Chapter Text
Lennon Beale walks up to her aunt’s apartment and knocks on the door. She doesn’t get an answer, even after knocking twice more, so she uses the key that she was given in case of emergencies. She’s surprised, to say the least, at what she sees when she opens the door. The large apartment is a mess. There are books and clothes, along with a bunch of other things strewn about, on the furniture and on the floor.
“Aunty B, you here?” She calls out.
She walks further into the apartment to find it in complete darkness, with the curtains drawn and all of the lights turned off. It’s the middle of the day but you would never know it from the look of the place. She walks into the bedroom and flips on the light.
“What?” A voice grumbles from under the blankets.
“Sorry, were you sleeping?”
Hanna sits up straight, trying to push all of the hair out of her face. Beca and her sister, Hanna, don’t look very much alike. Really the only traits they have in common are their small stature and their singing voices. Hanna has been someone Lennon has looked up to since she could remember. Holding the title of youngest medical examiner in New York City history has pretty much solidified her place as the coolest person in the world to both Lennon, and her sister, Charlotte. But to look at her right now, Lennon barely recognizes her.
Hanna clears her throat, becoming much more alert when it’s Lennon coming into her bedroom and not Beca or Chloe. She rubs one eye with the heel of her hand, while reaching for her glasses.
“Len, what are you doing here?”
“I have to interview you for my school project, remember?”
She hadn’t remembered. Lately she hasn’t been able to keep track of what day it is, let alone all of the other stuff she is supposed to be doing.
“Oh yeah, of course. I was working all night so I decided to take a little nap. Why don’t you wait for me at the table?”
Lennon nods, letting her stare linger on her aunt for just a few more seconds before doing what she’s told.
Hanna comes out a few minutes later, dressed in sweatpants and an old Bella’s t-shirt. It’s a pretty uncommon sight. She’s usually clean pressed in work attire, or at least in jeans, when Lennon sees her. Her hair is pulled up into a tight ponytail, and she’s wearing her glasses. She looks much older than she usually does.
“Are you thirsty, do you want water or I can make you some tea?”
“No, I’m okay.”
Lennon has her notebook out in front of her, but she doesn’t feel like doing this anymore. She has a fluttery feeling in her stomach and it makes her eyes feel funny. Hanna takes a seat next to her and the magnification of the lenses make the purple bags under her eyes much more prominent. It’s no secret that Hanna is often sleep deprived but this seems different.
“So, what are we talking about today?”
“Your job.”
Hanna nods. She seems to be normal. At least her voice is normal, but her expression, where she’s normally full of humor, barely moves. Her eyes spend more time staring at Lennon’s hands than her face, and she doesn’t crack even one joke.
When she’s asked all of the questions she needed to, Lennon packs up her stuff and slings her backpack over her shoulder. There’s still one more question she wants to ask but she doesn’t dare. She hugs Hanna and leaves, taking the long way home to try and clear her head.
She gets home and pushes the front door open. She can hear music coming from upstairs and her sisters laughing loudly; at least they’re not fighting for once. She walks into the kitchen and drops her bag near the stairs. Chloe and Beca are working on dinner, moving wordlessly around each other in their normal practiced way. Chloe notices her first when she sits in one of the stools at the island.
“Hey Len, how was school?”
“It was fine.”
Chloe turns all the way around when she notices the look on her face. She leans against the island and taps Lennon’s hand to make her look at her.
“Hey you, everything alright?”
“I’m fine.”
“That’s two fines in thirty seconds. That usually means you’re not fine.” Beca points out, also turning to look at her.
She leans against the far counter to give her some space. She has her arms crossed over her chest but her eyes peer directly into Lennon’s.
“I went to Aunty B’s house to do my project today.”
“Okay.” Chloe says, with a question in her voice.
“Is she okay?”
When she asks this, she looks right at Beca.
“What do you mean?” Chloe asks. She knows exactly what she means.
