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1.
It starts the way anything else does—but not the way you’d think. It doesn’t begin with a boldly-given confession, nor anything close to a quiet lullaby. It doesn’t come with the loud, raucous cheer of thousands before them, nor does it sink in with the joy of nine people who have nothing and everything left to lose all in one.
It’s not anything special, really.
They’re still just trainees, just seven months away from the rest of their lives, lying on the floor of the practice room. Hair sweat-slicked, knees aching, breaths catching and fading under the sound of music blasting from the overhead speakers. Across the studio, Changbin and Woojin are sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, quietly speaking in voices that don’t make it past their side of the room. In another corner, the others are gathered around Jisung’s phone to watch a video.
Next to Chris, little Lee Felix turns his head and asks, “Should we go again?” His ridiculously thick accent reminds Chris of things he’d left behind years ago—the crunch of hot sand under his toes, the cheerful ambience of a bowling alley on the harbour, the rich, tart sweetness of an after-school Lammo.
It reminds him of home.
And then, out of nowhere, Chris’ eyes hone in on the small flecks of brown and and tan scattered across Felix’s cheekbones, spreading up along the dips of his eyes to the tip of his button nose.
Huh. He doesn’t know how he hadn’t noticed before.
Felix has freckles.
“Yeah, let’s keep going,” Chris eventually answers, pushing himself back up onto his heels. “C’mon.” He holds a hand out to Felix, who takes it gratefully. The sprinkling of stray, coarse stars under his eyes makes him look incredibly sweet as he smiles up at Chris, young and open and fascinating all in one.
Something warm shuffles up into his chest and settles into the place Chris hadn’t realised he’d been missing something before.
This is how it starts.
2.
A year and more; the second comes whirlwind-quick and dissipates just as rapidly as it’d appeared, sweeping them into this strange, brand-new time that no one quite knows how to navigate just yet.
Some things change, and some things don’t.
(Some people stay, and some people don’t.)
Chris is his own constant, the one thing he knows won’t change in the flurry of motion that keeps them constantly on their toes. He’s the constant of the group, the constant of the fans, the one thing he can’t and doesn’t ever want to change.
Felix, on the other hand. Well.
One moment, Felix is stumbling through shaky Korean speech patterns, brushing the dark bangs out of his eyes and looking up to Chris for guidance. The next moment, he's as tall as Chris is, dancing with more confidence than ever, maturing into the features he'd just barely hinted at when he was sixteen. The baby fat has melted off his face like snow on a window-pane, leaving behind sharp angles and a jawline sharp enough to cut glass.
Chris wonders when he'd grown up so fast. Lee Felix, all long limbs, blazing desire to keep on keeping on, and effervescent personality from top to toe.
All Chris can do is watch him. Like a sunflower arching over time to greet the sun.
He really is the sun, he thinks, watching Felix cling to the others with a big laugh. That’s exactly what he is.
Felix glances over at him, one arm around Jisung’s shoulders, and his face lights up. His make-up is light today, and even from here, Chris can spot the freckles along his eyebrows and dotting his jaw. It makes Chris smile, and Felix beams right back at him, obviously having angled for that exact reaction.
“You’re getting obvious again,” Seungmin says, perched on a chair behind him with a hand-held fan to his neck.
“M’not,” Chris says, before he blinks and turns to Seungmin. “Wait. Obvious about what?”
Seungmin gives him a look, and it’s That Look, the patented Seungmin-Has-Noticed-A-Thing-You-Haven’t look that Chris both deeply appreciates and constantly despairs of. The one that implies he’s missing something incredibly obvious. “Please don’t make me say it out loud.”
Chris just feels hopelessly confused. Seungmin motions back towards the others, and Chris follows the motion, gaze landing on Felix yet again.
Felix, with his pretty freckles and his bubbly disposition. Felix who makes Chris’ entire day with a single smile. Felix who—
Oh, Chris thinks, the realisation sinking in like an eighteen-wheeler slamming into his gut. Oh, no.
“It’s alright,” Seungmin says, reaching over to pat Chris’ arm. Chris doesn’t move. “I don’t think he’s noticed yet.”
