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“So which one would you like for the first day of school, Marley?” Rafael held up an aqua colored knit sundress embellished with dolphins and a bright red checked shirt and denim short set with ladybugs. “What do you think?”
“Um...no thank you, Papi.” She was standing nearby, biting her bottom lip and stepping on the bottom bar of the clothing rack. “I don’t think I need new clothes for that.”
“Are you sure?” he asked. He’d been reminding her of this for the last two weeks, that school started in four days now and she was quickly running out of time to pick an outfit. He was about ready to pick one for her, himself.
“Uh-huh!” she said, reaching for the top of the rack and balancing on it. He put both outfits in one hand and pulled her off the rack.
“You’re not allowed to do that, remember? You could fall, or you could break something. And if you don’t pick something today, I’m going to have to pick it for you.” He held the two outfits out to her one more time.
“I don’t need it ‘tause I’m not going to tindy-garten. I’m staying in prestool with Tallie.” She tapped the tips of her flipflops on the linoleum floor. “Yeah, I’m good at prestool, Papi. I don’t need to go to tindergarten, so I don’t need no tindy dress.”
He pursed his lips together for a minute, then said, “Well, you’re going to be up for a rude awakening on Tuesday when school starts. Are you picking or am I?”
She crossed her arms. “I’m not going, Papi.”
“Ladybugs it is,” he said, and hanging up the blue dress, he took the shorts set and his daughter to the cashier and checked out.
***
“What’s wrong, dolly?” Sonny asked at dinner, noticing that both his daughter and husband were unusually quiet. “Everything okay?”
She sighed loudly. “My papi buyed me an outfit to wear to tindy-garden.”
Sonny looked confused. “That sounds like a nice thing that Papi did for you. Isn’t it?”
Rafael rolled his eyes, pierced a baby potato, and popped it into his mouth.
“No.” Marley shook her head. “I’m not going to tindy-garden and he’s not wistening to my words!” She put her fork down. “I telled him and he buyed it anyway, even after I telled him I’m not going. Papi thinks he’s gonna make me go and he tan’t.” She pointed across the table to Rafael. “Hey you, Papi, that’s not happening. Entendies?”
Sonny looked back and forth between them for a second, trying to stifle a laugh. “Of course you’re going to kindergarten, Marlene,” he said, and he wondered if Rollins ever had these same conversations with Jesse. “You’re five years old and it’s time. That’s what five-year olds do.” He picked up his wine and took a long drink, then shot an empathic look toward his husband, who was quickly draining his own glass and looking for more.
“Not time for me,” she argued, pushing her food around on her plate. “I’m not goin’. I already got a good teacher and you said so yourself, both of you guys. Tallie’s a good teacher and she tan teach me all the things.”
“But Callie teaches preschool,” Sonny argued logically, as if logic could persuade her. “You’re not in preschool anymore.”
Marley shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t tare. I tan pretend.”
“Except you graduated, remember? The only way to go is up!” Sonny pointed toward the ceiling, and Marley rolled her eyes.
Rafael poured more wine for both himself and Sonny, and took a sip from his glass. “Marley,” he said calmly, as though they hadn’t been arguing about this all day, “you’ve known for a long time that you were going to start kindergarten soon. We visited the classroom last week, and saw your teacher. You got to play in the new classroom and on the new playground. Remember? You didn’t want to leave...you were having so much fun! You even said that you knew some of the kids from preschool. So what’s changed, sweetie?”
She rested her elbow on the table and her head in her hand as she poked at her chicken. “I don’t wike new stuff.”
“But some new stuff is good, dolly,” Sonny replied gently. “Sure, it’s scary sometimes to try new things, but they almost always turn out to be good.”
“This won’t. I know it, Daddy.” She lay her fork down. “Do I gotta be in Ms. Tollins’ woom?” Her eyes nervously flitted from Sonny to Rafael, and Rafael felt his stomach flip over. He’d seen that look before; it was the one she wore when she was in pain. He knew in an instant this was serious to her, and he needed to pay attention.
“Marley,” he said gently, despite the sudden storm in his gut, “Why don’t you want to be in Ms. Collins’ class?”
She sniffled a little bit and rested her head on her hand again. “She doesn't wike how I say her name.”
Sonny made a face. “What do you mean?”
“Wast year, on Move Up day, when we visited the tindy-garten wooms, she tried to make me say Tollins. In front of everybody.” She looked down, almost as if she were embarrassed. “She held my cheeks and tept sayin’ ‘Tah! Tah! Tah-lins!’ but I tan’t say it wight.” She picked at her hand, trying to ignore the tears sliding down her face. “She said she’s gonna make me wearn to speak wight when I’m in her woom. No more baby talk, she said.” Her bottom lip was trembling, and Rafael felt the pain puncture his heart.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Sonny immediately reached for her, scooping her into his lap. “It sounds like you felt embarrassed.”
