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Jisung’s limbs jerked as his eyes quickly opened. He winced at the sunlight emanating from the window. The blinds had been pulled back just a crack but it was enough for light to seep through and paint the room in a warm, light glow. He could feel sweat dripping down his body. His pillow and the sheets beneath him were drenched. Despite the sweat covering him, his body felt cold. Chills creeped up his spine and he could feel himself involuntarily shudder as he removed the damp blanket that covered him.
These night terrors were becoming more frequent now. All throughout the night, Jisung’s body would jerk and twitch and his eyes would pop open. He’d lay in bed, body frozen, as he tried to remember where he was. His legs would feel sore as if he had just finished running a mile and he’d feel droplets of sweat cascade down his tightened back muscles. This moment of consciousness would only last for a brief moment before he fell back asleep; the same thing to happen again hours later and repeat until he finally awoke for the day.
If the other members noticed his restless sleeping patterns, they didn’t say anything. It made sense; they often returned from practice or recording sessions too tired to properly think and they often just passed out and slept soundly through the night. Well, all of them except Jisung. He didn’t know when these abrupt body spasms happened or even why. His anxiety was under control. He was taking his medications (usually), he was seeing a therapist once a month, and he spoke to his group members whenever he felt his anxiety intensify even if it was for the most minor things.
The interrupted sleep was going to take a toll on him sooner or later. Like any normal person, he would become snappy and more irritable if his sleep was cut short. No amount of coffee or unhealthy energy drinks would be able to give him the proper energy and functionality that a proper night’s sleep would give him. Sooner or later he was going to say something he’d regret and hurt someone’s feelings or make a mistake so severe that everyone would be mad at him.
The lack of restful sleep combined with those anxious thoughts made Jisung a more quiet but jittery mess. He would jump at any noise he heard that was louder than normal speaking volume, he would wince at bright lights whether it was from the sun or his phone screen, and he would be shivering and claiming to be cold despite sweat dripping from his forehead or staining his shirts. His hyungs were beginning to notice the drastic change from Jisung’s normal behavior. There were times where he got “bad” and would spend a few weeks, sometimes months, in a reclusive state, only speaking when spoken to and just lying in bed with his phone and thoughts.
Usually when this happened, Chan and Changbin tried to cheer up Jisung by comforting him with cutesy animated movies or baking him sweets that often ended up tasting way too salty and floury – they’ve been banned since from baking and now ask Felix to whip up the treats instead. When Jisung got like that, the two of them had a plan but Jisung has never acted like this before. He never showed physical symptoms like excessive sweating and cold chills or acted so jumpy around sounds. He just got quiet and lost in his thoughts.
Something else Jisung desired when he got “bad” was physical affection and words of affirmation. He desired hugs and cuddles and kisses on his cheeks whether it was from his boyfriends or the other members. He liked to be praised and reminded of how valuable he was and how much the others loved his friendship and companionship.
This new anxious Jisung didn’t want any of that.
He would flinch when Changbin tried to pull him into a hug and take a step to the side when Chan tried to hold his hand. He would grimace when Jeongin told him he looked cute that day. Jisung would avert his gaze when Felix or Minho complimented his dancing but it wasn’t in a bashful way – it was more like he was trying to curl into his own body and hide from anyone’s view.
This wasn’t their usual Jisung. Even when he was feeling the affects of his anxiety disorder, he didn’t behave like this. The common remedies weren’t working anymore and the other members could see the aftermath of Jisung not taking care of himself. His skin looked more sickly and almost grimy, his eyes looked dull and unfocused, his hair was greasy and unkempt, and he rarely ate anymore.
Anytime they tried to address the problems, they were met with, “I’m fine,” or “It’s no big deal,” or “I’ll get better soon, don’t worry.”
