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Robert trudged from Keeper’s Cottage to the Mill on autopilot, barely taking notice of Seb’s babbling as he pulled out his keys and opened the front door.
“Never ends, this, does it?” Aaron called over his shoulder as they entered the living room, chucking teddy after teddy into Seb’s toy box.
“Seem to spend half my life clearing your stuff away, mister,” he grinned and took Seb from Robert. “When’re you gonna start picking up after yourself, eh?” Seb gurgled happily and grabbed Aaron’s beard.
Normally Robert would laugh at the sight of his two favourite people together, probably make some sort of joke about charging their son rent or teaching him to use the hoover, but he didn’t have it in him, not today. Aaron’s smile dimmed when he caught the look on Robert’s face.
“You alright?”
He shook his head wordlessly, mouth pressed together in a hard line.
Aaron came towards him, close enough that Seb was slightly squished between their chests, and laid a hand on Robert’s arm.
“Hey, what’s the matter?”
Robert braced himself for the impact.
“I think – I think we should let Seb go.”
Aaron blinked uncomprehendingly, hoisting Seb higher in his arms. “Go where?”
“Go with Rebecca. To Liverpool.”
There was a beat, then –
“Sorry, you what?”
“It might be for the best if – ”
“No, no way.” Aaron took a step back again, shaking his head and tightening his grip on Seb.
“Aaron – ”
“No, Robert.”
“I’m trying to do the right thing here, would you just listen to me for a minute? Please.”
At the quiver in Robert’s voice, Aaron’s incredulous glare softened by a fraction. He exhaled shakily and looked down at Seb, who shot him a gummy smile in return.
“He’s due a nap,” he said quietly. “Put the kettle on while I take him upstairs.”
*
They settled on the sofa facing each other, knees pressed together and each with a mug nestled in their hands.
“Okay, talk to me,” Aaron said and blew on his tea, open and patient in a way Robert never could have imagined him being a couple of years ago. “What’s brought this on?”
Robert floundered for a moment, unsure of where to start.
“Seeing Rebecca earlier… she’s so down, Aaron. Couldn’t stop crying the whole time we were there.”
“Well she has just been dumped, that’s probably to be expected. Though if she had any sense, she’d know that Ross Barton is no great loss.”
“It’s not just that, though, is it? Her staying here for Seb means she’s stuck somewhere she doesn’t want to be. Surrounded by memories of everything she’s lost, all she’s been through… she just wants a fresh start, to be happy. How can I keep stopping her? I just feel like we’re pressuring her into staying.”
“Ross was pressuring her into going!” Aaron snapped, before taking a breath and reigning himself in. Robert could see how hard he was trying to keep calm, to listen and understand what Robert was saying, and Robert adored him for it.
“Look,” Aaron said eventually. “I get that Rebecca’s been through a lot, I do. I know this year has been hell on her. But that’s a big part of why Seb should stay here with us; she’s not strong enough to cope with him, not full-time. She’s never looked after him on her own; even before the accident she had Chrissie and Lawrence helping her out. And it’s not just about her happiness, is it? It’s about Seb’s, too. That’s the most important thing.”
Robert nodded. Of course it was.
“And being in a strange place, away from his home, that’s not what’s best for him. With no family except his brain-damaged mum, who was held prisoner and nearly murdered by her own psychotic nephew barely a couple of months ago. Plus Ross, who isn’t exactly the paternal type, who we know can be unstable, or even dangerous on a bad day. And then what, some nanny – another random stranger who he won’t know? Who we won’t even know? And that’s it, he’ll be alone. He’ll wonder where we are, why we’ve left him.”
Something in Robert’s heart clenched painfully. That was the last thing he wanted; he’d rather die than make Seb think that he’d abandoned him, that he didn’t love him with everything he had.
“I wouldn’t – we’d still get to see him all the time,” he said, even as his resolve began to crumble. “I’d make sure we got plenty of access.”
“That’s too risky, Robert. Everything would be on their terms, and they could change them like that.” Aaron snapped his fingers. “I wouldn’t put it past either of them. And whatever we get, it won’t be enough, you know it won’t. Rebecca’s already agreed to stay, why rock the boat?”
“She’s agreed to stay for now. But she could change her mind one day, she probably will. What if we’re just delaying the inevitable? We might still have to fight for Seb when he’s older – old enough to know what's going on. And if we do, if things get nasty and it goes to court… ”
“The court that might decide he should stay with us.”
“They won’t, Bex said as much.”
“What? When?”
“She – when she was still planning to go with Ross and we were talking about mediation, she said she was more likely to get primary care than we are.”
“Oh, and she knows that for sure, does she?”
Robert hesitated, suddenly wishing he could take back that nugget of information.
“Rob, what?”
“She said… with you having convictions… ”
He saw the exact moment the realisation hit Aaron and the colour drained from his face.
