Work Text:
"What made you decide to join Kim Dokja's Company?"
Jang Hayoung shrugged. "I was looking for a summer job and your flyers were all over the place, so."
Yoo Sangah wrote down [The candidate demonstrates qualities of perseverance, independence, and a thirst for constant self-improvement] on her notepad in a neat black line.
"Can you tell me what you know about our company?" she asked, setting down her pen and lacing her fingers together.
Jang Hayoung's face scrunched up in pain as she struggled to think of a good answer. "...Your president's name is Kim Dokja?"
"An astute observation. Please do go on."
Buoyed by her success, Jang Hayoung continued in a more confident voice, "And you're based in Seoul."
"Very true."
"Your president is also really hot."
"Unfortunately that’s inaccurate, but I’m sure he would be glad you think so." Yoo Sangah beamed at her. "I see you've done a lot of research into our company, Hayoung-ssi. Would you happen to know how we operate?"
"By...operating?"
"You see, our financial model follows what we call a ‘reverse funnel system’, where higher-ranked members funnel their knowledge down to members in the rank underneath them. The more members you recruit and the more sales you make, the more money you'll earn."
"Isn't this a pyramid scheme?"
"No, it's a reverse funnel system," Yoo Sangah said patiently. "Think of it as a meritocracy, if you will. We don't discriminate based on age, gender, race, or sexuality, only the amount of money you earn for the company. In fact, one of our top employees is only 10 years old."
"Is that even legal?"
Yoo Sangah's smile didn't waver. "We've never been reported for human rights violations, if that's what you're asking."
"Fair enough," Jang Hayoung replied, tapping her foot. "Can I ask which products you sell again? I'm kind of confused."
Yoo Sangah reached into her pocket and plopped a small vial of dark liquid down on the table in front of her. It had the consistency of runny maple syrup, and sloshed ominously against the glass as she slid it over to Jang Hayoung.
"Our company produces dokkaebi oil," Yoo Sangah explained. "I could go over its many uses and properties with you, but I think it's better if I leave that up to the experts." Standing up, she asked, "Would you like a tour of the company facilities, Hayoung-ssi?"
"Uh, sure."
Jang Hayoung got to her feet as well after passing the oil back to Yoo Sangah, and the two of them headed out the glass doors and into the company lobby. The teenage receptionist in the front was lounging in her chair with her feet propped up on a school desk, and she immediately sat up straight when she noticed Yoo Sangah.
"Hey unnie," she greeted. Her name tag read 'Lee Jihye'. "Is it time for the tour already? Do you want me to call Yoosung for you?"
"That would be great."
Jang Hayoung was expecting Lee Jihye to pick up the phone or turn on the intercom, but instead the girl cupped her hands around her mouth and hollered at the top of her lungs. "SHIN YOOSUNG! REPORT DOWN TO THE FRONT DESK!"
Yoo Sangah smoothly removed her hands from her ears after the human intercom had finished her announcement. "Thank you, Jihye."
"Any time, Sangah-unnie," said Lee Jihye, flashing her a thumbs up and a grin.
Shin Yoosung was a little girl.
Jang Hayoung was mystified by this development. She had been expecting an actual professional, not someone who was a walking labour law violation. "Shouldn't you be in elementary school right now?"
"This is the front desk," said Shin Yoosung. She pointed at Lee Jihye, "and that's our receptionist. You can always ask Jihye-unnie to make you a cup of coffee if you're thirsty, and you have a 20% chance of getting your wish granted if she's in a good mood."
"Are you ignoring me?"
"That's Sangah-unnie's office. You can tell by the smell of incense." Shin Yoosung started walking down the hall and gesturing at each of the offices in turn, Jang Hayoung trailing after her. "That's Heewon-unnie's office, I'm not allowed in there because the legal drinking age in South Korea is 19. That's Hyunsung-oppa's office, and the door beside that is my office."
"It says 'Shin Yoosung and Lee Gilyoung' on it," Jang Hayoung pointed out. "Who's Lee Gilyoung?"
"Someone useless," she said dismissively. "Anyway, that door's Seolhwa-unnie's office, this door's Sooyoung-unnie's office, the room at the end of the hall is Dokja-ahjussi's office, and Joonghyuk-ahjussi doesn't have an office anymore because he broke his old one. Speaking of Sooyoung-unnie, we should probably go talk to her. She's in charge of finances and everything apart from human resources and sales, including homicide but excluding the birds and the bees talks."
"Why is there an option for sex ed?"
"I'll be the one training you once you start work," said Shin Yoosung, who continued to ignore her questions. "But if you want to learn more about the product, she's the one to go to."
"Why are we going into the women's washroom?"
"Because Sooyoung-unnie might be in here," Shin Yoosung answered.
“If she’s in the washroom, shouldn’t we give her some privacy? Wait, why are all my lines questions?”
Shin Yoosung clicked her tongue in disapproval like she couldn’t believe she had to explain this. “Sooyoung-unnie usually uses washroom breaks as an opportunity to embezzle funds from the company’s accounts, so we have to be extra careful.”
