Work Text:
"Why dont you fucking care?! Why are you like this don't you understand that people shouldn't die like that!?" Kunikida snapped, yelling at his partner as he jerked out of his grasp.
Logically, Dazai had been right to pull him away, nothing would have been gained from him getting killed in the explosion as well. Even now his arm was bleeding from where a piece of shrapnel had hit him. But he was too angry to think logically or care about the pain.
The way his partner just watched, with a blank or maybe grim expression as people died confused him. Dazai just brushed death and violence off as if it were nothing, he didn't understand and it sometimes even made him angry.
Perhaps a bit too angry this time, he many have went to far judging by the flash of hurt that his partner quickly hid with a slight smile that didn't reach his eyes.
Dazai had sort of expected this sort of thing would happen at some point but that didn't mean it didn't hurt him. He already asked himself those questions all the time and hearing them from someone else, someone he cared about no less, was like being stabbed.
He hated it, constantly wondering if he could even claim to be a decent person much less a good one if he didn't care when people died. Well, he sort of cared, logically of course he cared but he didn't have any emotional reaction to casualties like Kunikida did. Did he even deserve to be able to feel sad about it, considering all the people he'd killed without a second thought in the past?
He got upset over not getting upset and it was ridiculous. He couldn't even be mad at his partner for snapping at him, he was only pointing out the truth after all. The mafia made him heartless and apparently nothing could fix that because he still couldn't truly care about strangers like Kunikida did.
His ability did truly fit him, No Longer Human, feeling made you human after all didnt it?
"I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the fact I was in the mafia for so long, you get used to violence and death there, we've always known I was fucked up Kunikida, I'm not like you" He spoke in a quiet voice with a sad smile. His brown eyes were almost red in the light of the setting sun, hauntingly beautiful and beginning to glitter with unshed tears.
Kunikida wished more than anything that he hadn't spoken. He didn't want to hurt Dazai, not really. He wasn't even mad at Dazai exactly, he was just frustrated and upset in general. He was upset with the reminder of the harsh reality they lived in, he hated that he felt useless because he couldn't save everyone. None of that was Dazais fault.
All the anger he felt was drained from him when he realized how he'd affected his partner, leaving only regret in its place. He knew that Dazai was only trying to protect him, really he did. When he was thinking logically he also knew that his partner was probably a bit more apathetic because of his background, who knew what he had to endure and be used to in the mafia.
Dazai was his friend and he really, really shouldn't have snapped at him like that.
"Dazai.... I'm sorry, I really didn't mean that" he says, somehow doubting it will help much. Dazai brushed things off and acted like everything was just fine all the time so now that he wasn't Kunikida knew he really messed up.
Dazai just sighed and shook his head, he suddenly didn't look like he was about to cry anymore, just sorta sad. He refused to cry over this, at least not around people, so perhaps he would tonight but not now. For now he just wanted to go back to the agency, the police and fire department could handle it from here. Kunikida needed to get his arm looked at as well, although he didn't seem to mind the injury.
"No, you're right anyway. Cmon, missions over, you need to have Yosano look at your arm." Dazai said in a finalizing tone. He didn't really want to talk about anything that just happened. Although knowing Kunikida, he'd probably have to. The idealist would feel too guilty if he wasn't allowed to try to fix things as best he could, he probably would still feel guilty even after that.
Dazai did at least manage to weasel out of further conversation until they'd gotten back to the agency and Kunikidas arm had been bandaged up. It was when they were the last two people in the office that he gave in and cooperated.
"Dazai" Kunikida began hesitantly, stubbornly wanting to talk things over but also trying to be as passive about it as he could. The last thing he wanted was to be agressive or snap again.
"You know, Kunikida, I've asked myself those same things more times than I care to count." Dazai says , looking up from the report he was supposed to be writing on the mission. His tone was calm, without a trace of bitterness or hostility. He couldn't bring himself to be made at Kunikida for snapping, he knew it was bound to happen eventually.
Ever since he was first paired with Kunikida it became blindingly obvious how apathetic he was in comparison. The man was so passionate about his ideals and caring for strangers seemed to be a pretty important one, at least from how he acted.
"I...didn't know and I shouldn't have said those things I was just... angry, but not really even at you but I snapped at you anyway and that was wrong of me." Kunikida apologized, he really hadn't guessed it was something that Dazai was so insecure about. In hindsight he probably should have, his partner was mysterious to an extent sure but he should know him well enough by now.
It definitely wasn't a far fetched thing for him to be insecure about, given his past. Of course anyone who'd come from a place like that would be worried they weren't a good enough person it made so much sense. Striking insecurities like that was a low blow Kunikida was definitely ashamed of.
"It's alright, I sorta expected this to happen at some point. I get why it upsets you that I don't really care. I mean logically I care, really I do I'm trying but emotionally I rarely have any reaction at all. I don't know how to fix that." Dazai admitted, trying to explain as best he could. He was definitely at least a bit ashamed and wouldn't quite meet his partners eyes.
He really did wish he had the emotional reactions he was supposed to, but he was trained to be a killer when he was young, so desensitized to death and violence. That was the most likely reason why it didn't affect him much now. Well, at least if it was someone he didn't know. He was pretty broken when Oda died.
"That doesn't make you a bad person Dazai." The blond replied. He couldn't truly understand what exactly Dazai meant because it was just so different from how he himself worked, but he did know one thing for certain and that was that Dazai really was a good person.
After all, Dazai had been the one to insist they took in Atsushi, not him. That was only one of the many ways his partner had proven himself to be a good person. Kunikida didn't know exactly what he'd done back in the mafia , how brutal he was or how many people he killed but that didn't matter now. All that mattered now was who Dazai had made himself to be in the present, not the past.
Dazai sort of just looked at Kunikida for a few long seconds before letting out a soft huff at the suggestion. He wasn't a good person, he tried but god he never had any hope of truly succeeding did he? As people used to say, it was like he was born to be in the mafia.
He saw similarities to Mori in himself constantly, he couldn't escape the fact he'd been trained to become Mori in a way. He was expected to take over the mafia one day and boy did he fit into that role right up until the day Oda died.
Forget being a good person, was he even human at all anymore?
"Sometimes I doubt I can call myself a person at this point. You don't know everything I've done, what I was like. I've taken so many lives, been desensitized to so many things, hell kunikida you've seen me react to getting shot like it was nothing more than a paper cut. Didn't that ever seem off or wrong to you? I don't... react to things like humans should."
Kunikida was stunned, and honestly worried. He'd never heard his partner sound this... defeated before. He could see what Dazai meant, he had found it a bit odd how unfazed the man always seemed to be. Well, when he wasn't clearly being dramatic at least.
But, that didn't really matter did it? Not everyone reacted to things the same way after all and it was understandable that he'd become a bit numb after all he must have endured in the mafia. He was being a lot harsher on himself than he deserved.
"There's no right way to react to things, it's not a rule, people are different and you're just as human as any of the rest of us. You're too hard on yourself Dazai, you've been through a lot." He replied, hoping that, for once, Dazai might listen to him.
Dazai looked almost confused for a second, it wasn't exactly what he said but the fact he was being unusually gentle with him that caught Dazai a bit off guard. Something about both of their demeanors had definitely changed with this conversation. Maybe, just maybe, Kunikida had a point.
He actually smiled faintly when he nodded, feeling oddly reassured by his friends words. Usually he'd brush off any comments on him being a good person or anything like that, but this was different somehow. Something about the blonds tone, or maybe his expression, made it hard to not let the words get through to him.
"Maybe you're right, I guess you'd know, you are my friend after all"