Archive of Our Own ^beta

Steve’s ears perked up when the front door opened, so slow and quiet, it almost seemed to apologize for having been there in the first place. The sound of a zipper becoming undone. Shoes toed off. The quiet grunts of someone who maybe had more to drink than they intended at the start of the night. 

It had been a long time since Steve had felt these kinds of butterflies when Billy got home. But everything out this was new and exciting. 

Timidly, almost shy , Billy’s frame appeared in the opened door. His hair was still damp from a shower, the same shirt he’d left the house in yesterday. 

“Hello, sir,” Steve purred as he hoisted himself off the couch. “I’m guessing your date went well.” Billy ducked his head and- honest to god, he was blushing . Steve couldn’t recall the last time he saw Billy this flustered. But was it because he was happy to be back or because he wished he didn’t have to? 

Steve slowed his movements when he was nearly toe to toe with Billy, who finally glanced up with those sweet, caring eyes Steve had come to know so well. 

“Can I kiss you?” Steve asked, surprised by his own reserve. It seemed like a redundant question considering how long they had been together. But now that some of their boundaries were shifting, nothing between them felt truly normal anymore. Not right then, at least. Billy laughed heartily and through his smile he murmured: “Of course dumbass, come here.” He pulled Steve in for a deep, gentle kiss. Steve’s heart fluttered. 

‘Oh thank God. That’s good at least.’

They stood there for a moment longer, possibly a few minutes, giggling while softly pecking each other’s lips. It was nice to be back in Billy’s arms again, to feel his broad hands, his stubble, all these little familiar things distorted by the scent of someone else’s shampoo. When they pulled back, Billy’s thumb danced across Steve’s cheek, eyes so full of affection that it felt like looking into the sun. So intensely beautiful that it can’t be good for you. 

“I love you,” Billy whispered sweetly. Steve felt a sudden lump growing in his throat, just as Billy’s jaw softened, shoulders slumping as he pulled Steve back in.

“Are you gonna cry?” He whispered with a quiet laugh but he couldn’t manage to keep his own emotions out of his voice. Steve caved and let go of a soft sniffle as Billy both laughed and cooed while he pulled Steve tightly to his chest.
“Aww, baby, don’t cry! You know I love you, right? You knew I was going to come back?”

And Steve nodded because he did know. He never had a doubt. Not really. So why did it take some deep breaths to level this spike of emotion? God, what was happening to him? This wasn't how he imagined his morning would go.

Steve had convinced everyone, including himself, that he had no second thoughts, that he was nothing but glad that Billy got to explore within their relationship. It had been Steve’s idea, after all. Billy had been the one who needed several months to let the idea grow on him.

And Steve had been fine! Truly! Even when Robin tried to bring it up last night, he insisted that he was perfectly comfortable with ‘setting Billy loose’, so to speak.  

“I just see it as a sign that we both have enough faith in our relationship that we can let each other go on our separate adventures,” he said in the poorly lit living room of Robin’s apartment, a half-empty bottle of red on the table. “I mean, Billy is fine with us two hanging out even though I used to have a crush on you.” Robin took a sip, brows pinched. Steve didn’t know if she found him or the wine disagreeable. To be fair, Steve had been told that he had shit taste in wine so maybe he should have brought something else to show his appreciation of her hospitality. 

“Yeah, but- this is a bit different, right?” Robin said as if she was walking a tightrope. “We just hang out and talk shit but this is ...” Steve rolled his eyes at her weighted gestures and tone.

“Sex. You can just say it.” 

“Fine,” Robin snarked. “Sex. That’s… much more intimate than a bit of banter on the couch.” Steve pursed his lips.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Is it?” 

“Yes,” Robin replied slowly. “It is to most people, Steve.” 

Steve pulled a face, not unlike the one he wore when he was trying to find the source of a somewhat unpleasant smell that someone pointed out to him. He supposed he sort of knew what she was talking about. He had had times when sex had been really sweet and intimate but that had always been further into a relationship, once there was a personal connection. The first few hookups are just about scratching an itch, soothing a hunger, sometimes his own, but looking back it was mostly the other’s eagerness that fueled his excitement. 

Robin took another sip, grimaced and put the glass down for a moment. “I mean- aren’t you even the slightest bit jealous?”

