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Narcissa was dead and Lucius was unable to accept it. Every morning, when he got up he saw her cosmetics placed on the dressing table and a dress hanging on a chair ready to put on. The subtle scent od her perfume and hand creme was still on her pillow. All over the Court Lucius ran into her things, left as if she was about to pick them up. There was her horse in the stables, and in the tack room there was her saddle and riding crop. At every turn Lucius encountered something that reminded him of her. He was unable to go to the rose garden which was her beloved place. There was a gift for her twenty-fifth birthday in the closet, and Lucius didn't dare to look at it. They were to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary in a month, their baby had just been born, and Narcissa suddenly was gone and never would be again. Lucius didn't even know how he felt, his emotions ranged from extreme rage to hopeless despair, he was thinking obsessively about every moment they spend together, as if he was afraid someone would take his memories away. He laid all night until dawn, unable to fall asleep, remembering her touch and her hair falling over his chest.
He wandered around the house, thinking about his happy life that had been so brutally taken away from him. He did not want to see his friends, he did not reply to the letters, a nanny took care of the baby. The Minister of Magic personally sent him on vacation as soon as she found out that his wife was dead. Fawley took the full responsibility of running the estate. Lucius had to accept condolences from Narcissa's friends as well as from the people whom he met by chance on the streets. The family did not want to leave him alone. Lucius was barely coping with his pain, as if something was tearing him apart from the inside. He could not sleep, he did not eat, he felt an overwhelming void that would never be filled in.
Standing in front of the white marble tombstone chosen by Bella for her sister, Lucius felt a growing despair. A sense of regret and injustice grew in him, he could not understand why the love of his life was taken away from him. Lucius hated the whole world, he wanted everything to end. He hated people who asked him how he was doing, he could hardly resist the urge to shout at them that he was not coping at all, and he wasn't sure if he would ever cope, or learn how to live with the pain he felt after Narcissa's death.
The funeral was arranged by Bella because he couldn't handle it. Flowers, food for the wake - whenever anyone asked him about it Lucius gritted his teeth and struggled to hold back tears. He then apologized in a trembling voice and left the living room, just to cry into the pillow out of despair and helplessness in his bedroom upstairs. Lucius didn't understand how anyone could even think of something like that when he was going through a personal tragedy. These mundane matters seemed to him an insult to his wife's memory.
During the funeral he was barely standing. He didn't know how he managed to endure the ceremony, he didn't know how he had come home and spent almost two hours with his family exchanging meaningless comments during the wake. He didn't know how he managed to accept all the condolences from his friends and family.
"Father, could you please take Draco for a few days?" Lucius asked when everyone has left, "I have to be alone for a while.
"Very well, son" Abraxas replied looking at him with concern "A week will be long enough?"
"Yes, thank you."
When his father left Lucius was alone in the Malfoy Manor, as Fawley was sent on vacation. He wanted to be alone. He had never felt so terribly lonely as he was right now. Looking at the portrait of Narcissa in the maroon-colored dress, the one she had worn when they first met, hanging over the fireplace, Lucius fully realised that he would never speak to her again. He would never see Narcissa letting her long, blonde hair down. He would never take her hand again, he would never feel the warmth of her body beside him. Never again would Narcissa rest her head on his chest and stroke his cheek. He would never again hear her laughter. His son would never know his mother. Lucius sat down heavily in the armchair and hid his face in his hands. After a while he started to drink. He realized that nothing could ease his pain, but he didn't care. He was alone, he had the right to do so. In a week, when he will pick up his child from Abraxas everything will be different.
*
Lucius was sitting at a table in his father's home in London drinking tea. Abraxas couldn't bear the sight of him, Lucius hadn't worn any color other than black since Narcissa's death. He stopped attending social events and very rarely met his friends. He no longer played the piano, he was doing the horse riding only with his son. His time was divided between work and raising a child. Draco was adult now, about to recieve his healer diploma this week. Abraxas couldn't bear the pain of his only son.
"Lucius, you should get married again" Abraxas looked at him carefully "It's been almost twenty years, it will really be easier for you..."
"No."
"It's the normal order of things, no one will accuse you of forgetting her..."
"I will never forget her, father," Lucius said coldly, "I won't let another woman into my house."
"Son, listen to me" Abraxas looked at him with concern "You deserve to be happy again..."
"I was already happy, father, with her," Lucius replied coolly. "You don't understand it, you don't realize how much I loved her. I still love her. I didn't forget."
