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"He's dead." Feathertail's throat burned like she'd swallowed a mouthful of acid. "He sacrificed his life to save me- to save all of us. But Stormfur is dead."
Her Clanmates' eyes widened but nobody whispered, because what was there to say? They all just stared at her, waiting for her to go on, and Feathertail swallowed.
"He... He died nobly, a hero, and- and he's in StarClan now and I know that he's- with Stonefur and Crookedstar and, and-"
Mistyfoot saved her. She laid her tail on Feathertail's back and guided her away from the heat of her Clanmates' gazes, and somewhere in the distance Feathertail could hear Leopardstar address the Clan.
"Stormfur was an exceptional warrior. Every day, he reminded me of his mentor, Stonefur, and of his kin, Silverstream and Oakheart and Crookedstar. He could have led RiverClan after my time ended-"
Mistyfoot stopped leading her once they reached the river. Feathertail looked at the water's surface and expected to see her own reflection, but Stormfur's round face and amber eyes stared back. "He's dead, Mistyfoot," Feathertail whimpered, unable to contain her grief. She buried her face in Mistyfoot's fur and cried until she couldn't breathe anymore.
In the corner of camp, Hawkfrost watched her with a newfound curiosity.
--
The days crawled on but when Feathertail tried to remember what happened, she couldn't.
Mistyfoot told her that the meeting with the four leaders went well enough. Brambleclaw was very persuasive and convinced the leaders that something must be done, but nobody was comfortable with what. It would take more than one night to convince anyone to uproot their Clan in search of a new home, much less Blackstar or Leopardstar. The fact that any progress was made while there was so much tension should've been counted as a victory, but they still had a long way to go.
It crossed Feathertail's mind that she should be working on Leopardstar, but Leopardstar was always more of a follower than anyone could admit; that was why she sat beside Tigerstar on top of Bonehill, wasn't it? Why she gave Stonefur the order to kill her and Stormpaw? Because someone more powerful and more charismatic told her to.
They were bitter thoughts, but Feathertail had been bitter for a long time. Sometimes she thought she'd been born bitter and resentful because now it was all she could remember, and she'd simply hidden it behind her pretty smile.
--
Mistyfoot missed Stormfur too, but she stayed so busy that nobody noticed. She organized patrols and gave commands and held her head high like Stonefur did, like Oakheart did, like Crookedjaw did, like Shellheart did, like Stormfur would have-
It seemed like the rest of her Clanmates had already moved on. Feathertail understood that warriors couldn't dwell on death and that each of them took an oath to protect RiverClan at the cost of their lives, but she saw their smiles and heard their banter and could not understand how.
Maybe it was because they had disappeared for so long, the Clan had already accepted the likelihood that they were dead and had time to process their grief. Maybe Feathertail's return shocked them more than anything. Maybe she should have stayed with the Tribe who remembered Stormfur and his sacrifice every single day.
Because even though bitterness spread its roots a little further every day, right then, she just felt so alone.
"Mind if I join you?"
She looked up. Hawkfrost held a trout in his mouth and a twinkle in his ice-blue eye.
Feathertail eyed him before silently making room. Hawkfrost settled down beside her and pushed the trout between them, and immediately her mouth began to water; she hadn't eaten much since her return, but trout was her favorite and this one looked particularly juicy…
"You can have a bite," Hawkfrost meowed, whiskers twitching. "I don't mind sharing."
From what she knew about him, he really didn't. Hawkfrost was a sociable warrior, always sharing tongues or hunting with somebody. They hadn't interacted much before now, but she was grateful for some company all the same and took a bite of the trout; without meaning to, she devoured it in a few mouthfuls. If it bothered Hawkfrost then he masked it well.
"Can I ask you something, Feathertail?"
Feathertail glanced wearily at Hawkfrost but she nodded.
In a sympathetic tone, he asked, "Are you okay?"
