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It’s not Taako’s fault.
There are few times where he can say that honestly, but this is one of them.
It’s a bittersweet victory, knowing that it wasn’t his fault those people died while also knowing Sazed hated him enough to frame him for murder.
But that’s a trauma for another day.
Taako carries this weight with him all the way home from Refuge, and if Magnus and Merle notice him acting strangely, they don’t point it out. He doesn’t blame them. It’s easy to get lost in the chaos of pride and admiration.
They don’t notice as he hangs back for the majority of the celebration, only offering a few choice words and the occasional joke. It’s all the energy he can muster right now, when he wants nothing more from the world than to be able to curl up and sleep off the day.
He would think no one had noticed, but he keeps noticing Avi sending glances his way. He doesn’t come over and talk, but not for lack of trying. It’s just that every time he makes a move, he ends up getting swept up by the crowd and eventually dragged back to right where he started.
Taako doesn’t get away from it for long, though. When it’s time to finally leave, Avi has him all but cornered.
He stops Taako before he can climb into the pod, a soft but firm hand against his chest. “Hey, buddy.” His eyes are soft, comforting. There’s no doubt he knows something’s off. “How are you?”
Taako blinks heavily, trying to look as cute as possible. “Tired, ’Vi.” It’s not the first time he’s lied about being little, and it definitely won’t be the last, but he’s always delighted to see just how well that trick works. He’s like Schrodinger’s regressor, and anyone that tries pushing the issue at hand won’t know until he starts crying.
Avi smiles softly. “Get into the pod, kiddo. We’ll be home soon.”
Hearing this, Merle and Magnus offer their sympathies as well. Magnus reaches over to stroke his hair, and Merle pats his knee, actions that he tries not to lean into.
Okay, maybe he is the tiniest bit regressed, but can you blame him after all the times he’s died in the past few hours?
“It’s been a long day, huh?” Merle says.
No one knows what the chalice showed him. All he has to do is keep that shit locked up deep inside and he’ll be sitting pretty.
The worst thing is that a part of him doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t know when that started being a thing he felt, but he wishes the chalice would’ve shown him that instead. He would’ve said yes in a heartbeat.
Gods, he hates feelings. And caring for people. And especially caring for people so much you feel obligated to share your feelings. It’s gross. 0/10.
But no one pushes him. Sure, he gets a couple concerned side glances that he might describe as “fussing,” but Merle and Magnus do nothing other than calmly walk beside him as they exit the pod and slowly make their way back to their room.
In a way, that’s almost worse. He would’ve preferred an outside voice nagging at him so he could ignore it, instead of this dumb inner voice reminding him how much he would like to talk about it.
He hates it. He hates it with every fiber of his being.
As they pile into the elevator and the stink of Magnus’s BO hits him full-force, the weight of everything starts creeping in. He should at the very least say something, shouldn’t he? At least something small, it’s not like they have to know his full backstory or anything, but they should at least know about why he’s been so hesitant to cook for them.
The elevator doors open. Magnus and Merle step out. They’re talking, but the words don’t make a sound. Why is his heart racing? What’s there even to be nervous about?
They’re getting away. They’re going… going… Say something, Taako. Anything!
“So uh…” Taako trails off. He shoves his hands in his pockets, trying to look casual and at least somewhat adult. “You guys mind if I cook tomorrow?”
The two of them turn back to him. The chasm of space between them shrinks back into the handful of paces it actually is. He hopes his cheeks aren’t noticeably burning. Yeah, they’d probably just chalk it up to him being a mixture of tiny and clingy and very, very tired, but he’s not a baby!
“You want to…” Merle trails off. “Uh, sure. Any reason why?”
“You’ve always seemed a little scared.” Magnus adds.
“I’m not scared.” Taako replies. It’s a knee-jerk reaction to say as much, like he’s being challenged, but maybe he is scared. That’s why his stomach is already twisted in knots, isn’t it? “It’s just… some tough shit went down a while back, and I thought I killed some fools with my cooking. You know how it is.”
He tries to keep his tone casual, but Magnus still makes that face. That one that makes him look like a sad puppy because he’s oh-so sympathetic to Taako’s situation. The worst part that it’s completely genuine. Taako doesn’t think he could pull a face like that if he tried. “And that’s what the chalice showed you, isn’t it?”
Busted.
But Taako is nothing if not stubborn, so he responds the only way he knows how. “Actually it showed me that time you took me out for ice cream and added Dragon’s Breath Hot Sauce as a topping.”
“You had fun!” Magnus says, but his conviction fades as quickly as it appeared. “Before you started throwing up.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Mags.” Taako says. “I just…” He trails off, glaring into the distance. “I just don’t like cooking for people I’m not ready to lose, alright?”
