Work Text:
“Okay, we’ll go pick up the booze and pizza, and we’ll meet you back at the dorm in 20,” said Dan. “Happy Friday!” She, Matt, Renee, and Allison filed out of the locker room, most of the new recruits behind them. Neil and his group were the last to gather their things and head out. The Foxes had gotten through their second full week of summer practice with everyone back on campus, and it had gone surprisingly well. Even better, as far as most of the team was concerned, Wymack was going to be out of town for a conference the following week, so there were no scheduled practices and the team had been given firm instructions to treat the week like a holiday. The team had plans to meet up in the basement study room for a sort of getting-to-know-you party to celebrate the good start to the season.
Neil felt a tap on his shoulder as they got close to the door. “Hey Neil, can we talk for a minute?” Casey, one of the new recruits, was standing slightly behind him, looking slightly nervous.
Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron kept walking, but Andrew had paused in the doorway, holding it open and looking back at Neil. He gave Andrew a quick nod. “See you at the car.” Andrew shrugged and walked out, letting the door close behind him. Neil turned to Casey. “Sure, what’s going on?”
She bit her lip. “I just . . . Do you think it’s worth it?”
Neil stared at her blankly. “Do I think what’s worth it?”
Casey stared at the ground, refusing to meet Neil’s eye. “Me staying on the team. I’m just bringing everyone down. Kevin spent half of practice yelling at me today. I’m wasting everyone’s time.”
“Do you want to play?” Neil asked.
Casey blinked in surprise. “Yes, of course.”
“Are you willing to keep working?”
She nodded emphatically. “Yes, but – I’ve been working as hard as I can, and I’m just not improving fast enough. What if I can’t get where I need to be?”
“You’ll get there,” said Neil. “And it’s good that Kevin yells at you. He wouldn’t bother if he didn’t think you had potential.”
Casey sighed. “Thanks, Neil. Hopefully I’ll get there before the season starts.”
“We’ll keep working. Are you going anywhere for the break, or will you be around campus?”
“Staying,” she said immediately and firmly. “I’m . . . I’m staying.”
Neil didn’t press. Casey had joined them on campus in June, right after her high school graduation. He still didn’t know why Wymak had invited her to come to campus early or why she’d accepted, but he figured she’d tell them more when she was ready. He certainly wasn’t in a position to question someone for keeping secrets about their personal life. “Cool. We’ll be around, too. Let me know if you want to meet up and run through some drills.”
Casey’s eyes lit up. “Yeah, I will. Thank you!”
“Good. See you back at the dorms.” Neil gave her a smile, and they walked out of the locker room and into the parking lot. He wasn’t sure why his opinion had mattered so much to Casey – she could just as easily have asked Dan to stay back and offer words of encouragement – but he was happy he’d been able to help. It felt good. Before the Foxes, he hadn’t stayed in one place long enough to get seniority and be the kind of person new teammates looked up to. Neil thought the responsibility and permanency should feel constraining, but instead, they wrapped around him like a warm blanket.
He had gotten a few steps away from Casey, toward Andrew and the others across the parking lot, when he realized Casey had frozen behind him. He looked back at her and followed her wide-eyed stare back towards her car, parked in the closest corner. A man was leaned against the hood of her car, arms folded, staring back at Casey. “Is that your new boyfriend?” he said with a sneer.
“Brad,” she said stiffly, still frozen just outside the door. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to collect what’s mine,” he said.
Casey was backing away, shaking her head and looking on the verge of panic. “No – please –”
Neil kept his eyes on the man – Brad – who was now advancing on Casey and reaching for something in his waistband. A gun. Casey was still frozen, and no one else was close enough to do anything. Brad had pulled the gun out and was pointing it at Casey.
“NO!” someone yelled. Maybe it was Neil, as he charged Brad. Maybe it was Andrew, who he saw sprinting across the parking lot towards him. But he didn’t have time to think about it, because the gun went off and Neil felt a white-hot pain in his chest, knocking him backwards. His head hit the pavement, and he had just enough time to think Andrew’s going to kill me before everything went mercifully dark.