“She seemed, I don’t know, sad, or maybe like something happened. Is she okay?”
There’s a long moment. Chloe wants to let Beca handle this one. It’s her sister, and this is a delicate situation. She knows these conversations are not always the easiest for her so she wants it to be on her terms. Beca eventually starts talking. She keeps her voice quiet and slow.
“Len, Aunty B has what’s called clinical depression.”
The look of genuine shock on Lennon’s face pulls at Beca’s heart, as she asks,
“So she’s sad all the time?”
“No baby, it’s much more complicated than that.” Chloe says.
She moves to sit next to Lennon and takes one of her hands in her own. Beca leans forward on the island to be closer to the both of them.
“She’s had depression for most of her life but it doesn’t just mean she’s sad all the time. Sometimes she’s not sad at all, she’s actually gotten much better and it doesn’t happen nearly as much as it used to. But when she does get sad, she can get very, very sad.”
“I think that’s how she was today.”
“What makes you think that?” Chloe asks.
“Her apartment was super dark and messy. When I got there she was sleeping, in the middle of the day, like she was sick but... She just didn’t seem like herself.”
“I’m sorry you had to find out that way.” Beca says, “But she didn’t want you guys to know until you were old enough to understand it. Maybe one day you can talk to her about it.”
“Is she gonna be okay?”
“Yes honey, she’s going to be fine.” Chloe says, rubbing her arm. “She’s been dealing with this for a long time and she’s gotten really good at recognizing the symptoms and working through them.”
Lennon nods and stands up.
“I have a lot of homework to do. I’m gonna go to my room.”
She grabs her bag and walks up the stairs, right past Maggie’s room where her sisters are still laughing and making too much noise.
“So this sucks.” Beca says, turning back to finish dinner.
“You should call Hanna to check in.”
“I will. I don’t want Len alone too much tonight either. You know how her brain goes in circles with stuff like this.”
“I know.”
Beca leans on the counter again and taps it with her knuckle a couple times.
“Are you okay?” Chloe asks.
Beca doesn’t turn back to her, she just nods.
“Because you know it’s okay not to be.”
“It’s not about me, it’s about Hanna.”
“I know it’s hard on you too; to see her hurting and not being able to do anything about it. I know it hurts you.”
“It pisses me off.” She finally turns to look at Chloe. “I hate that this has been her life and I hate that we have to explain to our kids that someone they love is in so much pain.”
“I know, honey.”
Beca bites her bottom lip and takes a deep breath through her nose.
“I’m gonna call Han. Start dinner without me.”
Beca is gone for the better part of an hour on the phone with her sister. She misses dinner completely. Lennon sits in her chair, pushing the food around her plate. Chloe isn’t sure how much actually makes it into her mouth and she isn’t going to force her. Charlie and Maggie commandeer most of the conversation. Their goofy jokes and small giggles keep a light tone that Chloe is thankful for.
They put their dishes in the sink and go upstairs to read in their rooms before bed. Lennon goes to take a shower and doesn’t say anything to anyone before climbing into her own bed with her laptop.
Beca walks into the en suite bathroom where Chloe is taking off her makeup. She walks up behind her and wraps her arms around her waist.
“How is she?” Chloe asks.
“Not the worst it’s been. But she said she hasn’t been to work in a couple days. She has therapy tomorrow morning and then she’s maybe going to try to get back to the lab. She’s trying.”
“She talked for a while. That’s good.”
“Mhm. And Len?”
“Not a word. I was about to go check on her.”
“I’ll make the rounds.” Beca says.
She needs to see her kids right now. She walks to the furthest room, at the end of the hall, Charlie’s room. She pushes the door open and the small lamp on the bedside table is still on; illuminating Charlie’s face. She’s fighting sleep, no doubt trying to finish her chapter. Beca climbs into the bed and kisses her head. She takes the book gently and knows she’s almost asleep when there’s no argument. She runs her fingertips gently over her arm for a couple minutes before her breathing evens out completely and she knows she’s fully asleep. She watches her sleep for a few minutes, realizing just how many moments like these she’s taken for granted lately. She gives her one more kiss before turning the light off and leaving the room, closing the door behind her.