What kind of question is that? She trusted Hawkfrost enough to accept the trout but he wasn't about to witness one of her meltdowns. "I'm fine," she said, starting to stand. "And actually, if you'll excuse me, I just remembered-"
"I'm not asking out of some misplaced obligation," Hawkfrost interrupted her. "I'm asking because I understand how alone you feel… well, as much as I can. I suppose I do still have one littermate." They locked eyes. He added, "but no mother, and no father."
Feathertail wasn't easily bought, but her walls lowered simply because Hawkfrost was interesting. "Graystripe is alive."
Hawkfrost blinked sympathetically. "I suppose it would be easier to believe that… he saved the daughter of Firestar, you know."
"I know. Mistyfoot told me." And she was trying not to think about that because she was already grieving Stormfur, and it was easier to believe that Graystripe was still alive and the twolegs hadn't harmed him-
Everyone knew that Hawkfrost was intelligent, but one day Stormfur called him calculating. He doesn't waste words, Stormfur said. He does everything intentionally.
Here was Hawkfrost, going out of his way to bring her a trout just so that he could prod at festering wounds and watch how they oozed infection. Feathertail wondered what he wanted with her, and then she decided that two could play this game.
"Do you think about Sasha often?" she asked and she was proud of herself when the question caught him off guard.
"Not much," Hawkfrost answered, recovering quickly. "I moved past her long ago, but I remember how hurt I was when she left; I felt like I was bleeding from a wound that couldn't be helped. Of course, now I've had time to heal. You haven't."
Feathertail thought of the mother she never met but was constantly compared to, and the father she was forced to call an enemy, and the uncle who gave his life to protect hers, and she said, "At this point, I'm not afraid to bleed."
"Then what are you afraid of?" Hawkfrost pressed.
Feathertail looked into his eyes and her heart began to pound in her ears.
--
When Mistyfoot wasn't busy staying busy, she found the time to remember Feathertail. Sometimes they sunbathed or fished, but today they were just taking a walk.
"You and Hawkfrost were close the other day. I didn't know you two were friends."
Feathertail looked at her. "You saw that?"
"Shadepelt told me."
Figures. She returned her attention to the lilies and thought of what a shame it would be once twolegs burned her home to the ground. At least I won't be here to watch it happen; the Clans would depart for their new homes at dawn.
"Hawkfrost is handsome, isn't he?" Mistyfoot pushed.
"If you like getting lost in blue eyes and someone with muscle to keep you warm at night, then I guess so. Isn't he a little young for you, though?"
Mistyfoot laughed dryly. "Very funny, Feathertail."
"I don't have feelings for him if that's what you want to know. He just wanted to… well, I don't really know what he wanted, but he asked how I was holding up. Which is more than most of the Clan has done, by the way."
Her old mentor winced. "You were gone for a long time, Feathertail."
Long enough for the Clan to accept the likelihood that we were dead. She knew this of course, but if her Clanmates were only half right then why did they sometimes pretend neither littermate returned from the quest?
"Why does it matter if Hawkfrost and I are friends?" Feathertail asked. She didn't really consider them friends, but so what if she did?
"I don't trust Hawkfrost. I've been keeping an eye on him for a while now, and nothing that comes out of his mouth is genuine."
Feathertail thought about that, then added, "He's calculating."
"Very. Now, you're an attractive young cat so perhaps he's only interested in you as a potential mate-"
Feathertail made a face.
"-but I just want you to be careful around him. Not that you aren't capable, you are, but I worry about you." Mistyfoot looked at her, eyes soft. "You remind me more and more of your mother every day, you know."
Tension mounted in Feathertail's chest. "I know." She avoided Mistyfoot's soft eyes and stared at the lilies. "I guess she was about my age when she started meeting with Graystripe. Is that why you don't want me talking to Hawkfrost?"
"I would love to see you settle down with a nice cat. I just hope you choose that cat wisely. Silverstream wasn't perfect. She was in a dark place when she fell in love with Graystripe, but he loved her despite that, and they made each other happy. I want someone like that for you."