“And you’re telling us because you want to do something about it?” Merle asks. It’s exactly the kind of pressure he needs—external. It makes it so much easier to push away.
“Yes—no. Mind your own business.” Which is probably the worst answer, surely an admission of guilt, considering Merle’s reaction.
“Aww, bud!” Merle coos. He reaches for Taako, but Taako swats his hand away.
“Do not,” he warns, jabbing a finger in Merle’s face for emphasis. He refuses to admit that Merle cooing at him might have been the final push he needed to spend the rest of the evening tiny.
Merle holds up his hands, relenting. “Fine, fine.”
But of course Magnus, ever the peacekeeper, has to step in. “Hey, that’s okay. If you need to move past… whatever the Relic showed you, that’s okay. If you wanna cook or even if you just wanna talk about it. Either way, we’re here for you.”
Taako hates that soft voice Magnus uses, full of conviction that everything will be okay. More than that, he hates that he finds himself buying into it. “Maybe something small,” he relents. That way there was no chance of a lethal dosage.
“Hey, perfect! Baby steps!” Magnus reminds him.
“Big baby steps.” Merle amends. “For a big baby.”
Taako glares, affirming that his joke wasn’t nearly as funny as he thought it was.
Magnus keeps talking, like Merle hadn’t even made the joke. “Yeah, you could make something small, like cookies!”
If it were anyone else, Taako would think Magnus was just trying to wheedle cookies out of him. But with Magnus, it’s all about helping his friend. Cookies are just an added bonus.
Taako allows himself to smile. “I don’t do requests, punkin.”
“Okay…” Magnus trails off, waving his hand vaguely. “But what if you did?”
“And say they were velvet cookies with white chocolate chips!” Merle adds. “Because, hypothetically, those are my favorite.”
“Then, hypothetically, you’d be disappointed.” Taako responds. He can feel the pit in his stomach closing up. Magnus and Merle make it so easy.
But that doesn’t stop Magnus and Merle. If anything, him smiling is just a go-ahead for them to keep pestering him.
“Goodnight, my dudes.” He pauses in front of his door, struck with the sudden realization that he’s about to be left alone with his thoughts and anxieties for the entire night. How many times will he talk himself in and out of cooking? Or worse, how many times will he tell himself it’s a better idea to run away, change his name and appearance, and never open up to anyone ever again? Because admittedly, he’s considered it once or twice before.
The answer is obvious; he should just ask to stay around Magnus or Merle before he gets too far into his head. But that’s a stunt he can pull only when he’s feeling small. Stupid as it may sound, he’s never sure where he stands with them in his adult headspace, and his pride only ensures he doubles the distance between them for safety purposes.
“You know, hypothetically, if you were feeling anxious about tomorrow, we could all stay out here for the night.” Magnus offers. He and Merle are lingering in the center of the common room.
Taako takes a short breath, saying a silent goodbye to the last of his pride. “I think, hypothetically, if I were like, a sap and a sucker, I’d appreciate that a lot.”
“Well, thank Pan that isn’t the case.” Merle says. “You know how I can’t stand that sappy shit. I’m gonna get the booze.”
Taako wakes up first.
Despite the whiskey still in his system and the admitted comfort of becoming Magnus’s personal cuddle buddy against his will, his brain nudges him awake as soon as possible.
He slips out of Magnus’s arms, careful not to wake him or Merle, who is on the floor right beside them, and creeps into the kitchen.
So this was it, huh? He grips the sides of the counter, trying to find some clarity in a few well-timed deep breaths. He can’t tell if he’s relieved or terrified. Because as much as he’s scared, he’s missed cooking a lot. Even before Sizzle It Up, he can remember cooking every day on the road. A rueful smile comes to his face as he remembers how he always made enough for two, even when the meal was just for him. He never was good at sizing portions right.
He moves as quietly as possible as he shuffles around various pots and pans. Another memory rushes through his mind, the last time he’d had to be quiet in a kitchen. Gods, he was just an elfling then, barely tall enough to see over the counter.
He’d been traveling with some group of adventurers, the details escape him, but he’d been working under the cook. He’d wait late into the night, when everyone else was asleep, and sneak into the empty kitchen. The cook always tracked his ingredients, but not as diligently as he claimed, so Taako could make some things, but not much. A cookie here, a scone there, maybe a pie if the cook was really off his game.
Taako works mindlessly, focusing on being quiet while his mind wanders.
Maybe it’s his brain going into defense mode, taking him down Memory Lane to keep him from thinking about Glamour Springs. Still, there’s something niggling at the back of his mind, almost like he’s forgotten something. Weird.
“Morning, you.”