***
When Neil woke up, he was in a too-bright room surrounded by beeping and wires. He tried to sit up but was stopped by the sharp pain under his right shoulder that blossomed out across his torso. The room began to spin slightly and he closed his eyes again.
“Take it easy, kid.” Neil cracked an eye open again and turned his head towards the voice. Wymack was sitting in a chair at his bedside, arms folded and looking at him with a mix of relief and exasperation.
“Is everyone – where – did they –” he tried to prioritize his thoughts, but there were too many of them, and his head was still spinning at a nauseating pace. Fortunately, Wymack got the drift and began filling in the gaps.
“The rest of the team is okay. The police got the shooter – Casey’s ex. I’m not sure exactly what Andrew did to him, but by the time the cops got there, the guy looked like he was scared to breathe without Andrew’s permission.”
Neil’s stomach twisted. With Andrew’s record – and his knives – there was no way the cops had looked favorably upon whatever he’d done to subdue Casey’s ex. “Did they arrest him?”
Wymack misunderstood. “Yeah, I told you, they got the shooter – I expect you’ll end up having to testify at another trial, but at least this one will be a little less personal for you,” he said with a sympathetic grimace.
“No – Andrew. Did they take him away? Is that why he’s not here?”
“Andrew’s fine,” said Wymack. “I don’t know what happened before the cops and I got there – and I don’t want to know – but by the time he had an audience, he was on his best behavior.”
Neil breathed a little easier. “Where is he?”
“Out in the waiting room. They wouldn’t let him back – ‘family only’ and all. Things were getting pretty tense between the team and the nursing staff before I caught up and they started giving us some info on your condition.” Wymack paused at Neil’s confused expression. “Your paperwork with Palmetto State lists me as your medical contact, so they can tell me stuff without risking HIPAA violations.”
Neil bristled at the bureaucracy of it all. He and the rest of the Foxes knew better than most that chosen family meant more than blood. It was absurdly unfair that Andrew and the others had been shut out because of a lack of paperwork. At least they’d let his coach in.
Wymack was staring at him, looking as if he was waiting for something. Neil stared back at him blankly. “Aren’t you going to ask about your condition?”
“Oh,” said Neil. “Uh, well, I got shot, right?”
Wymack rolled his eyes. “I will never get over how casually you respond to this kind of stuff. Yes, you got shot. You were in surgery for a few hours while they patched you up and removed the bullet. Luckily, it didn’t hit anything important. The surgery went well, and they aren’t expecting any complications in recovery. You also hit your head pretty bad on the pavement – you’ve got a concussion.”
Neil took a breath. “How long until –”
“You aren’t allowed to touch a racket for at least a week,” said Wymack firmly. “Take this break off, and then Abby will evaluate whether you’re ready to come back or not.”
“I’m fine,” said Neil. He tried to sit up again but stopped abruptly, clamping his mouth shut to hide the hiss of pain.
“Sure you are,” Wymack sighed. “Anyway, it’s Saturday morning now. The doctors said you’d probably be cleared for release after they come by on morning rounds. You want me to stick around?”
If it was already Saturday morning, that meant – “You were here all night?” asked Neil.
“You’ve got to stop acting surprised when people care about you.” Wymack sighed again. “Most of the team went home around midnight. We’d just gotten our first update on your surgery, so they could feel reasonably sure you’d be okay, but they knew it would be a while before there was any real news. Casey stayed until about three, when Renee finally convinced her to go home. Allison came back and picked her up; the team isn’t letting Casey out of their sights. Renee and Andrew are still in the waiting room – or at least, they were when I came back here to wait for you to wake up. I’d assume they’re still there – I don’t think Andrew’s moved or spoken in about six hours.”
“Is he mad at me?”
“Above my paygrade,” said Wymack. “I just know he hasn’t left the hospital waiting room since you got here.”
Neil nodded. “Thank you.”
“So, should I stay and wait for the doctors with you, or do you want me out?”
Neil hesitated. “Stay?” He realized he didn’t have his cellphone. “And could you let the others know I’m okay?”
Wymack nodded. “I texted them as soon as you started waking up. Based on the way my phone’s been blowing up, I’m assuming they’ve all gotten the message and are thrilled about it.”
