Work Text:
Warning: Really, really bad language, courtesy of Zhao Yunlan. XD
“Ah… This is the life, Xiao Wei.” Zhao Yunlan whispered, sighing comfortably while lying flat on his stomach as Shen Wei sat straddling his narrow hips, lathering sunscreen across his back and shoulders in wide soothing circular motions. The whole thing was so relaxing that Zhao Yunlan had to fight the urge to fall asleep on the spot, but he powered through like a warrior for the sake of enjoying Shen Wei’s careful ministrations right up to the end.
Besides, they had all day, and the day after, and possibly the following two weeks to catch up on lost sleep.
They had saved the world again, traveling across different times and universes to set things right, and had come out stronger than before. The natural order of things dictated that they were entitled to a break, and so Zhao Yunlan had taken it into his own hands to give his big beauty the break that he deserved.
Of course, he would be tagging along to keep him company.
After all, he was a gentleman.
Zhao Yunlan purred in satisfaction as Shen Wei diligently worked the knots out of his tense neck, lingering on a particularly delicious spot. “You know, you don’t really have to worry about sunburns now…” Shen Wei remarked lightly as he continued with his massage, feeling like Zhao Yunlan was about curl up into a ball and show him his belly like their furry, feline deputy chief... which, in hindsight, was probably a fair assumption to make.
“But, baobei~” Zhao Yunlan whined, rolling onto his side as Shen Wei got off his back and settled down on the colorful towel spread out next to him. “I love it when you put it all over me.” He teased with a roguish smile, his eyes sparkling.
Shen Wei shook his head in disapproval, resisting the urge to scold Zhao Yunlan.
According to his experience, this would only encourage him. It was more efficient to just ignore the lewd insinuations.
As if to prove Shen Wei’s point, Zhao Yunlan changed the subject, shifting on his side to get a better look at him. “Although, honestly, it’s such a shame! We could have eloped to the ends of the world instead of driving just a couple of hours outside of Dragon City. It’s not like you have to worry about transportation when you can fly wherever you want.” Zhao Yunlan pointed out with a wink, looking very pleased with himself. This new god status really wasn’t doing anything to reduce his already over-inflated ego.
Shen Wei propped his head up with his hand, a slight crease forming between his eyebrows as he frowned. “Yunlan, we’ve talked about this. It’s best if you put your powers to a good use.”
Zhao Yunlan gasped at Shen Wei’s words, clutching his chest like a dying soldier. “Xiao Wei, what better reason is there? Don’t you love your husband more than anything? I’m wounded!” Then his expression changed in a heartbeat, from crushing betrayal to childish mischief. “Although... If you want to make it up to me, you can start by taking that off…” He cajoled, waggling his eyebrows suggestively as he slipped a hand underneath Shen Wei’s flashy button-up flower print shirt, and across the pale silk-like skin above the waistband of his trunks.
“Yunlan.” Shen Wei actually scolded him this time, grabbing Zhao Yunlan’s adventurous hand and taking it away from its dangerous position. “Be reasonable. I’ve already given in and put on these ridiculous clothes for you.”
“Ah, that’s right!” Zhao Yunlan exclaimed in realization. “Aiya, you’re so good to me~”
Shortly after, with the sun continuing its ascent in the bright blue sky and the temperature going up in kind, Zhao Yunlan suddenly started sweating. He wasn’t sure if he was really warm or if it was just the phantom feeling of the time when he had been a normal human, vulnerable to the various whims of the weather. Nevertheless, he was in the mood for a quick soak and, he had to admit, positively drooling at the thought of Shen Wei frolicking in the waters with him.
When he told Shen Wei as much—minus the drooling part, of course—Shen Wei graciously accepted, and so the two of them went out to play in the sea for a while, making all of Shen Wei’s sunscreen application efforts go to waste.
They had a lot of fun, shoving each other around and throwing water at one another. Truly, it was an adorable thing to see Shen Wei in such a defenseless state, laughing out loud with his wet bangs clinging to his forehead. Zhao Yunlan approached him in the water, going against the current of the rolling waves, and pushed his hair out of his eyes before smacking him on the lips, which caused Shen Wei to flush like a young maiden, further reinforcing his youthful image. Then, Shen Wei’s eyes widened in shock as he felt something slimy slithering up his thigh and, mortified, he threw a reproachful look at Zhao Yunlan, who met his gaze with a blank stare.
“Yunlan, not here... we’re in public…” Shen Wei chided him.
“Huh? It wasn’t me!” Zhao Yunlan protested, putting his hands up innocently. It really wasn’t, for once!
“If that’s the case, then what was that just now…?”
“Um, Xiao Wei? Let’s get out of there, stat.”
Without wasting another second, the two of them started running against the current with difficulty, scurrying out of the water and away from danger, laughing loudly as they threw each other down on the sand to rest. “That was close!” Zhao Yunlan sniggered, reaching for his water bottle and taking a swig out of it. Yet, seconds later, his face turned an odd shade of green and he spat out the liquid instantly, throwing the bottle on the ground and glaring at the offending item pathetically lying there. “What the hell…? Vinegar?! That’s fucking disgusting! Who put that in there?” He roared at no one in particular, scanning his surroundings in an attempt to spot the person responsible for this masquerade.
