Chapter Text
Lincoln Centre, 2012…
“WE DID IT, BECS!” Chloe excitedly squealed.
She was practically jumping up and down as she held her best friend’s hands and tried to get her to join her, but she frowned when she made no sort of move to do so.
“Beca? Are you okay?”
“Y-yeah, I just…I have something to tell you!” Beca nervously responded, instinctively fiddling with the slightly taller girl’s slim fingers to try and calm herself down, “Um…C-can we just…”
They were forced to practically yell over the crowd’s adoring hollers and applause and the other Barden University Bellas’ celebratory cheers.
The girls, as a new misfit family of sorts, had just won the finals of the 2012 International Championship of Collegiate A cappella over their biggest rivals, the Barden University Treblemakers. They had also just been awarded a pretty impressive trophy, so you could say they were pretty proud of themselves. They had finally accomplished the one thing that they’d been working for the entire year and everyone was ecstatic.
Everyone except for Beca apparently and that was a concerning sign.
“Yeah. Yeah, sure. Come on,” the redhead replied as she guided the small brunette to the side of the stage where it was a little quieter, slightly worried by the anxious look on her face, “What’s up, Becs? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, no, I-I’m fine, I just…Um — I love you,” the tiny DJ confessed in a pretty ungraceful manner, looking anywhere but into the older girl’s bright, electric-blue eyes.
Chloe giggled nonchalantly and responded, “I love you too, Becs.”
Beca released a breathy laugh and attempted a smile, but it dropped quite quickly as she clarified, “No. Chlo, like…I-I mean I love you.”
The ginger still didn’t seem to be getting it, which prompted another awkward, breathy laugh from Beca as she ran a hand over her face in frustration with herself.
She internally fumbled as she tried to piece together a proper way to fully explain her thoughts, but she knew that that would end with them being there probably until the following year, so she just went for it. She was a singer, she had to be good at improv anyway, right?
“Okay, I-I really hope this won’t make you think I’m a weirdo or a creep or something,” Beca started to elaborate, evidently already going well with her awkward rambling, “So, what I’m trying to tell you is…I love you in more than a friend way and I-I’m really sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable, but…I mean…can you blame me, heh?
“You’re just…so sweet and caring and beautiful. Since the moment I saw you at that stupid activities fair, I felt something light up inside me. Ever since, you’ve always been on my mind 24/7 . You’re the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thought on my mind at night when I fall asleep.
“Fuck, you even invade my dreams sometimes…but in-in a good way. God, that sounds so creepy. Um…Okay, remember on Hood Night, you told me that we were gonna be really fast friends? Well, you were right, but…I always thought that maybe…we could be more?”
Chloe stood there wide-eyed and slightly slack-jawed, completely in shock.
She couldn’t believe that Beca liked her like that. It didn’t not make sense when she looked back on their relationship now, but she just didn’t see herself as being the kind of person the younger girl would crush on.
Apparently she was though and now she was sort of stuck in this dilemma between not wanting to lose her best friend but also not wanting to lead her on any more than she might’ve already.
As she tried to find the right words to express these conflicting feelings, she saw the twinkle of hope and pure adoration in Beca's eyes.
This was going to be difficult.
“Becs, I…You’re amazing too. I’ll never think that you’re a creep and I’ll never be uncomfortable around you,” the senior tried to say it as gently as she possibly could, “I just…I don’t…like you like that. I-I’m so sorry, Beca. I love you, but…just as a friend.”
Chloe’s heart ached slightly when a flash of disappointment and hurt crossed Beca's face. However, it was gone in an instant and covered up with a very small but genuine smile.
“Yeah, no, it-it’s okay. I didn’t think — …I mean, I just…I had to tell you. I had to, you know, get it out there. Um…” the small brunette stuttered as she awkwardly played with her own fingers, trying to ignore the dull heaviness in her chest, “I really hope this doesn’t…affect us.”
“Of course not, Becs. You’re one of my best friends and I don’t wanna lose you either,” the redhead agreed, then jokingly added to lighten the mood, “I mean, I get it. I’m basically a goddess.”
The two giggled, then Chloe cautiously questioned after a brief silence had fallen upon them, “Are you really sure you’re okay though?”
Beca felt her hand lightly brush her arm and knew what she was implying.
She couldn’t deny the instinctive impulse. The slight urge to feel the cold blade on any one of her limbs. To feel her skin splitting while the contrasting warm blood ran down and temporarily stained her body for having stupidly thought that there could’ve even been a chance that the gorgeous and amazing (she said so herself) goddess would actually like her back.
