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Eyeing the uniform in hand, Malleus rolled his thumb against the silk fabric, a feeling so unfamiliar to him. The seamless trim and the vibrance of the dye, visually dazzling, formed a bitter taste in his mouth, only serving as a reminder of how little the robes had been worn. He wasn't upset about it. It just seemed like such a waste, considering his had been specially crafted for him. Yes, he wasn't upset. Just disappointed.
Maybe he also felt a bit foolish. Embarrassed perhaps. It was naturally expected for all students--for all dorm leaders--to attend the entrance ceremony, so why would he desire a personal invitation? Had he simply remembered the date, these robes would have fulfilled their purpose.
Time was such an afterthought to him, even as he entered his third year, the dates of events went in one ear and out the other. He pondered briefly, wondering if the same issue perplexed his senior, but then he was reminded that Lilia had the benefit of receiving invitations, and the bitter taste returned once more.
"Malleus?" He turned his head towards the voice, blinking wearily at the silhouette standing in the doorway. "Are you still awake?"
Malleus frowned, hastily shoving the robes to the side. "Yes. Did you need something, Lilia?"
"I wanted to check on you. Make sure you were alright." Malleus stifled a groan. He was doing it again--treating him like a child.
"I am fine. I've already said this." It felt as if in the blink of an eye Lilia was bed-side. He didn't particularly like the closed distance, but even being as powerful as he was, Malleus was still so easy for him to approach.
"You certainly did say that, yes." Lilia laughed. "You also gave that Kingscholar quite the tongue-lashing. You've always worn your heart on your sleeve, but it was refreshing to see you so sincerely engaging with your peers. Being a bit more honest."
Malleus huffed snidely. "I was simply playing along with his game, as one would do with a child. They’re all as much my peers as yours."
Lilia sighed, folding his arms and gently shaking his head. It seems he reopened another wound in an attempt to reconcile another. "I meant as fellow students."
"If that were really true, then there would be no issue, no?"
"Perhaps so." Malleus was always particularly skilled at talking him into a corner. Had there been lessons in self-deprecation, he'd still have top marks in the school.
Lilia looked to him, eyes softening, yet Malleus continued to look away, his gaze falling upon the barely used robes still placed on his bed. Lilia took quick notice.
"They surely will come around, Malleus." He leaned in, a knee placed on the bed as his petite palm laid upon Malleus' much larger hand. The gesture was met with a reflexive flinch, Malleus finally looking back briefly before pulling his hand away with a grimace.
"It's a waste of time regardless. I don't see why you can't be the one to invite me. Or do you also forget me?" The words came out more pained than intended, losing face for a moment. It had been so long since Lilia touched him so intimately, the feeling, the rush of the sentiment temporarily overwhelmed him.
"I can't hold your hand--" A pause as Lilia reflected on his previous gesture. "I can't be the one who guides you through this. Your attendance at Night Raven College is much more a social experience than an educational one, you know this." Malleus grumbled. "We can't be like this forever."
Malleus noticeably stiffened, catching a glimpse of Lilia's darkening expression. He relaxed his posture to signify his understanding and turned to face Lilia, matching his vulnerability.
"Are we even like this now?" A bitter laugh in response. "I'm serious."
"I would like to think so." Lilia finally settled onto the bed, curling his legs beneath him, back rested against the headboard. "But my old mind hasn't gone far enough to believe it." Another shallow laugh.
"I'm aware you've been distancing yourself from me."
"I assumed so. The years haven't made me crafty enough for your perception, hm?"
"We've been together so long, having it come apart in just a few years is hard to mistake."
Lilia closed his eyes, tilting his head back, no doubt reminiscing. It had been so long since he could do so fondly, even now only bittersweet at best. What had felt short for Malleus felt much shorter to him. If he were a bit less jaded he may have felt insulted.
"You remember what I said--certainly you do--all those years ago? This was never something that could last. I know you wanted it to, but--"
"Did you not?" Lilia stammered off, pursing his lips into a thin line. How many times had they been through this? Too many to count, and everytime felt worse than the last.
"You know I did, Malleus. That's not fair." Malleus slumped forward, his feelings clearly displayed on his face, exposed in a way only Lilia was permitted to see.
Lilia felt his chest ache. He hated this. He hated thinking about this. Maybe he was as vulnerable as Malleus at times. While he stewed in his resentment and soured feelings, Lilia had always tried to push it away. If he didn't think about it, the problem wouldn't be there, right? There was so much more to worry about. Malleus had so much ahead of him after this short period. He felt like a true failure of a guardian to let things end up this way. Only adding to the stress. Burdening him with these feelings. And yet .
Lilia placed his hand upon Malleus' once more, now met with no resistance. He leaned forward, pressing his chest against his arm. With a faint shiver, Malleus' head turned to face his stare. Even to such old souls, it felt like an eternity since they had been this close. Close like this.
They couldn't be together. For the years, decades, centuries since they had fallen for one another, they knew it could never last. As an heir to the throne, Malleus was destined to fulfill certain expectations, and Lilia's romantic involvement ran against them all. And with the day of his coronation drawing nearer, the aching desire grew more agonizing.
"Lilia." He leaned in. Destiny be damned. Each instance of Lilia rejecting his desires for intimacy during their enrollment played over in his mind as he slowly broke through the barrier. Meeting no resistance, he wasted no time in seizing his lips with his own.
As if presented with a banquet, he captured his lips ravenously, cupping his cheek with one hand while lacing their fingers together with the other. The enjoyment of finally being allowed to indulge in him once more was flanked beside the knowledge that it wouldn't last as long as it needed to, combining the flutter of his chest with a painful knot twisting in his stomach. He wanted this to feel better, but the tender feeling of Lilia's lips against his own made his eyes sting with tears. He felt so pathetic. So desperate. But he couldn't, he wouldn't stop.
A hand placed gently against his chest finally drove him out of his spiral, and he released him, pulling back and blinking away his blurring vision. Lilia smiled sadly, taking a moment to catch his breath before letting out another weak chuckle. The tears were faint, but Lilia still found himself running his thumb over Malleus' cheek to brush them away.
"I guess I'm a lot weaker than I thought." The smile on his face could not disguise the bitterness of his words. Malleus swallowed hard, feeling nauseated by the tone.
"Let's have one more moment of weakness." Malleus whispered, squeezing his hand more tightly around Lilia's.
It was a stupid idea. Something they knew they would regret, only igniting the flames they so desperately needed to dull. And yet the yes rolled so effortlessly off Lilia's tongue, and his eyes closed once more as their lips met again.