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It doesn’t make sense. To put it plain and simple, there is just no way to comprehend it. I can become one of the greatest magic holders anyone’s ever heard of and yet I can’t understand why I look at Miss Swan like this. It’s like a cruel joke on myself, like something I would have done to some unsuspecting peasant. Well, I would have had more flare, but that’s besides the point.
I wouldn’t say that I want to go back to when I couldn’t look at Emma without my blood boiling as hot as lava, but that was so much simpler. Everything I had done, and tried to do, to Snow was child’s play compared to what I had wanted to do to Miss Swan.
But now, I want to do very different things with her…
No, that’s wrong. But then why does my heart flutter every time she meets my gaze? Why does my heart feel like it’s grown so large the only way to give it enough room in my chest is to rip it out? Why can’t I ever look away when she enters a room?
Am I allowed to look at her like that
When I let her become friends with me… when I became her friend, it didn’t mean this big of a change. I’d say I’m kind of friends with the Charmings of all people and there’s no way in hell I’d be ever looking at them like how I look at their daughter. Wow, that sounded creepy, okay, nope. Being friends doesn’t mean this… does it? Being a good person doesn’t mean being completely blown off my feet every time she smiles at me.
Could it be wrong
But then again, there’s not a blonde alive with hair that looks so beautiful and soft, hair I want to run my fingers through. There’s no other eyes so green I want to get lost in them like the Infinite Forest.
When she's just so nice to look at
…
Isn’t it crazy to think about that one of the times I’ve been physically the closest to Emma was over the turnover? Yeah, of course I was devastated too, to say the least. But is it bad that that’s not the only thing I think about when I think of that heartbreaking day?
In that hospital closet, I’m not sure her and I have ever stood so close. Chest to chest, I could feel her ragged breaths, I could even smell her.
And she smells like lemongrass and sleep
I do have to say, I did not know what sleep smelled like until I smelled her. And I swear there is not a better aroma in all the lands. And there’s nowhere else or any other time I’ve had the privilege to take in that fragrance again.
…
I no less than slammed myself into the stupidly uncomfortable bar chair, honestly how can Granny not afford better seating? It’s not like anyone dines anywhere else.
Emma actually had the audacity to smirk at me, “bad day?” Before she took a sip of her drink. God, I need one of those. No, that’s for a bad day, I need something stronger.
My only reply was, “I need a shot,” while I tried to flag down the waitress who for some reason was anywhere and everywhere but the bar. Figures.
“Wow,” Miss Swan commented, “more like an awful day, huh?” She prodded. Though I rolled my eyes, I still had to actively push down that inevitable warmth growing in me whenever she asks how my day was. It’s like I inhaled fire like Maleficent, but this flame is almost burning me inside out.
When yet again the waitress somehow did not notice me trying to get my alcohol fix, Emma slid her glass over to me. At my questioning look, she shrugged, “you need it more than I do.”
I downed the glass in one sip, but I didn’t taste the alcohol. No, it didn’t taste like how Granny’s shitty drinks usually do. It tastes like her, like Emma.
She tastes like apple juice and peach
I do have to say, apples have never tasted better. And I’ve had a lot of apples.
…
Pressing the paper to my chest, I tried to force the air into my lungs, attempting to make my shaky breaks to be more even. No matter how frayed the edges are or how wrinkled the photo is, nothing could truly tarnish it. Yeah, it’s not the ideal photo, she didn’t even know but was being taken. But if she had known, I’m sure she wouldn’t have smiled like this… so genuine, so purely happy. So light and free.
Oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture
I don’t know how to not have these feelings, to put it bluntly. She’s so much more than I ever let myself want, could ever even let myself hope for. But… she’s just everything. When the entire town turned against me again and again she stuck by my side, she always hears me out. Even when the evidence stacks against me she never stops believing.
For someone who insists they don’t make hope speeches, she is pretty damn hopeful.
Even when I tried to destroy her, even when I attempted to put a sleeping curse on her, she still wants to be my friend. It has to be wrong to want more than that when I don’t even deserve acquaintanceship let alone friendship. But she still sought out friendship, even when I blamed her for ruining my life.
And she...
Means everything to me
God, I haven’t felt like this in forever… since Daniel. But with him, it was like my heart was broken glass, like if you got to close you’d only be cut. Not having him was a suffocation, leaving me alive just enough to bring me to insanity.
But Emma, my dear Miss Swan, she’s like reaching out your hand towards happiness. She’s like stretching towards it and your fingers just barely graze the surface, just enough for a taste. But no matter how far you reach out you can never get a full grasp, never more than a teasing taste.
Oh, oh
I'd never tell
No, I'd never say a word
And oh, it aches
But it feels oddly good to hurt
…
Throat closed, eyes burning, tears drip drip dripping down my face… does everyone see how broken I am? Burying my head in my hands I did not bother trying to even out my ragged breathing, just letting myself fall apart. As if I wasn’t already in a million pieces.
There was a knock at the door. Damn it. “Hey Regina,” she did not wait for me to respond before opening my office door. “Henry left his phone at my- what happened?” It only took one look at me to see past the quick mask I tried to put up. Though I forced a look at annoyance towards her, I could not wipe away the tears fast enough.
My voice hardened, “the least you can do is wait until I give permission before barging into my office,” I willed my voice to not crack.
She completely ignored my protest, because of course she did, “what's wrong? Did something happen?” Concern filled her voice and god I don’t deserve it.
How can I tell her that this happens sometimes. That sometimes knowing no matter how much I want her that she’ll never want me just… breaks me. That even if she did want me somehow, it would never work. Villains never get their happy endings.
Her voice softened as she stepped closer to my desk, “you can talk to me, we are friends after all.” If she weren’t here, more tears would have fallen.