“Right,” Chris says, sounding slightly strangled. “Um.”
Seungmin pats him again.
3.
They paint glitter into Felix's lashes for a performance, and Chris thinks about being close enough to count each shimmering speck, fingers ghosting along Felix's cheekbones. The same night, he dreams of Felix perched in his lap, face dipping close to his, those softly-rounded vowels dripping from his lips when he murmurs Chris' name.
"Chan-hyung," he whispers, voice low and stirring, and Chris has almost closed the gap between the both of them, is almost close enough to feel his breath against his cheek, when he abruptly rises into a high-pitched, “hey, Chan-hyung. Chan-hyung!”
—and Chris startles awake in his bunk bed to the light in his room already turned on. "Hey," Felix says, standing in the doorway with a towel wrapped around his waist, "your turn in the shower."
He can hear the rest of the group ambling about the dorms already. Hyunjin’s loud morning singing two hallways away, the clatter of Jeongin dropping his toothbrush again, water running in the kitchen.
“Thanks,” Chris says, feeling disoriented and somewhat shamefaced at being presented with the subject of his dreams the very moment he wakes up, but he shakes the thought out of his head and takes a moment to calm down before he gets up.
On the way to the bathroom, he passes a now-dressed Felix, who’s towelling his hair by the mirror in the hallway. “Some dream, huh?” Felix comments, and Chris freezes for a moment, suddenly struck with the horrifying thought that he might’ve said something aloud in his sleep. Then, Felix continues, “You kept making all these upset noises. Dreaming about accidentally misplacing your laptop again?”
Chris lets out a laugh that’s far too loud. “Hah, yeah,” he says, heart pounding. “My biggest fear, you know me.”
“You’re not that clumsy,” Felix teases, leaning in as Chris pads past him, and this close Chris can smell his mint shampoo, can see the little creases along the corners of his eyes when he gives him a grin, fond and familiar. He’s properly awake now, something busy and warm emerging inside him upon having Felix, barefaced with all his freckles on display, smile this brightly at him.
It’s funny. He thought he’d be more worked up about this. He’s had crushes before, both back home and during his time as a trainee here, but they’d always made him feel excruciatingly jittery and nervous, all logic and reason shot to pieces. Yet, they’d always, always faded quicker than the lightest of drizzles on a warm day.
This is different. And, of course it is—it’s not just another trainee he’d never see again, or a classmate that’ll never notice him, or some unattainable company senior. It’s Felix.
Felix, who’s gone from someone he’d always seen as a little brother, to someone whose skin he wants to press kisses into and leave the lasting memory of wandering fingers on.
The thought makes him shiver. He needs a colder shower.
In the bathroom, Chris splashes water onto his face until he’s feeling a little less feverish, a little less wispy, like he’s on the verge of overheating. It’s not the same feeling as when he had his past crushes. He feels the warmth settled into his bones, the affection that gets dredged up whenever he thinks about Felix, the desire to see him joyful and carefree and unblemished by the world’s hurts.
Maybe… maybe it’s more than just a crush after all. Just maybe.
Later, when everyone’s almost ready to leave the dorm, Chris comes up behind Felix, who’s standing by the door, and pinches his cheek. “Ow,” Felix says, rubbing at his face. “What’s that for?”
“Saw a freckle,” Chris says solemnly, “wanted to steal it.”
“You can have ‘em,” Felix mumbles, sounding for all the world like he’d like to be rid of them.
“Nah,” Chris says immediately. “They look the best on you.”
Felix’s face colours in, and he tugs absently at his ear, biting back his shyness. “You’re just saying that,” he says.
“I’m not,” Chris says earnestly. “I promise.”
Felix ducks his head, hiding in his scarf, but Chris can already see the pleased look on his face breaking through. Chris wants to press his thumbs into the corners of Felix’s mouth and feel his way along the seam of his lips and steal his smile away too. He wants it all for his own.
(It’s definitely not just a crush anymore.)
4.