Next up is Maggie’s room. Beca opens her door and finds her sound asleep, sideways across her mattress, using her stuffed giraffe as a pillow. She scoffs and grabs the blanket from the end of the bed to drape over her.
“Sleep tight, my little weirdo.”
She closes the door behind her and stands in front of Lennon’s. She is half hoping that she’s already asleep, the other half of her hopes she will be able to talk to her more. One of her wishes comes true when she opens the door and Lennon is asleep. Her laptop is on the floor next to the bed and her reading glasses are askew on her face. Beca gently takes them off and turns off the lamp before leaving the room.
“Is she okay?”
“She’s asleep. They all are.”
Chloe looks surprised, “Even Charlie?”
“Mhm.”
Beca climbs into the bed and curls up into Chloe’s side. Her head rests on her chest and she takes a full deep breath.
“You look tired, too.” Chloe says, her voice is almost enough to put Beca to sleep.
“Long day.”
“Close your eyes. I’m right here.”
Beca closes her eyes and she can’t stop the smile on her lips. Chloe doesn’t have to say it, but she always does. She’s always been right there and Beca could never repay it. Chloe is her rock, her constant. She wraps her arms around her waist and settles deeper into her. She’s asleep within minutes, Chloe’s heartbeat lulls her to the sleep she so desperately needs.
Chloe stays up for a while, reading. Every few minutes she glances down at her wife. She’s always loved the look on Beca’s face while she’s sleeping. She looks unguarded and peaceful. Beca rolls onto her side, away from Chloe. She takes the opportunity to shift down and turn the light off. She settles into her pillows and closes her eyes.
They aren’t closed thirty seconds before she hears the door creak open. She opens one eye, expecting Lennon after the night she had, or Charlie because she doesn’t sleep most nights anyway. Instead she’s met with Maggie. Even at eleven, she is incredibly small, but she always looks younger in times like this. She stands by the doorway, her head hanging down, one foot drawing designs in the carpet.
“Come here, angel.”
She doesn’t need to be told twice. She rushes over to the bed and climbs between her mothers.
“I didn’t want to wake you up.”
“You can always come to me. Whether I’m sleeping or not. But don’t worry, I wasn’t sleeping.”
“Why not?”
“Just a lot on my mind.” Chloe answers, as honestly as possible, “Why aren’t you sleeping? Mama said you were.”
Her tiny shoulders shrug and she rests her cheek on Chloe’s chest, much like Beca had done.
“I was, for a little, but then I woke up.”
“Is there something you wanna talk about?”
“Not really.”
One of her hands finds the hem of Chloe’s shirt. She is taken back to when Maggie was an infant. She had the tightest grasp of any baby she’d ever seen. She would hold onto her shirt and refuse to let go. She’s kept that strength, but she has become much more independent over the last few years. Every once in a while though, she still has bouts of clinginess; which Chloe selfishly takes advantage of when she can.
“Well you can, if you want to.”
“I know, but I don’t want to right now.”
Beca rolls over and her eyes open. She blinks a few times, looking up at Chloe.
“Everything’s fine. Go back to sleep.”
She tries, for a few minutes, before she decides she needs to get a glass of water.
“Sorry Mama.” Maggie says, feeling guilty about waking her up.
“No sorries, Mags. I’ll be right back.”
She walks downstairs into the kitchen and her stomach jumps up into her chest when she catches the shadow of someone out of the corner of her eye. She turns quickly and her whole body relaxes when she realizes who it is. Lennon is sitting at the table with her own cup of water in front of her. She’s staring straight ahead and doesn’t seem to even notice Beca.
“Hey monster, couldn’t sleep?”
“Not really.”
