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In hindsight, a surprise may not have been a good idea for someone with severe PTSD. Though, after Bucky took me to the ground, ring still held tightly in my hand, he seemed to realize what was going on. “You really are an idiot, Stevie,” he chuckled, still holding me against the ground.
I smirked back at him, “but I’m your idiot, now what do you say?” He loosened his grip just enough for me to hold the ring in front of his face so he can finally get a good look at it.
He actually rolled his eyes at me, “you did not get a vibranium bring for me,” though by the look on my face he knew the answer. It was a fairly simple band, though convincing Shuri was not quite so easy. Not that she wasn’t completely supportive of me proposing to Bucky, but she thought my design of just a simple engraved star being too boring. Though she did still give me the ring after way too much disagreeing. “What do you think, punk?” Was his answer, leaning down to kiss me.
I’ll gladly take that as a yes.
When the tallest trees aren’t tall enough
To climb away or rise above
I’m here
You know that I’m here
…
It always starts with his body tensing up, like he’s turned into a log. The thrashing doesn’t come until after I wake him up, never in aggression but in defense. Voice gentle, “hey, hey Buck it’s okay, you’re safe,” just a single touch on his flesh arm and he jolts awake. I’ve learned to brace myself for him to flip over me, holding me down so I can’t hurt him, so no one can ever hurt him ever again.
“It’s me, Bucky, it’s Steve. You’re safe here, we’re home in bed, you’re completely safe,” I’ll never be tired of reassuring him, even if I have to tell him every night for the rest of our days. I’ll tell him again and again, “I’m with you, till the end of the line,” even if he doesn’t believe me.
He never cries, no tears ever fall as he stares at me, his grip becoming more gentle until he ever so slowly lets me go. He never says a word, never explains his nightmares, never responds to anything I say until the images of his dream are long since faded.
He did not move away from me on our bed, but he did not move towards me either. Voice soft, I began to sing our song, I’m not sure where we heard it but Bucky fell in love with it as soon as he heard it the first time.
When you’ve forgotten how to sing along
When everything you knew was wrong
I’m here
I’m here
And I’ll always be here, through every nightmare and bad night.
…
Even after Shuri did her work with him, even after Cryo, even after it all he may be physically better, he may not be sent into Winter Soldier mode at the key words, he still can’t get past it all mentally. As to be expected after the years upon years of torture.
His hand still flies to his waist for a gun anytime there’s an unexpected sound, no matter how small the noise. He still can’t hear a single one of the trigger words, in any language they are said without tensing, mind and body waiting for the rest of the words to come. More than a couple televisions may have been destroyed when a movie has a gunshot or a train in it. Showers still have to be burning hot for him to even go near them, any kind of cold making him freeze in more than one sense.
Of course it was Sam who made the joke, “you’re just jealous that I can fly, you’re just too scared to fall,” after Bucky made a jab at him about being a brainless bird when Sam finished his cereal. Because of course Sam needs to specifically come to our wing of the compound to eat Bucky’s cereal when there’s literally multiple other kitchens around the buildings.
Though Bucky did not say anything, Sam still bolted out the room when the mug in my husband's hand shattered in his grip, a string of apologies following my friend as he fled. Even Sam knows when he’s gone too far, though he is the definition of a frenemy he still would never purposely trigger Buck.
As soon as Sam was out of the room, I turned to the other man, “he didn’t mean anything by it,” I kept my voice even and soothing. Though, he just grunted out an ‘I know’, turning to clean up the mess of broken mug pieces and coffee off the floor. Grabbing the broom we just totally keep close by coincidence, I told him, “I’ll clean it, it’s okay, Buck.”
He whipped away from me, going over and washing his hands at the sink while I finished taking care of the mess. With that taken care of, I turned to my husband, repeating myself, “it’s okay, Bucky.” To which he just sighed in response. But he did not push me away when I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing a soft kiss to his head.
I know you’ve been drifting lately
It’s like you’re an island and I’ve got no boat
It’s like you think you have to go it alone
But you don’t
I’m here
I’m here
…
No matter how much Tony jokes we are much too ancient of men to be able to work technology, I will never tell him the real reason phones are banished from Bucky and I’s wing. No one needs to know but us.
After one too many times walking in on Bucky reading old reports on the Winter Soldier and reading about assassinations he’s sure he’s the one he committed, I may or may not have thrown out all the technology in our place that can connect to the internet. If he won’t protect himself from his past then I will.
