Work Text:
“What the hell were you thinking!?”
Dean is livid. Cas knew he would be the second he decided to jump in front of him as a demon headed straight for them. He wasn’t sure he’d survive long enough to endure Dean’s rath, low on his grace and fading fast, but somehow, they survived. Now, here they are, back in the Impala, bloody and bruised, but alive. Cas’s hands twitch with the urge to heal Dean’s wounds, but he thinks that maybe now is not the best time. Dean would only scold him for wasting what’s left of his power.
Dean managed to kill the demon eventually, and maybe he would have been fine even if Cas hadn’t shielded him from the attack, but that’s not a chance Cas is willing to take. Not anymore.
“Well?!”
Dean keeps his eyes on the road as they make their way back to a nearby motel for the night. He’s got a knuckle-white grip in the steering wheel, and his breathing is still heavy from the fight. Cas isn’t sure what to say to fix things, so he tells the truth.
“I couldn’t let you die.”
Dean rolls his eyes, “Way to be melodramatic. I wouldn’t have died, Cas--!”
“You don’t know that!” Cas insists, “Dean, that demon was coming right at you with a knife. He caught us both by surprise, and I knew your gun was on the floor somewhere, I didn’t know if you had another weapon on you, so --.”
“So you thought jumping in front of me was the best solution?” Dean asks, incredulous. “Why didn’t you just toss me your angel blade? Come on, man, how could you be so stupid!”
Cas blinks. That thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. He feels a little silly, risking his life like that when there was another way, but he doesn’t regret his decision.
“I didn’t think --.”
“Exactly, you didn’t think,” Dean interrupts. “You know damn well you’re low on juice right now. You can’t keep putting your ass on the line for me every time we go on a hunt!”
Now Cas is starting to get a little annoyed, because Dean is being a hypocrite. “You do the same for Sam, do you not?” he asks pointedly.
“That’s different,” Dean grunts.
“Is it?” Cas bites back, turning his head to look at Dean.
“Don’t start this with me,” Dean warns, glancing at Cas, who raises a challenging eyebrow. “Sam’s my brother, it’s my job to take care of him, make sure he survives this mess. I’d die for him in a second.”
Cas sighs as the car pulls into the motel lot. “You’re so willing to die for everyone else, but no one is allowed to die for you.”
Dean throws the car in park and rips the keys out of the ignition with a little more force than necessary.
“I’m not doing this with you, Cas,” he says.
“Why are you the one who has to put his life in danger? Why are you always the one to carry the burden?” Cas asks these questions because he genuinely wants to know. All he’s ever done is try to keep Sam and Dean alive. Since when is that a problem? “How dare you get mad at me for trying to protect you.”
“Dammit, Cas, I don’t need protecting!”
“Yes, you do,” Cas urges, “You aren’t invincible, Dean. One day, the universe won’t bring you back.”
“Yeah, well, today ain’t that day. I would have been fine. You can’t be throwing yourself in front of demons for me!”
“I didn’t have a choice. That demon could have killed you and I couldn’t let you die!”
“There was another way! Why’d you have to do that? Why’d you have to do something so stupid --!”
“Because I love you!” Cas roars, “I love you, I’m in love with you!”
He doesn’t mean to say that. He hadn’t even planned on telling Dean about how he felt. He figured he made it quite obvious, but alas, Dean was as stubborn as he was oblivious. Which is probably why he is currently staring at Cas, eyes wide, looking equal parts shocked and terrified.
Cas’s heart sinks, and he wishes he could take the words back. He wishes he had more of his grace, so he could disappear with a flap of his wings, but all he can do is get out of the car, so he does. He mumbles a quick, “I’m sorry,” then stumbles out of the Impala, walking quickly toward the office to see if he can get his own room. He’s almost to the door when Dean catches up to him, grabbing him by the arm and spinning him around.
For a minute they just look at each other, but then, Dean speaks.
“You... you love me?”
Cas looks down at his shoes. “Yes.”
A beat.
“How long?”
Cas looks back up to see Dean’s face, counts the freckles on his nose, takes in his strong jaw, his bruised bottom lip, and the cut on his eyebrow that’s still bleeding. Then, finally, he looks into those beautiful green eyes, the ones he’s almost certain he could drown in, and once again isn’t sure what to say.
The truth, his mind suggests.
“Years,” he admits quietly, looking down again. “I’ve been in love with you for years.”
“Jesus,” Dean mutters, taking a few steps away and sighing deeply. Cas can see him struggling with what to do next. He watches Dean run a nervous hand through his hair as he paces for a minute, then he pinches the bridge of his nose in an exasperated manner before he marches back up to Cas, determination in his eyes. Before Cas can protest, Dean is manhandling him into a darkened alley on the side of the building and slamming him against the brick wall.
“You don’t get to die for me,” Dean growls, “Not today, not ever.”
Cas opens his mouth to respond, but then Dean yanks him by the lapels of his trenchcoat and presses their lips together, rendering Cas completely speechless.
He’s dreamed of kissing Dean a thousand times, but the real thing is nothing like Cas had imagined. It’s not delicate by any means. This kiss is desperate, and angry, and scared, and uncertain, but Cas can’t find it in himself to care. Dean is kissing him, and Cas’s body reacts before he can stop himself. He sighs into the kiss, and his hands find Dean’s waist, sliding around to his back and pressing their bodies even closer. It’s all too much and somehow still not enough, but soon he’s running out of air and breaks away to catch his breath.
When they part, Cas notices Dean’s flush cheeks, his dilated pupils, his swollen lips --
“God, you’re beautiful,” he whispers.
Dean looks surprised for a second, before he’s pulling Cas close again.
“Shut up,” he says gruffly before slamming their lips back together. Cas goes to reach for Dean again, only to have his wrists pinned on either side of his head by Dean’s hands.
“You don’t get to die for me,” Dean repeats between kisses. Cas wants to disagree, starts to do just that, but then Dean starts sucking at a particularly sensitive spot on his neck and Cas feels his knees go weak.
“I can’t lose you, too,” Dean mumbles against his skin, kissing him again, “I just can’t.”
“I can’t lose you, either,” Cas pleads, and he sounds as wrecked as he feels. Dean’s lips find his again, kissing him slow and deep. Cas wonders briefly what this means for them. He wonders how the rest of the night will go, if Dean will pretend this never happened in the morning. He wonders if they should stop, talk about this, but his thoughts are interrupted when Dean squeezes his wrists, still pressed against the wall. He’s certain he’ll have bruises by the time Dean releases him, and he doesn’t mind one bit.