“Hey, Mags.” Taako glances over his shoulder to see that Merle isn’t with him. “Merle still sleeping?”
“Yeah, I thought you might not want an audience if you’re about to start—unless you want the moral support. Do you want me to get him?”
Taako suppresses an eye roll. Of course Magnus is fussing, he doesn’t know why he’s even surprised. He wonders if Magnus knows just how much he needs that right now. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m a big boy, Maggie. I don’t need everyone hovering while I cook.”
“I know.” Magnus admits. “You just seem… I don’t know, antsy? So like, you don’t have to regress, but if you need to regress, that’s okay too.”
“Fine, fine.” Taako waves him off, trying to act casual. “Now no more tiny talk and I’ll let you lick the spoon.”
It works like a charm. Magnus keeps him good company, chatting about nonsense that doesn’t matter, and it really does set up a soothing rhythm. Taako almost forgets what he’s doing. Almost.
The cooking has never been the problem. Cooking comes as natural to him as breathing. No, the fear sets it when it comes to the serving. Even with people he doesn’t care about—or at least he claims not to care about—he always has that stomach-dropping feeling of watching them take the first bite, like it’s only a matter of time before they retching, their faces going blue as they struggle for those last few breaths and Taako has to leave and start all over and—
“Taako?”
Taako snaps upright, forcing his body to shut down and go still. No matter how you slice it, hyperventilating into an oven won’t exactly inspire confidence in a worrywart like Magnus.
“Have you seen the inside of this oven?” Taako asks. It’s halfway between a joke and an attempt to sound serious, and it fails at being either.
“Come here.” Magnus pulls Taako into his lap, hugging him tight around the waist. Taako half-heartedly whines and tries to squirm away, but it’s more for his image than anything. Can’t have Magnus thinking he’s half-small and completely dependent on cuddles—even if it’s the truth. “Everything will be okay. I promise.”
“Well, duh. I know that, Mags. I wouldn’t have asked for this if that was the case. Can’t have y’all’s blood on my hands. I’d be the prime suspect.”
But Magnus doesn’t take the bait. He remains calm, his voice soft and soothing. “What’d you make for us?”
Taako’s lower lip trembles. “M-macaroons. They should be done soon.”
Coincidentally, that’s the exact second Merle decides to poke his head in the kitchen. “Hey, did I hear something about the food almost being done?”
“Right,” Magnus says, an eyebrow arched in disbelief. “Because you totally weren’t faking being asleep.”
“Exactly! And Taako totally didn’t wake me up hours ago.”
Magnus rolls his eyes while Taako giggles, his spirits significantly higher than they were a few seconds ago. Magnus has a way of comforting him, yes, but Merle does too, and Taako appreciates them both immensely, especially when the oven timer goes off.
His heart races as he removes the baking sheet, his mind unable to quiet. What if in five minutes, the two most important people in his life won’t be here anymore? What if he messed up again, pulled some freaky accidental magic and transmuted the vanilla extract into arsenic? He has to recheck, make them again, maybe even try one himself.
“They’re better if you wait a day or two.” Taako suddenly remembers. Maybe he can buy himself some extra time, maybe make them all over again later when no one’s watching. Or maybe he can just throw them out and pray they forget.
But it’s too late. Merle already right beside him, grubby hands out and ready. “Well, I’m impatient and don’t care about your fancy-schmancy cooking techniques. Hand ‘em over.”
Taako hates that his eyes instinctively flit to Magnus, begging for an out. He hates how Magnus gives him a little encouraging nod, like he’s just a shy kid that needs help coming out of his shell. More than anything, he hates how well that works.
“Fine.” With a dramatic roll of his eyes, Taako hands Merle a macaroon. “Just don’t blame me when you croak, home slice.”
Merle waves him off, happily shoving the entire macaroon in his mouth as he trots over to his seat.
“Jeez, are you even gonna chew?” Taako says. It’s an excuse for watching Merle like a hawk, just to make sure he doesn’t start showing any signs of poisoning. Even if it’s nightshade, even if it’s arsenic, maybe if he reacts quickly enough, he won’t have to lose another person.
Suddenly Merle’s eyes widen, and he gives a strangled cough before collapsing under the table.
Taako’s body goes ice cold. “Emmy!”
Merle pops up as if nothing is wrong, a grin on his face and a shiny piece of gold in his hand. “Look! Someone dropped a gold coin under here! Mine now!”
“Not funny!” Taako snaps. Tears are threatening the corners of his eyes, but he guesses Merle’s little stunt did the trick, because he’s definitely in headspace now. “Not funny at all!”
Magnus snickers. “Merle’s in trouble,” he singsongs.
“Aww, I’m sorry, buddy. That was a little mean.” He moves to pat Taako’s head, but Taako smacks his hand away before he gets the chance. He’s pouting up a storm.
