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When everyone was busy playing in the water and being excited about making it so far from the walls, Levi simply stood away from it all. Jean, Sasha and Connie were playing around. Jean making a nasty face after drinking the saline water. Hanji being Hanji. And Eren, he had changed so much, his eyes had lost the hope they once carried. Levi had lost those eyes the day his mother lost her breathe.
They were all resting by the beach as everyone tried to cheer each other up with the success of their mission. All of them talking about the sea and it's mysteries. How their dream of there being an ocean was true. Levi couldn't handle it anymore, the joy, the smiles. He felt cold even with warmth radiating from everyone. He looked at Armin and he was once again reminded of the choice that he made. Did he regret it? Yes he did. He huffed thinking he had disappointed Erwin even during their final moments. Making a choice with no regrets, fuck that. Regret was what kept him alive at this point. He would regret not avenging everyone and thus he breathed.
Among the chatter he simply stood up to leave. Hanji, too in the flow says "Hey levi where are you going? Oh come on Levi, smile a little, we won!". That was the last straw at that point, he knew she was mourning too, knew she kept the happy face for the kids but Levi snaps at her like he never had "BUT WHAT DID I LOSE HUH!? WHAT DID HE LOSE DUE TO THIS STUPID MISSION!?" he pauses, too shocked by his own outburst, his voice breaks as he says "he wanted to see the sea too". He hadn't meant to say that, it just slipped.
Everyone was too stunned to speak, Levi Ackerman was born without feelings is what they had believed, never once had he lost his demeanor. Armin tries to cool the situation down but before he could say anything Levi points a finger at him telling him to stay away "Don't Arlert, just don't". He sighed getting his breathing in control. "give me a little space..... Please" he says softly as he walks away. And thus nobody dared to defy.
Once at a significant distance, near the cliff, he sits down. He wasn't too away from the others, still fearing not being able to protect the others incase of an attack. The others could see him too. Jean says "what was that about?" trying to calm an upset Armin. The others look at him and hanji says "he lost his purpose again jean, he lost his wings"
Levi sits with his legs hanging, looking up at the sky and realises how cruel it has become. How it makes a joke out of his misery, the same sky before he lost Isabelle and Farlan. The same sky he looked upon the last night he kissed his mother goodnight. The same sky before he lost his squad. Now it is the same sky he lost his.... His who? Why did Erwin mean so much to him? Feelings are so weird aren't they.
He thought of Erwin as his reason to live, for he was the hand who brought him to light from the underground. He thought of him as the guide who could see so much, more than Levi could imagine. He thought of him as the soft smiles he spared his way, the shoulder he lent to rest upon, the safety of his presence that said "I'm here for you". He thought of him as the last one he wanted to lose. But he lost him too. He tries to remember something that connects it all he finds it amongst the deepest ends of the mother who embraced him in his arms.
"I loved you...." he says as he gazes upon the open ocean, he regrets not saying those words to everyone he lost before. The way he loved was that he will become everything that they sought. In the ways he had become a reason to smile for his mother, a fighter for his uncle, a protector for his friends, a captain for his squad, and he became humanity's strongest because Erwin wanted him to.
Tears fall off his eyes and doesn't realise he is screaming. His voice is going hoarse but he continues to scream. He cries for his losses, for once he lets go, he becomes selfish and blames them for dying, for leaving him alone in this wretched world. He holds onto the cravat, the bolo tie burns in his pocket that he took from Erwin. The smiles of his comrades mock his strength. After what seems like an eternity he quietens.
He hears footsteps and knows it's hanji. She sits beside him and shares the silence with him. She is close enough to touch him but is still testing the waters. "I'm not going to bite you, they call me a guard dog but I'm not", the joke doesn't have the effect he thought. Hanji saddens even more. She pulls him into a hug. He notices the others aren't there. "I've sent them back to the horses. They went to sleep shortie". Then again, the nickname doesn't have any effect. He starts to shake again and she too lets her eyes dampen. They hold onto each other like that's all left in the world to do, "let it out Levi" Hanji says her own voice quivering.
He shakes uncontrollably, sobbing into her shoulder and lets out a wet "i loved him", hanji stops, the shock stops her tears for a second and tries to look at Levi's face but he won't move from where he hid in her shoulder. "I loved him, i loved him, i loved that stupid bastard!" he chants like a mantra and a curse. She holds him tight, because this is the first time she has heard him say he loves someone. She realises, he had to chose to let his lover die, he he had to ask his lover to die with his dreams, "oh levi", she whispers running her fingers through his hair, as she continues to cry over the loss of the colleague turned friend turned family and he cries over the man that was simply his Erwin. He didn't have phases of relationship he could determine. He had just became Erwin to him someday.
"Let's go Levi" says Hanji after they calm down, as she is getting up Levi asks her to leave before him, saying he'll be there in a minute. He gazes towards the sea once again as she leaves. He knows he has to go back but he doesn't want to. He knows his anger towards the kids is unreasonable since he made the last decision, but when have feelings ever been so easy for him. He gets up and whispers to the wind "For as long as i live, you live in me, I love you Erwin smith".
His eyes widen as the wind replies in a voice so familiar I love you too.