDIS had put everything back where it once had been but something didn’t feel right. Everything felt so cold and out of place. Her room felt so big and she missed him. Pulling the covers around her Donna noticed a new picture on her side table. In a frame was a picture of her and Alec, not one the TARDIS manufactured but one they had taken at the beach. Alec was smiling while kissing her cheek while Donna was blushing in the middle of a huge laugh. She picked the picture up, studying it briefly before placing it face down.
Laying on her back she could do nothing but stare at the ceiling. If she laid on her side she was aware of how empty her bed was, if she lay on her stomach she was focused on the fact that there was a growing child within her. When she did begin to doze off her mind flashed with images of the Doctor, no Alec dying and screaming her name or her begging him not to leave. Donna wasn’t going to get any sleep at this rate. Refusing to look at the time Donna got up wandering into the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea.
The kettle was just beginning to whistle when the Doctor walked in, “I thought you were turning in,” he inquired seeing her.
“I couldn’t sleep,” she sighed pouring him a cup too and setting them on the table.
The Doctor sat across from her, “bad dreams,” he wondered aloud.
“No,” she answered biting her lip. He nodded letting the topic drop, “we’re never going to be the same again are we,” she finally blurted.
Choking on his tea the Doctor set the cup down coughing, “what? Why do you say that,” he questioned.
“Everything is awkward between us, can barely handle being in the same room. We aren’t what we used to be and I don’t know if we can be again,” she confessed.
Reaching out the Doctor placed his hand over hers, “Donna we can make it like it used to be,” he reminded her.
“I miss him, I miss you and I’m so confused because nothing makes sense anymore. You used to make sense, this used to make sense but right now I don’t know what makes sense,” she sobbed hiding her face in her hands.
“I’m right here,” he announced.
Donna shook her head, “you said things after you turned back to you and I can’t process it because you’re my best friend and I don’t know if you mean you want to still be best friends or if you want more than that,” she rambled.
He sat there confused and unsure what to say, his eyes wide in shock, “I, um, I, do you want to be friends still?”
“Yes, of course I do,” Donna promised.
“Okay then,” the Doctor grinned, “friends,” he promised holding his hand out for her to shake.
Donna sat there confused by his show. She wanted to scream. He said those things and now they were back to friends. Friends having a child, who had sex, who had seen each other’s bodies, who loved each other. Well, she was the only one in that last category but she was in love with someone who didn’t exist, not anymore. “Fine,” he agreed picking up her tea and ignoring his hand.
The Doctor watched her confused, “you’re okay with that,” he inquired.
“Yeah,” she sighed, “why wouldn’t I be,” Donna shot focusing on her cup.
He watched her momentarily, “did I say or do something to upset you,” he asked.
“No, why would you have. You’re perfect,” she finished standing up and leaving him in the kitchen alone. This wasn’t going to work out. She could feel it already. There was no way they could go back to the way things were.
In case the Doctor truly hadn’t caught onto to the fact that things weren’t okay Donna made sure he knew by slamming the door loud enough he could hear. So hard that even the TARDIS hummed in protest, “sorry girl,” Donna apologized rubbing the wall.
She was so tired of constantly trying to push Alec away that all she wanted was her best friend to want to stay but he didn’t seem to care anymore. Donna didn’t understand how he could just pretend that nothing happened between them while he was a human. Even if it was a dream he had the memories now, certainly he remembered things.
Donna crawled into bed pulling the covers over her head. If the Doctor was going to pretend that everything was normal and nothing had happened then she could to. “Don’t let him near my room until I wake up,” she huffed at the TARDIS flopping over on her side.
Hearing the ship hum in agreement Donna laid there unable to sleep. She was so frustrated and alone that she didn’t know what to do. Nothing was going to make this better and the worst thing was she was still without her best friend but now she didn’t have Alec either. At least he had been some sort of solace in the night. Actually, he had become sort of her security blanket.
It was the crack of light shining from her closet that got Donna’s attention. Seeing it surprised her. Especially when at first she thought the TARDIS had failed and let the Doctor into her room. Standing up Donna walked over to close the door when she saw what the TARDIS was trying to provide her with. Hanging up was something she had become pretty regular to seeing, Alec’s Broadchurch police department shirt. He had been given it on his orientation day and would often wear it to bed. Donna had always thought it kind of cute, like how one would wear a superhero shirt. Picking it up she inhaled it, it still smelled like him, like the Doctor yes, but different.
Donna hugged the shirt to her and then grabbed the teddy bear that was sitting on her bureau clutching it tightly. She had seen it in his items at the hospital briefly but was too worried about whether or not he would survive to investigate. There was a tiny note attached to its paw, “I thought our wee one could use its first teddy. I can’t wait to see her sleeping beside it. You are going to make a wonderful mum,” Donna read aloud. It was almost too much for her. Taking the two items back with her she crawled into bed again holding onto them as she drifted off to sleep. Even if the Doctor was clueless and not on her list of people she wanted to be around she had to stick by him, their child needed a dad and if Alec had cared this much then the Doctor could too.