" But son, I hate to see you suffer like that..."
"Father, enough," Lucius looked at him, steel in his voice. "Stop it."
"Son, let me help you" Abraxas wasn't going to surrender easily "You are still young, you are only forty-six years old, Draco will get married soon, he will move out, you will be completely alone..."
"I'm alone, father. I've been alone since she passed away. Since she's gone I haven't had a good night's sleep. I can't be happy, I can't laugh. She was everything to me, my whole life" Lucius looked at him and there was an overwhelming sadness in his eyes "Nobody can replace her, I will be alone for the rest of my life. I learned how to live with this pain, I raised my child as best I could, I made many mistakes - that's true - but every day without her is painful for me."
Abraxas didn't answer, he found no words that would be appropriate. He felt like an idiot, a persistent kid who couldn't understand the other person's situation. For the first time they talked so openly. Lucius had never said anything about his feelings towards Narcissa before.
"Life without her is a torment for me," Lucius said after a moment. "If it hadn't been for Draco, I would have comitted suicide long ago."
"She wouldn't have wanted it, son," Abraxas said softly, terrified of what he heard. "She would have wanted you to live."
"Don't be afraid, father, I won't kill myself" said Lucius, pouring himself tea - "I have a son who needs me, I want to see his wedding, I want to meet his children. But never ask me again to marry for a second time.
*
Lucius was having breakfst with his son, just like any other day during the Summer. For both of them having meals together was very important. They have never missed any of it.
"Elbows off the table, Draco,' Mr Malfoy said automatically, glancing at his son over the newspaper 'You're almost twenty years old for God's sake, it should be instinctive for you..."
"I get my healer's diploma today, father" Draco interrupted him, obediently correcting the position of his hands "Will you come?"
"Of course I'll come, grandpa will be there too." Lucius watched his son take a chocolate bun from a platter and pour milk into his tea. He was doing it with exact same move as Narcissa did. They were so alike, she as well liked pain au chocolat and drank earl gray with milk. Draco inherited her potions and healing skills, his handwriting resembeld hers. Just like his mother Draco hated boredom and apathy, he was constantly on the move, he despised idleness.
"Your mother would be very proud of you, son."
"I'd like to ask you something, father."
"Yes?"
"Did you love mother very much?"
Lucius looked at him suprised, they never talked about his feelings for Narcissa, it was too painful for him. He told Draco about his mother, he told him about their life together, emphasizing how happy they have been, but he never told him directly about his love for her.
"I loved her more than anything, son," he said after awhile "I still love her."
"That's why you didn't get married again?"
Lucius didn't know how to tell him that the very thought of living with another woman was disgusting to him.
"I didn't want to be with anyone except her" said Lucius after a moment od hesitation "I have never wanted to be with anyone until I met your mother. And when she died ... When she passed away, I stayed alone because I knew I wouldn't be able to live with anyone else.
"Do you miss her?"
"Not a day goes by that I don't think about her."
"Father I ..." Draco stuttered. "Are you mad at me?"
"Why should I be mad at you?"
"She died because of me" Draco didn't look at him " It's all my fault ..."
" What are you talking about?" Lucius interrupted him sharply "It's nobody's fault, mother was sick, you don't even realise how desperately we have wanted a child.
He remembered suddenly Narcissa's three miscarriages and how they were both suffering then, his voice stuck in his throat. When Cissy was pregnant for the fourth time they were both overjoyed. Narcissa was killed by a heavy childbirth and postpartum fever, it was nobody's fault.
"Son, look at me," Lucius said with concern "Mother loved you very much. She wouldn't have wanted you to think that."
Draco looked at him and smirked, Mr. Malfoy had no idea his son had blamed himself for so many years for his mother's death. He wanted to console him somehow, but he didn't know how, everything that came to mind was trivial and common.
"It's not your fault, not mine" Lucius repeated sharply "It's nobody's fault."
"I wanted to ask Astoria to marry me'" Draco blurted suddenly, looking into his father's eyes. "If you don't mind, of course."
"Congratulations," Lucius smiled and hugged him warmly, realizing that Draco did not want to talk about Narcissa any longer.
"Give her our ancestral engagement ring. I'll bring it to you later."
"Thank you, father" Draco finished his tea "I have to go now, or I'll be late."
When his son left, Lucius realised that for the first time since Narcissa's death he felt good.