“That seems to be going around tonight.”
The irony that Charlie is the only one sleeping soundly in her bed right now is not lost on her. She takes a seat at the table and waits for Lennon to speak again.
“I googled clinical depression.”
“Dude, I told you to stop with the googling.”
Beca nearly blocked the internet from Lennon’s computer when WebMD had her convinced that she had cancer during her last cold.
“It says that depressed people can sometimes want to kill themselves. Is that gonna happen to Aunty B?”
Beca has always wanted to protect her kids from all of the harm of the world. She wants to keep them shielded from all of the things that could hurt them, or make them sad. However, as they get older, she’s beginning to realize it’s an impossible task.
“I really hope not, Len. The thing with this disease is that it affects everyone differently. There’s no one-size-fits-all treatment. And once you find a treatment that works, sometimes it only works for a little while and then it stops and you have to find something new.”
“Did that ever happen to Hanna?”
Her sister’s name coming out of her daughter’s mouth sounds foreign. She’s not sure she’s ever heard Lennon call her that before. It’s always been Aunty B. A nickname created when Lennon would try to say Hanna, it would come out more like Banna. Beca wants to correct the use of her proper name, or at least comment on it, but Lennon is right. This conversation warrants the use of her real name. Silly nicknames don’t fit when you’re talking about something like this.
“It has, yes. And I won’t lie to you, there have been times where things have been pretty scary. You were too little to remember but when I was pregnant with Charlie there was a time where we thought we might lose her.”
Even in the dark, Beca can see the glassy tears in Lennon’s eyes. She can hear the sharp intake of air and see her shoulders rising and falling with every breath.
“But here’s the thing about Hanna. She is the strongest person I know. And I don’t say that lightly. I’ve seen her go through some of the toughest stuff a person can go through and come out the other side. And somehow, through all of it, she’s kept her crazy sense of humor. She’s stayed kind and honest. But most importantly, she’s stayed here. For us.”
Lennon finally lets out a sob. The one she’s been holding deep in her chest, for hours. It’s made her throat hurt and her head throb and finally she feels like she can release it into the darkness of this moment. Beca moves over and pulls Lennon into her arms. She kisses her temple and rubs her back.
“I’m sorry that some things in life have to be so scary. But you know that I am always right here to help you through it, me and mom, right?”
“Mhm.”
“Good.”
“Can I ask you one more thing?” Lennon asks, through a sniffle.
“Of course you can.”
“Were the times where she’s really, really sad always as bad as they are now or did they get worse over time?”
“I think it varies.”
Lennon nods and it’s like she’s doing one of her interviews for the school paper. She’s seemed to calm down and her logical mind is beginning to kick in again.
“Why do you ask?”
“Just wondering I guess. If I asked her about it do you think that would make her sad?”
“I don’t think so. You just need to be delicate, it’s not an easy thing for her to talk about, even now.”
“Okay.”
Beca stands and reaches her hand out. Lennon takes it and follows her upstairs. Beca leads them back to Lennon’s room. Lennon lays down on her stomach and wraps her arms around her pillow. Beca climbs into the bed and rubs her back. She can feel how tight her muscles are. Lennon has always been extremely empathetic; sometimes to a fault. She cares deeply for everyone but when it comes to her family, seeing them hurt or in pain is enough to make her sick. Beca continues until she’s sure Lennon is asleep.
She climbs out of the bed and walks quietly back into her bedroom. She gets into bed and isn’t all that surprised when Chloe opens her eyes, clearly still wide awake.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, ran into Len in the kitchen. She just had a couple questions. She’s taking it even harder than I thought she would.”
“Is she alright?”
“She will be. She’s asleep.”
Beca lets her eyes finally close again. Only to open them a second later when they hear a door bang open down the hall. Chloe is out of bed in a second. Maggie stirs but doesn’t fully wake up so Beca follows her out into the hallway.