Nevertheless, she repressed it as much as she could and forced the smile to remain on her face.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” the tiny DJ replied with a light nod.
“Are you sure?” Chloe asked again.
She wanted to make sure that Beca wasn’t going to do something she’d regret later and she definitely didn't want to be the cause of it. She’d never forgive herself and she was sure the younger girl wouldn’t either. She probably also would never trust her or want to see her again and she didn’t think that she could handle losing her.
“Promise,” Beca reassured her, pulling the slightly taller girl into a tight hug to prove it.
She was admittedly pretty devastated that the redhead didn’t like her back, but she could deal just as long as Chloe didn't leave.
If the redhead left her, she honestly wouldn’t know what to do. Her life would become so much more meaningless. She couldn’t bear even just the thought of losing her best friend, but she was still there. She was still with her even if it wasn’t in the way that she’d hoped for and that was okay.
New York, 2020
“Beca!” Chloe hastily knocked on the big sliding door, calling to the woman through the heavy wood, “Beca, come on, open up! Please! Becs, you gave me a spare key, so we’re coming in either way! Come on, please, we just wanna know that you’re okay!”
No answer.
“Is she coming?” Stacie asked from the bottom of the stone stairs just outside the front door.
Meanwhile, Aubrey was standing beside her, still looking around every once in a while in case one of the two they were searching for came walking down their way.
The redhead at the top of the stairs turned with a sigh and shook her head sadly.
None of the three had heard from the small woman for a week now. That wasn’t normal. They were all still the best of friends, they still managed to have weekly get-togethers despite their busy schedules, and they could still barely go eight hours without shooting at least a simple “Hey” text. So to say they were pretty worried was a significant understatement.
“Chlo, seriously, just use the key. They’ll understand,” Aubrey told her, “Probably.”
She knew Chloe had just added that part to coax Beca into answering if she was indeed home. She didn’t really—none of them did actually—want to use the key for fear of invading their privacy, especially since Beca was…well Beca, but this was starting to become strange and they were all concerned, needless to say.
The redhead sighed, finally giving in and reluctantly taking the key with which Beca had entrusted her and unlocked the door.
The three girls carefully and as quietly as possible entered the apartment, softly closing the door behind them (well, as softly as they could with an old, creaky, heavy sliding door).
“Beca?” Chloe called out, her voice ringing throughout the silent apartment.
“Where could she be? Do you think they’re actually out? Maybe they’ve been on a trip and she just didn’t tell us,” Aubrey wondered aloud, though they all knew it was a weak reason.
Beca told them basically everything.
“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” Chloe nevertheless agreed, though clearly unconvinced, still feeling guilty about entering the apartment without permission, “Then I guess we probably shouldn’t be in their house.”
The three girls turned to leave, but Stacie suddenly stopped them all. “Wait! Do you hear that?”
They all froze and made no noise whatsoever.
A soft sound cut through the silence, echoing almost inaudibly from somewhere further in the apartment. It sounded like a small, choked sob and it sounded female.
This immediately alerted the girls of something wrong and their concern intensified tenfold.
“Beca?” Chloe called out again, a little more frantically.
The crying instantly stopped. She must’ve thought they’d left already and now she knew she was caught.
“Bathroom,” Stacie simply mouthed as the three began to creep towards said room.
Beca was crying in the bathroom. Not good. Not good at all. They all knew what that could potentially mean, but they didn’t want to jump to conclusions and even consider the possibility of a relapse after so many years.
“Beca, are you okay?” Aubrey asked once they were in the bedroom.
Nothing. Now, they were panicking.
“Beca?” the tallest woman called for her again once they rounded the large bed and entered the tiny kitchen.
They reached the bathroom and noticed that the light was on based on the thin stream seeping through from the crack between the door and the floor.
“Beca, are you in there?” Chloe questioned softly as she pressed a hand and an ear against the wood lightly, “Is it okay if we come in?”
Again, no response.
“Maybe we should let her come to us,” Aubrey gently suggested, delicately placing her hand on her best friend’s shoulder, before starting to make her way back to the living room.
The other two were about to reluctantly follow when they heard a few loud thuds come from inside the bathroom.
They immediately spun back around and yanked at the knob, only to find it locked.
“Beca?” Stacie and Aubrey yelled to her in panic as they knocked on the door loudly.
Meanwhile, the redhead desperately searched through the drawers to find a key and almost hopped in celebration when she succeeded. Ignoring the childish urge, she hurriedly inserted the key into the keyhole and swiftly shoved the door open.
“Oh my god! Beca!”