Chapter Text
Shiho sat heavy in a chair, resting after a grueling hour of physical therapy. Ann sat beside her, having gained the courage to sit in on the sessions and cheer Shiho on from the sidelines. Ann had Akira to thank for that, sitting and listening to her blab about her feelings until she found her answer.
Watching Shiho get back onto her feet, Ann was struck by just how strong Shiho was. Ann admired that strength. She knew a similar strength must have resided in herself to have awakened her Persona in the first place, but Ann was left in awe of Shiho every day. She tried to tell her so, hoping that one of those times Shiho would believe her.
“So, how have Kurusu and Sakamoto been?” Shiho asked after a deep drink of water.
“Oh, uh,” Ann stumbled to find something to say. They hadn’t been doing too much together outside of killing shadows in the strange, presumably endless subway that Morgana had called Mementos. Ann wasn’t certain if fighting shadows was the same as spending leisure time with friends. “I’m not sure. I haven’t been hanging out with them too much.”
Shiho tilted her head, a skeptical look in her eye, “I thought you said you were talking to them after school.”
“R-Right, but…” Ann stumbled a bit to realign her omission of Phantom Thief activities with her real afternoons spent killing shadows and chatting with Akira, Ryuji, and Morgana in safe rooms. Despite fighting by their sides for hours at a time, Ann still felt rather distant from them. Akira and Ryuji were hardly ever seen apart and Morgana went wherever Akira went out of necessity. Sometimes Ann felt out of place beside them outside of the Metaverse. On the other hand, they were a fully-fledged team now, with a name, an MO, and a leader, and it really did seem like all three of them were trying to include her in everyday non-thief related activities. Being anything less than close after numerous shared near-death experiences did seem a little odd. Perhaps she could do her part to change that?
“We’ve all been busy lately. You know?” Ann eventually said, unable to even believe herself.
“Oh…” Shiho hummed softly and frowned. “Ann?”
“Yes?” Ann perked up, hoping she could do something to bring her smile back.
“I think you should spend more time with them,” Shiho laid her hand over Ann’s. “It can’t be any fun spending your afternoons in a hospital.”
Many of Ann’s afternoons were spent in the hospital. She’d often sat by Shiho’s side, doing most of the talking to let Shiho rest and to give her something of the outside world to combat the emptiness of white walls that surrounded them. She watched Shiho gradually sit up more, talk more, and eat more. Her soft smiles still made Ann’s heart skip a beat and Ann hoped that one day Shiho would smile as freely as she once had.
There was so much Ann wanted to tell her, from what she’d been doing to appease Kamoshida to how she was disappointed in herself for keeping secrets. Ann wanted to tell her how much she loved her, but she didn’t, not in the way she wanted to. Ann had always used the word love for trivial things. She loved sweets, she loved clothes, she loved music, and art, and romantic comedies. She loved fashion and she loved modeling for all the ways it made her feel closer to her parents. She loved Shiho and she often told her so, but she never let Shiho know just how much she actually loved her. It was easier to say she loved everything than to truly speak from the heart. Ann could hide behind her overuse of the word and hope Shiho never caught on. Shiho needed a best friend and that was enough for Ann.
“I don’t know,” Shiho continued, with a shake of her head when Ann didn’t speak, “You all seemed so lonely last time I saw any you.”
“You saw me yesterday!”
“And you seemed lonely then too!” Shiho stressed, “Besides, I think you all could be really good friends.”
Ann shook her head, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I’m just basing that off of what you told me, is all.” Shiho smiled hesitantly and shrugged, her eyes flickering down to observe her leg brace, “You’re just so… uniquely good, Ann. Everybody needs someone who understands what they’re going through and I’d thought we’d be able to do that for them. We were all getting left behind, in a way. I tried to talk to Kurusu once, but I was in such a bad place at the time, I don’t think I did much good. Plus, I thought Sakamoto was awfully nice back in middle school. Funny too.”
“More like he just had no filter,” Ann giggled, “Still doesn’t.”
“See!” Shiho smiled a little wider. She leaned in a little closer to nudge Ann’s shoulder with her own. “I like hearing about what you guys talk about. I wanna hear more! Does Sakamoto still have that stuffed dolphin from the aquarium?”
Ann smiled a little wider. “He does! I reminded him about the money he still owes me for the train fare and he finally told me that the dolphin was a present for his mom.”