Neil smiled a little at the warm feeling spreading through his core. He didn’t know if he’d ever get used to it, but it was nice to have people who gave a damn whether he lived or died.
Before too much longer, the doctors came by and cleared him for release. Wymack gave him privacy to change back into street clothes, including a new shirt. He wasn’t sure exactly where the shirt had come from, but seeing as his old one now had bloodstains and a bullet hole, he decided to just be grateful. He struggled a little to get the shirt over his head, but whoever had gotten it picked a loose one, so he was able to do it without too much trouble.
Once Neil was dressed, he signed the final paperwork with the nurse and headed towards the door. He glanced around to see if Wymack was in the hall outside his room, but he wasn’t concerned when he didn’t see him. The coach must’ve gone back out to tell them he was on his way.
Neil pushed through the door into the waiting room, scanning the crowd for familiar faces. He finally spotted Andrew, sitting between Renee and Wymack, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his gaze trained on the floor.
It was as if Andrew could sense his presence from across the room. As soon as Neil spotted him, he sat up straight and locked eyes with him. They stared at each other for a second, and then Andrew got up and crossed the room faster than should’ve been possible. Andrew grabbed his chin with one hand, looking at his face intently before using his other hand to gently inspect and prod Neil’s chest through his shirt. His touch was light, but Neil still winced when his fingers pressed against the bandages covering his bullet wound. Andrew pulled his hand back with a frown.
“I’m fine,” said Neil.
Andrew just glared at him before turning away. Instead of walking back to Renee and Wymack, he headed straight for the door. Neil looked at them, then shrugged apologetically and followed Andrew. They got up and walked towards the door, too, getting there at about the same time as Neil. Renee stopped him to give him a quick hug. “We’re so glad you’re okay, Neil.”
Neil nodded. “Thank you for staying with Andrew.”
“Of course. He needed me, so I was there,” said Renee. Neil was struck by the simplicity of her statement. He’d never really understood Renee, but he found himself appreciating her more by the day.
“All right, I’m heading home,” said Wymack. “Neil, take the week off – enjoy the break somewhere other than the court. If I hear you’ve been practicing, you’re benched until October.”
Neil knew better than to take the threat seriously, but he still cringed a little at the thought. “Yes, Coach.”
“And Neil?” Wymack paused until he was sure he had Neil’s full attention. “Try to let people take care of you sometimes.”
“Yes, Coach.”
Renee lightly touched his back and guided him towards Andrew’s car. Andrew was leaned against the driver’s door, waiting for them. He climbed in when they got close, and he didn’t look at either of them as Renee helped Neil into the passenger seat and then climbed into the backseat behind him.
Andrew backed out of the parking spot and hit the road, pulling onto the interstate. Neil watched him, focusing on his face as the trees flashed by out the window. Andrew was staring straight ahead, his expression flat.
“Andrew, I –”
“No.”
Neil bit his lips together so hard it hurt, but he didn’t say anything else. Andrew’s expression didn’t change. Neil looked away. Renee reached over the seat and gave his left shoulder a comforting squeeze, but she didn’t say anything. Neil leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes, settling in for a silent ride back to campus.
Neil wasn’t sure exactly how many exits the hospital was from campus, but after a while, it felt like they had been traveling down the interstate longer than they should’ve been. He opened his eyes and looked out the window to orient himself. Reading the approaching exit sign, he realized they had passed campus at least three exits ago. “Where are we going?”
Andrew gave no indication that he planned to answer, so Renee eventually spoke up. “We thought it would be good to get away for a few days, so Allison got a cabin for the three of us.”
Neil didn’t know what to say to this, so he settled on something obvious. “I didn’t pack anything.”
“Nicky packed bags for you and Andrew, and Allison packed for me – she brought them by the hospital when she picked Casey up,” Renee said.
“Oh. Uh, that works,” said Neil, acting as if he had a say in the matter.