Steve paused. His eyes landed somewhere on the carpet, eyebrows drawn as he contemplated the question.
“No,” he said slowly. “I guess sex doesn’t mean that much to me in the first place so I guess I don’t really mind Billy getting ‘intimate’ with someone else. That’s not what our relationship is about anyway.” 

“Okay, but- just because it doesn’t mean something to you doesn’t mean that’s going to be the same for Billy. Maybe it’s a very personal thing to him.” 

Steve had to hold back a snort. Was Robin even talking about his Billy? The one who had been notoriously single throughout all of high school and college, who was registered on every single conceivable dating app?
The only thing remotely 'personal' about Billy’s sex life before Steve was that he had made it his personal conquest to fuck any guy he came across in a gay bar who was wearing a bowtie. Steve knew about this because he had once stumbled upon Billy’s impressive collection of tokens, the curator of which had grinned and explained the story behind his shoebox full of colourful bow ties with unabashed glee. Of course, they’d proceeded to put on as many bow ties on Steve as he could physically handle without suffocating before Billy fucked him through the mattress into another realm of existence, back when Steve was still up for that type of thing. 

Billy could be sweet though. He’d hold the hair out of Steve’s face when Steve was riding him and they would cuddle up afterwards, pressing little kisses to each other’s skin while it was still ablaze with sensation. It took a while for them to find their swing, for Billy to figure out that Steve preferred it gentle. It took even longer for Steve to admit to himself and later to Billy that he did it mostly for the cuddling after the fact. 

Billy was an absolute doll about it, never pushed when he could tell Steve wasn’t up for something. But they had made quite a switch considering how they got together when they had been fucking like rabbits and- to be honest, there had been some kinky shit in there. Billy was quite adventurous in the bedroom, always coming up with new angles (figuratively and literally) to keep things exciting. Although he was fine with the state of things as of now, Steve knew that it would only take so long before Billy got bored. 

“He was having casual sex before we became a thing,” Steve mumbled absentmindedly. “I don’t think unexpected intimacy is gonna be an issue.” 

That was a lie and he knew it. It was silly to pretend that opening their relationship up was the same for Billy as being single. Billy had admitted that it was weird to be back on Grindr with his boyfriend in the same room, that explaining the exact status of his relationship with strangers was a little tiresome. Part of his soul left him every time he had to explain that him having a boyfriend did not mean a threesome was on the table. But the part where he would be fucking a stranger did not seem to bother him. 

Most of the time he let Steve do the swiping, a fun little game that always ended with the two of them in heated debates about whether or not a given person was attractive. 

“Come on!” Steve would protest. “He’s cute! You can’t convince me he’s not attractive. He has such…” He swiped to the next picture, taken at a park, it seemed. A brunette, roughly their age, maybe a little bit younger. It was a candid, seemingly taken seconds after the drop of a punchline. His freckled nose was scrunched up mid-laugh, cheeks pinched into a perfectly disarming smile. “He has really good facial hair...” Steve muttered as he zoomed. “His face is so... symmetrical.” Billy had laughed, one arm draped across Steve’s shoulders, their thighs touching while Steve was clutching Billy’s phone. 

“I mean, sure. He’s cute. But that doesn’t mean I want him on my dick.” Steve opened his mouth, only to pause and let out a quiet ‘huh’. His eyes returned to the picture. He tried to see what Billy meant but all he saw was just a cute guy.

“Do you see it?” Billy asked, the hint of a smile still tangible in his tone. 

“I mean… no…”  Steve mutters as he swiped left. “I guess I just forget that’s something you think about.” As soon as the next profile popped up, Billy let out a peeked ‘hm!’, paused to flip through some of the other pictures and swiped right.

“How do you look at a picture of someone and know whether or not you would have sex with them?” Steve chuckled in a vain attempt to hide his actual confusion.

“I don’t know,” Billy shrugged. “You just kinda... sense their vibe I guess? Either they spark something or they just don’t.”

