Chapter Text
Anxiety has been a part of Yukhei’s life since he can remember, the absolutely pressing feeling of fear following him everywhere he goes has never stopped, nor will it stop any time soon, or at least that’s what he’s been told his whole life.
From everything that anxiety brings to him the thing he hates the most is the overthinking. It’s not that he’s bothered by the overthinking itself but what it entails because it does not only mean that he would spend sleepless nights almost every day but, it also means that communication with any other human being is one of the hardest, most complicated tasks he has ever tried to perform.
The fact that every time he opens his mouth someone will be able to judge him in every way possible scares him to death, so he just prefers not to say anything other than when he’s asked to or, if it’s completely necessary and even then, his brain first comes to every terrible conclusion and possibility before he even speaks a word, and when words come out it just seems like nonsense.
One would think that the life of an idol, especially when it’s in a different country would be impossible for someone like Yukhei, but here he is, in South Korea with a bunch of other guys trying to achieve the same dream as he is, and he feels completely out of it.
He noticed the familiar feeling when they arrived at the concert hall, the tightness in his chest, the urge to cry and hide somewhere where he would feel safe. The tingling in his chest telling him to to run away, to hide and never come back.
He couldn’t do that, he was not about to let everyone down and even more important than that, he was not about to reveal his dirty little secret to anyone. Other than one of the managers no one really knew what Yukhei went through every day of his life so having an anxiety attack right then and there was an absolute no.
“Breathe...breathe...breathe” was what Yukhei kept repeating to himself. It’s what he had to do, as simple as that, breathe, like every other human being does...right, how do you do that again?
No, no, he had to breathe, otherwise he would be absolute and utterly...fucked.
They went inside to start getting ready for the concert and that’s when things started going downhill.
As Lucas sat on the chair for makeup and hair he noticed his chest getting even tighter, the faces of the makeup artists being so close were starting to freak him out a bit more than usual. He could feel the fingers of the staff running through his head, his face and even through his legs.
He couldn’t handle it anymore, he had to go somewhere, anywhere but where he was right now.
The moment the staff told him he was ready he ran to the nearest bathroom, closing the door upon arriving, he wanted to cry and curl up in a ball and so that’s what he did. He curled up in a ball in the bathroom floor while ugly sobs escaped his mouth.
He couldn’t breathe, he could feel his lungs trying to get all the air possible but it seemed like they were failing to do that simple task. Yukhei was shaking and he didn’t know how to stop it, he just needed to breathe and he couldn’t and at that point, he really didn’t know what to do, so he cried.
Maybe 5 minutes had passed when he heard a knock on the door and a familiar voice, it was his manager, Dong–Sun, the only one who knew his secret? Yeah that one.
After half registering who it was he shakily opened the door without leaving his spot on the floor. His lungs still refused to do this thing called breathing and the shaking in his hands had become even worse in the last few minutes. His manager kneeled in front of him and approached him as if he wanted to hug him, but Yukhei flinched. The movement was involuntary, not on purpose, he didn’t mean to but- breathe
He longed for his manager’s comforting touch but his mind and body had apparently decided every human contact meant ‘danger’ and so, even if he didn’t mean it, he wasn’t allowing someone to touch him any time soon.
“No touching, ok” was what his manager said in the most calming voice Yukhei had ever heard.
“Can I hold your hands for a second?” a nod was all Yukhei managed to answer, but it was enough for Dong–Sun to gently hold his hands and place them on his chest.
“Now you’re going to breathe for me ok?” he said while taking deep breaths so that Lucas could follow. Lucas tried, he really tried but it just seemed impossible,. He felt like his lungs were giving up on him and he started to panic again.
Dong–Sun quickly shushed him and repeated the same exaggerated motion of taking deep breaths, this time, it was easier for Yukhei to follow, not as easy as it would be normally, but he could feel oxygen entering his system and that was all he needed at the moment. The same process continued for at least 10 minutes until Yukhei could finally breathe on his own, the tears had stopped, and he was only slightly shaking now that his lungs had finally decided that they would do their job.
