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The air was stuffy and rather suffocating. Sander wouldn't mind if someone opened a window even though it was freezing outside. He was sitting on the couch, watching the teenagers in front of him goofing and playing around. Sander couldn't help but feeling a little out of place. He didn't know those people that well to join them on the dance floor. To be weird or silly around them.
So now he was waiting for his boyfriend to return from whatever Robbe was doing. The so-called broersss had stolen the boy from him.
Robbe, who had been sitting very close to him (practically on Sander's lap), had pouted when Jens and Moyo had pulled him from the sofa, promising he would be back as soon as possible.
Sander had just winked and had put his beer bottle against his lip.
Now they were off, probably doing some stupid stuff, so Sander was left all on his own. He knew the names of the girls on the dance floor and, of course, he knew Milan, but still. He knew that the brown-haired girl, Jana who was downing a bottle of wine, was friends with Britt, so he didn't really feel like talking to her.
Then there was Amber which he would avoid in every single situation. Even now at a simple Christmas party, the girl was probably ordering people around.
Milan was dancing his heart out on the dancefloor while singing loudly so Sander also let him be.
Suddenly his gaze fell on a girl with bleached blond hair standing in a corner texting on her phone. No one was paying attention to her.
Sander had been surprised when he got the notification from the girl who added him to the group chat. He hadn't really talked to Zoë since Robbe moved out of the flat a year ago. Of course, he saw her at parties or gatherings, but that had been nothing more than an exchange of smiles or a polite nod.
It had warmed his heart that she had added him for some reason. He felt like he was part of their group.
Robbe had given him a confused look when he had said something about it.
'You are part of this group, baby. Of course, you are.'
Sander had to blink a few times to suppress some tears.
He didn't really understand Robbe's and Zoë's friendship. They didn't have much in common.
It was probably a bond they had built while they lived together.
Sander knew that the girl was supporting his boyfriend a lot. She cooked for him, talked to him, and suggested going to therapy. Now Sander thought about it, she was practically a mum. All that while she was going through a rough time herself.
Maybe that was her way of coping, taking care of others.
Either way, Sander was thankful for Zoë. She was a good friend.
She seemed to be frustrated by the way she was typing. Fingers moving furiously and slamming down slightly harder than necessary.
'Hey, everything alright? That phone didn't hurt anybody.'
Zoë startles when Sander approaches her. A smile quickly paints her face, but her eyes don't do the same.
'Yeah, just some shit.'
Sander took another gulp from his almost empty bottle.
'Want to talk about it?'
He just said it to be polite. He didn't expect the tears in the brown eyes.
Fuck.
'Euhh, should I get Senne or someone?'
Sander vaguely pointed towards the corner where the boyfriend was sitting.
Zoë shook her head quickly. 'No, please no.'
'You sure? Or maybe Milan-'
The girl shook her head again. 'No, I just need to pull myself together. I am sorry.'
Sander reaches out to give her an awkward pat on her shoulder.
'It’s going to be okay.'
Zoë took a deep breath before nodding. 'I am sorry.'
'No need to apologize.'
He stays silent for a second.
'Want to get some fresh air?'
Zoë softly nods.
Sander lets out a relieved sigh. He finally has an excuse to escape the suffocating room. Zoë guides him towards the small but cosy balcony that is filled with plants and decorated with fairy lights.
Sander can feel goosebumps appearing all over his body when the cold wind hits his skin.
He visibly shivers and Zoë hands him a blanket that was lying inside a bench.
'It’s probably cold, but better than nothing'
Zoë attempts to smile while sitting down on the bench.
Sander joins her.
There is a comfortable silence. You can vaguely hear music in the background and people laughing.
Sander closes his eyes for a second, enjoying the icy wind on his cheeks.
He doesn't like parties that much, not this kind of party. He likes hanging out with friends, but not dancing or loud music.
In fact, he hates the music that is usually played.
It has no meaning, no depth, no hidden meaning. Just people yelling about drugs, bitches or money.
But Robbe likes it so Sander goes with him sometimes.