When the world seems cold and meaner still
When every step’s a step up hill
I’m here
I’m here
…
Even living in the compound with almost every other Avenger around, it was still months before Bucky even considered joining one of the ‘family pizza and movie nights’. No matter how much I reassured him again and again that the others would love to have him there, that he’s completely welcome, he still would not even pretend to think about possibly joining. Because no matter how long we live here, he refuses to let him see himself as belonging, as part of our crazy mixed up family.
Though, it is hard to convince him when the other Avengers never directly approach him on the matter, more asking me to tell him he’s welcome. I know I shouldn’t blame them, he still has a lot of triggers and he still can easily be seen as dangerous even though he will never be the Winter Soldier again. They’ve never been quick to trust anyone, especially someone who they’ve fought. But even so, they still say he’s welcome in the family and I’m not going to stop until he’s gotten it through his thick head that it’s true.
When the friends you had don’t call your name
When the rocks you leaned on, give way
I’m here
I’m here
…
Finding him curled up on the bathroom floor, I swallowed down all the panic bubbling up inside me. “Hey Buck, what’s going on?” I sat down next to him, laying a hand on his back. When he didn’t respond, I took a different approach, “bad day?” To his nod, I fought a sigh, because why in the hell does everything always have to go against him? Why the hell cant the world just let him have peace, let him have a chance at happiness?
“Anything I can do to try to help?” I asked, keeping my tone even despite how pissed at the world I am. At his shrug, I asked, “can I stay here with you?” But he just shrugged again. It’s one of those days I guess.
Slowly, I lowered myself to the ground, positioning myself to hold him better, keeping him close. “I love you,” I whispered, to which he nodded. His way of saying I love you too on one of these kinda days. And we stayed like that, just laying together. I wasn’t sure what to say and I think he was okay with that, sometimes the silence is okay. Sometimes just being here is enough, just being in each other’s presence is the best way to prove that I’m here, I’m staying, I’m not going anywhere. I will fight to stay by his side until my last breath, and I can do this all day.
I know you’ve been drifting lately
You’re an island and I’ve got no boat
You think you have to go it alone
But you don’t
I’m here
I’m here
…
“I just can’t do this anymore, Steve,” he ran his fingers through his long unbrushed hair, shoving it out of his face, “all I see when I look in the mirror is the Winter Soldier. How am I supposed to be a good husband for you when I’m a murderer?” He clenched his bleeding fists, still refusing to let me even look at his wounds. The blood just continued to drip drip drip down into the shattered pieces of what used to be our mirror.
I shook my head, “no Buck, you’re not him. You are Bucky Barnes, you’re a good guy who I love dearly.”
He looked at me as if I was insane, a common stare for him to give me, “You don’t understand! I’m not even a person, I’m just a screwed up shell, you can’t fix this.”
My voice softened, despite his volume being increased, “there's nothing to fic because you’re not broken,” god if only he could see what I see. I see the man I fell in love with, the man who’s been here for me through everything. “If you don’t see what I see, then why don’t we change what you see?”
“What the hell are you talking about,” if he wasn’t in such a bad mindset, I’m sure he would have rolled his eyes at me and called me an idiot. Idiot for him is like sweetheart for other couples.
Turning, I looked around the bathroom, after going through a few drawers I found the set of scissors and razors I used to trim my beard. I really need to remember next time to keep these in Sam’s bathroom, just in case. “Why don’t I give you a haircut, so that when you look in the mirror you look more like you?” After staring at me a few breaths too long to be comfortable, he finally nodded. “Great,” I smiled at him, immediately sitting him down on the toilet.
Okay so maybe cutting hair isn’t as easy as I expected, but his hair is way shorter now and that’s what matters. Picking up one of the larger pieces left of the mirror he punched, I showed him the finished look. He didn't say anything at first, just looking himself over. After a few seconds, he breathed out, “thank you,” and I could tell he really meant it.
Throw us a hurricane, throw us an act of God
We’re stronger than that, you just forgot
It’s all for one and one for always
You’re there for me in life’s little hallways
And I’m here
I’m here
…
Spooning my husband, we laid in quiet content. The only sound being our breathing. His short hair ticked my chin in the best of ways, and I couldn’t ask for anything better.
I know you’ve been drifting lately
You’re an island and I’ve got no boat
You’re an island and I’ve got no boat
And you think you have to go it alone
But you don’t
You don’t