Chapter Text
I had let myself mold into her soft lap, my head resting against her thigh. Bella was sitting cross-legged on the floor of my room. She had propped three pillows behind her during our tv viewing and her shoulders slouched slightly in relaxed comfort. I could feel her folded legs against my back, her warmth seeping through her jeans. I was of course, holding myself up slightly so that she would only feel a light weight and my stone-like torso would not crush her. One of her hands was cradling my face, a hot brand against my cheek, while the other hands was gently carding through my reddish bronze hair. With each stroke of her wrist the sleeve of her blue and brown flannel shirt edged into my vision. I looked up at her wide face, her thick hair pulled back into a bun, and her adorable chin the most prominent feature at this angle. She was watching the Sense and Sensibility adaption playing on the tv, but I was only watching her. I could not remember ever feeling safer or more at peace. Her warm human body cradled me like I was something precious. It filled my chest with such warmth that I almost felt human again, like I had a bursting fluttering heartbeat. I breathed in her scent, the scorching burn of it furthering the feeling of warmth, and I breathed out a sigh of pure contentment.
It was then that Bella looked down at me and frowned sardonically. “Edward, you’re not watching! I thought you said this was your favorite Jane Austen adaption.” She was right, it had recently become my favorite. Sense and Sensibility had also become one of my favorite books when I discovered it was one of her favorites. I enjoyed Elinor Dashwood so much more with the knowledge that Bella related to her character. Practicality, generosity, and selflessness were definitive traits that linked Bella and the fictional heroine, making me love both of them all the more. The mini-series that had aired this year had become my favorite once I had seen the actress playing Elinor Dashwood. Her large eyes and brown hair reminded me of Bella, though she was nowhere near as beautiful.
“I’ve already seen it. And I’d much rather watch your reaction. Though to be honest, I was getting distracted.”
“Is being this close to me uncomfortable?” Bella looked worried, taking on too much responsibility as always. I quickly spoke to assure her.
“No, actually, I was distracted by how at peace I feel right now.” I paused for a moment looking up at her, unsure if I should continue. Bella was always so vulnerable and honest with me, why not share exactly how I felt? “I have never felt as safe as I do when you hold me so gently.”
Bella’s immediate reaction was a little incredulous laugh. “A human who is a million times weaker than you? Makes you feel safe?”
I felt now that I must explain everything because she didn’t seem to understand at all.
“I feel protected by your humanity, your warmth….your goodness and kindness. If someone as good as you could deem me worthy of care and treat me with such gentleness, maybe I do deserve some mercy.”
I turned my face into her palm, hiding slightly as I said the next part. “I thought at first that it was your extraordinary compassion that was allowing you to tolerate me. I have seen how lenient and forgiving you are with other people.” I thought about the teens in our high school. She encouraged and felt for those who were struggling, even people who were unpopular due to their own spiteful personalities. I thought about how Bella would never hold a grudge against Renee, even as neglectful as the woman had been over the years. I continued speaking into her palm.
“I have seen your compassion for others, but I have also seen that you are repulsed by cruelty.” I remembered how she stood up for Eric Yorkie and avoided Jessica and Lauren after they belittled him. “You may feel compassion for a cruel person, but you would never treat them specially, you would merely tolerate them. But you do so so much more than tolerate me.”
I paused and added softly, just loud enough so that she could hear. “It makes me feel like less of a monster. Even if I cannot imagine what I have possibly done to deserve your embrace.”
Bella looked down at me with pain in her eyes, only looking away briefly to pause the tv.
“Edward, you deserve all of the compassion in the world. You have made mistakes, but you haven’t hurt anyone in years and you never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it." I cringed internally at her use of the word hurt instead of killed. "Your family all act like you are some sort of annoying self-control saint.” Bella smirked at this description, probably thinking about Rosalie or Jasper. “How can you believe that you are so evil when you have done nothing to deserve that label?”
I looked up at her kind face and once again I could not understand how she could ignore the depth of my depravity. I sat up, leaving the warmth of her lap, falling away from that cradle of bliss.
“It’s not about what I have done, though I am less forgiving of my vigilantism than you are. It is about what I think and what I desire. How can my kind not be considered inherently evil when our basic nature is to thirst for human blood? What could be viler than a being whose base instinct is murder?” I spoke these words without the usual vehemence that would accompany them. My voice was only filled with sorrow at the undeniable fact of my malevolence.
Bella face was flush with outraged and she looked directly into my eyes. “We are defined by our actions not by our thoughts. Human thoughts are just as evil most of the time, you know that better than anyone! We are fallen too, we desire evil things, and so many give in and commit horrific crimes. The fact that you have resisted this temptation that is so much stronger than human temptation only makes you purer in my eyes. Edward, you are good.”
She said the last words forcefully, as if willing me into believing them. I was so grateful for her acceptance that, like the coward I was, I didn’t push the conversation further. I just gently rested my face against her shoulder, letting her scorching warmth seep into my cold forehead.
“Thank you, Bella.” I said in a whisper.
She hugged me closer to her, in exactly the way that made me feel safe and protected. I wanted to believe her so desperately that I allowed myself to bask her in acceptance, even if I could not believe that any sort of God would allow me to maintain my soul.
“Edward, I know you don’t believe me yet, but I will convince you eventually. You know how stubborn I am.”
She placed both her hands on the palms of my cheeks and guided my face up to meet hers. She didn’t even have one millionths of the strength that it would take to move my head, but I allowed myself to be maneuvered. I enjoyed the power she held over me, even if it was not physical. She looked me right in the eyes and grinned.
“I’ll even pull out a Bible to make this argument if I have to! I’ll do it Edward!”
I chuckled at this, even though I knew she was only half joking. She knew from Carlisle that part of my self-loathing stemmed from a concern about my soul. I appreciated how she made the statement into a joke, lightening the conversation like I did when things became too dark or serious.
I just grinned at her in pure gratitude and her face radiated warmth in response, her smile stretching across her lovely broad face.
“Let’s finish the episode! I love the dinner scene– it always cracks me up!” Bella said, saving the continuation of this serious discussion for another day. She removed her hand from me and held her arms out, welcoming me back into her embrace. I eagerly laid back down against her, allowing myself to once again drift on the balmy breeze that was Bella Swan's radiant protection.