They had these types of conversations from time to time, where it suddenly became clear again that they experienced sexuality very differently. Neither judged the other for their way of seeing but still, Steve rolled over to his sleeping boyfriend that same night and asked himself if the body next to him sparked something, something physical , something ‘not unlike gravity’, as Billy had described it. Steve honestly didn’t know. He had plenty of feelings for Billy. He was always delighted when the other got home. Billy was always the first person he wanted to tell if something good or devastating had happened. He loved to do little things he knew would make Billy happy, like bake banana bread or give him a shoulder rub when Billy was tense after a trying day at the job. He enjoyed being held by Billy, kissing. But sex?

Maybe at the start, he’d felt that spark, that hunger to be so close to Billy that he’d forget where he stopped and Billy began. But he never had that raw sexual desire that Billy seemed to have, where the mere sight of Steve in a good pair of jeans made him want to tear them off. And the problem was not that Billy didn’t look good in his clothes. That was kind of why Steve didn’t mind if Billy kept them on. 

Robin held his gaze, trying to get a hold of Steve’s thoughts.

“What if he really clicks with this guy?” She asked. “What if it does get emotionally intimate.” Of course Steve thought about that. What if this guy can give Billy both the romance and the sex life that he desires? What has Steve left to offer? What value does he bring to compete with the army of hot twinks that were queueing online to try Billy out for a night?

“Well,” Steve drew the word out into a pause. “If he does find someone who makes him happier than I can… then why would I hold him back?”

“So do you, uuhm- do you wanna like- hear how it went?” Billy asked nervously. The light turned back on behind Steve’s eyes.

“Yeah!” he stuttered. “Yeah, ‘course.”

They were on the couch, Billy with water and an Advil, Steve with a mug of tea.

“Okay, erm…” Billy shifted in his seat, as if there was a position in which this conversation would be more comfortable.

“So we met up at the bar. It was a little tense at first and we didn’t really know how to hit it off but then we somehow got pulled into this game of darts and that turned out to be a night saver. He was a pretty alright thrower and then that got us talking and it turns out he’s on some college team-” 

Billy went on to describe in broad strokes how the night had progressed. Was it odd for Steve to hear his boyfriend talk about this person they had come to know through pictures and the few texts that Billy had shown him? Yes and no. So far it just sounded as if Billy met a guy at a party. The only thing that made it weird was that Steve knew the night probably ended in sex. And that made it a type story they hadn’t shared since before they got together.

After some kisses outside the bar, Billy had indeed gone home with the guy. He tried his best to be casual about it, although they could both feel that this gossiping, this whole conversation was not normal for them, not yet at least. 

“The sex was… fine , I guess,” Billy sighed. “It wasn’t anything to do with him. I just wasn’t in it with my head.” Steve hummed and nodded although he couldn’t say he understood.

“That sucks.” He said, staring at the bottom of his mug. It seemed like an alright thing to say. Billy flashed him a lopsided smile. 

“Yeah, could be better.” For a second it seemed as if he wanted to say more. But it soon became clear that Billy had sunk into his own pool of thoughts, chewing at his cheek, gaze hovering somewhere in the room without actually looking at anything he could see.

“When we were done...” He began slowly. “He asked about you.” His eyes flickered up. “Like- just basic stuff. How long we’d been together, what you were like… And then he asked if it could be possible that you just... weren’t... into guys.” 

“Oh,” Steve said, more observational than offended.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t heard that one before. People had often suggested that maybe he just wasn’t into [insert gender] before he’d tell them that, actually, he had dated both and hit the same problem in all of his relationships, that after the initial spark he just lost interest in sex which, until Billy, had always signaled the end of the relationship. He knew that people rarely believed him, that they thought he might just have a repressed sexuality, but they usually said it to his face. You’d think it’d be easier to shrug off when it was someone who had never met him who was making bold assumptions but it still stung.

Maybe it was the fact that Steve didn’t get to defend himself. Maybe it was that Billy still slept beside someone who felt it was his place to lecture Billy on his boyfriend’s sexuality, as if Lois or Levi or whatever the fuck his name was, could contribute anything that Billy and Steve hadn’t already discussed at length.

“So yeah, I explained to him that you’ve dated girls and that that didn’t work out either,” Billy sighed deeply as he propped his arm up on the backrest of the couch, temple resting on his fist. He snorted.

“Didn’t think I’d be giving someone a crash course on asexuality 15 minutes after I had his dick up my ass, but you know, you just go where the night takes ya.” They both let out a small laugh. Their eyes lingered, smiling softly at each other as the sun climbed the sky outside their window. 