"Stormfur was like that for me," Feathertail murmured. "Listened to me, reassured me. Now he's gone, and Graystripe is, too."
Mistyfoot sat down and curled her tail around Feathertail. "Stop that, Feathertail. We don't know where Graystripe is, but he's the most stubborn warrior I've ever met. No matter where the Clans settle down, he'll find us."
But what if he's too late? What if my heart hardens before then and I become so consumed with bitterness that no one can help me?
"Hey." Mistyfoot nudged her. "You know that you can always talk to me, don't you? I understand how you feel."
Feathertail bunted her head against Mistyfoot's chin and closed her eyes, breathing in her scent. "I know."
But Mistyfoot didn't understand, not really. Oh, she knew what it felt like to lose both of her parents and she knew how it felt to watch a brother sacrifice himself for the lives of others, but the darkness that festered like an untreated wound inside Feathertail's heart was inexplainable. And Mistyfoot, as angry as she had once been at the world, had no idea how to help her.
--
Everyone had their reservations about the journey, but Feathertail thought it was going well enough. The tension between rival warriors was beginning to dissolve and new friendships were being made. As she watched Rainwhisker of ThunderClan and Swallowtail of WindClan banter back and forth, Feathertail had to smile.
We're leaving our homes behind, but maybe we'll leave something else behind, too. Maybe once they settled down in their new territories the Clans could work together. She would love to be able to visit ThunderClan from time to time and to keep her friendships with her fellow quest cats.
"I can't believe Crowfoot got his warrior name before me," Squirrelpaw grumbled, glaring at the back of the warrior's head. "He can't be much older than me!"
Feathertail purred. "Maybe it's because he was selected for the journey, whereas you ran away from home."
"Whatever," Squirrelpaw mumbled. "At least his name is lame; I mean, Crowfoot."
"I'm named after both of my parents," Crowfoot snapped, not even turning around. Squirrelpaw folded her ears back, embarrassed at being overheard, and Feathertail had to laugh.
The questing cats were taking turns leading the Clans to their new territories since they had already made the journey once before. Brambleclaw and Tawnypelt were at the front of the pack now, and tomorrow it would be Crowfoot and herself. Several warriors were walking behind the pack, making sure that nobody got left behind. Hawkfrost caught Feathertail's eye as he brushed by.
He caught Squirrelpaw's, too. "I don't like him," she said. "He's even more stuck up than Crowfoot."
"Quit talking about me, Squirrelpaw!"
Feathertail hummed. "He's a little bit weird but he's a strong warrior. I'm glad I get to fight beside him instead of against him."
"He talks to Brambleclaw too much."
"Well, they are kin."
"That's not the point. I think he wants something from Brambleclaw, but whenever I try to talk to Brambleclaw about it, he gets defensive."
She's jealous, Feathertail thought, amused. I wonder when she'll realize that the reason she fights with Brambleclaw so often is because-
"He reminds me of Tigerstar."
Feathertail froze. Her sudden stop caused Rowanclaw to nearly collide with her, but his complaint fell on deaf ears.
Squirrelpaw's expression was triumphant. "That's it!" she exclaimed. "Hawkfrost reminds me of Tigerstar. I- Feathertail, are you okay?"
Her senses were overwhelmed with the stench of rotting flesh and fear. Crouched down beside Stormpaw, behind Stonefur, she tried desperately to disappear into the earth so that Tigerstar wouldn't see her-
"Feathertail!"
She snapped to attention. Squirrelpaw was staring at her, concerned. "Are you alright?" she asked.
Feathertail forced the memory out of her mind. "I'm fine. I just- you never met Tigerstar. How would you know what he was like?"
"Maybe I never met him, but I know the stories. My Clanmates say that he was very charismatic and handsome; he could convince anyone to do his bidding." Squirrelpaw shrugged. "I guess it's unfair to compare him to Hawkfrost, but I'm just surprised no one else has noticed the resemblance, y'know?"