It was kinda ridiculously how gone Sander was for his boyfriend.
He wakes up from his thoughts when he hears the girl next to him crying softly.
Her shoulders shaking while she tries to suppress her tears.
'I am sorry. It’s just some stuff that is going on.'
'Want to talk about it?'
Zoë shakes her head.
'No, it just gets to me sometimes.'
'Is it the court thing?'
Sander doesn't know the full story. Robbe once said something about Zoë going to court for sexual assault, but that the girl had a hard time with it, which had surprised Sander. Zoë seemed like a girl that wasn't afraid of anything and always fought for justice.
But Sander didn't know the full story so he would never judge.
'It kinda is, but also my parents are driving me mad.'
Zoë wipes her tears and takes a deep breath before continuing her story.
'They can be so obviously and ignorant sometimes. I'm happy I don't have to see them every day.'
The girl sighs.
'I mean, I kinda miss them but yeah.'
Her feet shift uncomfortably on the ground.
'Tough relationship?'
It’s a stupid question, but Sander doesn't know what else he can say.
'Sometimes it just comes across as if I can do nothing right. I don't even want to talk about it, to be honest. I am done with them. They are different than me and that is okay.'
Sander gives her a weak smile.
'It is good that you stand up for yourself.'
The girl chuckles and shakes her head. 'You don't even want to know it, but enough about me. How are you doing?'
Zoë has some sort of gift. If she stares at you, you can't lie. It feels like you are talking to your mother. Or maybe even a grandmother. There is no way that you are going to say no or refuse something.
'Well okay, I guess. This is not really my type of party, but yeah for the rest is everything fine.'
'And with you and Robbe?'
'Never have been better.'
Sander can't stop himself. A smile appears on his face when he thinks about his boyfriend. They have been dating for a year and things have never been better. They both know each other so well.
One look and they know how the other is feeling.
It still feels surreal for Sander. That he has someone who loves him unconditionally even on his bad days. Even when he’s in a bad mood or when he is rating endlessly over a David Bowie song that came out thirty years ago.
Robbe is the most wonderful person on this planet and Sander feels lucky every day that he can call that boy his.
'I happy to hear that. He deserves it. You two deserve it.'
Zoë gives him a soft smile while staring at the night sky.
'I am just so proud of him. He has come a long way, you know.'
Sander chuckles softly 'believe me, I know.'
'Sometimes I feel a bit guilty, but when I try to talk about it, he always brushes it off.'
'What do you mean?'
Zoë bites her lip.
'I feel like we all made him feel as if his sexuality was a big deal when it isn't.'
Sander gives her a confused look. 'What do you mean? I thought you were all surprised when he came out?'
Zoë sighs and slowly shakes her head.
'Do you know what happened between him and Jana?'
'Jana? No? What happened between them? I thought she was Jens, his ex?'
'Well, Jana and Robbe used to be very good friends. They have known each other for a long time. Since kindergarten, I believe.'
Sander stays silent for a second while trying to recall Robbe's relationship with the brown-haired girl. He can't think of a moment when they looked like friends, friendly yes but not best friends.
'It became slightly different when Jana started to date Jens. I am sure you know all about that drama.'
Zoë gives him a suggestive look.
To be honest, Sander doesn't know that much about that drama. Britt didn't really talk about it. He had heard just before he went to the beach house.
He didn't know any details.
'Jens and Britt used to date, right?'
'Yes, before Jens cheated with Jana.'
Sander whistles softly.
'I thought Britt and Jana were friends?'
'That is the entire problem. They were best friends.'
Sander is searching for the right words to say. 'That is kinda- I mean. That is kinda fucked up?'
Zoë raises her eyebrow.
'You are not really the one to talk, now are you?'
The words come from deep and Sander can hear the judgement in her voice. She basically spits the word at him
Sander holds his hands up in defence. 'No judgement here. I am just surprised.'
It explains a lot about Britt's behaviour, to be honest. The way she almost begged him to come to the beach house. Sander first didn't want to come until he realised that Robbe might be there.