Charlie is in the bathroom, retching into the toilet bowl. She has one arm resting on the toilet seat, the other is wrapped tightly around her torso. She has tears streaming down her cheeks from the force of the gagging. Chloe is bent down behind her, holding her hair back.
“I’m sorry.” Charlie mumbles, her voice is barely above a whisper.
“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Chloe says.
Charlie lets out a sob, nearly identical to the one Lennon just gave. Beca fills a cup of water and hands it to Charlie. She takes it in her shaky hand and drinks almost half of it in one sip.
“Woah, little sips. Try to keep it down.”
Charlie slumps back against Chloe and lets her head rest back on her shoulder. Chloe puts her hand on her forehead and unsurprisingly it’s very hot.
“She has a fever.”
“That explains the sleeping.” Beca says.
“What doesn’t feel good, sweetness?”
“My stomach and my head. And my back hurts.”
“Okay.” Chloe says, she has one hand moving in gentle circles on her stomach. “Do you think you can make it back to bed?”
“Yeah.”
Beca helps them both up and leads Charlie back to bed while Chloe goes to find the thermometer, medicine, and a bucket, just in case. Charlie lays with her forehead in the crook of Beca’s neck. The realization that she’s not going to get any sleep tonight is starting to sink in as Charlie falls asleep again, before Chloe can even make it back upstairs.
Beca keeps one hand on her stomach and another is tangled in her hair. Charlie’s face is pale, well paler than normal, contrasted by her bright red cheeks. Her breathing is shallow, but even, and her foot hangs out from under the blanket and twitches every couple minutes.
“Do we have to wake her up?” Beca asks when Chloe walks back into the room.
“If we don’t do it now she’ll wake up in an hour even worse.”
She knows Chloe's right. She gently shakes Charlie and is met with a very angry sounding groan.
“Come on, bug. Real quick and then you can go back to sleep.”
Charlie’s eyes open, just barely, and look up at Beca.
“Come on.”
“Sit up, baby, time for medicine.”
Charlie shifts to sit up. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
“Are you going to be sick again?” Chloe asks, knowing the look well.
“No, I think I’m okay.” She takes the medicine as quickly as possible before taking a sip of the water that Chloe brought her.
“Okay, all done. You can go to sleep now.”
Charlie lays back down again. Her whole body feels like it’s on fire when she moves so she tries to lay as still as possible. She lets out another pathetic whine.
“Sh, okay.” Beca says, pulling her to her side. “I’ve got her. You should go try to get some rest.”
“No, mommy stay.”
Charlie is already almost completely asleep. They can both tell by the sound of her voice, and use of the word ‘mommy’, that she’s really hurting. Chloe sits on the floor next to the bed and makes quiet shushing sounds. Charlie reaches out and grabs her hand.
“I’m right here, honey. Go to sleep.”
It takes another couple minutes before her eyes close and she is fully asleep. Chloe looks over and notices that Beca is also sound asleep. She trudges back down the hallway into her bedroom. Lennon must have woken up again because she’s now in Beca’s spot next to Maggie. Chloe climbs in and quickly falls asleep.
The next morning, all of the girls sleep late. Chloe is surprised when Beca is already in the kitchen when she walks downstairs.
“Good morning.”
“Morning.” Beca brings her mug up to her lips, “Len spent the rest of the night with you?”
“Mhm, how’s Charlie?” Chloe pours herself a cup of coffee and joins Beca at the island.
“She woke up about an hour ago so I gave her another dose of medicine. She was feeling really rough.”
“Poor baby. I hate when they’re sick.”
“Me too. We’ll have to keep the other two away from her.”
Just then, Maggie appears in the doorway, looking worse for the wear.
“Might be too late for that.” Chloe says, opening her arms for Maggie to walk into them.
“Mommy, I don’t feel good.”
Beca hangs her head. “When it rains it really pours, huh?”
Chloe hugs Maggie and rests her cheek on the top of her head.
