Chapter Text
He was joking, playing, fooling around with his friends.
That was apparently wrong.
And maybe they were right. Maybe...maybe he had really hurt his hyung. Maybe he was a terrible human being and everything everyone had been saying for the past month was true.
His fingers slid through the screen, his face was illuminated by the dim light of the phone and his tears sparkled in the dark. Comment after comment, DM after DM, and he could feel his heart crushing, as if it was being squeezed, the life seeping out of it with every drop of blood it pumped. Broken into a thousand pieces, discarded for being useless.
There was an ocean of letters, of words, of sentences...and he was drowning. He thinks that, once upon a time, he might've been a good swimmer, able to break through the ocean of words and breathe.
He couldn't do that anymore, it seemed. His arms and legs had grown tired of kicking and swimming. Xuxi was now drowning with no one to stop the fall.
Useless.
"You dare call someone pig when you can't be fatter, you should probably look at yourself in the mirror before judging someone else,"
"Do you even have a fucking brain? How is it possible for someone to be so dumb,"
"Nobody loves you,"
"You should at least learn how to speak first,"
"Are you going to fat-shame your fans next?"
"YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!"
"Why don't you go and die? You would be doing the world a favour,"
"I'm going OT22, nobody needs you,"
"Fat,"
"You should just kill yourself,"
........I know.
He knew. He now knew he was a terrible human being, he was dumb and useless and he couldn't even speak properly. He had been wrong, because he was always wrong. Xuxi choked on his tears, not wanting to wake up Winwin who was sleeping peacefully on the other side of the room.
Water rained down his cheeks, soaking his pillow just like words swam through his mind, soaking his brain.
When this all started, he had gone to his hyung, asking for forgiveness, with tears on his eyes and shaky hands. He had been assured that he hadn't hurt anyone, that if he ever did, they would tell him and they would talk it out. He was told not to overthink and not to take other people's opinions too harshly.
The comments didn't stop. Nor did the DMs, and emails, or the dirty looks on every fan-sign. Soon, Baekhyun's words were lost in the ocean. They too had drowned.
His thoughts didn't stop choking him, or his mind constantly attacking him.
Xuxi knew that none of those comments were true or right but, after months of people drilling into his brain that he was not worth anything, he didn't even know what was true and what was not. His brain was a muddle of thoughts and, if he was being completely honest, we could no longer differentiate between his own thoughts and people's opinions.
Xuxi curled up on himself with his phone still in his hands. Tears rolled down freely just like they had been doing every night for the past month.
His body shook slightly at the small sobs that escaped his mouth, his knuckles turned white around his phone, and even though he tried, for the sake of Winwin's sleep, small whimpers still forced their way out of his lips.
His phone vibrated in his hands. Instagram and Twitter notifications had been muted - for the sake of his sanity- so the idea of the cause being them was quickly discarded.
Slowly, he opened his phone and logged out of the app he had been in before. The boy stared at his phone's screen and found the culprit for the interruption of his misery. It was his KakaoTalk, and to be more specific, his manager texting him, at 2:00 in the damn morning.
An exasperated sigh managed its way out of the boy's mouth as he reluctantly opened the message.
"Lucas, tomorrow we'll have a meeting, we have something important to discuss. Go straight to the meeting's office when you arrive please,"
Xuxi's heart sank. That was it- he thought. They were going to kick him out of the group for being too annoying, too stupid, too dumb, rude, selfish.
Maybe it was for the best.
The thought pushed a sob out of his mouth without his consent, making his hand rush to his mouth before he woke Sicheng up.
He closed his eyes and prayed for this to be over. For the comments to stop attacking his phone and his thoughts to stop attacking his mind.
It didn't happen, of course, because nothing ever worked for him.
___________
The next day came without Yukhei noticing. Sunlight was bathing the room, gently shining on his face. Number 7 stared at him from his clock in all its green glory and for a second, and he thinks it might've just been a second, he was tempted to simply not wake up.
Tempted to ignore the hour, the schedules, the practice and the managers. Tempted.
So Xuxi just lay there, unmoving for a couple of blissful minutes before carefully sitting up. He let his legs dangle at the edge of his bed before standing up and going to wake up Winwin who still slept peacefully.
He shook the boy carefully. Sicheng's face contortioned in a displeased expression and Xuxi laughed slightly. Little by little the older boy woke up and flashed a tired smile to Xuxi, who replied with a small smile of his own.
"It's weird seeing you up before me," Winwin said jokingly, yet questioning the boy at the same time.
"I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep," he shrugged in an attempt of feigning disinterest, "so here we are," he concluded, one of his characteristic smiles adorning his face.
Sicheng hummed in response, busy trying to get rid of the sleepiness from his eyes.
They showered, got dressed, had breakfast and soon, they were leaving the dorm to go to the company building. Xuxi saw the black van waiting for them in front of their dorms and his stomach sank for a second when he remembered where he had to go once they arrived.
He kept walking, shaking himself from the stupor that his own anxiety had caused.
The driver and manager greeted them as everyone took their seats inside the van. Xuxi tried listening to what the other boys were saying in an attempt to clear his mind when suddenly their manager's voice was heard.
"Lucas, remember we have to go to the meeting I mentioned before when we arrive," he said, not even looking up from his phone.
Xuxi froze while the rest of the members looked at him, questioning looks being thrown. He swallowed the lump in his throat and smiled.
"The manager just told me yesterday that we had to discuss something. I don't really know what we have to 'discuss' though so I'm just as lost as you guys". He doesn't mention the tremendous anxiety coursing through his body, or the way he had pulled his hair that morning to stop the panic trying to overwhelm him. Doesn't mention the nasty comments saved as screenshots on his phone, or the way his stomach cramps at the idea of the meeting that's about to come.