No, that wasn’t fair. He knew that if he told Andrew he wanted to go back to the dorms, he would’ve turned the car around and brought them back without hesitation. But he also knew that if he did that, it would probably take even longer for Andrew to start speaking to him again. He wasn’t used to this silent treatment, and he didn’t like it. If anything, he wanted to figure out a way to speed the process up, but he couldn’t think of anything he could do – at least not while Andrew was driving and Renee was in the backseat – so he just settled back into his seat and looked out the window.
After about an hour, Andrew exited the interstate. Neil tried to follow the series of turns he took bringing them deeper into the woods, but his head had started swimming a little again – presumably an aftereffect of the concussion, he thought with mild annoyance – and he eventually gave up. Finally, they pulled up in front of the main cabin. Andrew turned around and looked at Renee expectantly.
“I’ll check in and get our keys,” she said, hopping out of the backseat. Andrew put his hands back on the steering wheel, looking bored and waiting for Renee to come back. Neil turned sideways in his seat, wincing at the increased pressure the seatbelt put on his shoulder at that angle but determined to remain fully focused on Andrew until he got his attention. Andrew refused to give him so much as a glance. He didn’t even look when Renee got back in the car, jingling three sets of keys and directing them to Cabin 14.
After a few more minutes winding through the woods, they stopped in front of a cabin marked with a large “14” over the porch. Andrew and Renee hopped out, and Renee went to Neil to help him get out. He gripped her arm a little harder than he’d meant to as he stepped out, his entire right side aching. She acted like she didn’t notice and smiled at him.
Andrew handed Renee her bag and then picked up both Neil’s and his own.
“I can carry it,” Neil insisted. Andrew ignored him and kept walking up the steps to the cabin door, which Renee was unlocking.
“According to Allison, we’ve got two bedrooms with queen-sized beds,” Renee told them as she opened the door, “plus kitchen, living room, and a deck overlooking the lake.”
“Sounds nice,” said Neil.
“Yeah, it does,” said Renee. Neil was happy to hear her cheerful response, if only to confirm he hadn’t mysteriously gone mute without realizing.
Andrew was bringing their bags into the bedroom on the left, so Renee took hers to the right. Neil stood in the entryway for a moment before following Andrew to the left. Andrew dropped the bags against the wall by the head of the bed then turned back to the doorway, where Neil was standing. He looked momentarily surprised to see him there, but then his face went blank again, and he brushed past Neil without looking at him. Frustrated, Neil took a few quick strides to get back in front of Andrew, ignoring the swimming in his head and the throbbing under his shoulder. “Hey.”
“150 percent,” said Andrew. His eyes were dark, burning with an intensity that made Neil want to take a step back, but he held his ground.
“Fine, just talk to me.”
Andrew’s arms were shaking at his sides, hands balled into fists. The last time he’d seen Andrew trying this hard not to hit him was after Baltimore. Neil felt something resembling guilt bubble up as the similarities between the two situations washed over him, but he swallowed it down and took a small step towards Andrew. He tentatively reached his left hand towards Andrew’s head, stopping just shy of his hair and waiting. Andrew reached up and grabbed his wrist, wrenching it back down to his side. The rejection stung, but Andrew didn’t let go of his wrist, and he didn’t push him away, so Neil counted it as a small victory.
Something over Neil’s shoulder caught Andrew’s attention, and he loosened his grip on Neil’s wrist. Renee must’ve come back out of her room. Neil couldn’t decide if the timing of the interruption was good or bad.
“I’m going for a walk,” Andrew said to Renee. “Make sure our resident martyr doesn’t try to trade his life for a squirrel while I’m gone.”
“I’ll take care of him,” she said. Andrew stared at her intently. Neil assumed Renee was staring right back, but he didn’t take his eyes off Andrew to check. Andrew must have been satisfied by what he saw, though, because he nodded and let go of Neil’s wrist, brushing his hand against Neil’s as he released him into Renee’s care. Without another word, Andrew walked out the front door.
With nothing else to do, Neil turned around and looked at Renee. She smiled at him again, and Neil couldn’t tell whether he found it comforting or unsettling. “Do you want to sit in the living room or on the deck?”
“The deck,” said Neil, grateful for the simplicity of the decision. It gave him some semblance of control.
