Work Text:
Honey I thought you should know that I'm in a hurry
I've got to move up north, but it's just temporary
I really tried not to lie, but this burdens getting heavy
No, you can't come with me this time, you got your own destiny, yeah
I’ve thought about it again and again and again what he might have said, if he would have had wisdom for me even though I was so young. Maybe he would have helped me understand, because as much as mom tried to I just never could understand. Why would my dad be taken away? Why wasn’t the medicine enough? Why did the doctors say it was too late? Why did I have to learn to be a dad when I myself barely even knew or remembered my dad enough to have an example of what to be?
Why does he have to go and I have to stay?
When I look at you I see your beauty
Now my baby boy, he's gonna lose me
Maybe he would have looked at me and said “Barley, I am so proud of you, I will be proud of you even when I’m not able to say I am.” Maybe if I knew that then maybe I would know at least in one person's eyes I’m not a screw up. Maybe I could have ended up someone he would be proud of.
But heaven's not too far away, I know someday you'll visit
And I didn't think I'd go this way, can I please have one more minute
I don’t think I could ever not hate that little me for running away even when mom called out, “Barley, please come see your dad, you need to say goodbye.” I don’t think I could ever not hate child me for shaking my head, vision blurry with tears as I said “no, no, I can’t,” before running off to hide. As if hiding would make all his tubes go away, as if I could pretend he wasn’t sick. All I had to do was say goodbye, just spend one last minute with him, but I was too weak… too scared…
No honey I don't want to go, please know that I have to
Look how the cancer has grown, I think it's time I go home
Yes, I can still hear your voice, sounds just like it did
And I can still feel your hand, when it touches my skin
I should have been there, holding his hand, assuring him again and again, “I love you dad, I love you so much. I won’t forget you, I love you,” I should have told him how much he means to me. Even just begging him to stay, pleading him to not leave me would have been better than nothing at all. I could have just asked him, “can you please stay, dad? Please? Please stop being sick?” I could have said anything and that would been more forgivable than running away just because seeing him ill was too frightening.
But heaven's not too far away, I know someday you'll visit
And I didn't think I'd go this way, can I please have one more minute
I gave you life now you gotta watch it leave my eyes
But heaven's not too far away, I know someday you'll visit
How long do I have to wait? Why should I have to wait years and years to see my dad when most other people already have one sitting at home just hoping their kid will spend time with them? Just because I had to grow up far too quickly, at a way too young age, doesn’t mean that I’ll grow up fast enough to see him soon.
All I had to say was “I love you, dad,” and that would have been enough. Just four little words and maybe I wouldn’t be such a screw up, I would have known I did all I could. Maybe I wouldn’t have hated me so much. Because now when Ian asks when I remember of dad I have to say I only have three memories, three memories that would have been four if I just said those words. I could have been able to share more with my brother on who our dad was, I could have shared my memories with him and helped him get to know dad better through me.
As death rattles my cage, I can hear their voices fading
Each breath getting harder, I can hear the tears coming from my son
And to his older brother, he's thinking back when he was younger
When he had a healthy father, who asked him to take care of his little brother
And he's not really sure about life, or that how could any of this be right
But I know my babies they will be fine, cause they can talk to me anytime
Maybe he would have asked me to take care of Ian, maybe me being whatever I am to Ian now is what he would have wanted. If I keep helping my brother, being there for him even when our dad wasn’t for me, keep pushing him to be better than I am, then maybe I could be someone worth being proud of.
All I can do is imagine what he would have said to me, maybe “You can do this Barley,” or “I know this is confusing buddy,” or “you’re stronger than you know,” or “I’ll always be proud of you.” If I just pushed down my fear like I learned to do too unforgivably quick after then I could have had something to hold onto. Mom saying how much he loved me just isn’t enough.
Would he have understood? Did he understand why I didn’t show up, why when I saw him I ran out of the hospital room? I was too young to understand the consequences of my fear, but I should have. If I was able to grow up so soon after that then what’s to stay I couldn’t have grown up in that moment?
I could have run into the hall, but stopped, planting my feet like roots. I could have forced the inhales and exhales, making my shuddering stop. I could have turned myself around, facing the big scary door. I could have turned the knob, stepping inside and facing the tubes and the putrid smell of cleaning products. I could have matched my breathing to the rhythm of the beeping, stepped forward and took his pale blue hand. “I’m right here dad, I’m here and I love you.”
Cause, heaven's not too far away, I know someday you'll visit
I didn't think I'd go this way, can I please have one more minute
I gave you life now you gotta watch it leave my eyes
But heaven's not too far away, I know someday you'll visit
Is it right for me to forgive myself when I screwed up so much? Is age and nativity a big enough excuse. I should have been right there, hearing the beep beep beeping come to a stop, watch with shuddering breath as his breaths stopped, watched his eyes close and not open again.
Honey, I thought you should know, that I'm in a hurry
I've got a move up north, but it's just temporary