Chapter Text
An empty home, an old guitar, a failed attempt of connecting with the good part of her past, and a pained look at her missing fingers was all it took for Ellie to realize there really was nothing left for her in this life anymore.
Ellie left the guitar resting on the windowsill and made her way downstairs and out of the empty house, almost mechanically. She had no idea where to go and what to do. The trip back to Wyoming took any energy she had left, her physical injuries were dragging her down, which wasn't helped by the fact that her stitches tore open at least three times. Her stitching skills weren't stellar before, but with the uncontrollable shaking of her hands, and the agonizing pain in her right one, she found it extremely hard to stitch herself shut every time. Ellie preferred to avoid thinking about her mental state, at least until her next anxiety attack or traumatizing flashback forced her to.
Ellie knew that she practically had nowhere to go, she didn't want to go back to Jackson. She was pretty sure Dina had taken JJ and went back there, and she already caused them enough pain as it is, there was no need to add any further damage to anyone who was associated with her. Especially not to Dina and their little boy. They were better off without her.
Everyone was, Ellie thought.
She sighed and clutched her side, feeling the small lump of stitches throbbing underneath her palm. Ellie tried to keep the wound as clean as possible, but it really was an impossible task when she had to travel over a thousand miles with nothing but a backpack full of ammo and food, weapons, and the clothes on her back. She saw the angry red colour of the wound a few days ago, and she felt the exhaustion and the fever coming over her today when she woke up in some abandoned basement.
An infection being the thing that finally kills her was a little bit ironic, she thought. But she didn't mind, she was tired of everything, she wanted to rest, she wanted to stop feeling like she existed within an everlasting nightmare. And maybe, if there was something beyond, she could be reunited with Joel.
Ellie wandered into the woods, she knew this part was clear of infected and bandits since it fell within the Jackson patrols territory. She remembered riding out here with Jesse back when everything was normal, before her life and her sanity went to hell.
She made her way into an abandoned cabin they used to camp out in when a particularly tough storm or blizzard hit and went up the little staircase, clutching the blue railing tightly with one hand and her stab wound with another, feeling all remaining strength leave her body. The only thing that kept Ellie going since the minute she decided to spare Abby's life was a need to see if Dina was still there. Ellie knew she didn't deserve it, didn't deserve any of Dina's love or kindness or warmth. Not after everything she's done and all the lives she's taken. But the tiny, stupid part of her brain that held out hope kept her going, and when she walked into her empty home today, the only guiding light left inside her went out. It was the final blow that made Ellie realize that she truly had ran out of reasons to keep going.
Clutching the door handle, she shoved her shoulder once, twice, against its rusty hinges until it finally creaked open. A clattering sound followed, catching Ellie's attention. She looked down to find her small, empty pistol on the ground. Ellie didn't bother to get it back. No one could hurt her with it, and even if someone could, she didn't really care anymore.
She went into the cabin and closed the door behind her, darkness immediately settled upon her, and Ellie felt her chest tightening and tears stinging her eyes, a flood of bad memories and agonizing events flashing before her like the worst horror movie she could ever watch. Ellie immediately creaked the door open again, allowing a little light into the room, then she dragged a chair and placed it against the door, wanting something to keep it from opening all the way up.
After placing her bloodstained backpack and her weapons on the floor, Ellie rummaged through the cabinets for anything to drink or eat, and came up with a half full water bottle and a recently expired can of sliced peaches. Ellie ate and drank quickly, quietly hoping that this would be her last meal, and as things stood, there was no reason why it wouldn't be. She felt a horrendous pain radiating from her stomach, and a heaviness settle upon her limbs by midday, and by nightfall, she laid down on the floor with a pool of vomit beside her, the product of her illness and a particularly bad panic attack, triggered by the sound of her rifle sliding off the wall and clattering to the ground.
Ellie woke up the very next day with a burning fever, and she couldn't help but think that dying from an infected wound sounded like a horrible and unpleasantly long way to die. She figured that she deserves it after everything she's done, but that didn't mean she appreciated any part of it. She swung in and out of consciousness the entire day, seeing Dina and Joel and even Jesse walking through the cabin at one point. She tried reaching out and talking to them, but all they did was give her a look of disgust and disappointment before turning their heads away from her and vanishing from Ellie's sight.
She was hallucinating, she knew that much, which probably meant that she was doing a lot worse than she originally thought, but on the bright side, she was finally going to die. Ellie kept thinking about Dina, happy with someone who loves her enough to stick around, who wasn't tormented by night terrors and panic attacks and PTSD, who was whole enough to reciprocate her love and warmth. She thought about JJ, who was going to grow up with an incredible mother, and her healthy partner who didn't have a small town's population worth of murders weighing down on their conscience. Ellie was content with her decision not to go back to Jackson. It was her last parting gift for Dina and JJ, she will give them something she longed for her entire life but never managed to fully get: peace. It was a thought that lulled Ellie into sleep.
She was so tired and ill that she didn't wake up the next morning, she wasn't startled by the sound of two horses approaching the cabin, she didn't hear a guy shouting for his partner to come over and take a look at the abandoned pistol and the open cabin door. She did hear the sound of the chair she put against her cabin's door scrap against the wooden floor, but it was so distant that she might as well have been hearing it from under water, she could hear a faint conversation, but she had no strength to react, and no willpower to reach for her knife and fight for her life, she was dying anyway.
"There's someone in here." She heard a young voice, maybe around her age say. Another pair of feet shuffled into the cabin and joined them.
"Christ Almighty, it's Ellie Williams!" a surprised, older voice exclaimed. "The hell is she doin' out here?" The voice had a slight accent that reminded her of Joel's, and if she had the energy, Ellie would feel heart ache and longing to hear his voice one more time.
"I don't know, Lawrence. But she doesn't look good." The younger voice responded, worry painted all over his tone. The same feet shuffled again, this time coming towards her, and a few seconds later Ellie felt a hand press on her forehead.
"Goddamn, she's burnin' up." The man said, voice laced with concern. Ellie then felt strong arms slide beneath her neck and knees. She wanted to protest, wanted to tell them to leave her out here to die like she deserves, but all that came out of her throat was a choked whimper.
"We're gonna get you back home, Ellie. Just hang in there, kid." She heard the older man say to her, and then an overwhelmingly bright light flooded them. Ellie felt herself being passed to much more slender arms for a minute, before she was sat down on a horse, her back leaning into the old man's front. The stitches in her stomach screamed in agony with every movement the horse made.
But Ellie was, once again, too tired to remain conscious. And a welcomed darkness swallowed her in.