“Oh. Nice of her,” he mumbled, leaning back against the sofa with a crestfallen expression. And just like that, some of Robert's old dislike towards Rebecca, which he normally kept buried for Seb's sake, came rushing to the surface.
“God, she’s not wrong, though, they would drag my record into it. GBH, assault, they’d think he wasn’t even safe with me.”
“Which would be total rubbish,” Robert rushed to reassure his husband, wrapping an arm over his shoulder and squeezing tightly. “You’re the best dad Seb could have.”
“The courts wouldn’t see it that way, would they?” Aaron said, eyes welling with frustrated tears. He scrubbed a hand across his face before gazing at Robert earnestly. “But you don’t even know it’ll come to that, Robert. You can’t give up based on a load of ifs and buts, on something that might never happen.”
Robert nodded slowly, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. “Yeah, I suppose… ”
“Is there something else?” Aaron asked, nudging him when he remained silent for a tad too long. “Oi, what’s goin’ on in that head of yours?”
“I just… ” Robert’s voice wobbled as he searched for the right words, tried to vocalise the darkest thoughts in his head. "I don’t want Seb to grow up thinking I kept him from her. My dad didn’t let me stay with my mum after they broke up, wouldn’t let me choose. He kept us apart and I hated him for it, what if – ”
“No, this isn’t like that.” Aaron set his mug down and grasped Robert’s hand tightly in his own. “Rob, you did everything in your power to find Rebecca when she was missing, all so that Seb didn’t have to grow up without his mum. For Christ’s sake, you nearly killed yourself over it – nearly gave me a heart attack in the process as well, you idiot.”
“Sorry. Again.”
“S’okay. Just don’t do it again or I’ll kill you myself,” Aaron warned with a tiny smile that Robert couldn’t help returning.
“Yes, boss.”
“But it just goes to show what you’d do for him. You talk about me, but you’re the one who's an incredible dad, Rob, Seb’s so lucky to have you. And that’s why I know this is the best place for him, at home with you. With me. And the rest of his family.”
Robert didn’t reply, not really trusting himself to speak around the heavy lump in his throat. They sat in silence for a few moments, fingers stroking back and forth softly.
“So?” Aaron asked eventually. “We’re agreed, he’s staying?”
“Yeah. Yeah you’re right, he belongs here. M'sorry, I just… I’m trying not to be selfish about this.”
“It’s okay to be selfish about this. It’s okay to want to keep him here.”
“Then why do I feel so guilty?”
“Because you’re a good person. Despite what you’d have everyone believe,” Aaron smiled fondly and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I know you, Sugden.”
“Sugden-Dingle to you.”
*
Early the next morning, they were surprised by rapid knocking at the door.
“Who the hell’s come over at this time?” Aaron frowned as he fed Seb another mouthful of porridge.
Robert shrugged and went to open it, finding Rebecca stood in their doorway.
“What’re you doing here? Bit early for a visit, isn’t it?”
She shot him a nervous smile and entered the flat, fiddling with her handbag. “I’m – I’m here to say goodbye. I’m going to Liverpool. Today.”
Robert heard a sharp intake of breath behind him and spun around to look at Aaron, a hint of panic in both their eyes.
“You’ve changed your mind? Again?” Robert turned back to Rebecca, shaking his head rapidly. “Bex, you said you wouldn’t take him from us – ”
“I’m not!” she cried, holding her hands up in defence. “I said he was lucky to have both of you, and I meant it. He needs to stay, I get that. But I’ve slept on it and – and I’ve realised that I can’t. I need a fresh start, and Ross is my best shot at that.”
There was a long silence, only broken by the sound of Seb banging his little plastic spoon on the high chair.
“So you’re leaving? Now?”
“My car’s all packed up.”
“And Seb… ” Aaron stood and approached her tentatively. “Stays here?”
Rebecca nodded, even as her eyes swam with tears, mascara already starting to run.
“This is… the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but I can’t take him away from his home, from everything he knows. It wouldn’t be fair on him. I’d want visitation rights, of course, weekends and holidays and – ”
“Yeah, of course,” Robert was quick to assure her, heart pounding. “If you’re sure this is what you want, then we can figure all that out, I promise.”
“Okay. Good. Can I have five minutes with him?”
Robert sat in the kitchen with Aaron as they watched Rebecca curl up with Seb on the sofa, holding him tightly and whispering words they couldn’t hear. Eventually, she stood and gave him one final kiss on the head before handing him back to Robert.
“You be a good boy, okay?” She smiled at Seb through her tears, squeezing his hand lightly. “Mummy loves you so much, I’ll have your room all ready for when you come to stay.”
“Good luck, Bex,” Robert said, bouncing Seb on his hip. “I hope Liverpool is – yeah.”