“I’m sorry, angel. You’re definitely warm. What doesn’t feel good?”
“My stomach and my head.”
“Must be the flu. Let’s go lay on the couch and we’ll get you some medicine.”
Maggie does as she’s told and lays on the couch with a blanket. Beca brings in juice, medicine, and another blanket. Maggie is always cold but when she’s sick it’s nearly impossible to keep her warm enough.
“Thank you, Mama.”
“You’re welcome.”
Beca sits on the edge of the couch and waits for Maggie to take the medicine.
“Are you tired?”
She looks exhausted but she shakes her head no. Beca knows she’ll be asleep very soon. The house, once again, falls into near silence. Beca does some work on her laptop on the other end of the couch. Maggie’s cold toes are tucked under her thigh and every once in a while she lets out a groan in her sleep. Chloe works on laundry and some light cleaning.
It’s another hour and a half before Lennon walks downstairs, fully dressed.
“Where are you going?” Beca asks.
She leans against the door frame to the living room. She pulls her sleeves over her hands. She looks over to her sister before speaking quietly.
“I was gonna stop at Aunty B’s if that’s okay.”
“Sure, why don’t you text her first though. Just in case she isn’t home.”
Lennon takes out her phone and receives a response within a couple minutes; a good sign they both take it.
“She said it’s okay.”
Beca nods, “Just take it easy on her, with the questions I mean. I know you have a million of them but-”
“I get it. I just wanna make sure she’s okay.”
This makes Beca’s heart ache. Lennon’s compassion has always exuded from her body. She isn’t sure that Lennon even realizes it, but it’s always been such a big part of her.
“Let me know when you get there, please.”
“I will. I love you Mama.”
“Love you too.”
She watches her leave and for the first time, it hits her just how old she is. She’s sixteen now, halfway done with high school. She’s grown into such a dedicated and loyal young woman and Beca feels so much pride for being a part of that. She feels lucky that she gets to know her and love her. She wasn’t sure that she wanted her kids to know about this part of her sister, of the aunt that they love so much. But she knows now that Lennon is aware, she won’t ever stop making sure that Hanna is okay.
“Hey Chlo,” Beca calls out, “have you checked on Charlie?”
It’s been nearly three hours since she woke up for her medicine. Even when she’s sick, Charlie doesn’t usually sleep this much.
“No, but I can. I’m going upstairs anyway.”
“Okay. Just yell if she needs anything.”
Chloe walks upstairs and peeks her head into Charlie’s room. She is buried under her blankets, just a big lump in the middle of the bed. Chloe can’t tell which end is her feet and which is her head.. She walks over and pulls the blanket back just enough to see her face. She’s even paler than the night before but she is sound asleep. Chloe knows whatever this is, it’s really kicking her butt. The cool air on her face makes Charlie’s nose scrunch up and her eyes blink open. Chloe silently curses herself. She should have known better.
“Hi baby, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“What time is it?”
“Almost 11:30.”
“Oh,” She says, looking lost, “where’s Mama?”
“She’s downstairs with Maggie. Your sister has whatever this is too.”
Chloe isn’t sure but she thinks Charlie looks a little guilty. She leans over and kisses her forehead to gauge her temperature. This was a practice she never quite understood, not until she had kids.
“Do you want me to go get her for you?”
“No, can you stay with me?”
Chloe doesn’t need to be asked twice. Usually when she’s sick, Charlie wants Beca. But when she does ask for Chloe she’s always right there. She climbs into bed and cuddles her to her side.
“Do you need anything else?”
“No.”
Chloe can tell, by the lilt in her voice that she won’t be awake for long. It worries her a little, just how much they’re both sleeping, but she knows they just need rest.
Lennon knocks on Hanna’s door. She’s a little worried about what she’s going to find. After all of the stuff she read online last night, she feels more confused than she did before. Hanna pulls the door open and Lennon nearly takes a step back.
“Hey Len, come on in.”