Yukhei stood up slowly with the help of his manager who gave him a small smile before both of them exited the small stall.
He walked towards the room he had previously been in and there’s where he found a very, very angry Taeyong and disappointed looking members. Yukhei was confused, what had he done wrong? Then, he looked at the clock, they were 5 minutes late, because of him, because he couldn’t control himself they were now late, he was as useless as everyone said, couldn’t even breathe by himself.
Yukhei quickly apologised, he tried to explain why he had been late but Taeyong was having none of it.
“What the hell Lucas?!” Taeyong shouted, Yukhei flinched, he had never seen him that angry. Taeyong never lost his cool that way, was it really that terrible? “So you think you can come and go as you please? Don’t you know this is a job?!”
Of course, Yukhei knew that this was a job, that it was his obligation but he really hadn’t meant to be late, he couldn’t control it he was just in pain he– “I don’t know about you but some of us take this seriously so if you don’t want to be here then you should just go!!” Taeyong shouted once again, he was so so angry and with every word the boy pronounced, Yukhei just felt smaller, it was as if he was a kid once again, trapped inside those four walls, booming voice vibrating against the walls and he was scared, terrified of Taeyong and he couldn’t really explain why.
He looked at Taeyong looking for something more than just anger but then “It’s not like you make that much of a difference”
Silence crept over the room, Taeyong looked as if he had just registered what he had said and Yukhei...Yukhei was pale and terrified, had he heard right? He knew that he was useless but he didn’t think his members thought the same way.
Taeyong was right, it’s not like they needed him, not like he was essential, he could really just disappear and no one would notice, they would probably do better without him.
Those were the thoughts crossing Yukhei’s mind at that moment, he could feel the shaking coming back but this time, this time he didn’t run, he just stood there, in the middle of the room, hoping that he could just disappear, for the earth to swallow him and never appear again.
Then he heard something, a loud and authoritarian “Hey!” was heard across the room but to Yukhei’s surprise, it was not directed to him, it was directed to Taeyong. Yukhei was shocked, why was Doyoung reprimanding Taeyong when he had done nothing wrong, he just voiced what everyone else was thinking, right?
“Stop that now!” Doyoung said while approaching the both of them, “We are a team and right now, we have a concert to perform, as a TEAM, so get yourselves together and get moving.”
It wasn’t angry, it was calm and firm, but to Yukhei’s mind, Doyoung was just as disappointed as the rest of them.
Because of him now the whole group looked tense. Kun had patted his head before going under the stage to somehow comfort him but it did nothing to ease Yukhei’s mind. They had gone up the stage and he moved on autopilot, only smiling when he noticed the camera was close, his legs and arms felt alien to him, his mind was distracted but apparently, his body was completely focused. &
When the moment of saying goodbye came, he just said “Thank you. I love you. We’ll see each other soon” with the fakest smile he could manage, not like anyone expected something from him, he was just there to complete the choreography after all.
He didn’t want to interact with the others so he just changed into his clothes and sat in a corner with his phone waiting for the van to arrive. A figure was suddenly standing in front of him. Doyoung, right, he was going to get scolded again, not like he didn’t deserve it but he was tired and he had understood, couldn’t they see that?
“Are you ok?” Well, that was unexpected, Yukhei had expected anything, ANYTHING, but that. So he just stared into Doyoung’s face trying to figure out what was happening. His confusion must have been evident because Doyoung sat next to him as if assuring him that he wasn’t mad, that was even weirder, Yukhei thought.
“You know Taeyong didn’t mean that right? He shouldn’t have said something like that, he–“
“But he’s right isn’t he?” –I’m just a burden to this team, it wouldn’t make any difference if I left– but he wasn’t going to say that, he just left it there, the words unspoken but there.</p>
“No, he was not. Don’t you ever think that you are not important to this team, Taeyong just let himself be carried away by his emotions but he doesn’t mean that, do you understand?” Lucas just stared at him, not sure what he should answer.