Jisung saw no qualms about what he was doing. He was doing fine. He ate sometimes and at least he was still brushing his teeth. So maybe when he stepped into the shower for only three minutes it was to quickly wash away the sweat from a rigorous practice and maybe he abandoned his skincare routine completely and maybe he barely washed his sweat drenched bed sheets and maybe he just laid in bed all day not speaking to anyone or moving but he was fine.
Totally fine.
Nothing was wrong.
The elephant in the room was addressed during a movie night. Chan had insisted they spend time together doing something fun to unwind from a stressful week. They settled into cuddle piles on the couch and the blanket nest formed on the floor.
Everyone was smushed together except one. Except Jisung.
Jisung sat in the single armchair curled in on himself and staring at the wall.
The others shared a look before Jeongin spoke up.
“Hyung? Do you wanna sit with us? You can see the TV better from over here.”
Jisung didn’t break his stare from the wall as he gave out a meek, “no thank you.”
“Do you want some popcorn? I made it extra buttery,” Felix said from his spot in between Hyunjin and Minho.
Jisung shook his head, again not looking away from the wall.
Nobody said anything else as Changbin hit play on the remote and the movie began.
The room was dark and only illuminated when the movie was bright. They kept the volume low for Jisung’s sake but he didn’t flinch any time there was a loud noise. He just kept staring at the wall. His body didn’t move and remained in the same position for the entire duration of the movie: knees pulled up his chest, cheek pressed against the back of the armchair, and hands crossed at his ankles. The only movement coming from Jisung was the rise and fall of his chest and the single tear that cascaded down his cheek, unseen and unfelt.
His breathing was infrequent and there were too many long pauses between breaths. Chan and Changbin usually recognized those signs as Jisung getting too lost in his mind. They rose from the couch and walked over to Jisung, crouching in front of him and whispering.
“Angel, are you here? Can you hear us?” Chan asked.
No response from Jisung. Not even a blink.
Chan and Changbin shared a look; the other Stray Kids watching cautiously as the movie resumed playing in the background.
Changbin moved to the arm of the armchair Jisung was facing. He slowly rose into Jisung’s line of sight and lifted his hands. “Is it okay if I touch you, angel? Do you remember our signs?”
Seconds passed but it felt like minutes. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath, afraid that breathing too loudly would prevent them from hearing Jisung’s response.
His pupils were dilated and unfocused. Changbin slowly lowered himself so he was crouching on the chair’s arm, holding his hands up again, closer to Jisung. “Angel, if you can hear me, grab my left hand.”
Jisung’s pupils constricted but his gaze remained facing the wall. Slowly his left hand rose from where it rested on his ankle and he clutched Changbin’s middle finger and ring finger like how a small child holds their mother’s hand. There were sighs of relief in the room and Changbin glanced over at Chan and gave him a slow nod.
Chan cleared his throat and stood up a bit taller so he was near Jisung’s ear but still in a defensive squatting position. “Can I take you to your room? Grab Binnie’s other hand if it’s okay for me to pick you up, angel.”
Changbin could see the conflict on Jisung’s face. His stare remained on the wall but his eyebrows furrowed and the corners of his lips twitched. His right hand curled and uncurled itself before Jisung raised it and grabbed Changbin’s right hand.
Chan slipped his hand in the tight space underneath Jisung’s knees and his arm around Jisung’s waist, hoisting the younger male up into his arms and pressing him close to his chest. A whimper passed Jisung’s lips when his hand contact with Changbin broke and the other rapper quickly reconnected their hands and followed after Chan, staying at his side as he held Jisung’s hands.
Looks were shared between the members in the living room and Minho took it upon himself as the eldest to distract them. “We’re gonna finish our movie, quietly, and then we’re going to bed afterwards, okay?”
Nobody objected to his plan and after raising the volume just a tiny bit higher, the remaining five members resumed their movie.