She nodded. “Gavin and Wucas waughed at me.” She pressed her face into Sonny’s shoulder. “I don’t wanna talk funny, Daddy. I’m sorry I talk wike a baby.” She turned her head to peer at Rafael. “Papi, I tried all summer to talk better but my mouth don’t wisten to my brain too good yet. I’m sorry I sound wike a baby,” she repeated, sniffling again.
Rafael moved into the seat next to them. “You have nothing to be sorry for, bebita. Listen to me. When you go to kindergarten, you have a special teacher who will be working with you on your speech, remember? You met him. Mr. Bryant, remember him?”
She nodded, sniffling.
“As for Ms. Collins, Daddy and I will talk about what we need to do. But it’s never okay for anyone to embarrass you like that, or to make you feel bad.”
“Thank you for telling us, sweetie,” Sonny told her. “It’s Papi’s and my job to help look out for you until you’re old enough to do it yourself. And right now, you’re still too little.”
“I’ll teep tryin’, Daddy. I’ll try to do better, otay?” She played with his collar as she sniffled.
“I’m proud of you, Marley,” Sonny told her, kissing her cheek. “Papi and I are always proud of our sweet, smart girl.”
“Yes, we are,” Rafael seconded, pressing a kiss to the back of her head.
***
Rafael followed Sonny into their bedroom as soon as Marlene was in bed. “I’m going to be calling that principal first thing in the morning,” he said, low. “That is absolutely unacceptable. It’s emotionally abusive and I’m not having it. I know you aren’t either.” Sonny continued to undress without looking at him, without responding at all, until Rafael finally touched his arm. “You okay, babe?”
Sonny shook his head. “Sarah Walker. I was in fourth grade. Sarah was loud and obnoxious, never shut up, drove my teacher nuts. Mrs. Harris was always on her about it.” He tossed his jeans into the hamper. “One day Sarah’s mouthing off, same as usual, when all of a sudden Mrs. Harris stands up, grabs Sarah, yanks her out of the chair and slams her head into the chalkboard. You coulda heard a pin drop. To be honest, I don’t remember what happened after that. I think I was so scared I blocked it out. And I never told anyone about it until right now.” He sank onto the bed. “I don’t know what happened to Sarah. Turned out she had ADHD and that’s why she behaved like she did. But I know that teacher was still teaching there a few years ago. You know they built that new preschool center on the same campus? Bells ran into Mrs. Harris when she was looking around to enroll Rosie.”
Rafael sighed heavily and sat down next to his husband. “I’m sorry, honey,” he said, stroking his thigh. “That’s truly terrible. Nobody should have had to experience that. It’s traumatizing for both the child being hurt and for the children who are watching.”
“I can’t imagine you had it any easier, being where you were.” Sonny folded his arms behind his head. “I know you had to have it tough.”
“Yeah, but we all did,” Rafael told him, then laughed quietly. “I say that like it somehow makes everything okay. I was in second grade and she was fed up and said nobody could use the restroom for the rest of the day. She was sick of kids asking, I guess.” He shrugged. “Guess who took things super literally and pissed his pants?”
Sonny put a hand over his mouth. “Oh no...did the other kids--”
Rafael shook his head. “I don’t think so. I don’t remember anyone saying anything. But what I do remember is the humiliation of it. And my absolute terror that Papi was going to find out.”
“I just want Marley to be treated with respect, you know? I mean, the same as you’d treat any other person. What the fuck is this holding her face thing, trying to make her pronounce a hard c? Doesn’t holding her cheek make it MORE difficult?”
Rafael chuckled. “You’ve got a point.” He lay down next to Sonny and pulled his hand into his, resting on his stomach. “I just want Marlene to know we’ve got her back when we SHOULD, you know?” He shook his head slightly. “Every morning when I get out of the shower, I see those scars on my lower back, and I think about how my mom failed me. I never want her to feel that way. I don’t worry about you--your love for her has always been so natural. I think I’m getting better, but I don’t want to ever become blase about it, you know?”
“Mrs. Bruno, tenth grade English. She told me I could be anything I wanted to be,” Sonny said suddenly, changing track.
Rafael smiled. “Ms. Hernandez, my junior year. Without her, I know I would have never gotten into Harvard.”
Sonny squeezed his hand. “Mr. Roy in sixth grade, he taught me to stand up for myself when it wasn’t going so well.”
“I had one of those too,” Rafael added. “Mine was Mr. Phillips. He was my guidance counselor in elementary school. I think he knew life was hard for me and kind of took me under his wing. He made sure I had lunch when my money ‘disappeared’. I never told him how, but I always had a lunch, and lots of times I was in his office with an ice pack or a heating pad on some part of me after a rough night at home.” Rafael wiped a tear from his eye. “He helped to keep me alive.”