His brain was telling him that Doyoung was right, that he was important and that others cared for him, but his emotions, those little voices in his head were telling him that Doyoung was a liar, that he was worthless and that NCT could do a lot better if he wasn’t there. Unfortunately, Yukhei had this tendency of following the little voices and not his brain so he just lowered his head, he didn’t nod, didn’t say anything else, just, left it there.
He hadn’t meant to, he hadn’t noticed the tears running down his cheeks, he just noticed when he felt Doyoung’s hand on his face, he hadn’t noticed when he had started crying until he felt himself being pulled into Doyoung’s embrace. He hadn’t noticed the ugly sobs that were coming out of him until he heard Doyoung shushing him, hadn’t realised he was shaking until Doyoung started to rub circles on his back.
He really hadn’t meant to cry like that but apparently, he was in pain, and now he didn’t know how to stop. He was just glad he had chosen to sit really far away from the others, glad that he was in another room so that the others wouldn’t see him breaking down.
After some time, he was better, the tears had stopped flowing like waterfalls, the sobs had become just soft hiccups but Doyoung was not letting him go, he was still in his embrace, feeling his heat and his heartbeat and his breathing and Yukhei just felt a bit more alive, he was not ok but now he felt like he could breathe.
He let himself relax while being held in the older’s embrace and he slowly stopped shaking, apparently, all he did these days was shake, he really had started to resemble a chihuahua, but he couldn’t help it, it just happened and he didn’t exactly know how to stop it so he just didn’t.
Doyoung waited until the hiccups were gone, until the shaking had completely stopped and until his breathing was normal and then he let go, not completely, he still had his arm protectively placed in Yukhei’s shoulder, but he was no longer fully wrapped around Yukhei.
Then he waited, he waited for Yukhei to speak, he just needed to hear something from Lucas, even an “I’m good” would work for him, he just needed to know that Yukhei was a bit better than what he had been 15 minutes ago, or even if he wasn’t, he needed to know what was going on, Doyoung knew this was not only about what Taeyong had said earlier, maybe that was a portion of the story, but it was most definitely not the whole thing.
Yukhei opened his mouth just to close it again, he knew he must’ve looked like a fish opening and closing his mouth like that but he didn’t know what to say, or where to start. Finally, he decided he needed the comfort of his hyung once more so he just moved his head so that it was on Doyoung’s chest. Doyoung received it, he played with his hair and waited. Yukhei started:
“I–I was having an a–anxiety at–tack be–before and I–I really didn’t mean to be, to be late b–but it wouldn’t s–stop and I–“ Yukhei was driving himself into the second anxiety attack of the day and he was not ready for that, Doyoung started rubbing circles on his back and playing with his hair once again, surprisingly, it helped.
“Oh baby, but why didn’t you tell any of us? We could’ve helped you” the older said while trying to keep his voice as calm as it could be.
“I didn’t think you’d care, I am already such a burden to the team I didn’t want to add something else to the list” Doyoung was, shocked, had they really given Lucas that impression? How hadn’t they noticed that their dongsaeng was suffering like this? How didn’t HE notice?
“I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry, I didn’t know you were in so much pain, I’m sorry” Doyoung kept repeating that, he felt guilty and he couldn’t imagine how Yukhei had been feeling this whole time for him to break down as he had done before, but to his surprise, Yukhei didn’t seem mad at all.
Yukhei turned his head to Doyoung and gave him the kindest smile, he had seen that smile multiple times, but this one, this one had a lot more meaning into it, it was an unspoken “It’s ok, I don’t blame you” and Doyoung was grateful for that.
They would get out of this, they had to, he had to help Lucas, he just didn’t know how to.