Shiho winced, “Oh, Ann, it was only 500 yen.”
“It was a lot of money to me back then!”
“And what were you going to spend it on?” Shiho asked, “You got your allowance right after that trip and spent it all taking me to the movies.”
“More candy from the movie theater!”
Shiho gravely nodded. “Oh, you’re absolutely right. My mistake.”
They laughed together. It felt good to laugh.
-
Ann took Shiho’s request to heart and began to seek Akira out to spend time with him. She needed someone to help her strengthen her heart, after all. Ann wanted to be more like Shiho. She wanted to be a better person, a stronger person so that she could help those who needed her, Shiho most of all.
Unsurprisingly, Akira remained a wonderful confidant for her. She felt like she could tell him anything and he’d listen. However, the more he helped her, the more Ann wondered if she would be able to do the same for him and the rest of her teammates. It felt wrong to ask them to help her improve herself while they struggled in silence. Not being able to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on had been her least favorite consequence of receding into herself over the years.
Ann had met both Shiho and Ryuji in middle school. She and Shiho had become fast friends, while Ryuji tried to get close to her in the same way he tried to befriend everyone else, by being the loudest person in the room. Unfortunately, Ann had already begun closing herself off by the time Ryuji decided to befriend her. She purposefully kept to herself, hoping to avoid snide remarks and backhanded compliments by keeping her friend group small. Despite this, Shiho welcomed him to conversations between classes with open arms. Surprisingly, he felt close enough to Ann to seek her out after their field trip to the aquarium and ask her for train fare to borrow. She handed the money over begrudgingly. Ryuji promised to pay her back.
The interaction had taken place so close to summer break, that by the time they returned to school Ryuji had seemingly forgotten he’d borrowed money from her at all and Ann couldn’t say she remembered either.
Once they reached high school, if asked, Ann wouldn’t have said they’d ever been friends; maybe friendly acquaintances at best. Then, he’d come to school with a broken leg and whispers fluttered around the halls suggesting that he’d gotten into a fight with a teacher who had to defend themself. She kept her distance even after she learned the teacher in question had been Kamoshida, but not for a lack of wanting to speak with him. Ryuji had changed, receding into himself and snapping at anything that moved. The school had a new target and Ann couldn’t find a way in without increasing the rumors for both of them.
She had less history with Akira. Akira transferred the next year and his reputation had already taken a nosedive before he even entered the building. Ann hated to admit she’d been swept up in the hysteria alongside the rest of the school. She’d smiled at him when they’d met under an awning to get away from the rain on his first day of class. She hadn’t recognized him, but she didn’t make the connection between an unfamiliar face and the infamous transfer student with a criminal record.
She felt guilty having let herself be swayed by the crowd, blatantly ignoring him when he came in late and lied about the reason why. He hadn’t been sick. She’d seen him that morning. Now, she wondered why she’d even cared. Whatever happened wasn’t her business and he didn’t deserve to be treated poorly for it.
Her biggest regret was being too afraid to speak up against it because of the possibility it could make her a bigger target. She didn’t want to be that kind of person anymore.
At her confession, Akira and Ryuji admitted that they hadn’t been innocent either. They had fallen in line with what rumors they had overheard about her too. It was hard not to believe them when the student body practically drilled their legitimacy into your head. So, after a few awkward apologies, they swore to put it all behind them.
She still heard rumors making the rounds of the school about Akira and Ryuji, especially now that it was clear the school’s two biggest delinquents were virtually inseparable. It was horribly ironic that neither boy acted much like a delinquent once you actually got to know them. After Kamoshida was taken away in handcuffs, the rumors only grew. There was a slew of accusations of blackmail and namecalling and Ann felt like they had a lot in common in that regard.
Rumors still popped up about Ann, and even Shiho, on occasion, but a few classmates had come to apologize to her when Kamoshida confessed. Their apologies never sat right with her. They felt hollow and hypocritical when those same people still thrived off baseless rumors about her friends.
So, Ann decided to add something new to her training regimen. If there were rumors, the rumors would be about all three of them. When she let herself simply exist, casting aside the walls she’d put up and sitting with her new friends in the courtyard for lunch, Ann felt like she belonged there. She could smile too wide and laugh too loud without having to worry. She could tease and poke fun and they’d do the same right back. It felt good to be understood, to be wanted and Ann despised that her friends didn’t always feel the same.