“It’s probably just a child playing pranks.” Shen Wei offered, then bristled as Zhao Yunlan shot him a suspicious look. “Don’t look at me like that. Do you really think I would be capable of doing such a thing?”
“No, of course not.” Zhao Yunlan admitted, taking Shen Wei’s hand in his and squeezing it apologetically. “Sorry, babe. But we’re all alone here... There isn’t a living soul within dozens of kilometers. How could someone possibly…?”
Not only that, but who would stoop so low as to pull such a dirty trick on such an angel as himself?
Well, if he really thought about it hard...
Zhao Yunlan had a few ideas, but he didn’t have proof, and he knew that Shen Wei would tell him not to accuse anyone without a good reason, so he remained silent and tried to calm down.
Whoever it was, he would not let them ruin his holiday.
“It doesn’t matter.” Shen Wei resolved, handing him his own bottle. “Here, you can have mine.”
Smirking, Zhao Yunlan grabbed the bottle and drank in long gulps, gloating inwardly at the culprit’s lame attempt at ruining his honeymoon with the love of his life. Such an ignorant fool who knew nothing about married life...
What did he need his own bottle for when he could drink from Shen Wei’s? This was even better!
Ha! Sucker.
Deciding to drop the matter for now, Zhao Yunlan suggested that they lie down for a while. They were both exhausted from doing nothing—vacations were hard work after all—so both of them fell into a deep slumber almost right away. Upon waking from their afternoon nap, they found that the sun was burning brighter than ever, despite a light breeze—a clear indication that they had been out for quite some time. Sitting up and wiping the sweat off his forehead, Zhao Yunlan nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized that his hand was covered in some kind of red sticky substance.
What on Earth... Could it be… blood?!
“...It’s lipstick.” Shen Wei stated when he saw Zhao Yunlan’s expression of disbelief. “You’re covered in it.”
Looking down at his naked torso, Zhao Yunlan found that this was the truth. He squinted his eyes hard, trying to read the flipped characters scrawled all over his body. “‘It’s payback time... bitch.’ That ugly wench! How dare she...?!” Zhao Yunlan fumed, outraged. Zhu Hong must have wasted an entire tube of expensive lipstick to pull off that stunt, which said a lot about how deep her anger ran. Everyone knew how much the snake lady valued her beauty products.
“Calm down, Ah Lan…” Shen Wei cooed, trying to soothe his lover’s fury. “They’re just having fun.”
That was easy to say when you weren’t the prime target of a bunch of psychos!
Zhao Yunlan couldn’t help but notice that Shen Wei’s entire person was void of any vulgar graffiti. All he had was a post-it pasted to his forehead which read ‘How could you, Professor’ in nervous, unconfident strokes. Huh… Even that fool with a toilet for a brain had been dragged into this farce… Raging, Zhao Yunlan reached forward to snatch the paper away, crumpling it into a ball while Shen Wei blinked in surprise, as if he hadn’t been aware that it was there, and throwing it towards the sea before having it blown back into his face.
He swore.
“Yunlan…” Shen Wei whispered, cupping his face with his hand and stroking his cheek in a tender, calming fashion. “Please don’t be angry. Let’s just enjoy ourselves, okay?”
The gesture had the desired effect and Zhao Yunlan melted instantly under Shen Wei’s magic touch.
“Alright, I won’t. But this better stop quickly.” He mumbled, burying his face in Shen Wei’s neck as the other petted his hair affectionately. Within seconds of lying comfortably inside each other’s arms, the lovebirds had fallen back asleep.
Sadly, Zhao Yunlan was soon pulled back to reality by a gentle yet firm nudge from Shen Wei. “Ah Lan. Wake up.”
“No… let me enjoy this…” Zhao Yunlan whined, snuggling closer against Shen Wei’s dreamy, cool skin.
At some point during their nap, Zhao Yunlan found, Shen Wei’s shirt had run up his stomach a bit, so he couldn’t resist putting his dirty paws all over his revealed abdomen, sighing happily at the comforting body contact.
But Shen Wei was adamant, and he insisted. “I really think you should see this…”
“See what…? What is it, Xiao Wei?” Zhao Yunlan asked drowsily with a loud yawn, rubbing his tired eyes as he sat up, and finally emerging from his sleep. As his eyes cracked open painfully, wincing at the brightness of the sunlight, Zhao Yunlan caught sight of Shen Wei pointing at a spot nearby, and he turned to check. At first, he didn’t understand what he was supposed to be looking at, but soon realized that it wasn’t what he was seeing, but rather…
What was supposed to be there that wasn’t.
“Where are my clothes...? My wallet?! What the hell… My keys are gone, too!” Zhao Yunlan cried out in affront as he sifted through the sand with his hands like a stranded man looking for a miserly drop of water.
Unsettlingly quiet, Shen Wei got up to his feet, picking up his and Zhao Yunlan’s towels and brushing off the sand on them carefully before folding them up into neat little squares, which he stashed away in their canvas duffle bag.