Luckily the bathroom was empty, so they didn't have to crawl under the stalls to scare Han Sooyoung out. Looking dismayed, Shin Yoosung left the bathroom and headed down a different corridor full of meeting rooms on either side. She kicked open the first door and peeked inside.
"I'm pretty sure that meeting room is empty," said Jang Hayoung.
“That's exactly why Sooyoung-unnie might be sleeping in it.” Shin Yoosung checked all the equally empty meeting rooms, and sadly found them all lacking in Han Sooyoung. “Since she isn’t here, I guess you can meet Dokja-ahjussi first,” she said. “I'm not allowed to look for him because I might see something inappropriate, so Heewon-unnie can show you the way there. HEEWON-UNNIE!"
What was with these people and screaming each other's names?
A tall woman materialized at the other end of the corridor. There was a piece of beef jerky hanging out of her mouth. "What's up?" she asked. Her eyes fell on Jang Hayoung. "Oh, is this the new girl?"
"Yes. Can you find Dokja-ahjussi for her?"
"Sure."
"I'm Jang Hayoung," said Jang Hayoung, holding out her hand. The most important tip for navigating office politics was to strike first.
"Jung Heewon." Beef jerky woman shook it. "Follow me, I'll introduce you to Kim Dokja."
This was the first time Jang Hayoung had met the president of a company she worked or was going to work at, and she was extremely excited. She wondered if he would look as hot as his photos.
Instead of leading her to the president's office that Shin Yoosung had shown her earlier, Jung Heewon brought her to a rather rundown area in the office space, and started wrenching open random dusty doors that didn't seem to lead anywhere.
"We better hope they're in one of these spare offices, because there's no way in hell I'm going into the men's washroom again," she commented, disgusted.
"Ha ha," said Jang Hayoung. She paused. "Wait, you're not joking?"
"Of course not."
"Hey, if you guys have so many spare offices, why does Shin Yoosung have to share one with some other guy?"
Jung Heewon kicked open the door of a storage room, which was also empty. "It's to promote harmony," she said cryptically. "Also, these aren't spare offices, they’re currently in use."
"You mean as storage rooms?"
"No." Jung Heewon opened the door to a broom closet and two disheveled-looking men fell out. "I mean as dens of sin. Good morning, Dokja-ssi, Joonghyuk-ssi."
The shorter man braced himself against the wall and hastily straightened his crooked tie with one hand. "Good morning, Heewon-ssi," he said weakly. "Who's this? A client?"
"She's the new recruit," said Jung Heewon. She patted Jang Hayoung on the shoulder and winked. "I'm going to dip now, I have a date in half an hour. Have fun with Dokja-ssi."
"Yeah." Jang Hayoung turned around and stared at Kim Dokja, who was trying to discreetly do up the buckle of his pants. She pretended not to see that and offered her hand to him. "Nice to meet you, President Kim, I'm Jang Hayoung."
“You can just call me Kim Dokja. I would shake your hand, Hayoung-ssi, but I’m afraid that would be in violation of the workplace health and safety act,” Kim Dokja said apologetically.
Jang Hayoung looked down at his hand. There was some suspicious white fluid on it. Kim Dokja quickly hid it behind his back.
Yoo Joonghyuk, on the other hand, looked completely unfazed by the fact he just got caught making out in a closet with his boss. He walked past the both of them without even glancing at her, all while buttoning up his shirt at a leisurely pace.
"That's my secretary, Yoo Joonghyuk,” said Kim Dokja, gesturing towards his retreating back. “He used to be vice president, but after a series of unfortunate events, he got demoted to his current position."
"There’s so many abs..."
"Pardon?"
Jang Hayoung snapped out of her daze. "Never mind what I said."
"Right."
Kim Dokja stopped by the men's washroom to wash his hands before walking with her back towards the more populated parts of the office. "How much do you know about dokkaebi oil?" he asked.
"Nothing," Jang Hayoung said bluntly. "What even is a dokkaebi? A snake?"
"No, it's different from snake oil—"
"How do you even catch these so-called dokkaebis and milk them anyway?"
"We don't milk them—"
"What does the oil even do?"
"You know," said Kim Dokja, "I'm starting to think you don't respect m—"
Jang Hayoung blinked at him innocently. "What gave you that impression?"
“...”
They emerged from the sketchy corridor to the main area of the office where Lee Jihye was located. She had her feet propped up on the table again, and Kim Dokja frowned at the sight of her sneakers leaving scuff marks on the wood. He came to a stop in front of her and cleared his throat pointedly.
"Jihye, could you get me a cup of water please?"
Lee Jihye smacked her gum and didn't even look up from her magazine. "No."
Kim Dokja sighed and headed over to the water fountain himself. "I'm sorry some of our employees seem rather unmotivated," he said, pouring himself a cup of water. "It's a long-term problem we're currently working on during our mandatory Monday rituals."