Ann had started believing that she could strengthen her heart, and in addition, Carmen’s abilities, if she could let the comments she heard about herself roll off of her without letting them bother her. Although, she wasn’t certain how to do such a thing and it seemed the same could be said for their tiny group. Perhaps it was a bit misguided to want to toss her hat into the ring and draw attention to herself and hopefully away from her friends, but Ann had never been the best strategist. She wanted Akira and Ryuji to be able to come to school knowing that Ann wouldn’t shrink under their school’s scrutiny. If more rumors took hold because she chose to be friends with them, so be it. She didn’t want to hide anymore.
In between classes, Ann would turn to face Akira so that they could talk. She’d gotten sick of hearing what their classmates had to say when they thought their target wasn’t listening. Akira took the rumors in stride, but she could see the slouch in his posture and the resigned look in his eyes on bad days. So, she resolved to drown it out with questions about notes she’d missed, discussions on where they’d sit for lunch, and if he’d be busy after class. Just asking to spend time with him put a smile on Akira’s face.
Being there for Ryuji turned out a little harder with him not being in the same class. So, she tried, whenever she could, to drag the attention onto herself. Ryuji was loud and obnoxious at the best of times, which made laying low nearly impossible for him. He still tried, of course. Ryuji normally rushed from his classroom to stand in the hall if he was planning to stick around campus. Ann knew how it felt to be separated from your best friend by different homerooms. There was a lot of sitting alone and avoiding eye contact with the classmates that hated you. So, after the stunning realization that Akira supposedly could not lose at crane games, Ann stood up the moment the final bell rang and beelined for Ryuji’s classroom next door.
Rumors had already cropped up speculating that Ann was leading the two boys on, but she took it in stride. If they had to brave the allegations of being Shujin’s delinquents, Ann would stand in solidarity. They knew what the truth was and that was all that mattered.
Ann burst into Ryuji’s classroom, excited to see that he was still shoving papers into his bag. “Ryuji!” she called and the boy whipped around to face her.
“Huh?”
She could feel the judgmental eyes of the other students still in the classroom. Ann soldiered on. “Come on. We’re going to the arcade. Akira bet me he can’t lose at crane games.”
“No way! That shit’s always rigged.”
Ann gestured toward the door. “Well, let’s go, because I need to see this with my own eyes.”
Ann wanted the world to see them for what they were. They were her friends. They were their classmates. They were people. She didn’t know if anyone would ever realize it, but she wanted Ryuji and Akira to at least be aware that she saw them that way. Just as Shiho had done for her.
At the arcade, they huddled around the machine, nearly pressed to the glass. She and Ryuji mocked Akira over his shoulder, attempting to distract him, throw him off his game, and hopefully prevent him from winning a third prize.
Of course, the third stuffed animal was dropped into the retrieval bin and Akira held it aloft, a smug grin plastered across his face, “Told you.”
He passed a stuffed bear to Ryuji and a stuffed dog to Ann. He kept the lopsided giraffe for himself.
“I don’t believe that!” Ryuji shouted, “How?!”
“It’s rigged,” Akira conceded, “They mess with the grip strength and the placement of stuffed animals. You have to know which ones to look for. It’s a technique and a bit of a gamble.”
“How’d you know you’d win every time?”
“I was bluffing and hoping I got lucky.”
Ann grinned as she watched them. Looking toward the machine, she tried to pinpoint another stuffed animal that was in just the right place. “Is that a Jack Frost?” She pressed her finger to the glass. The unmistakable visage of the little enemies they would stumble upon in the Metaverse that could sometimes pack a punch. Sometimes, she forgot that reality often affected the Metaverse.
“Oh, dude!” Ryuji cried, “We have to get that one.”
-
“What’s up with you?” Ryuji had asked one afternoon, closing up the empty containers he had packed his lunch into. “You’ve never wanted to hang out with me this much.”
Ann had never learned the art of subtlety. It took a few weeks for either Akira or Ryuji to bring it up, but they had caught on to the fact that something had changed early on.
“What are you talking about?” Ann responded defensively, a little embarrassed. “I want to hang out with my friends.”
“You should feel grateful, Ryuji,” Morgana purred smugly, “that Lady Ann would grace you with her presence at all.”
