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Raihan is pulled from his thoughts by the sound of a gentle rapping against the outside of his door. Suddenly, as if the world had rematerialized around him, he scrambles up onto his knees, eyes still not having fully returned to reality. How long has he been like this? His mind races for the answer to that question, even though it wasn’t asked. His state of panic leaves him stunned and motionless as his eyes choose to return to focus on the text on the side of an open bag of crisps that sits beside him on the floor. The knock comes again.
“Raihan?” A familiar voice calls out from the other side. Raihan’s panic subsides slightly as he recognizes Leon. He finally wills his eyes away from the label on the bag of junk food to take in his surroundings. Various odds and ends litter the floor around him in the middle of his living area. He finally breaks free of his frozen state of panic after what seems like an eternity, scooping up the stale snacks and tossing them in a nearby bin without so much as standing up. What day is it? He blinks, but can’t come up with an answer. The knock comes again.
“Rai, come on, it’s only me.” Leon calls again, knocking for what Raihan knows will be the last time if he doesn’t get up and answer him. There’s some sinking sense of shame in his chest over the state of his flat, but he knows he can’t leave Leon standing there. Shuffling to his feet, he skitters over to the door, carefully pulling it open just a crack to peek out at his friend and rival.
“Did you need something, Lee?” His voice is gruffer and less patient than he’d imagined it sounding in his head when he’d rehearsed it in his head on the way to the door. Leon doesn’t seem to mind, his face lighting up at getting a response.
“Hey, you. Did I wake you? Hadn’t heard from you in a while and I came by to check on you. Everything alright?” Leon seems delighted. Raihan has to take a moment to process this, fully expecting to be chastised for all the missed calls and messages left unread on his phone. Despite the pleasantries, both of them know what’s going on and both of them knows the other knows it. They’ve spent enough time together for Leon to be entirely aware of Raihan’s habit to vanish entirely for weeks at a time in the off-season.
“Huh? Oh, no. I mean, I’m alright. Just been tired is all.” He oversimplifies, not wanting to explain the mental burden of feeling overwhelmed by existing. He doesn’t have to explain; Leon knows. Still, he doesn’t press too hard and offers a warm smile instead.
“That’s alright. Have you been sleeping, then?” Leon knows the answer to that question as well, but asks anyway. It’s a formality. Raihan knows that trying to shut Leon out is no use. Deep down, he doesn’t want him to leave, anyway. He awkwardly and somewhat shamefully opens the door to the dark dwelling. Leon beams with all the intensity of the full light of the sun and saunters inside. Raihan closes the door behind the two of them, shrinking down and letting his shoulders sink at Leon seeing the state of his home.
“Yeah. Uh, sorry about the mess. Haven’t been feeling up to cleaning lately. Been too tired.” Raihan doesn’t bother turning on the light, worried about Leon seeing that he hasn’t kept up with housework. Leon clearly doesn’t care, shrugging at Raihan’s apology.
“That’s alright. I don’t always feel like cleaning, either!” Leon chuckles, playing off the comment and hoping it brings Raihan some momentary comfort. It does. “Do you want a hand with it? I don’t mind.”
“What? No, I couldn’t ask that of you, Lee. You’ve got enough to deal with, don’t you? Besides, aren’t you a little overdressed for cleaning?” Raihan chuckles, patting Leon atop his head with one wide palm. Oh no, contact! Leon’s weakness. He leans happily into Raihan’s touch, smiling up at him and letting his eyes close. The gesture catches Raihan off guard, heart fluttering a little in his chest. Was Leon always this affectionate?
“Oh hush up, ahaha! Oh, Raihan…” he trails off after letting his laugh fade out. He turns to him and steps into him, surprising him by catching him in a hug. Raihan doesn’t turn away the affection, instead embracing him meekly in return. Leon peeks up at him from his chest, bright eyes cutting through whatever darkness rests between them. “You’re alright, Rai. You can ease up a little, I’m not going to judge you. You know that. Relax, deeeeep breaths.”
Raihan all but collapses against Leon as he holds him. He feels the weight of several weeks of depression being lifted, no longer feeling like he has to shoulder the weight of it alone. The relief is immediate and it’s all he can do to keep from breaking down sobbing against Leon’s shoulder. Despite the feelings flooding him, he maintains his composure, the only sign of his internal struggle being a shaky breath exhaled. Leon squeezes him tighter, warm and experienced hands patting his back.