It seemed like their little trip had come to a premature end.
It was truly a shame, but Shen Wei didn’t mind. He just hoped Zhao Yunlan wouldn’t be too angry at everyone, so that peace could continue at No.9 University Road.
“Xiao Wei! There’s sand in my shoes...” Zhao Yunlan complained before joining Shen Wei by their luggage, sulking.
Shen Wei smiled mildly, caressing the head of the octopus currently clinging to his midsection. He was used to Zhao Yunlan’s spoiled behavior, and besides, his attitude was justified this time around.
“At least they were kind enough to leave you your phone.” Shen Wei pointed out, deciding to play the diplomatic card.
Hearing this, Zhao Yunlan looked up at Shen Wei with wide unbelieving eyes. “...But babe, they’re only ever nice to you! I swear those people hate my guts. And on what grounds? What have I ever done to them besides nurture them and give them a roof over their heads, and food on their table? Those ungrateful brats don’t know how lucky they are...” Zhao Yunlan lamented bitterly, though he secretly enjoyed the extra attention directed at him by Shen Wei.
Shen Wei was running out of excuses for the SID members’ actions. He really wanted to avoid another war if possible... The most recent one had lasted weeks and caused substantial damage, costing hundreds of dollars in broken property.
“We did abandon them with work up to their ears…” Shen Wei said quietly, attempting to quench the fire one last time.
But Zhao Yunlan stopped him dead in his tracks, shaking his finger at him.
“Oh, no... Nuh-huh. Drop that kind of thinking right away, sweetie. Look, we deserved this vacation, and I’m their freaking boss, but nobody respects me in that house!” Pulling away from his darling’s embrace, Zhao Yunlan took a few steps away and, cupping his hands to amplify his voice, screamed towards the horizon. “Get out of there, you freaking cowards! Show yourselves if you have the balls! When I get my hands on you, you can bet I’m gonna kick your collective, sorry asses so hard you won’t be able to sit down for days! Now come on!”
“Here.” Shen Wei called in a thin voice from behind Zhao Yunlan, who whirled around to face him.
It was his cellphone, which Shen Wei had just dug out of the sand.
“Thank you. Wait, what…” Zhao Yunlan’s face darkened visibly at the sight of Shen Wei’s expression, then he peered at his cellphone just in time to spot the raunchy image of a woman in almost non-existent clothing that flashed when his screen woke up, activated by the motion. Someone had changed his wallpaper from Shen Wei’s to-die-for, exquisite visage to the vulgar picture of a swimsuit model that, fair enough, he had used to like, but for whom he had no interest whatsoever now that he had met his precious baby doll. “Hold up a second. That wasn’t there before. I swear I have nothing to do with this! C’mon, Xiao Wei—don’t you know your hubby better than that?”
Shen Wei’s mildly annoyed expression, complete with the arms-crossed-over-his-chest pose, told him that it was precisely because he knew him so well that he was having a hard time believing him.
“Babe, there’s no one but you in my heart! Please, you have to believe me!” Zhao Yunlan pleaded, tugging on Shen Wei’s arm as the other stood facing the other way, his face set in a deadpan expression. Pushed to the edge of desperation, Zhao Yunlan clung miserably to Shen Wei’s shirt, refusing to let go. “Come on, Xiao Wei… I have no one but you left in this world… Everyone else has betrayed this pitiful old man…”
Shen Wei left Zhao Yunlan hanging for three second tops, then took pity on him, unable to let his love suffer any longer.
“I’m not mad.” Shen Wei said softly, turning around to squeeze his shoulder. “Anyway, we should probably head back.”
“Right. Oh, what’s that? Someone just texted me.” Zhao Yunlan declared, opening the notification.
It was an unknown number. The message read:
Drive safely on the way back... LOL
This… This reeked of Chu Shuzhi and Lin Jing devilry. Zhao Yunlan clenched his teeth, expecting the worse at this point.
He had a really bad feeling about this. “No, no, no, no, no… These bastards, they couldn’t have…”
With his heart in his throat, Zhao Yunlan sprinted across the beach in his partial state of nudity, and out to the nearby country lane, stopping near the tree where he had parked his car, only to find that it was no longer there.
Yep, they were stranded in some backwater town out in the boonies, hours away from home.
Curse these fools!
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flying ball of fur came hurtling at Zhao Yunlan’s naked chest, screaming bloody murder. “Meoooow! Those bastards left this godly cat here to die like some vulgar, wet-nosed stray kitten! How dare they?!” Da Qing screeched, digging his claws into Zhao Yunlan’s bare shoulders, almost drawing blood. Cursing his stupid fat cat, Zhao Yunlan grabbed him by the scruff and lifted him to eye-level, shooting daggers at him with his stare.
“You better start explaining fast, fat fuq.”
And so, in the absence of a working vehicle at hand, Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei called a taxi and rode all the way home to No.9 University Road, their powers, of course, meant to be used only in dire need.
As payback, the ride fee would be deducted twofold directly from the SID members’ salary.
And of course, there would be no bonuses this year, much to Lin Jing’s dismay.