To be fair, he is no better than Jens or Jana he realises.
He feels bad for Britt. All thisl must have fucked her up.
'But what happened between Robbe and Jana?'
Zoë sighs loudly again.
'It is a true high school drama.'
'I don't have to know the details.'
'Well, there is more to the story, but Jens and Jana's relationship wasn't the best. Jana didn't trust him and Jens was a bit too chill. Jana became so paranoid that she had convinced herself Jens was cheating so she did the same.'
'But he wasn't?'
Zoë shakes her head.
'That is a-' he pauses for a second searching for the right word '-mess.'
'Tell me all about it. Jana felt extremely guilty and told Robbe about it.'
Sander feels weird about this conversation. It feels as if he is entering unknown territory. He only knows Robbe as the sweet little boy that wouldn't hurt a fly.
'And he told Jens?'
'No, he just gave her bad advice and told her that she shouldn't tell Jens.'
'That is not that bad, right? I mean it is not the right thing, but not bad.'
Zoë shakes her head.
'He did something else as well.'
Sander stays silent for a second. He isn't sure if he wants to know.
This is Robbe's past and he should learn through Robbe. Maybe Robbe has a totally different story.
At moments like this, he wishes he could control his curiosity. That he would just tell Zoë to shut up and wait for Robbe to ever talk about it.
But he really wants to know so he says nothing.
'Okay, this is the part where it gets complicated. Jana cheated on Jens with Luka, a friend of Senne. Luka was in a relationship with a girl called Marie. Robbe went to Marie and told her about what Jana did and there was this bitch fight and the entire school knew. It was so bad that Jana wanted to change schools.'
'Why did he do that?'
Sander can't help but feel confused. That is not like Robbe at all.
'Well, I thought at first that he had a crush on Jana. Jens and Jana were always together and maybe he was jealous or something. But it turned out he had a crush on Jens.'
Sander bites his lip. He knew about that crush. He teased Robbe with it all the time, but he never knew that it was so serious that his boyfriend hurt one of his close friends.
'Maybe it was also his home situation. His dad had just left him. Plus Moyo joined their friend group and Moyo and Robbe weren't that good friends at first. I don't know.'
'How did you know it was Jens he had a crush on?'
'I borrowed his phone once and I swear to god I didn't mean to do it. I just clicked on his search history and yeah-'
Zoë awkwardly plays with a loose string of the blanket.
'What did you find?'
'Porn.'
Zoë sighs loudly before looking Sander directly in the eye.
'Gay porn.'
Sander nods slowly.
His heart aches for fifteen-year-old Robbe. Probably confused about what it all means. Figuring out his sexuality while his home situation is shit.
Sander wishes he would have known his boyfriend back then. Maybe he could have helped Robbe.
'And then I did something which I really regret. You have to keep in mind that I was young and didn't think about it. I showed Jana and we told all the girls.'
She lowers her gaze and Sander can see her cheeks getting rid.
'It kinda became a game for us. Trying to get him out of the closet.'
Sander had expected a lot of things, but not this. Not this from the always political correct Zoë.
'It was a game to you?'
He can't hide the judgement in his voice. Something about this makes him feel sick.
Sander knew Robbe had a hard time coming out. He had always wondered where that came from.
Robbe wasn't as comfortable in his own skin as Sander and that was okay, but Robbe was almost terrified of coming out.
The boy went to extreme levels to hide his sexuality.
Zoë lowers her head and sighs loudly.
'I know how it sounds, but I didn't really get that it would hurt him. I don't have a problem with him being gay so I didn't understand why he didn't just come out.'
The girl sighs again.
'What we did was just fun and we thought it was exciting. Now I realise that we might have done a lot of damage.'
Sander can't help but chuckle.
'I think that is an understatement.'
'I can't believe how stupid I was. Like a gay test really?'
Sander raises his eyebrow silently waiting for an explanation, but there came none.. Zoë is completely zoned out.
'I should have stuck up or, but maybe I was the worst of them all.