“There you are, doesn’t that feel better? I know you know this already, but if you’re ever feeling lonely you can call me. Or text, if that’s too overwhelming. I don’t judge.” Leon lets the side of his head lean heavily against Raihan’s collar bones, arms secured around his chest with no intentions of letting go before either of them are ready. Raihan lifts a shaky hand to rest atop Leon’s head once more. He smiles internally when Leon leans up into his touch again, happy to receive it. It’s little things like this that validate Raihan’s existence; to be reacted to is to feel real. As he lets his hand fall from his head, he carefully and skillfully tangles his fingers into those long, soft, purple locks.
Leon’s hair is one of Raihan’s favorite features about him. He’ll never admit it, but he loves whenever Leon lets him touch, stroke, or brush it. It’s thick and unruly, but pleasantly soft against Raihan’s training-calloused palms and fingertips. Leon soaks up his attention and affection like a dry sponge, chuffed to bits.
“Can I ask you something a bit pathetic?” Raihan’s voice is once again gruffer than he’d intended, but his company doesn’t seem to mind.
“Of course, Rai. Ask me anything.”
“Pathetic as it sounds, can I ask why you’re so kind to me like this? Why you put up with me in the first place? Am I really worthy of all this?” He cringes at how the words sound when he says them out loud and wishes he could take them back. As Leon pulls back to look up at him, Raihan wishes that he could vanish from the shame. A tender hand rests against Raihan’s cheek, cupping his face.
“Raihan, what do you mean? You’re my rival, my best friend, why wouldn’t I want to be kind to you? Oh, Raihan… I know you aren’t well right now, but don’t let those negative thoughts convince you that you aren’t worthy of love. You’re alright. You know you don’t have to earn anything from me, right? I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it.” Leon’s thumb rubs a tender little circle over Raihan’s bottom lip, his eyes never leaving his. Raihan’s dam threatens to break once more, but he still holds firm. Leon can feel the tension in his stoic eyes, but neither prods nor relents.
“Sometimes I question if anyone is worthy of you” Raihan mumbles against his hand, letting the words slip out before he has time to think about them. The sudden openness surprises Leon, but he certainly doesn’t mind the shift. He can feel Raihan’s cheek warm under his palm as a blush spreads across his face. “Sorry if that was a bit forward.”
“You’re alright. You are more than worthy, though.” Leon pulls him in a little closer. Raihan doesn’t have time to prepare himself mentally before their foreheads rest against one another and Leon’s hand slips around the back of his neck instead.
“What did I do to deserve it?”
“Existed.” The exchange takes place in a split second, but the impact is vast. Raihan feels an aching in his chest that he can’t ignore. He falters, but Leon doesn’t. In the turbulence of all his emotion, Leon is steadfast like a rock in a storm and Raihan had no idea how badly he’d craved that stability.
“This is silly. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be… all…” Raihan mumbles and stutters, eyes looking everywhere but into Leon’s.
“It’s alright. It isn’t silly to need a little validation sometimes, we’re all only human. There’s no shame in asking for help. So long as I’m good for it, I’ll do anything I can.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know.”
The moment that follows is silent, but filled with emotion. Raihan’s head slowly lowers against Leon’s shoulder, his form hunched over him to hold him as though his life depended on it. Leon basks in the contact like sunlight, drinking it in and radiating it back. A quiet, meek sniffle finally breaks the silence, Raihan unable to hold back his feelings anymore. His face burns with shame, but the feeling of Leon’s hand rubbing comforting circles against the small of his back is enough to reassure him that this is alright. He whimpers, Leon comfortingly shushing him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls” Raihan sobs, “it’s not that I didn’t want to talk, I promise. I get so overwhelmed is all and when the… the obligation gets too heavy, then I can’t do anything.”
“Hey, that’s alright. Does it help if I come visit you when that happens? To break the silence? I don’t mind.” Leon is still holding him, but Raihan is now also holding him in return.
“Y-yes, admittedly.”