--
Between the sons of Tigerstar, it was Brambleclaw who most resembled him. As a matter of fact, the first time Stormfur saw him at a Gathering he couldn't look away. Feathertail didn't blame him; they had the exact same amber eyes. Or so she had thought. As they grew closer on the journey, Feathertail realized that Brambleclaw's eyes were bright and warm, like the sun; she could never forget Tigerstar's eyes, dark like the Silverpelt yet unable to reflect the stars.
She had never looked at Hawkfrost and been reminded of his father. If Sasha had never revealed the truth, she doubted anyone would have. Aside from a brown tabby coat, they were opposites.
But Squirrelpaw is right. He's charismatic, convincing, and calculating. Even Stormfur wasn't sure he could be trusted.
Then why am I drawn to him?
At first she ignored the urge to be close to him. He was handsome, sure, but Feathertail wasn't looking for a mate; she had other things to deal with. But the longer they journeyed, the stronger the urge became. She wanted to ask him questions, get his opinion on things just to be near him.
Is this how Leopardstar fell for Tigerstar's tricks?
The wind changed directions and buffeted her pelt. Feathertail shivered but she made no move to join her Clanmates inside the caves; they had reached the Tribe, and she didn't really want to smile and nod as Tribe cats thanked her again for Stonefur's sacrifice; as if she had been the one to make the decision for him. As if she wouldn't have stopped him if she could of. Stonefur took an oath to protect RiverClan with his life, not a group of cats that they had only known for a few days.
"Mind if I join you?"
Feathertail looked over her shoulder and suddenly her walls went up when she saw Hawkfrost. Something inside of her screamed to find her friends, to not be alone with him, but Feathertail shushed that voice. She was suspicious of Hawkfrost's intentions but she had no proof that he was the same as his father; the opposite, actually. All they had ever talked about was their kin. No dangerous ambition, no plans to conquer the Clans.
You are what you love, not who loves you.
Silently, Feathertail nodded.
He sat down beside her and his pelt was thick and shielded her from the harsh wind. She looked to where the waterfall glowed with moonlight and realized it was the same color as his eyes.
Blue eyes, not amber.
"Your friends are worried about you," Hawkfrost finally spoke up. "I volunteered to check on you, since it might be a little obvious if one of them did instead."
Feathertail frowned. "If you were trying to be subtle, then why did you just tell me that?"
"Because you would have seen through it anyway; you're too smart for silly games, Feathertail."
It wasn't the type of compliment she was used to, but she appreciated it. "Thanks, I guess."
Silence settled between them, and Feathertail was reminded that Hawkfrost did nothing without intention. Then he asked, "This is where Stormfur died, isn't it?"
She had been avoiding everybody exactly for this reason, but Stormfur's name on Hawkfrost's tongue sounded different; it didn't make her want to double over with grief, so she nodded to the ledge just above the waterfall and said, "He jumped from that ledge right there." Brooke Where Small Fish Swim told her that they named the ledge after Stormfur.
Hawkfrost's eyes widened slightly, impressed. "He sacrificed himself for a group of cats that were practically strangers. Leopardstar should have named him Stormheart."
"She named him after Stonefur."
"What about you? Does 'tail' have any significance?"
"Balance," Feathertail replied. Hawkfrost snorted, but composed himself when she glanced at him. "Leopardstar wanted to name me Featherstream, but Mistyfoot talked her out of it."
"Your mother's name was Silverstream, right?"
Feathertail nodded. "I would have preferred Featherstripe, but Leopardstar still hasn't forgiven my mother for taking a ThunderClan mate. I didn't even bother requesting it."
"At least your name is still meaningful; Leopardstar told me that 'frost' is literally because of my eyes."
"I thought it was because the icicle shoved up your tail."
She took special pride in surprising the unshakeable Hawkfrost; before Hawkfrost could control himself, he shot Feathertail a look of utter bewilderment. She burst into laughter.