In Jisung’s bedroom, Changbin let go of Jisung’s hands to pull back his bedsheet, which only brought on a series of whines and mumbled pleas. Changbin sighed and grabbed Jisung’s hands, using his foot to pull the sheet back. Chan could only snort and stifle his laughter. Seeing his boyfriend trying to balance on one foot as he used his free foot to lift something was too funny but he’d tease Binnie about it later; for now, he needed to focus on the angel in his arms.
Chan delicately laid Jisung in his bed, letting Changbin lay beside their nonverbal boyfriend first, keeping their hands intertwined. He leaned on the bed, one knee dipping into the mattress and hovered over Jisung. “Can I undress you, angel?” he asked in a soft voice.
He glanced over at Changbin who briefly stared at Chan before reverting his gaze to Jisung. The two held eye contact before Changbin felt one tap on his knuckle.
Yes.
Changbin gave Chan the nod of approval and Chan began to undress Jisung carefully. He replaced the old sweatpants with a pair of clean basketball shorts that belonged to him. He tossed the sweatpants into the overflowing hamper and sighed to himself. He didn’t mind cleaning up after Jisung but it brought such a harsh pain to his chest to see the signs of Jisung in his “bad” stage. Chan knew he wasn’t going to be able to take Jisung’s shirt off him without him crying so he began to clean up Jisung’s side of the bedroom, picking up dirty clothes and putting them in the hamper. He threw away all the empty water bottles and plugged Jisung’s phone into the charger.
As Chan cleaned the bedroom, Changbin was softly humming, stroking his fingers over Jisung’s knuckles. He could see Jisung’s gaze softening as his eyelids began to slowly fall before shooting open again. This continued for a few more minutes before Jisung’s eyelids finally stayed shut and his breathing evened out. Changbin waited to make sure he was actually asleep before rising from the bed and sitting on the edge.
He looked over at Chan and gave his boyfriend a sad smile. “Why did we let it get to this?”
“It’s different this time, Binnie,” Chan answered as he picked up the hamper and walked to the bedroom door. “I don’t know why it’s different but it is so we need to think of new ways to help.”
The two got to work doing Jisung’s laundry and cleaning his room as quietly as they could. Jisung would occasionally stir in his sleep but for the most part slept through the night.
It wasn’t until morning where Jisung came back into himself.
Even though he slept through the night and didn’t wake up twitching, he still woke up sweaty and chilled. He couldn’t move his limbs and all he could do was glance around his room. The other beds were empty and the sun leaked through the closed blinds so it must have been sometime in the afternoon. His floor was spotless and his desk had been organized. His hamper was empty and he could feel the bedsheet brush against his bare skin. This was when Jisung realized he wasn’t wearing sweatpants anymore.
Before Jisung could make sense of what happened or utter out a word, his bedroom door opened to reveal his boyfriends. Changbin and Chan gave him small smiles as they sat on the edge of the bed.
“Did you sleep well?” Chan asked.
Jisung could only shrug.
“Can we take care of you, angel? Please?” Changbin’s voice was pleading.
Jisung glanced back and forth between Changbin and Chan before nodding, pushing the blanket off of him. He slowly sat up and took in a deep breath before pushing himself out of bed. Changbin and Chan gave him a fond look – the proudness they felt radiating off of their faces.
They led Jisung to the bathroom. Chan began to get a bath going, letting the water warm up to the right temperature and getting the soaps and loofahs out. Changbin stood beside Jisung, wetting his toothbrush and smearing on the toothpaste. He gestured for Jisung to open his mouth and the pliant male complied. Changbin went through the motions of brushing Jisung’s teeth and offered water to help rinse.
The water was ready and Chan undressed Jisung and helped him into the water. Changbin and Chan slowly began to wash Jisung, lathering his body with soap and massaging his scalp with shampoo. Jisung’s eyes stayed close, sighing in contentment when Chan’s fingernails dug into his scalp or when Changbin massaged his tense muscles. The two sang softly to Jisung as they washed him, careful to keep soap out of his eyes. They would surprise him with kisses whenever they rinsed him off. Jisung couldn’t help but let out a stream of giggles when Chan kissed his temples and face or when Changbin kissed his shoulders and ankles.