“Thank you,” she sighed, picking up her handbag. “Right, if I don’t go now, I never will. And Ross is expecting me. Goodbye, both of you.”
She gave them a watery smile, before taking her leave. Aaron closed the door behind her, before turning slowly and leaning against it, staring at Robert in shock.
“Well… ” Robert slumped down on arm of the sofa, Seb in his lap. “That’s that.”
*
“You know,” Aaron mused when he came into their room that night. “I think Mr Giraffe is about to steal Teddy’s top spot as favourite toy. Seb stopped crying as soon as I put it in the cot with him.”
“Poor Teddy, cast aside just like that,” Robert smiled and set his book down on the bedside table. “His lordship okay?”
“Yeah.” Aaron pulled back the covers and slid in next to him. “I think he just wanted some cuddles.”
“I can relate,” Robert said, reaching out and pulling him towards the middle of the bed.
Aaron snorted. “Wow, smooth.” But he wrapped his arms around Robert’s shoulders and tangled their legs together, so Robert counted it as a win.
“Speaking of giraffes, I was thinking we could maybe take Seb to the zoo for a birthday treat,” Aaron said a few minutes later, running a hand through the short hairs on the back of Robert's neck absently. “He was only little the last time we went, now he’ll be old enough to properly look at the animals. I reckon he’d love it.”
Robert stared up at him, felt his stomach do a small somersault as he came to a sudden realisation.
“Oi,” Aaron nudged him when he didn’t answer. “You listenin’?”
“Sorry, yeah. The zoo sounds great.”
Aaron disentangled them to prop himself on his elbow, looking down at Robert with raised eyebrows.
“Okay, what’s up?”
“What?"
“I can hear your mind whirring like a hamster wheel over there.”
“Just thinking.”
“Dangerous, that.”
“Cheeky.” Robert dug a hand into Aaron’s ribs, making him squirm with laughter.
“Stop, stop it!” He caught Robert’s hand and pinned it to the bed “Come on, what’re you thinking about, then?”
“Yesterday, when I was – when I had a wobble… ”
“Yeah?”
“Not just then, but when Rebecca was missing. And after the car crash, too. I’ve always been… so afraid of Seb not having his mum around because I know how much I needed mine. Sarah, I mean.”
There was something depressing about having to clarify which deceased mother he was referring to, but Robert didn’t dwell on that now.
“That’s part of the reason why yesterday I thought... maybe he’d be better off with her.”
He hesitated at the hint of sadness in Aaron's eyes, choosing his next words carefully.
“But the thing is… Sarah wasn’t my biological mum, was she? She wasn't there from the start, it was just me and dad until she came along. But that didn’t make her any less important to me, didn’t mean we loved each other any less. When I was little and kids at school would pick on me for not having a mum, I didn’t really care. Why would I? The way I saw it, if I still had a mum – my birth mum – then I wouldn’t have Sarah, and I wouldn’t have given her up for anything.”
Robert could tell by the look on Aaron’s face that he was taken aback by the words, and he didn’t blame him. It was the most he’d said about Sarah in a long time; he hardly ever talked about her like this, not even with Aaron.
But lying in their room at night with the door shut, nestled under the covers and the shadows, always made him feel safe, like he could say anything that was on his mind. And after what they’d been through over the last few days, he needed to say this, needed to make Aaron understand.
“She always said that she chose me, we chose each other, and that meant that what we had was special.”
His voice cracked on the last word and Aaron’s hand shot out to cup his jaw, thumb stroking back and forth over his cheekbone. But he pressed on, a small smile creeping across his face despite the pain that always came with thinking about his mum for too long.
“And today it really hit me, that’s… that’s what Seb has with you. You chose to be his dad when you didn’t have to, and I’m pretty sure he chose you the second you held him for the first time at the scrapyard. You’re his Sarah, and that’s the one thing I’d never want him to lose.”
Aaron’s thumb froze at that, cheeks bright red as he stared at Robert with wide eyes.
“Rob, I… ”
“Sorry, I know this is kind of heavy to dump on you, I just – ”
He was interrupted by Aaron pressing a bruising kiss to his lips, and he let himself get lost in it, arms coming up to loop around Aaron’s neck as he kissed back with everything had.
“You don’t half catch me off-guard sometimes, you know that?” Aaron whispered when he eventually pulled away, hands running up and down Robert’s sides.
“I like to keep you on your toes,” Robert croaked back.
Aaron huffed a laugh, and pecked Robert’s bottom lip once more.
“Of course I choose him,” he said, eyes shining in the low light. “Why d'you think I fought so hard to keep him here? I love the bones of him, of both of you.”
“I love you, too.”
“And I think we're gonna be pretty damn good at this whole parenting thing.”
Robert grinned and pulled Aaron back down. “We're gonna be amazing.”