It didn’t seem fair that Billy could be mildly hungover with frizzy air-dried hair and puffy eyes and somehow still be the most beautiful person in the whole entire fucking world. Billy had a beauty so pure and so earnest that Steve sometimes didn’t know what to do with himself. But it seemed that Billy demanded to be witnessed. And Steve needed Billy to keep looking at him like that or he feared he might as well stop existing the second Billy averted his gaze and at the same time needed him to look away because he simply wasn’t deserving of the love that poured from Billy’s eyes.

Billy, who had been so unwaveringly supportive while Steve tried to figure out why he always dried up, why he felt the way he did. Sometimes Steve envied Billy for how confident and comfortable he was in Steve’s asexuality while Steve himself was still struggling to accept it. The term ‘asexual’ felt a shoe he hadn’t quite broken in and he couldn’t tell whether he got the right fit or not. He mostly identified as someone with a very very very very low sex drive. But part of him did fear that Lenny or Luther or whatever, was right. That he wasn’t actually attracted to Billy even if he knew that wasn’t true because he loved Billy more than he ever deemed possible. Still, the same old insecurities kept dancing in circles through his head.

“Did you have fun, though?” Steve asked after a while, his voice a little rusty. Billy nodded, eyes falling shut.

“Yeah,” he said with a surprising clarity for how tired he looked. “Don’t think I’ll be doing it again anytime soon, though.” 

Steve’s brow twitched.  “Why not?” 

Billy bit his lip. He blinked a few times, long and slow as if he had all the time in the world and then sighed. “I think I just love you too much.” It seemed almost as if he said it more to himself than to Steve, as if it was a fate, a curse that he had slowly come to peace with. Steve’s heart throbbed painfully in his throat for a reason he did not understand. 

“You know that has nothing to do with me, right?” he whispered. “You can love me and still need sex. Those things don’t have to have anything to do with each other.” He swallowed, thickly, as if he had to work down a big chunk of dry bread before he added: “Plus, I don’t want you to be trapped in some sexless relationship-”

“Okay- I’m gonna stop you right there.” Billy sat up and leaned forward.
“I’m not trapped . We’ve been over this.” He paused, eyes intent as if his silence could drill that message into Steve’s head.

“I’m very happy with you - trust me, if I wasn’t, I would have left a long time ago. There’s a reason I’m still here. Plus, we’re not sexless. It’s just… less sex.”

Steve huffed.  “I can’t remember the last time we fucked.” He sounded bitter.

“Is that an issue to you?” Billy replied, infuriatingly breezy. 

“ It is if what you are getting is solely dependent on the once every blue moon when I feel up for it, so yes!” 

Billy's laugh was hollow. 

“How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t care! ” He exclaimed.

“Of course you care!” Steve hadn’t noticed himself getting louder until there was a quiver in his voice. “You’re clearly a sexual person! You’d have me three times a day during those first few months! You’re really gonna sit here and tell me you don’t miss that?”

“What?” Billy huffed. “So your libido can change but mine can’t?” 

“Has it, though?” Steve snapped. Billy stayed awfully quiet. And in that silence, Steve found more honesty than in anything Billy had told him over the past few months. And every word he wanted to say but didn’t, clumped in his throat, making it difficult to breathe. 

“You could have anyone in the world,” Steve sniffed as he allowed the first tear to dribble down his cheek. “So why are you deciding to stay with me when you could have all the dick in the world?” 

Even if he had been able to hold down the tremble in his voice, his eyes weren’t lying. He’d spend so much effort trying to pretend like he wasn’t ashamed, like he wasn’t scared that Billy was going to get fed up someday, that they’d start fighting and that one night Billy would walk out, crash on a friend’s couch, move to that friend’s bed to finally get what he needed, what Steve hadn’t been able to give him. That’s what Nancy did. And Emily before her. No matter how many times Billy would promise that it wasn’t going to be like that this time, that he was going to prove Steve wrong, the fear of being abandoned and replaced for a model with more features had never fully left him. 

A hand found its way to Steve’s thigh. Steve couldn’t look up, didn’t want to face how his breakdown would break Billy. The hand started rubbing little patterns, thumb moving back and forth on Steve’s leg like a window wiper.