Sonny wiped a tear from Rafael’s eye. “Well I owe him a lot, then. He changed not only your life, but mine and Marley’s too. We’re grateful.”
***
“I already toldja I’m not going to tindy-garten, Papi.” Marlene stomped her feet as they went up the sidewalk to the kindergarten classrooms.
“I heard you,” Rafael said. “But Callie asked if we could come join her here today. There is somebody she wanted you to meet.”
“Tallie’s gonna be here?” Marley looked at him with a mix of hope and skepticism. “And she has a friend?”
“Mmhmm.” Rafael pointed ahead of them, by the door to the building. “Isn’t that her?”
“Yeah!” Marley squealed, then ran up the sidewalk, shouting, “Tallie!” She threw herself into Callie’s arms, squeezing her tight, and Callie laughed.
“Well hello, Miss Barba-Carisi! I’m so happy to see you today! How are you?”
“Good,” Marley mumbled into Callie’s shirt. “I didn’t know we were toming to see you today! Papi didn’t tell me til we got here!” She looked behind her just as Rafael arrived and tousled her hair.
“Well, did your papi tell you why I asked you to meet me here?” Callie asked.
Marley shook her head. “‘Cept to meet your friend.”
Callie smiled. “Come on. She’s this way.” She opened the door into the kindergarten classroom hallway, and they followed her to the second classroom on the left. The light was on, and a young woman with red hair in braids and a Star Wars tee shirt was hanging information on a bulletin board. “Hello!” Callie called, and the young woman turned toward them with a giant smile. “Hey, Mrs. Cortez! I wanted you to meet a good friend of mine. This is Marlene Barba-Carisi, and this is her papi, Rafael.”
Marlene looked anxiously from Callie, to the teacher, and back to Rafael, before leaning into him. “I still tan’t say that name,” she whispered disappointedly.
Mrs. Cortez bent down to Marley’s level. “It’s so nice to meet you, Marlene. I had been talking to Callie all week about how I need another girl in my kindergarten class, but I just don’t know how I’m going to solve this problem! I have nine boys but only eight girls. And I need a special girl in here, because this class isn’t just for anybody...we do a lot of building in here, and we sketch what we build. We also write a lot, you know, letters and stories and stuff--”
“I wike to write!” Marlene volunteered. “And I’m a good artist. Tallie and my papi say so all the time.”
“You are?” Mrs. Cortez looked excited. “I would LOVE to have you in here! Would you be willing to be in my class, instead of with Ms. Collins? If it’s okay with your papi, of course.”
“It’s okay with me,” Rafael said, “but to be honest, Marley had some concerns about whoever her new teacher is.” He bent down next to Marlene. “Maybe you can talk to Mrs. Cortez and see how she feels about our dilemma?”
“Dilemma,” Mrs. Cortez repeated. “That’s a big word!”
Marley nodded. “I know wots of big words, but sometimes I don’t say them all the wight way.” She glanced at Rafael and bit her lip. “I gotta wearn how to say some sounds, and my papi said I’m gonna wearn this year with Mr. Bryant…” She stopped talking abruptly, turning back into Rafael’s chest. “I tan’t do it, Papi,” she whispered. “I’m stared.”
Rafael picked her up and held her close. “Mrs. Cortez, Marlene is very worried that if she comes to kindergarten, people might make fun of her, and her teacher might think she’s a baby because she can’t pronounce certain sounds yet. I know, and I think Callie can tell you, that Marley is working on learning those sounds, but she is definitely not a baby and doesn’t want to be treated like one. She’s a big, five year old girl, and is absolutely smart enough to go to kindergarten. Right, Callie?”
“That’s absolutely correct,” Callie said firmly. “Marley is a smart girl and is ready to be a kindergartner.”
“Marley?” Mrs. Cortez said gently, and Marley turned slightly so she was able to look at the teacher. “I would love for you to be in my class. Did you know we all have ways we’re different? Things we learn before other people and things we learn after? I’ve heard that you are very good at telling stories, and I’m going to need your help, because some of your classmates don’t know how to do that yet. I also know that you and your friend Lincoln are really good with the blocks, and you talked to Callie about symmetry--”
“Yeah, we did!” She pulled herself up a bit. “Wincoln made one side and I made the other and they wooked exactly the same and Tallie said, ‘That’s symmetry, y’all’ and we said, ‘whoa!’ and then we did it again!” Looking at Rafael’s surprised expression, she added, “It was tool.”
“Not everyone understands symmetry yet, and so I’m going to need your help to teach them. See? You know some things that they don’t know yet, but they may be able to pronounce those sounds you’re working on.”
Marlene nodded, then slowly asked, “Are you gonna waugh at me when I tan’t say your name wight?”