Zoë lets go of the string, but avoids looking at Sander.
'I should have said something to defend him.'
'When?'
Sander can't help feeling a little lost. He knows that Robbe's friends weren't that supportive, but it isn't Zoë responsibility right?'
'So many times. Moyo-' she pauses for a second. 'Well Moyo said a lot of bullshit and it must have hurt Robbe.'
Deep down Sander knows exactly what kind of bullshit. It hadn't escaped his mind how easily Robbe used slurs. He just threw them around as if they meant nothing.
Because Robbe wanted to hurt Sander, so he did in a way he had hurt himself many times before.
The realisation gave him a strange feeling in his chest. It confirmed his long time suspicion.
'I don't even know why I am telling you this. You don't have anything to do with it, but Robbe just brushes it off and I need to tell someone I am sorry.'
Sander says silently for a second.
'After Robbe and I first kissed, he blocked me. The next day he said I had taken advantage of him and called me a slur. Of course, I was upset about it. At first, I thought it was my fault, that I had misunderstood. You have no idea how I felt.'
Zoë makes a strange sound.
Sander remembers the feeling very well. The feeling of rejection, guilt and shame. He had been heartbroken. Robbe had been his crush for months and Sander had been just excited when they finally kissed. In his eyes, they had been circling around each other for weeks.
He had been so happy. At first, he thought Robbe had blocked him by accident, but after all those harsh words it felt like the world had come crashing down.
'It took him five days to come and see me. He apologized and I knew through Britt that he had broken up with Noor so he was serious. But even after that, I had to leave early when we were hanging out, because you might come home. He was so terrified that someone would find out.
He had forgiven Robbe quite easily for his fall out because that kiss had been mind-blowing. Sander knew he could be overwhelming. He understood that the boy had been confused. Robbe was dating Noor after all.
Robbe wasn't like Sander. If Sander saw something and something clicked, he just knew it was for him. When he saw Robbe he knew.
There was no debate.
Robbe was the one for him.
He has had that certain feeling a few times in his life. When he first visited his art high school, with David Bowie, the artwork in his bedroom. Something clicks inside him and he goes for it, all the way or no way.
'It doesn't matter now anymore' Sander adds quietly when Zoë doesn't respond.
'He has grown a lot the past year.'
Sander nods, his boyfriend certainly did. His heart jumped every time when Robbe did something to do with pride.
They had been through a lot together, but in the end, it made them stronger.
Robbe had to discover the hard way how important pride was.
'Jesus it is freezing outside' Robbe soft voice interrupts the silence.
The boy hops on Sander's lap and pulls the blanket over both of them.
'What are you doing here?'
He raises his eyebrow and turns his head towards the girl.
'Are you two gossiping?'
Robbe's tone is light and teasing. Sander can tell that his boyfriend may have had a drink too many.
He wraps his arms tightly around the waist of his lovers while burying his face in the nape of the younger boy.
'Just chatting' he hears Zoë say.
'What have you been up to?' Sander whispers against the hot skin of his boyfriend. He can feel Robbe slightly shivering.
'Nothing' Robbe turns around on his lap so that they are facing each other.
'I don't like the sound of that. I swear if you guys are planning a stupid prank or something.'
Zoë's voice sounds actually threatening.
'I am not responsible. Maybe you should be checking on Milan. I think he has broken the table.'
Zoë murmurs something under a breath that sounds awfully like 'fucking idiots' before standing up and marching back inside.
A wave of pleasure runs through Sander's body when his boyfriend turns around on his lap so that they are facing each other.
Sander gently kisses his way from his Robbe's neck towards his lips that taste of alcohol.
'Hmm' Sander pulls slightly back to admire his boyfriend's beauty.
'Kiss me again' Robbe demands with his eyes closed and lips slightly parted.
Sander pressing lingering kisses against pretty much everything else he can reach. Robbe's jaw, his neck, his cheek, earlobe it's all fair game. His breath is curling against the skin just beneath his boyfriend's ear, who lets out a soft noise as Sander's hands are skating against the soft skin of his lovers' stomach, occasionally letting his hands slip underneath the fabric to touch the smooth skin.