Renee stopped by the fridge on the way out, which had apparently been stocked for them. She grabbed two bottles of iced tea and brought them out to the wooden table near the center of the deck. She sat in one of the wide wooden chairs, curling her feet under her, and Neil sat next to her so they were both angled towards the lake. They sat in comfortable silence for a while, and Neil tried to let the nature sounds wash over him and quiet his mind, but his thoughts kept going back to Andrew.
“Do you think he’s ever going to speak to me again?” he asked Renee.
“Andrew? Of course,” said Renee. She reached over and put her hand on his. “You know he’s acting like this because he cares about you.”
“He hates me,” said Neil. “He always hates me.”
“Maybe so,” said Renee carefully, “but he also cares about you very much.” She paused. “And you know things have not gone particularly well for him in the past when he’s cared about people.”
That shut Neil up, hitting him like a punch to the gut. “Fuck,” he whispered.
“Mhmm, that about covers it,” Renee agreed.
“Thank you again for being there for him while I was . . .”
“In the hospital, undergoing surgery for a gunshot wound?” Renee finished his sentence.
“Yeah, that.”
“It was important that he not be alone,” she said.
Neil nodded emphatically. Andrew’s potential for self-destruction scared him more than anything else; he didn’t have words for how grateful he was for Renee’s calming presence at Andrew’s side last night and through the morning.
Neil’s thoughts spiraled, and his gratitude dropped into a pit of dread. “We need to go after him,” he said, standing up. His head started to spin again, and he clutched the table for support.
“Sit back down,” Renee instructed firmly, pulling lightly on his forearm.
Neil tried to shake her off but was unsuccessful. Renee tugged more firmly. He tried to resist, but the strain under his bandages finally combined with the swimming in his head to force him back into the chair. “Fine, I’ll stay, you go,” he said urgently.
“Andrew asked me to stay here,” she said, as if that settled it.
Neil nearly growled with frustration. “If you’re here watching me, he’s alone,” he said.
“And that’s okay, because he knows you’re safe with me,” said Renee.
Neil shook his head. “Why does that matter? I was fine last night, too, and you just agreed it was important that you were there with him.”
“You weren’t with someone he trusted. Not until Wymack was allowed back after your surgery. And, Neil, I don’t think you were as fine as you think you were,” she added gently. Neil bit back the denial from his tongue. Renee continued before he could think of a better argument. “Besides, he gave me his knives last night, to hold onto. He hasn’t asked for them back yet.”
Neil felt himself relax a little. “You could’ve led with that.”
“Yes, but I thought it was important to explain why I’m not worried, so maybe you could be less worried, too.”
Neil didn’t have a response to that. He was still worried about Andrew. He was feeling increasingly untethered without him. But Renee’s presence was helping, and he hoped she could help fill in some of the remaining gaps in his memory before Andrew got back. “How did you find out what happened? Last night, I mean. You had already left with Matt and Dan and Allison.”
Renee nodded. “Nicky called me. You were all still in the parking lot – I think the paramedics were putting you in the ambulance. We ended up beating you to the hospital. We saw them roll you past on a gurney on the way back to surgery. Andrew and the others came in right after they took you back. Wymack showed up a little bit later. I imagine he broke fewer traffic laws following the ambulance than Andrew did.”
“Yeah, probably,” Neil snorted. “Who all came to the hospital?”
“Matt drove me, Dan, and Allison. Everyone who’d been in the parking lot with you – Kevin, Nicky, Aaron, Casey – rode over with Andrew.”
“Is Casey okay?” In the midst of everything else, he’d almost forgotten about her, but she was the one whose past had caught up with her yesterday. He remembered the feeling, and he hoped the freshman was getting the support she needed.
“She’s as good as can be expected. Allison is keeping an eye on her. They’re having a spa day today,” Renee said with a smile. A shadow crossed her face. “She told us a little bit about Brad Shannon, the shooter. Basically, he’s her abusive ex, and she’s been trying to leave him for over a year. She didn’t think he’d follow her all the way out here – she’s from Oregon – but he tracked her down. She’s sure he would have killed her.”
“Well, then, it’s a good thing we were there to stop him,” said Neil.