"What kind of rituals do you mean?"
"They're just rituals."
"I know, but what kind?"
Kim Dokja looked confused. "I don't understand what you're trying to ask."
"The fact that you're not explaining what these rituals are makes them seem even more sketchy."
"Our company also has a vibrant workplace culture," said Kim Dokja, determined to ignore her. Now she understood who Shin Yoosung got her mannerisms from. "Monday is Bring Your Sword to Work day, Tuesday is—"
"Is sword a euphemism for something?"
"No? Tuesday is Sunfish Appreciation Day, Wednesday is Weirdly Professional Wednesday where we actually dress professionally, and we have Therapy Dog here on Fridays."
Today was Wednesday. If this was what 'professional' looked like, she didn't want to know what their definition of 'unprofessional' was.
"Don't you mean therapy dogs?" asked Jang Hayoung.
"No, because there's only one," Kim Dokja replied. "It's mostly an excuse for Yoosung to bring her dog to work and for me to get some therapy, but you're always welcome to pet it."
Suddenly, the main door to the office swung open and hit the opposite wall with a bang. A woman was standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips, one leg outstretched.
"Hey losers," she called out, lowering her foot. "What have you guys been up to?"
Lee Jihye blew a bubble, and it popped noisily. "Nothing much, Sooyoung-unnie. Just catching up on gossip."
"You're three hours late for work, Han Sooyoung," said Kim Dokja.
"So? Are you expecting me to dock my own pay or something? Pfft, don't be naive." Han Sooyoung stepped into the office and closed the door behind her with her foot. She looked Jang Hayoung up and down. "Oh, is this the newbie? Are you showing her around right now?"
Jang Hayoung recognized authority when she saw it, and she could tell that Han Sooyoung was the real person in charge around here. "I'm Jang Hayoung," she said eagerly. "Nice to meet you."
"Same." Han Sooyoung turned back to Kim Dokja. "Want me to take over from here so you can go back to giving your secretary bro jobs in the closet?"
Kim Dokja's eye twitched in annoyance. "Sure, but not for the reason you mentioned."
Han Sooyoung flashed a bright grin at Jang Hayoung. "I bet Kim Dokja was boring you with all his talk about the product and how it's good for you, right?"
"Actually, he didn't talk about the product at all," said Jang Hayoung. "I legitimately have no clue what I'm supposed to be selling to the unsuspecting populace."
Han Sooyoung waved her hand in dismissal. "It's fine, you'll figure it out eventually. Let's talk about stuff that's actually cool, like money. Follow me."
They made their way to Han Sooyoung's office together, and sat down on opposite sides of the desk in the middle of the room.
Han Sooyoung leaned back in her chair and laced her fingers on top of her desk, schooling her face into a serious expression. "Jang Hayoung-ssi, what are your salary expectations?"
Jang Hayoung's mind whirled with equations and formulas and calculus and all sorts of mental math related things. "...Something more than minimum wage?" she tried.
Han Sooyoung shook her head. "I'm afraid that's not going to happen, because employees at Kim Dokja's Company get paid from their commissions."
"What do you mean?"
"For every bottle of dokkaebi oil you sell, you earn 50% of the profits. So the more you sell, the more you'll earn. There’s no guaranteed wage."
“That sounds like a red flag," said Jang Hayoung. "What if I don't sell anything one month?"
"Then you're not going to make any money," Han Sooyoung told her. "It's a dokkaebi-eat-dokkaebi world out there, Jang Hayoung-ssi. We're not playing any games. Well, except on Board Game Nights."
"What about my future prospects?" Jang Hayoung inquired. "Are there any opportunities for advancement?"
Han Sooyoung rubbed her chin in thought. "Well, I've been trying to find a reason to demote Jung Heewon for a long time now, so I guess you can replace her if you work hard."
"I see.” Jang Hayoung frowned. "Just checking, are there any other requirements to the position I should be aware of?"
"Well," said Han Sooyoung, "all of our employees are required to be certified in First Aid because the president has a tendency to drop dead at irregular intervals throughout the day. It's a medical condition beyond his control."
Jang Hayoung wrinkled her nose.
"Don't worry about giving him mouth-to-mouth though, Yoo Joonghyuk has that covered."
Jang Hayoung unwrinkled her nose.
"Also, you have to be decently proficient at dokkaebi hunting, because our company believes in self-sustainability."
"Right."
"And you're contractually obligated to attend Lee Gilyoung and Shin Yoosung's parent-teacher conferences."
"Okay."
"And you might occasionally witness the president and his secretary feeling each other up in abandoned offices, so we’re going to need you to sign a Non-disclosure agreement for that."
"Sure."
"And when our company's in the red, we'll pay employees in bottles of dokkaebi oil instead of money."
"I see."
Han Sooyoung let out an inaudible sigh. "With all these things in mind, I totally understand if you want to dodge this bullet and get a real job—"
"No, this sounds great," said Jang Hayoung. "When can I start?"