Ann reached across the table and scratched Morgana behind the ears. “Stop it. You’re just trying to get a rise out of him. Anyway, like I said, shopping after school today. Yes or no?”
“Ryuji’s not wrong,” Akira said, twisting a finger around his frizzy curls. “I didn’t know you last year so I can’t say whether there’s a difference, but… has something been on your mind? Did something happen?”
Ann frowned and crossed her arms over the table. Something had been on her mind.
Ann liked to think she was a good person. She liked to think she was worthy of every kind word Shiho attributed to her. She liked to think that being a Phantom Thief was what she was meant to do, but she often wondered if she was just being selfish. She wondered if looking for people in Mementos was about helping other people or about helping herself. She wondered if forging closer bonds was for her friends' benefit or her own. Was it selfish to think (to hope) that they wanted her around or for her to want them around? Was it selfish to try to make them smile, to make Shiho smile, because seeing it made her smile? Sometimes it was difficult embracing her place beside the three of them and Shiho when she still felt so guilty about everything she couldn’t control.
She’d think in circles if she kept going and she wouldn’t find her answer. But, she knew one thing for certain. She wanted to be for other people what Shiho had always been for her.
“You’re my friends. I like you guys a lot and I want you to know that.” Ann smiled softly, “...And I guess I’ve been a little lonely and I don’t want you guys to feel that way.”
Akira smiled back, “Me too.”
“...Wasn’t expecting that,” Ryuji muttered and awkwardly rubbed at the back of his neck. He looked past her at the vending machines, avoiding looking her in the eye, “But… same here, I guess.”
“We’re a team,” Morgana chimed in, “We look out for each other.”
Yes, Ann thought, we do.
-
Sitting on Shiho’s bed, Ann held out her phone and flipped through the photos she’d taken that week. Most of them were of Morgana, some while he was tucked away in Akira’s bag and others while sitting tall and proud because he’d noticed Ann snapping a picture. Ann much preferred the candid shots, but as a cat, it was difficult for anything Morgana did not to come across as endearing in the end. Ryuji didn’t share the same sentiment, but hey, he was probably just jealous Morgana wasn’t cuddly with him too.
Shiho chuckled quietly at yet another image of Morgana poking his head out from Akira’s bag, mid-meow. “I can’t believe he keeps getting away with bringing that cat to school.”
“I know right!?” Ann flipped to another picture, this one of Ryuji and Morgana glaring at each other during their lunch period in the courtyard, Morgana perched on the table so he could be sure to glare Ryuji straight in the eye. “But Morgana’s a smart kitty. He knows when to hide.”
“Still,” Shiho shook her head, but Ann could tell that she was impressed. “Hey, Ann?”
“Yep?” Ann pulled her phone back to skip the photos she’d taken of Akira’s notes to find the picture she’d taken of the parfait she’d gotten that had been designed to look like a bear, with little wafers for ears.
“I’m really glad you were able to find them.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
Shiho shrugged. “I was worried that you’d be lonely when I moved away.”
“Oh, right,” Ann murmured, “Have your parents picked a day for the move?”
Ann had been spending quite a bit of time ignoring the fact that Shiho would not return to Shujin and would be moving out of the city altogether. She dreaded the possibility of never seeing her best friend again and so she had pushed the thought to the back of her mind. It felt safer to avoid the situation than to come to terms with what it might mean for them. Ann felt like she had just gotten her back and now she was leaving. She felt incredibly selfish for it and not at all as strong as she had promised she would be.
“Not yet,” Shiho sighed, “but they’re looking at houses somewhere in the countryside now. I’m not sure where they’re planning on picking though.”
“Akira’s from the countryside,” Ann said, searching for a positive spin, “I doubt the towns are all the same, but he says where he’s from can be super peaceful.”
“Yeah,” Shiho said and weakly huffed a laugh through her nose, “and there’s never anything to do… But maybe boring is what I need.” Shiho wrapped her arm around Ann’s. She pulled Ann closer, leaning her head down on her shoulder. “I don’t think I can go back to Shujin, but I was so scared you’d have no one who understood you. I’m just really happy that’s not the case.”
Ann blinked as tears burned her eyes, “I’ll be strong, I promise. I know you’re not leaving yet, but… I’m gonna still miss you.” In her grief, she choked back the words ‘I love you’.
Shiho nodded, “I’ll miss you too.”