Renee looked at him with something between amusement and pity, but she didn’t comment on Neil’s statement. “Andrew didn’t want to hear anything about it,” said Renee. “Nicky told Allison that he almost didn’t let Casey in the car to ride over to the hospital with them. Kevin had to convince him.”
“How did he manage that?” asked Neil. Kevin – and everyone besides himself and Renee, for that matter – was rarely able to convince Andrew to do anything.
“According to Nicky, he told Andrew to think about what you would want him to do.”
“And that worked?” asked Neil incredulously.
“You have a very strong effect on him,” said Renee.
Neil filed that away to think about later. His head was starting to swim again, and he wanted to be at least semi-coherent when Andrew got back. He changed the subject slightly. “I’m sorry I ruined everyone’s Friday night plans.”
Renee brushed him off. “Of course, we’d all prefer it if you hadn’t gotten shot, but you’re hardly the one who ruined our plans. I think we can lay that fully at the feet of Brad Shannon.”
Neil still felt like he was at least partially responsible, but he didn’t have the energy to argue. He stifled a yawn.
“Let’s go inside,” Renee suggested. “Do you want to take a nap? I don’t think being unconscious and under anesthesia really counts as sleep.”
Neil shook his head. “Did you and Andrew sleep at all?”
“No,” she reluctantly admitted, giving into a small yawn of her own. “But I can stay awake a while longer, at least until Andrew gets back.”
“So can I,” said Neil stubbornly.
“Okay,” said Renee. “Let’s go in and sit on the couch, though. It looks a lot softer than these wooden chairs.”
Part of Neil wanted to stay on the deck chairs precisely for that reason – it would be easier for him to stay awake if he couldn’t get totally comfortable. But Renee had already spent the entire night uncomfortable for his sake, so he found himself following her to the fluffy sofa in the living room where, despite his best efforts, he slipped in and out of consciousness until he was startled awake by the front door of the cabin opening.
Andrew looked at Neil first, as if to confirm Renee had kept her promise. Apparently satisfied, he then looked to Renee, who smiled back at him. She had a book in her hands and did not appear to have slept at all while Neil had dozed. Looking between Andrew and Renee, Neil realized how visibly exhausted the two of them were.
Andrew seemed to have the same thought. “I think now would be a good time for a nap.” He was still looking at Renee when he said it, but once she nodded and stood up to go to her own room, he held a hand out to Neil. “Come on.”
Neil let Andrew pull him off the sofa and towards the bedroom. Once they were across the threshold, Andrew dropped his hand and closed the door behind them. Neil stopped and watched him, waiting to follow his lead.
“Sure, now you wait,” said Andrew, rolling his eyes and walking over to the bed. He took off his shoes and climbed onto the side of the bed closest to the wall. “Do you need anything?” He stared at Neil’s chest. “How often are you supposed to change your bandages?”
“Uh, I’m not really sure,” said Neil, realizing he hadn’t absorbed a single one of the instructions he had assured the doctor he was paying attention to that morning. He didn’t even think he’d grabbed any prescriptions or supplies – had anyone tried to give him any? “Whenever, I guess.”
“Could you at least pretend to care about yourself a little bit, for me?” said Andrew, looking exasperated. He leaned over the side of the bed and reached into his bag, pulling out a small medical kit. He kneeled on the bed, waiting for Neil to join him. Neil didn’t think he’d be able to put any weight on his right arm, and he didn’t want Andrew to see him try and fail. He ended up awkwardly scooting across the bed until he was sitting in front of Andrew, who was watching him critically. Andrew tugged at the bottom of his shirt, pausing to wait for Neil’s quick nod before gently pulling it off over his head. He took a moment to observe the way the bandages were taped across his chest before picking a corner and pulling them off, tossing the discarded gauze and tape to the floor.
As Andrew looked at what would soon be new scars crossing his body, Neil realized he didn’t know what the wound looked like, himself. He’d have plenty of time to look later, though. Right now, he just wanted to keep his eyes on Andrew, who was tracing the skin around his stitches.
Once Andrew had looked his fill, he redid the bandages and carefully helped Neil back into his shirt. “Thank you,” said Neil.