I forced a deep breath in and out, “I’m fine, Miss Swan.” Please just go…
But she did not go, instead she stepped even closer to me, coming around my desk. Before I could ask what she was doing, she leaned forward and pulled me into a hug. I froze so fast it was like Ingrid had turned me to ice. She was so gentle yet so secure.
And she smells like lemongrass and sleep
Despite the awkward position she was in, she still held me. We stayed like that until it felt like my broken pieces were starting to fuse back together.
…
God I should not have every time I eat one of my apples taste like… no, it’s wrong. I wasn’t even supposed to- she wasn’t supposed to… god everything’s so messed up. She was not supposed to lose her magic.
Not over me.
Yes, of course I know it was a long time ago and she’s long since got her magic back but like… she had been willing to give up everything, she had been willing to lose to Zelena of all people just to save me. Just to give me damn CPR of all things when I couldn’t get myself out of the stupid water. Is it bad that what lasted with me most was not that we could have lost, or that she saved my life, no that it was her lips?
She tastes like apple juice and peach
Is it bad that I want to taste it again? And not in a life or death situation, not when Emma feels like she has no choice? Is it bad to want for her to want me back? It has to be… right?
…
It’s like I’m back under the first curse, every day the same no matter how much I wish I could change it. Tt’s like it is just ingrained in me to hold the photo at least once a day. It’s not like I don’t see Miss Swan all the time, but that smile… she doesn’t smile at me like that.
Oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture
Yeah, the picture can’t really capture her , but it gets damn well close. I can’t very well let myself tear up every time I see Emma in person, no that’s for the quiet nights I spend alone. A piece of paper can’t show her laugh, how beautiful it is when she lets herself be free to be happy for even a moment, how beautiful it is to see her so light and free. Though she may have light magic, she’s never as light as when you can really see her laughing, hear it’s sweet sounds.
A photo can’t show how loving she is, that once she decides to let you in her walls there’s no easy way out. As if I’d ever want an out. That once she decides she likes you, it’s only something big to change that. And you’ll have to send me to Hell itself to make me want to do something to ruin how she sees me.
I may be able to use my own magic to capture images of her, but it’s never the same. Images don’t give me that warmth that embraces me every time she enters the room. They don’t have her sarcasm and wit.
And she...
Means everything to me
Oh-oh (ooh, ooh), ooh-oh
Oh-oh (ooh, ooh), ooh-oh
She would never love me though. At least, not like I love her. I’m lucky if she loves me at all after trying to take Henry from her and trying to put her under a sleeping curse and threatening her endless times. I’m lucky to even have the privilege to be her friend…
It’s not like I’m not used to it. I wouldn’t have destroyed a whole kingdom if I actually had felt loved. Yeah I had my father but that’s not the same, that wasn’t the kind of love I was missing and craving so much. But that’s all I am. The Evil Queen. Emma may have given me more chances than I deserve but that doesn’t mean she’ll want anything more to do with me.
And I'll be okay
Admiring from afar
'Cause even when she's next to me
We could not be more far apart
…
God, I wish I had had a drink tonight. At least then I would have something to blame my lapse of judgment on. Looking in those green eyes, I never knew I could fall in love with green, I could not help but be pulled closer. I swear I had been listening to her story, before I got distracted. She didn’t normally wear lipstick.
We were supposed to be working, because of course Storybrooke can’t last one single day without a new villain magically showing up, literally. We were supposed to be productive but that ended up more as funny stories and laughing together and god her laugh is the sweetest sound there ever is. She’s a symphony just in herself.
I didn’t give my mind time to stop myself, to think better, before I closed the gap on the couch between us. My lips on hers, and this time it wasn’t CPR.
And she tastes like birthday cake and story time and fall
The instant I realized how damn stupid I am, I immediately pulled back so fast it was like she burned me. She could have if she had wanted to. “I’m sorry,” I blurted out, scooching back on the couch. I ruined it, she’s going to hate me now if she didn’t before. “I’ll go,” I decided while standing up. It’s better I go now, before she finds the words for every hex and curse she can think of to put on me.
But to her
I taste of nothing at all
Before I could step away, her warm fingers were around my wrist. When I didn’t turn around she pulled me towards her as she stood up, “Regina, you don’t have to go. You just caught me off guard.”
Emma? Off guard? That’s new. “And that’s a bad thing?” I did not mean for it to come out as a question.
She actually smiled, she smiled at me. Oh my god she’s smiling at me, “I didn’t say I didn’t like it,” she closed what was left of the gap between us.
And she smells like lemongrass and sleep
This time, when were chest to chest all I felt was warm and god I haven’t felt like this since Daniel. The words came out of my mouth before I could stop myself, they’ve been bitten back for far too long. “I love you, Miss Swan.”
But she didn’t say it back. No, she stood here, eyes wide. For a second everything froze as if Ingrid was back. But then a smile grew on her face, and she whispered, “you too.” Though it’s not the words I’ve dreamed of hearing for far too long, that’s just not her. She doesn’t open up that easily, that quickly. Now that wouldn’t me my Emma. Is she mine?
She seemed to answer the question though, by moving somehow closer, kissing me softly but in no way without passion.
She tastes like apple juice and peach
…
My picture has long since left my side. Why need a picture when I have the real thing by my side? Why wish for that smile when all I have to do is look up and see her beaming at me?
Oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture
Arms wrapped around each other, legs entangled, we seemed to somehow breathe in sync. Without magic, without the Author or any other magic being, we are together. Lemongrass and sleep and god there’s no better aroma. When I’m sure she thought I was asleep, I heard her mumble something so soft that if I wasn’t pressed against her I’m sure I wouldn’t have heard it. “I love you.”
And she...
Means everything to me
Yes, she means everything to me
She means everything to me