They get a day off. Chris almost ends up spending it in the gym if not for Felix grabbing his arm and tugging him along to shop for baking ingredients, his eyes all wide and pleading when he asks Chris to follow.
“You don’t need me to come along,” Chris says for the third time as they’re getting their coats.
Felix turns to him and says, voice firm, “But I want you to.”
That settles it, then.
He likes spending time with Felix like this. The rest of the group had opted to either go out with their own friends or stay home to catch up on extra sleep. It’s just the two of them, and it feels far too long since it’s been that way.
They spend a good hour loading up on baking goods, speeding around on trolleys while no one’s looking, and practicing Korean with random vegetable names as they wander around the supermarket.
Felix smiles and laughs the entire time, and Chris just wants to do everything in his power to keep him like this. He’s greedy for it, wants far more than he should. Just once, he thinks, just let me have this, just once.
And then, Felix suggests they take a walk somewhere.
“We’ve already been walking for an hour and a half,” Chris says.
“Somewhere nice,” Felix says. “We used to go on walks all the time, remember? When we were trainees.”
Chris remembers. Of course he does. They’d slip out late in the evenings, just the both of them, back when Felix was too fresh to get along with anyone else and Chris needed to get away from being the one in charge of everyone’s futures for just a few hours. They’d sat in parks, by rivers and at 24-hour convenience store counters, speaking about nothing and everything. They’d shared the same concerns and the same yearnings for things an ocean away.
“You know what?” Chris reaches over to tug Felix’s windbreaker collar up. “I know a good place we haven’t been to yet.”
“Yeah?”
The pier is further than he’d expected to walk today, but it’s worth it. He’s rewarded with the same stunning scene he’d experienced the last time he’d come by here, and Felix’s excitement, contagious and pure.
"Bruh!" Felix exclaims, scampering up to the barrier with quick steps. He rests his palms over the metal fencing and pushes himself up on his toes. "The view's amazing here."
"It is, isn’t it?” Chris says in a pleased voice, but his eyes are fixed on Felix rather than the sweeping expanse of the ocean and the burnished horizon before them. The more important view of the two. "Y’know, I used to come down here a lot with some of the old trainees. When they were still around."
Felix turns at the right moment for the fading light to catch his face, streaming golden across his skin, illuminating the scattered crop of little freckles dotting the bridge of his nose and his cheeks like daisies in a wheat-field. "Channie-hyung," he says, the corners of his mouth lifting in a brilliant smile, eyes crescent-curved and sweet, and he's so beautiful that it physically hurts to look at him. "Help me take a photo?"
Chris swallows, fighting back the overwhelming wave of love that just keeps getting caught in his throat, over and over again, and says, "Yeah. Yeah, of course I will."
He takes one, then two, and then starts egging Felix on to start making silly faces, and then dumb poses, and then dance for a video that he’ll probably never post but will send to the group chat whenever he remembers he has it.
Felix does do it, but not before going absolutely red from embarrassment and protesting heavily at the fact that Chris isn’t doing any sort of ridiculous Fortnite dance himself.
“Hey, hey,” Chris says, “this is your time, sunshine boy. Not mine.”
Felix’s head tilts a little. “Sunshine?”
“Yeah.” Chris swallows, caught out by the inquisitive look in Felix’s eyes. “It’s—the fans call you that, sometimes. I thought you knew.”
“You’re not a fan,” Felix says. “And it’s the first time I’ve heard you call me that.”
“It’s the truth.” Chris wants to reach out and run his fingers through Felix’s hair, gleaming golden in the steadily dissipating light. He wonders if he’s being obvious right now too. He doesn’t care. “You’re my sunshine.”
“Oh,” Felix says, and for the tiniest moment, Chris wonders what that look in Felix’s eyes is. It reminds him of something he’s seen in his own mirror, and he’s still trying to place it when Felix bounds back over to him and clasps his fingers over Chris’ wrist. “C’mon,” he says, “I’m kinda tired. Let’s go home.”
I’m already home. I’m with you, Chris thinks, but he reaches for Felix’s hand to squeeze it tightly once, and lets Felix lead them back, grocery bags and all.