He spoke in mandarin though. A futile, desperate effort of control. In mandarin, the conversation was his and the members', with no manager to pry, even if the man himself was the original bearer of the news.
The rest of the members nodded, some smiled slightly, and others just wore a serious and confused expression.
Xuxi smiled, in what he hoped, was a reassuring way, and continued on with the arduous task of staring out the window.
Minutes that seemed like hours, yet felt too short passed in the van until they arrived at the company building. Upon entering, they parted their own ways, Xuxi going with their manager while the others went to their respective vocal and rap practices.
Xuxi walked slowly behind the manager, his head hung low, wanting nothing but to make himself smaller.
A million thoughts crossed his mind, the comments in his photos, in their videos, the DMs on his Instagram, every single word and phrase that had been said to him that month crossed his mind and that just made everything scarier. His hands had started to shake slightly and, by the time they arrived at their destination, he was already holding back tears.
His manager opened the door revealing their dance instructor, one of the people on the board of directors, and finally, one of their stylists. Xuxi bowed profusely and sat awkwardly on the chair that was assigned to him.
They waited in complete silence for a second before his manager spoke.
"Lucas we are here because we have been reading some of the articles and comments posted about you by netizens and we have come to realize that many are disappointed and displeased with the way you look on stage and your body in general," he said as if it was the most normal thing ever.
None of them realized how Xuxi's skin became pale and how his eyes watered. He knew he wasn't the best of the best, but, he thought that at least, people enjoyed seeing him on stage just as much as he enjoyed being on it. He had always thought that even though he wasn't the best, his stage presence could make up for it. He had always thought that maybe if he worked hard enough, he could be liked by people watching.
Effort was apparently not enough.
"So Lucas, based on that, we consider it appropriate for you to start a stricter diet so that you can look more...well, like an idol,"
"Like an idol"
What did that even mean?- He thought.
It was then that he realized that maybe all the comments about his body and his appearance, all those comments that he had tried so hard to ignore and invalidate as "fake", were true. He noticed that he was not part of NCT, he had never been and he never will because everyone in NCT was kind and funny and hardworking but, most importantly, they were strong, they wouldn't have almost gone into a mental breakdown just because someone said they had to start a diet.
It was normal in the industry for people to be constantly on diets and trying to look better, so why couldn't he just suck it up and realize that if they considered it appropriate then it must be for a reason...then it must be because all of those comments were right.
The stylist spoke then, pulling Xuxi out of his thoughts.
"We, the team of stylists and I, also believe that outfits and makeup will look much, much better if you start with this diet so please follow it strictly," she said while stretching her hand towards the boy.
"Please, hand me your phone,"
Ah?
That was all that crossed his mind before reluctantly giving his unlocked phone to the stylist who then gave it to his manager. He saw the manager type some things and, after 5 minutes, he had his phone back.
"I just wrote on your phone the diet plan for the next month, and I installed an app that will help you count the calories you have eaten per day. The goal weight for the month is written under the diet plan as well. That would be all you can go now,"
He had said that as if it was the easiest thing to say, another day at work, another body to change.
It broke Xuxi a little, nonetheless. Even if he was just another body.
He knew that it wasn't really a big deal, he knew he was being dramatic and a cry baby. Making drama for nothing. Being weak, being unworthy.
Xuxi just couldn't get rid of the lump in his throat or of the horrible feeling that overwhelmed him. He forced out a polite "Thank you" and quickly left the room.
Xuxi walked through the white halls without direction. His feet were moving without his command, and, suddenly, he found himself inside the bathroom and throwing up everything he had eaten that day. He couldn't stop the tears from running freely down his cheeks and his mind from running wild in the lane of comments that it had stored. He knew that he was exaggerating, he knew that many idols had been put through worse, but for some reason that he couldn't understand, he just felt weak and useless and oh so guilty because now he knew how it felt to be said something like "As heavy as a pig" when every single comment out there said so as well. His rational part knew that his hyung hadn't been offended, that he hadn't hurt anyone, but, if everyone said he had, if everyone thought he was what they said he was, maybe he had and, maybe he was because, if the comments about his body and weight were true, what prevented other comments not to be true?
At this point, the amount of oxygen that he was receiving was not enough. He felt as if his lungs were burning, and his thoughts were taking over him. Shakingly, his hands travelled to his phone, dialling Kun's number.
One ring.
Breathe.
Two rings.
Breathe.
Three rings.
Just breathe!
A voice. Kun's voice, to be more specific, broke through his panic.
He couldn't breathe.
In a broken and croaky voice that resonated through the speaker, he spoke, trying to make Kun understand that he was desperate and panicking and dying.
"Gege," it slipped out of Xuxi's lips, only above a whisper.
There was a brief silence on the other side of the line before a voice that sounded just as panicked as he felt.
"Xuxi?! Xuxi what's wrong?!" Kun said, fear filling his voice.
"Gege I-I can't breathe," he said, gasping for air. He heard the panicked voices on the other side of the line but didn't pay much attention to them as he was mainly concentrating on the excruciating task that had become breathing.
"Xuxi?! Xuxi can you hear me?!" Kun said, worry and alarm evident in his voice. Xuxi didn't answer, he couldn't, he was in a prison of fear and pain and he didn't know how to get out so he just croaked a small, broken, attempt of an answer.
"Bathroom" was all he said before hanging up, unable to bear the voices of the outside world plus the voices in his head. He curled up on that dirty bathroom floor, struggling to breathe as every breath felt like venom to his lungs. His whole body shook and, just before his vision went black, he saw a couple of figures approaching him and then
...nothing.