Hanna is dressed in what looks like work clothes. The apartment is cleaned and there’s gentle music playing from somewhere. Lennon steps inside and stands near the doorway to the kitchen. She shifts, moving her hands from inside her pockets, out, then back in.
“What’s up, kid? Did you forget something for your project?”
Lennon follows her into the kitchen and sits at the table across from her.
“Um, no, I just, uh.”
“You have another kind of question.” Hanna says, with a knowing solemnity to her voice.
Looking more closely at her face, it’s still clear that she hasn’t slept in days and that she isn’t feeling her best. Lennon looks down at her own hands, wringing in her lap.
“It’s okay. You can ask.”
She doesn’t even know what it is that she wants to ask. She thinks over several options in her head before simply settling on,
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
Hanna’s voice is calmer than Lennon has ever heard it and it makes her feel unsteady. She’s always known her aunt to be loud and chaotic and fun. She can’t understand how Beca, Chloe, and Hanna have been able to keep it hidden from her for this long.
“How didn’t I know?”
“Because I didn’t want you to.”
“Why not?”
“Can you look at me, please?”
Lennon looks up and Hanna has her hands clasped in front of her on the table. She’s leaning slightly forward and has a look on her face that Lennon’s never seen; it’s almost unsettlingly serene.
“I wasn’t trying to keep secrets from you, okay? You’re one of my favorite people on the planet; you and your sisters. I just didn’t want you to hear about this until you were old enough to fully understand what it means.”
“That’s what Mama said.”
“Trust me, we’ve talked about this, a lot. We wanted to do it right. You’re smart, I know you can understand it.”
“Then explain it to me.” Lennon says, desperate to understand.
“What is it you want to know?”
Lennon pulls out a small notebook and Hanna can’t help but let out a breathy laugh. Of course she’s come with her own set of questions. She flips it to the third or fourth page and asks,
“How old were you when it first started?”
“I was diagnosed when I was fifteen, but the episodes started around the time Grandma and Grandpa got divorced.”
“When you left Seattle?”
“Mhm.
“How long does it last?”
“Depends. Sometimes its a few hours, other times it days or weeks. I don’t know when it’s going to happen or just how bad it’s going to be.”
“Mama said sometimes treatments stop working and you have to do something new.”
Hanna isn’t quite sure there’s a question in there, or what it is, but she starts talking again anyway.
“That’s happened. But my doctors are very good at making sure that my medication is right and we’re very careful when we try something new. Can I ask you a question now?”
Lennon puts her notepad down and looks at Hanna, her eyes are wide, wider than usual, and her fingers are fiddling with the metal spirals on the notebook.
“What makes you so scared about this? It must be really bugging you if you came all the way over here on a Saturday morning.”
“I’m not sure I should say.”
Hanna knows exactly what it is. It’s the same thing everyone is afraid of when she says she’s depressed. It’s the same thing she’s scared of.
“Are you afraid that I’m going to hurt myself?”
Lennon nods her head and looks away from her as quickly as she can.
“I understand that, but I’ll make a promise to you.”
Lennon’s eyes slowly drag back over to meet Hanna’s gray ones. Lennon has noticed, many times, how Hanna and Charlie’s eyes match almost perfectly, but in this moment it makes her stomach hurt. She waits for Hanna to speak.
“I promise you that I will do everything I can, fight with everything I have, to make sure that doesn’t happen. But there’s a catch.”
“What is it?”
“You can’t let knowing this about me change the way you treat me. I want you to come and talk to me, about whatever you need to talk to me about. I want you to understand that now that you know about this, it doesn’t change who I am. I’ve had this longer than you’ve been alive. So the way you know me is the way I am.”
Lennon stands and gives her a hug; tighter than she ever has before.
“I love you, Lenny.”
“I love you, too.”
Lennon moves back to her chair. Hanna looks at her, dubiously.
“Do your moms know that you’re here?”
