Work Text:
Her eyes shouldn’t linger the way they do, but April can’t help herself. It was nearly everyday that she had to wrestle her eyes away from Sterling’s form, her true feelings masked by faux hatred.
She did what she could to get closer to God and, in turn, drive the wedge between her and Sterling, but it felt like wasted effort. In turn, she became the worst kind of Christian— quick to prove her worthiness to others, showing off just how good she was to anyone that would listen. She was quick to market herself as a bigot, showing how good she was by pointing out the flaws in others. Maybe that was why she grabbed that condom wrapper, willing even to exploit her crush to get ahead.
April really didn’t want to be the Fellowship Leader, however it felt like a necessity. Maybe if she could pretend hard enough, the lie would become true. The lie that she was perfect, with a perfect life and a perfect family. It had been one of her longest lasting prayers, starting from the ripe age of 8 years old.
It had the opposite effect.
She knew deep down that she couldn’t change, so she stopped fighting. April resigned herself to the fact that this is what God intended, and who was she to deny His wishes?
It would be too dangerous to come out in high school— she had read the news reports of the various teens that had committed suicide due to bullying from peers when they came out. She could wait until college! Scratch that, she would have to wait until college. April saw how her peers reacted to Sterling and Luke having had intercourse, and they were a straight, long term couple! This would be too much for their neanderthal brains to handle.
Her dad ending up in jail felt like a weight off of her shoulders— he was one less person she had to disappoint in order to be true to herself. April spent a lot of time thanking God for small mercies, though it had taken a bit for her to come to terms that her father was a woman beater. She was so thankful that she had never been around to see him snap like that, but it still hurt so bad. April’s image of her father had been shattered in a weekend, the pedestal she held him on crumbled around her feet.
The debate had been a farce. Ad Hominem was often the quickest way to win around here and it sucked to see that her tactics weren’t so uncommon. Craig Wu would definitely have a career in politics someday.
With that, he project felt like a kick in the face— like God was laughing at her up in heaven. Her friends had teamed up without her knowing and her partner was to be Sterling. Sterling seemed nervous to be talking to her. April supposed she couldn’t blame her— April was a social pariah, her father the worst kind of human.
Still, maybe this could be good. Maybe she and Sterling could get closer, like they had been in elementary school. April laughed bitterly. Even wishful thinking has its limits. Sterling traded her off then and it would happen again if April gave her the chance. There was no way they could be friends. Especially not with the way April felt about Sterling.
There was one small victory with working with Sterling on this project— she, too, was an overachiever. However, this meant long hours in Mr. Wesley’s woodshop watching Sterling work. With sawdust flying around and paint coating her fingers, this was messy in more ways than one. April didn’t do messy though, so she shut down— attempting to appear as cold as possible. Think icy thoughts.
It wasn’t easy with Sterling consent attempts at conversation and, after some time, April could admit that she was having fun. They were a good team, like Ruth and Naomi. It still felt like Sterling was fucking with her though— why else would she bring up their sexualities? Was there a rumor that she was gay?
She was probably reading into this too much. It was simple conversation, nothing crazy. There was no way Sterling knew. Not a chance.
They got an A+, as expected. April would accept no less, and she knew that Sterling felt the same way. The recognition they got for their hard work was a pleasant surprise, a win after a month of losses. April was equally pleased that Mrs. Johnson decided that it was good enough to be displayed for the parent-teacher conferences. She would be high on this feeling for a while.
The mood switched in a split second. Mrs. Johnson let them put Solomon’s Temple in her office, then was whisked away to something or another. April wasn’t sure who started the fight, she just knew that it hurt and she lashed out. She and Sterling had gotten too close and it wasn’t good for her mental health. April felt like a cornered animal. Words just kept coming out of her mouth and she couldn’t help it. It seems that she wasn’t the only one fighting her emotions.
Sterling kissed her. Really kissed her.
April froze before turning on her heel, ready to run out the door. Never once had she considered that Sterling would have feelings for her ! That thought alone made her stop, right before she could rip the doors open, hands falling to her sides before she did the unthinkable.
She locked the door.