5.
Someone asks, one night during the stream, if he’s got freckles too.
His are incredibly faint, a product of a bit too much open-air swimming under the hot Australian sun, and only ever show up in full force when he’s back home and properly enjoying the weather. Here, they’re just as pale as the rest of him is.
"I actually have really light freckles. I dunno if you guys noticed, but… they’re, not—not, not as, uh, clear as Felix’s.” A comment in English floats past, catching Chris' eye. It says, i like felix's freckles, and that's all, that’s it, but the words instantly conjure up the image of bright sunshine, a brilliant smile and stars dotted across tan skin.
He waits for a moment, before adding unabashedly, "Felix's freckles are so beautiful." He sits still, watching the comments flood in like unbreaking waves the moment they catch up to the live recording of him answering the question. "Like, it’s actually—I love them."
Bright sunshine, a brilliant smile. Constellations mapped out in soft touches, traced with gentle fingertips in quiet moments. He wants to imprint each one in his memory, steadfast and unchanging; he wants to kiss every single one until Felix knows just how much Chris loves them.
(How much Chris loves him.)
He realises he's gone quiet for a bit too long when the comments start to light up with questions, and he hastily snaps himself out of it. "Anyway," he says quickly, "Felix's freckles, they're the best." He flashes the camera a thumbs up, shooting for casual while his heart is still pounding at the thought of sweet, gorgeous Felix all pliant under his hands. "Not the best, but like, they're nice to look at. Very, very—it's one of his biggest charms, I think." He looks away for a moment, abruptly realising how vulnerable and exposed by his own words he’s made himself. "I love F-felix's—Felix’s f-freckles, I can’t even say it properly! I really like Felix’s freckles.” Chris smiles, hoping the fans don’t notice the way his ears are starting to turn red at the tips. “There we go. Felix’s freckles. Tongue twister.”
One comment says, they ARE the best don't lie to urself mr bang!!!
Another, flying past at the speed of light, just says, whipped.
And a last, memorable one in Korean that says, we're going to tell yongbokkie-oppa what you said~
That last one he doesn't doubt for a second. It’s only a matter of time before Felix finds out Chris has been talking about him on air again, he always finds out, and he’s never ever ready for the way Felix gets all shy and bashful whenever Chris tells him what he’d been complimenting this time around.
Maybe this time Chris will tell him the truth. Maybe not.
Maybe Chris will remain as he is, watching from the sidelines, making sure the boy who’d always just wanted a chance to become the person he’d always wanted to be grasps onto that chance and never lets go.
Maybe Felix will understand why, one day.
Chris puts on another song, and lets the the music wash over him.
6.
He finds a small room off the main corridor that no one else is in. He knows he’s cutting it close to the time they’re supposed to be onstage, but he also knows they’ll understand if he disappears for a few minutes, because he’ll come back. He always does.
Chris settles onto the small couch and rests his face in his hands, reminding himself to breath in, breath out. Big breaths, slow and steady.
It’s fine. He’ll be fine. It’s just another event like the dozens, hundreds of events they’ve done before today. He just needs to take a minute.
He counts the seconds in breaths, not wanting to lift his head to look at his watch or the clock on the wall. His jagged, spiking emotions finally stutter to a pace he’s more familiar with.
The door opens and closes quietly. He doesn’t open his eyes.
Beside him, the sofa dips. "Heard you were talking about me on the stream yesterday," comes a familiar voice in English. A pointed chin hooks over his shoulder, and Chris glances over to see Felix looking up at him through his lashes. The beat of butterfly wings, once, twice. "Something about a certain part of my face?"
"Yeah," Chris says, and he reaches up with his free hand to tweak Felix's nose, making him yelp and scoot backwards instantly. "It was about your adorable little schnoz."
"Liar, liar, pants on fire." Felix idly rubs at his nose, sitting up. "The fans already clipped it."
"Damn," Chris says lightly, "there's no escape, huh."
“Nope,” Felix says, popping the ‘p’. “My spies are everywhere.”
“Spies. You saw it on Twitter, didn’t you.”