“Get bent.” Taako moves into Maggie’s lap, mostly to make a point, but he won’t deny the comfort it gives him as well.
“They’re really good!” Merle tries, but the only response he gets is Taako sticking his tongue out at him.
“You deserve that.” Magnus says. He reaches for a macaroon of his own, but not before checking in on Taako. “You ready?” he asks.
Taako nods, not trusting his own voice. He can practically feel himself shifting into his “I’m scared and I’m little” voice, which is unbearably whiny even to his own ears.
Still, Magnus takes being stared down by a petrified five-year-old with a champ, smiling as he finishes his macaroon. “See? Nothing wrong.”
Taako clasps his hands in his lap, trying to still their shaking. Sure, Maggie says that, but sometimes it takes a few minutes for the poison to start doing its job. He remembers one of the audience members from Glamour Springs, a human woman, who had to watch people drop like flies all around her. She was one of the last things Taako saw as Sazed drove off, a dying woman screaming for help that was far too late to matter.
“I’m definitely gonna have another.” Magnus agrees.
“Same here.”
As they reach for the macaroon plate, Taako gets another flash of Glamour Springs, hungry hands reaching for samples of chicken. He’d had a feeling something was wrong, but why didn’t he act on it? He’s dwelled on that moment so much, it’s only natural for him to see it intertwine with reality.
“No!” Taako’s hand shoots out to stop them. One macaroon might not kill them, but two certainly will. Even if he traded out something minor, there’d be no going back, no chance of saving them then.
“Hey.” Magnus rubs his back in slow, soothing circles. “It’s okay. There’s no poison in them.”
“You don’t know that!”
“I do, actually.” Magnus answers. “Because I know you’re careful and you’d never make that mistake. But if you wanna make sure…”
Nope. No, nope. Taako’s tapping out. Once is enough. Taako catches Magnus’s massive wrist in both hands and forces it back against his chest. “No more!”
“But Merle’s already had four!” Magnus protests.
“Emmy!” Taako whirls on him, giving his angriest look. He knows it’s not particularly scary, but he doesn’t appreciate Emmy outright laughing at him either!
“I’m sorry, kiddo!” Merle laughs as he says it, showing how not sorry he really is. “Come on, we trust you! We know you’d never poison us!”
He’s glad someone trusts him, because he certainly doesn’t trust himself. And maybe he doesn’t trust himself… but he does trust Maggie and Em. And if they think it’s going to be okay, that means it has to be, right?
“Maybe just one more…” Taako concedes. After all, Emmy hasn’t dropped dead yet. So it should be okay. At the very least, it means the poison isn’t fast-acting, and he can get them both help if he needs to.
Before he has time to second-guess himself, Magnus and Merle grab two each, all the while praising him for being such a brave boy. He’s not sure about “brave,” considering how much time he’s spent scared shitless, but if they want to heap on the praise for nothing, he isn’t going to stop them.
The next hour is spent under strict observation, with Taako clutching his Stone of Farspeech in his fist, waiting for any trace of illness in his friends. No additional food or drink is allowed, so unfortunately they aren’t able to pilfer any more macaroons while Taako’s back is turned—Taako learned his lesson on that the first time.
“You did really good, Taako!” Magnus says. He’s absolutely refused to let Taako leave his lap, as if cuddling him nonstop is going to ease his anxieties (it will). Even Merle has joined in, and Taako has decided he’s forgiven for the whole “pretending to die” schtick.
“Very brave, buddy.” Merle agrees.
“Think you’d be up to trying again?” Magnus’s smile turns a little impish. “Maybe with some Turkish Delight?”
“Or chocolate cake!” Merle adds.
Taako whines and buries his face into Magnus’s shoulder. He doesn’t even want to think about next time, not until his heart has had a chance to recover.
Magnus laughs. “Maybe in a couple weeks, huh?”
Taako’s lucky his face is hidden, otherwise it’d be obvious how much he’s scheming. How can he extend that time to a month, or maybe even a month and a half? And how to limit their portions so they’re not sneaking extra bites? This won’t be easy, especially considering who he’s dealing with.
Taako dares peeking out from Maggie’s shoulder to look at them both. They’re watching him warmly, stroking his hair, thumbing his shoulder, and it finally hits him that he did it.
He cooked for someone—two someones, even—that he cared about and no one got hurt. He got through the cooking without a panic attack and even if he didn’t get through the eating the best, he still got through it.
Usually he just drops off food and dips, because even if he doesn’t care about the person eating, the idea of watching someone else die at the hands of his cooking is enough to make him nauseous with worry.
If Maggie and Em stuck with him, he thinks it’ll all be just fine.