She shook her head. “Nope. I have the feeling you’ll call me Mrs. Tortez on the first day of kindergarten, and you’ll probably call me Mrs. Cortez on the last day.”
Marley smiled happily, looking at Rafael. “I hope that’s wight, Papi!”
He kissed her head. “I hope so too. But even if it’s not, you’re still ready for kindergarten here, just how you are.”
***
“I have to say,” Sonny told Rafael as he finished getting dressed, “I’m impressed how you handled the principal. I was really worried we’d be going into an awful year.”
Rafael shrugged. “Well, I just tried to be calm and logical, before I launched into how this first experience of school could set her up for a lifetime of success or failure, and given the inappropriateness of Ms. Collins’ comments in the spring, we just thought it might be best to avoid any potential problems before they even started.”
That was basically true. He’d maintained his cool, made his request, and was immediately shot down. “Maybe I haven’t been specific enough,” he had said then, before repeating the comments that the teacher had made last spring. Five minutes later he received an email confirmation that Marlene Barba-Carisi would be reporting to Meg Cortez’ kindergarten classroom on the first day of school.
Sonny handed Rafael his coffee. “Regardless, I have to say I’m relieved. Well look at that, Papi! There’s our big kindergarten girl! Let me get my camera!”
Marley was grinning ear to ear in her ladybug short set. Rafael had styled her curls for her and pulled them back from her face with a pair of ladybug barrettes. She had on her nikes, and Rafael breathed a breath of relief--he was worried that she was going to come out in flipflops, and they would both be sent home for the wrong shoes.
“You look absolutely adorable,” he told her, pulling her in for a big hug. “Papi is so proud of you today! Are you ready for kindergarten, my big girl?”
She nodded shyly. “I think so. I weally wike my hair today. Thanks, Papi.”
He kissed her head. “You are so welcome.”
“Here we go,” Sonny said. “Big smiles, sweet girl! There we go!” They took a handful of pictures inside, then a few on the balcony before he let her go inside and grab her smoothie for breakfast. “And your lunch is in your backpack, sweetheart. I put an extra water bottle in there too, so you’ll have plenty. Remember to drink all day, because it--”
“Teeps my brain working! I know, I know,” she told him, rolling her eyes as he tugged on a curl.
Sonny had made sure to arrange to come in later so he could walk with Rafael and Marlene to school. They took the shortcut through the park, with Pru on her leash. It was a beautiful late summer day, and it took practically no time before they arrived.
“Now I have to stay outside with Pru, because she can’t go in,” Rafael told Marley as he knelt down, “but I’ll be back to get you this afternoon. Can I have a kiss to keep me?”
Marley nodded and kissed his cheek. “I wove you, Papi. Try not to miss me too much, otay? If you start missin’ me, you tan hug Pru, otay?”
He nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he told her, and watched as Sonny took her hand and led her inside.
They quickly found her cubby and she hung her backpack in it. Sonny noticed some papers for him and grabbed them before walking to the door. He was glancing at them when he felt Marley tug his hand.
“Daddy,” she said softly, “will you walk inside with me?”
“Of course, sweetheart.” He took her hand and they entered the classroom. A moment later Meg approached them with a big smile.
“Good morning, Marlene! It’s so good to see you today! Let me guess...is this your daddy?”
Marley nodded, a shy smile taking over her face. “This is my daddy. My papi’s outside with my dog ‘tause dogs tan’t be inside.”
Meg shook Sonny’s hand. “It’s so nice to meet you. I had the pleasure of meeting Marlene and her papi the other day, and I know we are going to have a great year. Marlene, why don’t you take a look on the tables and see if you can find your name? That will be your seat. You can sit there and choose a book from the book box on the table.”
“Otay.” Marley reached up to hug Sonny goodbye. “Bye Daddy. Have fun at work today!”
“I will,” he promised her, then quietly snapped a couple more pictures of his baby as she found her seat. Finally he made his way out of the classroom and out of the school, to find his husband sitting on a bench looking forlorn.
“Oh come on, don’t start,” Sonny told him, squeezing his shoulder. “She’s still our baby. She’s only five and she still needs us!”
“I know, but it’s not the same,” Rafael said sadly. They were suddenly interrupted by a toddler trying to run past them. His mother was in full chase mode, a few feet behind, and she caught him with an arm around his belly just as he grabbed onto the back of another bench. “NOOOO!” the little boy screeched. “I NO GO HOME! I GO SCHOOL!”
“I...WISH…” his frustrated mother grunted as she pried his tiny hands from the bench. “Trust me, you’re going as soon as they’ll take you!”
Rafael and Sonny looked at one another. “I think you were saying something funny,” Sonny grinned.
“Nope,” Rafael replied, standing to head back home. “I wasn’t saying anything at all.”