“I have Twitter spies.”
“Sure. And I don’t have a Twitter account.”
Felix grins, but it drops soon after. “You okay?” he asks, concern apparent in his eyes. “The others were asking where you’d gone.”
“I’m fine,” Chris says, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as unsteady as he’d felt just moments ago. “M’fine, I promise. I just… I needed a breather. Y’know me.”
“Yeah,” Felix says quietly, “yeah, I do.”
Chris reaches over to run the tips of his fingers over the shell of Felix’s ear. “C’mon. Cheer up, bud,” he says. “Show me that big ol’ smile of yours.”
Felix rolls his eyes, but a smile peeks through his expression anyway, and Chris beams. “Happy?”
“Course. There we go,” Chris says. His fingers move from Felix’s ear to his jaw, and brush along his cheek. The knuckle of his index finger lands on a shooting star. “Speaking of your freckles, here’s a stray one.” Chan bites down on a grin. “A stray kid, perhaps?”
“Ha, ha,” Felix says, just looking amused. “You didn’t have to say all of that, by the way.”
“But I did.” Chris continues to let his fingers wander across Felix’s cheek, mapping out the same patterns he sees in the dark skies above him when he can’t sleep. Felix falls quiet, letting him. “I just think they’re neat.”
“Just that?”
“No,” Chris admits. “Not just that.”
Felix’s hands are curled up in his lap, all tight and wrung up.
Chris wants to be selfish just once.
He strokes the pad of his thumb over Felix's cheekbone, dislodging the slightest bit of powdery foundation that's been smeared heavily over his face, revealing a patch of uneven little dots. "Let 'em breathe a little more often," he murmurs. “Won’t you?”
Felix's pupils are unusually wide, the slightest quaver belying his calm, low voice when he says, "Yeah. Maybe I will."
Chris' mouth falls open to say something else, but he's still caught on their proximity and the way Felix doesn't move away. The way he's almost leaning into Chris' touch. Chris doesn't want to let go of him. Chris wants to keep holding him, just like this.
So, he does.
His thumbs move of their own accord, gently brushing over Felix's nose and under his eyes in broad, sweeping grazes until he's wiped off enough of his make-up to see the faint hint of his freckles dusted across his face, framing his big, bright eyes and pert nose. His fingers hover dangerously close to the corners of Felix’s mouth, full and painted a pretty red and wet from being absentmindedly bitten and licked throughout the day.
Chris sucks in a deep breath. "Perfect," he whispers. He rests his hands on Felix's shoulders for just a moment before he runs his palms down Felix’s arms, and then lets his arms fall back to his sides. His fingers itch to touch him again.
"They're not," Felix says. He hasn't looked away, not even once.
Chris swallows the words, but you are, and gives Felix a grin. "They are," he says, and he's promptly and satisfactorily rewarded with a pink flush immediately lighting up Felix's cheeks and ears. "And I love them.”
I love you.
“You do?” Felix has never sounded so coy in his life. “Then… I’d better fix them. For you.”
Chris’s breath catches low in his throat. “You mean for Stays.”
“I mean for you,” Felix affirms, giving him that same sweet smile that always has Chris feeling intensely fond and craving his affection. If he doesn’t leave this room right now, he’s gonna end up doing something embarrassing, he just knows it.
As he turns to get his laptop, out of the corner of his eye he sees Felix reach for the box of tissues left on one of the dressing tables. Chris' heart swells at the thought of him wanting to show them off. "Remember to be quick," he says, switching back to Korean as he steps through the door to go find the others, "the fansign starts in fifteen."
"Yes, hyung," returns Felix obediently from where he's leaning in front of one of the mirrors, dabbing at his cheeks in patches, unearthing more lovely dapples of pepper-and-clove. The stylists will probably be unhappy that he’s undoing their work.
The rest of the group will like it. The fans will like it, too.
Felix, who’s poking at one very visible freckle at the side of his nose, will learn to like it the most, in the end.
And Chris?
Chris smiles, something secret and soft that he tucks away into a pocket with Felix’s name on it. He already does.
He always has.