"Not really," she assured him. "But Squirrelpaw said that earlier and I thought it was funny."
"Squirrelpaw is a pest," Hawkfrost muttered darkly.
"She is," Feathertail agreed, a fond smile on her lips. Hawkfrost shook his head, like he couldn't understand why Feathertail would feel any sort of affection towards the ThunderClan apprentice, but she supposed it would be difficult for anyone to understand the bond between the journeying cats.
"Well," Hawkfrost finally said, "you seem normal enough to me. I'll give your friends a good report."
Feeling lighter now that she had laughed, Feathertail smiled and replied, "I appreciate it." Hawkfrost stood to his paws and started back to the caves, and Feathertail berated herself for missing his warmth. You're a warrior, not some moony apprentice. Get a grip.
"Feathertail?"
She turned towards his voice and that feeling of lightness came crashing down around her. Stifling an instinctive gasp, she managed to get out, "Yes?"
Hawkfrost grinned at her like they shared a secret. "Does 'tail' really symbolize balance?"
Silently, she nodded.
Hawkfrost laughed. "Then I guess you've managed to trick Leopardstar, at least. Sleep well, Feathertail."
His laugh seemed to echo all around her as his tail disappeared into the cave. She was vaguely aware that she must have looked crazy with her fur bristling along her spine, but she couldn't unsee his eyes.
For a moment they had been made of solid ice, unable to reflect the stars.
--
Hawkfrost was literally born from ambition.
Bramblepaw and Tawnypaw were proving to be unsuccessful heirs; one already idolized the ThunderClan kittypet, and the other was desperate to find her place in the forest but not desperate enough to make the necessary sacrifices.
Sasha, although a loner, was strong and intelligent and would produce strong and intelligent kits. Those kits would help Tigerstar fulfill his dream of ushering in the era of TigerClan.
His death was a setback, but his dream was still alive. Mothwing was a respected Medicine Cat, and it was always good to have one of those on your side, although it did become complicated when she lost her belief in StarClan and Tigerstar had no way of communicating with her…
So then it was good that Hawkfrost was so ambitious, and it was good that his abandonment issues were so easy to manipulate, because he was capable of seeing TigerClan through all himself, and Tigerstar was sure that once he began to walk in his dreams that Hawkfrost would leap at the chance to make him proud.
Everything was going according to plan; that is until Feathertail had to come home and make herself interesting.
Maybe her dirty blood appealed to the loner in Hawkfrost, or maybe he just couldn't resist prodding at all of her cracks and insecurities. He was delighted to discover the darkness that lived inside her heart; the pretty RiverClan warrior with the polite smile was so unbalanced that her very name was comical.
At first Tigerstar wasn't concerned by the toying; Hawkfrost was young after all and this was probably his weird way of expressing feelings. It would not become a problem as long as he was ready to kill Feathertail when the time came. As unbalanced as she was, she was also good at pulling cats in and could be a strong leader if she ever learned to overcome all of her grief and her insecurities. And maybe Tigerstar was a little bit biased because he had failed to kill her once before, but never again. Now he had Hawkfrost to do his bidding.
As long as Hawkfrost believed in TigerClan. As long as Feathertail didn't realize the power that a pretty she-cat had over a tom with some abandonment issues. And as long as Tigerstar wasn't wrong about her, and Graystripe's daughter was not strong enough to go claw-to-claw with his son.
But as Tigerstar watched his son slink into the caves and curl up in his makeshift nest, still smiling that secretive smile, he decided that this was not worth risking all of his plans. He hadn't wanted to walk in Hawkfrost's dreams for a few more moons, until he was sure that Hawkfrost could be counted on, but the longer he waited, the more time Feathertail had to realize her own strength.
Not yet, Tigerstar decided. Patience. I will wait until the Clans find their new homes and Hawkfrost is stable.
But Tigerstar was just feeling paranoid. After all, he reasoned, blood is always thicker than water.