Robbe curls his hands tightly in the brown hair strands.
'Sanderrr' the boy softly whispers, knowing his boyfriend is leaving marks.
'Something wrong, baby?'
'On the lips.'
Sander lifts his finger so that he can trace the upper of his boyfriend.
'Ohh, on the lips?'
Robbe nods slowly, eyes still closed while his cheeks have turned red.
'Right here?'
'Right there.'
A shiver runs down Sander's spine when their lips finally connect again.
It’s soft and gentle and a bit chaste and maybe there’s no fireworks or sparks, but it’s so good. It’s a wave of warmth that fills him up, spilling out from his heart and the warmth of Robbe's lips on his and rushing to every corner of his body, the cracks in between his toes, the crooks of his elbows, the tips of his ears. Every inch of him is overfilled with love.
He pulls back again.
'Have you ever told Zoë about the attack?' He blurts out of nowhere.
Robbe still has his eyes closed. 'What attack?'
'You know what attack.'
It takes a few seconds before Robbe realises what Sander is talking about. The atmosphere changes completely.
Robbe attempts to jump off Sander's lap. 'I am cold, let's go inside.'
'Have you ever told her?'
'Hmm?' Robbe raises his eyebrows. He suddenly doesn't look that relaxed anymore.
'Robbe.'
'Sander.'
'Did you tell her?'
Sander pulls his boyfriend back on his lap. He already knows the answer by the way Robbe is acting.
'Why are you asking me that?'
'Just curious. You two lived together back then. Surely she must have noticed something.'
'No, she didn't and we weren't talking to each other at all.'
'Okay,' Sander gives his boyfriend a quick peck.
'Let's go back inside then.'
He tries to stand up, but Robbe stops him.
'What is wrong?'
Robbe lowers his gaze.
'I didn't tell her.'
'Okay?'
'She saw the bruises and shit, but I lied to her.'
'Why?'
Sander tries to make eye contact, but his boyfriend keeps looking down.
'Why didn't you tell her?' The older boy repeats.
'I don't know. It is just that' Robbe sighs loudly, but doesn't continue to talk further.
'What is it?'
'Don't know, forget I said something about it.'
Robbe finally looks at Sander with a fake smile on his face.
'Robin.'
Sander leans forward so that their noses are brushing together.
'Tell me, angel.'
'I guess I was ashamed.'
Robbe's voice is so soft that he is barely audible over the sounds of the loud traffic.
'There is no need for you to be ashamed.'
The boy sighs while throwing his head back.
'It has been over a year and I still can't talk about it. What is wrong with me? I am that weak?'
The words haven't left the lips of the younger boy before Sander firmly cups the cheek of his boyfriend, making Robbe look him into the eyes.
'You are not weak.'
Robbe rolls his eyes and opens his mouth, but Sander cuts him off.
'I mean it, Robbe. Don't you dare to think about yourself like that!! You are the strongest person I know. What happened was horrible and maybe even traumatic. It is okay that you are not over it yet or that you still find it difficult to talk about.'
'I am sorry.'
Sander boops the nose of his boyfriend. 'You have nothing to be sorry for, except leaving me alone for so long.
A soft smile appears on Robbe's face.
'I love you.'
'I love you too, cutie. Let's go inside before your cute little butt freezes off.'
Robbe rolls his eyes, but slowly lifts himself up.
Sander has to blink twice after he enters the once nice living room.
He sees a very angry Zoë, a laughing Moyo and Jens, Aaron who is getting yelled at by Amber, Milan who is laying on the floor groaning in pain next to a broken table.
He shakes his head when he sees Robbe giggling next to him.
'Little monkey of me.'
'Monkey? That is a new one.'
'Hmm, I like it though.'
Sander kisses his boyfriend on the cheek. 'Shall we go before anyone notices us.'
Robbe is already pulling him towards the exit. 'Let's go home, baby.'
‘I am already home when I am with you.’