“Alright. Heh, we should come up with a code word or something easy to say so I know when you need me to stop by.” Leon strokes Raihan’s hair, fingers gliding between his locs. They remain like that for some time before Raihan parts from the embrace, locking his arms together anxiously over his chest.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to get all emotional. You likely don’t want my tears staining your coat.” He tries to play off the sudden need for space and distance as being out of consideration, but Leon sees through him.
“No worries. Do you need some space? Take your time. If you want another hug, I’m not planning on going anywhere.” Leon smiles, silently left wanting more affection. He can tell that Raihan is feeling overwhelmed and won’t press, instead opting to take a look around.
Ah, the depression nest. In a corner between the wall and a sofa is a little pile of blankets and pillows where he assumes Raihan has been sleeping. A laptop sits on a piece of cardboard on the floor near to it, food debris and dirty dishes stacked around it. Despite Raihan’s insistence that he hadn’t kept up on cleaning, the only real mess was in that small area, the rest of the flat being largely untouched. Without a moment’s hesitation, Leon sidles over to open the blinds and let some light in. Raihan winces and covers his eyes, allowing Leon more than enough time to scoop up a stack of plates and start toward the kitchen.
“Hey! Come on, I said you don’t have to do that…” Raihan protests as he lumbers awkwardly over to his depression corner. In his haste to lessen whatever burden he feels he is on Leon, he scoops up the rest of the dishes and follows Leon to the sink with them. If he finally cleans it, then Leon doesn’t have to. Leon is already rolling back his sleeves and running the water. Raihan protests meekly, knowing he’s unable to stop him when he has his mind set to something.
“I know, but I don’t mind helping. Besides, you’ll feel better once it’s done. If you want to, you can help me do it. Come on, maybe it will be fun.” He chuckles at that, dabbing a little dish soap on his finger and then reaching up to boop Raihan on the nose with it. Unfortunately, he misses and gets him on his cheek instead, the mix-up only making him giggle more. Raihan’s face melts into a genuinely happy smile for the first time in over a week. He laughs playfully and wipes the soap off his face, squirting a little onto his own finger and getting Leon smackdab on the nose. The sound of Raihan being happy, as well as the playful little game, is enough to coax a hearty belly laugh out of Leon. That sound is music to Raihan’s ears, only serving to brighten his mood even more.
“Come on then, you. At least let me help you if you’re going to play maid, hm?” Raihan can’t help but snark playfully as soon as he’s feeling a bit more like himself. Anyone who didn’t know him so well might be offended, but Leon can tell that he’s feeling better. The way he smiles up at him makes Raihan’s heart flutter again.
“I’d be willing to wager I can wash dishes faster than you can” Leon challenges playfully, earning a smirk from his rival.
“Oh is that what you think, hm?” Raihan is quick to roll up his own sleeves. The two of them stare one another down, sizing their competition up. Then they’re off! With the two of them racing one another, it takes mere minutes to complete what was likely two weeks worth of dirty dishes. As Leon completes his final dish, he sets it down to dry on the counter and then throws both hands over his head, flinging droplets of water everywhere. Raihan sputters as they land on him and breaks down into another fit of giggles. Leon isn’t far behind him, giggling apparently contagious. Soon, they’re both in a fit of uncontrollable laughter, drying their hands as best they can through it.
“I certainly won” Leon gloats, puffing out his chest. Raihan shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
“Not hardly, look at all these dishes I did” he boasts, gesturing to a stack of drying dishes. Leon snorts.
“Oh please, I did all those!” They argue back and forth, though the conversation seems to end there with both of them staring off into space. The pause feels longer than it is, but neither of them opposes the pleasant silence. They’re both pleased to simply exist in one another’s presence. Raihan decides it’s only fair that he be the one to break the silence.
“Hey, Leon?” He glances over to him, eyes uncharacteristically timid. Leon returns his glance, eyes flicking up from the dishes they’d washed together.
“Hm? Yes?” He’s attentive, clearly, face lighting up. Raihan can’t help but notice that the entire room looks a bit brighter when it’s lit by his smile. He rehearses what feels like a million different phrases in his head, unsure of exactly how to convey all that he’s feeling. Standing there in Leon’s presence, he realizes that no words can really do his feelings justice. Instead, he hopes that he can return even a sliver over the warmth he feels from that brilliant smile.
“Thanks.”
That’s all he says, but it’s more than enough.