“I love you,” he whispered.
Chan and Changbin could only smile, looking at each other as they cleaned Jisung.
“We love you too,” they spoke in unison.
Eventually the water grew cold and was no longer clear, the grime from Jisung’s state of distress evident as it disappeared down the drain. Changbin toweled off Jisung’s hair, making it fluffy and unkempt as Chan dried off his body. They dressed Jisung in one of Chan’s soft hoodies and a pair of Changbin’s sweatpants. Jisung’s previous lack of an appetite now showed with the way the hoodie exposed his collarbones and how the sweatpants hung off his hips. Changbin pulled the drawstring tightly and tied a little bow, giving Jisung’s tummy a gentle kiss. Jisung could only giggle at the display of affection and follow his two boyfriends out of the bathroom and towards the living room.
The rest of Stray Kids were awake and lively. There was chatter, the sounds of video games coming from the television, and laughter filling the room and some squawking from Felix.
Minho emerged from the kitchen, holding a chilled water bottle and extended it to Jisung. “I can finally talk to you without having to light candles afterward,” he said with a playful huff.
Chan sent a pointed look towards Minho but Jisung began to laugh. He accepted the water bottle and took a few sips from it and grinned – the same gummy grin they’ve all come to associate with Jisung. “That’s bold coming from you, hyung. Have you ever smelled yourself after a concert?”
Seungmin and Hyunjin’s cackle could be heard from the couch and Minho only smiled. “Welcome back, Sungie.” He pulled Jisung into a hug and pinched his cheeks. “Lunch will be ready soon, okay?” Minho returned to the kitchen and Jisung walked towards the living room, his boyfriends trailing behind him like guard dogs.
“Hey Jisung, guess who got first place on hard mode in Mario Party?” Felix asked. Pride was all over his face as he wiggled in his seat. Jeongin slouched over in annoyance beside him.
Jisung pretended to think, tapping his chin with his finger before snapping. “Obviously Seungmin.”
Seungmin snorted loudly, not even looking up from his phone as he laid on the couch, his legs in Hyunjin’s lap. Felix pouted and whined. “Stoooop, he doesn’t even play Mario Party. You’re so mean, acknowledge my achievements.”
Jisung walked over and kissed Felix’s forehead. Felix placed his hands on his cheeks, jaw dropped in an exaggerated manner. “Hyungs, Sungie loves me more.”
Changbin only snorted before wrapping his arms around Jisung’s waist from behind. “As long as he lets us love him, that’s fine.” Changbin peppered Jisung’s neck and jaw with kisses before blowing a raspberry on his cheek. Jisung squealed and tried to break out of Changbin’s grasp but damn his boyfriend and those sexy arms of his.
“Chan-hyung, help!”
Jisung’s plea was ignored as Chan did the same thing on the other side of Jisung’s face and neck. They attacked Jisung’s face with kisses before taking turns kissing his lips. Jisung was trapped between Chan and Changbin. Both of their arms wrapped around him and they swooped in to kiss him one after the other.
“Minho-hyung, they’re being gay!” Seungmin whined.
“Stop tainting the children!” came from the kitchen and Chan and Changbin giggled.
The three boyfriends settled on the couch, forcing Seungmin to move his damn legs and pushing Hyunjin to the floor between Felix and Jeongin. They began a second round of Mario Party, adding Hyunjin to the game. Minho joined them shortly after with a big bowl of ramen.
The eight idols ate ramen, adding commentary to the game happening in front of them. The room was filled with the sounds of laughter, screeches, and curses. Maybe some kisses too but those were ignored or met with fake gagging sounds.
Jisung could only beam from where he sat in between Chan and Changbin.
This was his home and this was his life.
It wasn’t always perfect and he would have his lows as well as his highs but if this was what the high was like, it was worth the fight.