For some reason, that seemed to annoy Andrew. “No. We’re not having this conversation yet. Get some sleep.”
“But what –”
“Shh, I’m sleeping,” said Andrew, laying down and closing his eyes. He stretched his legs out, kicking Neil in the process.
Sighing, Neil tried to lay down without putting additional strain on his injuries with limited success. Andrew’s eyes popped open at the involuntary noise Neil made as a fiery line of pain shot through his chest. “I’m fine.”
“No you’re not,” said Andrew. He scooted closer to Neil. “Yes or no?”
“Yes,” said Neil. “Always yes.” Andrew slid his arm under Neil’s neck, pulling Neil’s head into his chest, and the two of them drifted into a peaceful slumber.
***
When Neil woke up, Andrew was gone, and the door was cracked open. He felt a small weight on his stomach. Reaching down, he touched his cellphone with a note taped to it in Andrew’s handwriting:
Call me before you rip out your stitches trying to sit up. Your phone is charged. We’re making dinner.
Despite Andrew’s very clear instructions, Neil managed to sit up on his own, though not without struggle. Based on the look Andrew gave him when he walked into the kitchen under his own power, he was more amused than annoyed at Neil’s blatant disregard of his offer of assistance, which Neil considered to be a good sign. Andrew and Renee were making enchiladas.
“Anything I can do to help?” he asked.
“I think you’ve done enough,” said Andrew loftily as he scooped shredded chicken onto a tortilla, which Renee proceeded to roll up and add to the baking dish.
“We’re almost done putting the enchiladas together, but would you mind getting the water boiling for the Spanish rice?” Renee asked. “The pot is out next to the stove, and the instructions are on the rice packet over here.”
Shooting Renee a grateful look, Neil set about starting the rice. It felt good to have something to do, and he was eager to prove to Andrew that he was capable of completing basic tasks.
As the smell of Mexican food started to drift through the air, Neil realized how hungry he was. He hadn’t eaten anything since last night, before practice. Dinner was great. The food was delicious, and Renee’s calm and cheerful demeanor helped balance the way Andrew kept looking at him as if he might shatter.
After dinner, Renee picked out a movie for them to watch. Andrew sat at one end of the couch and Renee sat at the other, with Neil in the middle. He tried to pay attention to the movie – it seemed good, and Renee had said it was one of her favorites – but he kept looking at Andrew instead. About halfway through the movie, Andrew pulled a knife out of one of his armbands and started fidgeting with it. Neil turned to Renee and gave her a significant look.
Andrew noticed. “What, are you nervous I’m going to stab you? I thought you’d abandoned all fear of pain and mortal peril.”
Neil kept his gaze on Renee. She looked back calmly. “He asked me to give them back.” Renee returned her attention to the movie, leaving Neil to turn back to Andrew. Andrew ignored him, too. Neil held out as long as he could before turning towards the television screen with a huff.
When the credits started, Renee stood up and stretched. “If we go to bed now, we’ll probably be able to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow,” she said.
Andrew nodded and stood up, too. He raised his eyebrows at Neil. “You coming?”
Neil held out his hand, silently asking Andrew to help him up. Andrew stared at it for a second. Just when Neil was about to give up and try to push himself up from the sofa, Andrew grabbed hold of him and pulled him to his feet. His head swam a little, and he kept a tight grip on Andrew’s hand until he felt steady enough to follow him into the bedroom.
Andrew crossed the room and rummaged through Neil’s bag, tossing a loose t-shirt and pair of shorts onto the bed for him to sleep in. “Do you want to shower tonight or tomorrow?”
Neil knew he could probably use one sooner rather than later, but he didn’t think he had the energy to stand up that long. “Tomorrow?”
“Okay.” Andrew went over to his own bag and took the medical kit back out. Neil climbed onto the bed to wait for him, and Andrew repeated the process from earlier in the day. It didn’t take him as long to change Neil’s bandages this time.
“Thank you,” Neil said.
He had forgotten the way Andrew reacted when he thanked him for this the last time, but he was quickly reminded by the icy glare Andrew threw at him. “You want to thank me? Don’t do this again.”