“Yeah.” Lennon scoffs, “Well, Mama does. They’re a little preoccupied right now anyway. Charlie and Maggie are both sick or something.”
“Oh really? Are they alright?”
Lennon shrugs.
“What good are you?” Hanna jokes, “Let me bring you home. I want to talk to your Mama and I can check on those other monkeys.”
Lennon’s quiet the whole car ride to their house. When they pull up in front of the brownstone she jumps out of the car and rushes up to the front door. She unlocks it and pushes it open before calling through the front hall.
“Mama, Aunty B is here.”
Beca appears a second later with her index finger over her lips.
“Len, please, Maggie’s asleep on the couch.”
Lennon puts her hands up in surrender, “Sorry.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Lennon walks upstairs.
“Hey Han.”
“Hey, heard you’re running an infirmary.”
Beca scoffs and starts toward the kitchen. Hanna follows her and takes the water that’s put on the counter in front of her.
“Yeah, I think it’s the flu or something. They’ve both been sleeping all day.”
“You want me to check on them?”
“Do you mind?”
“Not at all.”
Hanna has brought her doctor’s bag. Not that she gets much practice with live patients these days, but she always keeps it on hand in case the kids get sick. Beca catches her arm before she leaves the room.
“How’d it go with Len?”
“Nothing I wasn’t expecting. She’s scared. I get it.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s just new. She’ll adjust and she’ll learn that it’s not an immediate threat.”
“It’s not, right?” Beca asks, needing some reassurance.
“Beca, I’m okay. I promise.”
Beca nods and lets her go to Maggie. She gives her and Charlie both full check-ups and decides that it is indeed a bad bout of the flu. She stays for the day, she stays for dinner and seems to be slowly returning to her normal self; the self that Lennon knows.
“Len, can you help Mom with the dishes, please?” Beca asks.
“Sure, bye Aunty B.” She gives her another hard squeeze.
“Bye baby, I’ll see you later.”
Lennon grabs the plates off the table and brings them over to Chloe at the sink. She watches Beca lead Hanna toward the front door. She must have seen them hug a million times before. But she’s never noticed how Beca puts her hand on Hanna’s lower back, to steady her, or how Hanna grips the fabric of Beca’s shirt. She’s never noticed the nearly silent exchange of words whispered in each other’s ears before they pull away.
“Bye, love you.”
“Love you too. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Hanna says before she leaves.
Beca closes the door and goes directly upstairs. Lennon noticed a change in Beca during dinner; she’s felt the worry she had for Hanna shift toward her mother.
“Is Mama okay?” Lennon asks, taking one of the plates from Chloe to dry.
“Yeah, she will be. It’s just, seeing Aunty B like this sometimes makes her pretty sad too.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
Chloe leans over and kisses her head.
“Why don’t you go upstairs and get comfy and we’ll watch a movie, just you, me, and Mama.”
Lennon smiles and nods. She walks upstairs as quietly as possible, knowing both of her sisters are asleep in their rooms. She walks by her parents’ room. The door is open, just a crack, and she can hear sniffling. She peeks inside. Beca is sitting on the bed wiping her face. She doesn’t mean to, but she slips, accidentally pushing the door. It lets out a little squeak.
Beca scoffs and wipes under her eyes, “It’s okay, Len. You can come in.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“It's okay. Come here.” She pats the spot next to her. “I guess there’s no sense in hiding this part of it from you either, huh?”
“It’s okay that it makes you sad,” Lennon starts, “it makes me sad too.”
“These aren’t sad tears. These are relieved tears.”
Lennon pulls her brows together and looks up at Beca.
“What do you mean?”
“This is a secret we’ve kept for a long time. And you finally know. We can’t tell your sisters yet, I don’t think they would really get it. But now that you know, you’re one more person on her side, Len. And if you ask me, you’re one of the best there is. It’ll never go away, I know that, but as long as she knows we’re all here for her, maybe it will hurt her a little less.”
“I hope so.”