“Yeah, well, that’s kind of the problem,” Billy whispered, quiet as if he didn’t want the walls to hear. “I love you. Like- crazy, stupid love you and… I didn’t plan for that to happen but I’m afraid that’s the boat we’re in now.” Steve choked out a wet laugh and rubbed at his tears.

“How very unfortunate,” he chuckled half-heartedly.

“Quite a terrible fate that has befallen us,” Billy replied in a vintage movie voice. He gave Steve’s knee another squeeze,

“I guess this little escapade did teach me that I’d much rather spend an evening watching Avatar with you than get pounced by a thousand of the world’s best dicks.” Steve laughed wetly.

“God, can you imagine being pounded by a thousand dicks ?” He giggled. Billy’s chest shuddered. 

“Ugh, please don’t make me think about it.”

“You’d be so raw you wouldn’t walk for years .”

“Hmm, I should consider myself grateful with your dick once every blue moon.” Billy murmured with a sweet smile. There was a pause before he sighed, rubbed his eyes and said: 

“I know things have changed between us. And I know we don’t have as much sex as other couples. But we’re not them. And I’m not with you for sex. I just want to… be with you. And come home to you. And sleep next to you. And… talk to you about all the brain-dead moments my colleagues had that day.” That seemed to have the desirable effect because Steve laughed.

"And yeah, I also really really like having sex with you. So much despite your explicit repeated consent, last night just felt like cheating."

"You cheated in other relationships." Steve instantly regretted saying it when he saw the way those words tugged at Billy's lips.

"I like to think I'm not that guy anymore," he replied quietly.

"I know," Steve sighed. "I'm sorry for bringing it up." Billy nodded but you could tell he still had his head in the past.

"I just don't understand why I'm different," Steve said after a while. "What makes me worth it? When everyone else wasn't, why me?"

Billy just looked at him, pained. After a while, Steve had to conclude that Billy simply couldn't come up with a single reason why he should be with Steve and that he would get up and walk out the door, back to Liam or Lennard or the next guy. It was probably for the best. They had a good run. It was fun for as long as it lasted but if last night didn't fix things, they were doomed to crash and burn at one point of another. 

"It really hurts when you say things like that," Billy said. Steve blinked, tried to remember his exact words.

"Like what?"

"That you're always questioning your own worth." 

Steve went quiet from that one. People had told him he had low self-esteem, probably had something to do with the daddy issues, but it had always been hard to accept that his idea of himself might not be fully accurate when it was confirmed time and time again. He was not being harsh to himself, just realistic and reality was that Billy was way too hot and way too in his prime to settle for someone with Steve's sex drive. He was defective. He was damaged luggage. It didn't make sense that Billy changed his ways for him. 

"It's like-" Billy let go of a frustrated huff. "I can tell that you just don't believe me. And that you actually deep down believe that you deserve to be cheated or abandoned or-" 

'That would explain why everyone keeps doing it, yeah,' Steve thought.

"And it sucks because- I don't know what to say to change your mind." Steve looked up unto Billy's depleted eyes.

"I don't know... how to say I love you in a way that you understand. Or believe. Or- anything to convince you that you are special! And that I am fucking happy like this and I don't need to go see other people because I'm all topped off when it comes to love!" Billy's words were filled with heated desperation. 

"Steve- I'm happier with you than I have ever been! And that has nothing to do with how much or little sex we have. You really taught me that." 

He paused to read Steve's reaction. It felt somewhat like the sun breaking through a crack in the clouds, light spilling through a wall of trauma. Scared, somewhat defensive and hesitantly, Steve had to suspect that Billy was at least being earnest even if what he was saying felt untrue.

"I think it's really sweet that you were concerned about me and wanted me to have that freedom," Billy said, much mellower than before. "And I'm glad that we tried it but I don't think it's working for me." Steve nodded, eyes on the carpet.

"Okay." 

"Do you believe me?" Steve took a second before he nodded, looking up into Billy's soulful eyes.

"I think so." They both knew he wasn't fully there. But it would be enough for now. 

"Good," Billy whispered and leaned in for a soft kiss.
After they parted he said: "Do you wanna watch ATLA now?" And Steve laughed. That was a way of saying 'I love you' that he understood.