“It’s not like I got shot on purpose,” said Neil, annoyed.
“Not this,” said Andrew, putting his hand over Neil’s bandages. “Although it would be nice if you could avoid this, too. Don’t act like your life is less valuable than everyone else’s.”
“That’s not what I was doing,” Neil protested. “He was going to kill Casey.”
“So instead you decided to let him try to kill you?” asked Andrew. “Wow, great plan! Your genius is truly unparalleled.”
“Somebody had to stop him,” said Neil. “I thought you liked Casey!”
“This isn’t about Casey, this is about you and your penchant for self-sacrifice,” said Andrew. “The Neil I met a year and a half ago would do anything to save his own skin. Did me telling you to stay really break you that much?”
“You didn’t break me,” said Neil, reaching for Andrew’s arm. He paused, continuing only when he felt Andrew relax under his touch. “Before you, what I was doing – it wasn’t living. It was barely existing. I had nothing. I was surviving, but for what? You gave me something to live for.”
“I thought exy gave you something to live for,” said Andrew stubbornly.
“But you’re the one who let me keep it,” Neil pointed out.
“Everything’s about exy for you, isn’t it?”
“You’re the one who brought it up!” Neil was starting to get frustrated, but Andrew was looking more and more closed off. He tried to think of something he could say to reignite the fire behind Andrew’s eyes. “I can take care of myself.”
“Clearly, you cannot.” Andrew clenched and unclenched his fist. “I’m never letting you out of my sight again.”
“You let me out of your sight this afternoon, and I was perfectly fine,” Neil reminded him.
“No I didn’t. You were with Renee,” said Andrew.
Neil refrained from pointing out the absurdity of that statement. “Whatever. The point is, you’re going to have to accept the fact that you can’t always be there to protect me.”
“Don’t tell me what I have to do,” said Andrew. His eyes flashed in dangerous warning, which Neil ignored.
“I’m serious,” said Neil. “Look, I’m stupid, remember? That means I’m probably going to keep doing stupid stuff. I need to know you aren’t going to take it as a personal failure every time I get a little banged up in the process. I need you to be okay, even if I’m not.”
“You are so much stupider than you think you are,” said Andrew. He looked as if he were about to boil over.
“How is it stupid for me to want you to be able to be okay without me?” asked Neil.
Andrew lunged towards him. “Listen carefully, because I’m not going to repeat myself,” he said, his hand on Neil’s throat. “Losing you is not something I would survive.”
Neil stared at him blankly. “Oh.”
“Oh,” Andrew echoed mockingly. “So, if you can’t try a little harder to keep yourself alive for your own sake, could you at least be mindful of the fact that you’d drag me down with you?”
Andrew’s fingers dug into Neil’s neck as Neil nodded. He may be willing to risk himself, but it was unacceptable for him to put Andrew at risk. He still needed to get used to the idea that they were one and the same. “Yeah. I’m – I’ll try. I’ll do better.”
Andrew slid his hand around to the back of Neil’s neck and leaned into him until there was just a breath of space between them. “Yes or no?”
“Yes,” said Neil, and Andrew’s mouth crashed into his. Andrew kept one hand behind his head and put the other firmly on his back, carefully lowering him down onto the bed without putting any strain on his chest. Neil reached up and looped his arms behind Andrew’s head, content to let Andrew kiss all of the tension out of his body.
“If it helps,” said Neil between kisses, knowing full well it wouldn’t, “my first thought after getting shot was ‘Andrew’s going to kill me.’”
Andrew growled against his mouth, biting down on corner of his lip. “Next time, try to think that before you get shot, and then don’t.”
“So you think there will be a next time?”
Andrew rolled his eyes as he shifted to kiss Neil’s neck. “There’s always a next time with you.”
Neil felt a flutter of warmth bubble up from his stomach and spread through his entire body. He knew Andrew wasn’t just talking about a next time for the bad –the recklessness, the pain, the tragedy. Based on how their lives had gone so far, there would be plenty of that, too. But then there would also be a next time for the good – the healing, the kisses, the blissful sense of peace. With Andrew at his side, he felt ready to face every minute of it.