Chapter Text
Pulling her robe a little tighter around her body, Phoebe Janeway stepped out onto the balcony into the chilly night air. Her eyes hadn’t quite yet adjusted to the darkness and it took her a moment to spot the huddled figure on the small bench. Watching her sister’s dark silhouette for a few seconds, she waited for her eyes to be able to see more than just vague shadows and for her sister to acknowledge her presence. But Kathryn seemed oblivious to anything outside her own mind, even when Phoebe tried to draw her attention by softly calling her name. Knees drawn closely to her chest, she just sat and stared into the dark sky above.
Silently, Phoebe stepped closer and let herself sink onto the bench next to her sister. Kathryn looked at her startled, giving her a barely-there smile that was almost lost in the darkness, before returning her eyes to the sky. Phoebe watched her for a few long seconds and then followed her gaze, letting the silence stretch between them for a while.
“Are you okay?” she finally asked, keeping her voice soft and low.
Kathryn didn’t answer, her face etched with emotions Phoebe couldn’t quite place and her mind somewhere among the far away planets and stars above.
The silence stretched on. Phoebe tried to come up with a way to broach the topic they had been avoiding for days, but like every other time she couldn’t find the words. She didn’t want to cause Kathryn anymore pain.
“It’s too bright,” Kathryn murmured eventually, just as Phoebe was about to speak again.
Phoebe’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion and when Kathryn didn’t say anything more, she gently prompted her, “Kathy?”
“The lights of the city.” Her voice had dropped to a toneless whisper. “I can barely see the stars,” she added after another moment of silence, the words brimming with so much pain it made Phoebe’s heart clench. She tightened her grip on the fabric of her robe so she wouldn’t reach out to draw Kathryn into her arms, knowing her sister needed time to work through her emotions.
“Maybe I should move to the country, somewhere far away from the lights and the people...”
“You miss them, don’t you?”
Surprised, Kathryn looked at her. “The stars?” Studying Phoebe’s barely lit profile, she thought about her answer for a long moment before looking back up at the sky again. “I’ve spent the last seven years surrounded by nothing but stars and endless darkness. It takes a while to get used to living planetside again.”
Phoebe’s gaze softened as she looked at Kathryn. “I meant Voyager,” she clarified, her voice impossibly gentle now.
It felt like a knife being twisted in her chest and Kathryn felt the sting of tears before she had time to suppress them. For days she had been trying not to think about Voyager and the mere mention of it had her breath catching in her throat. She was glad the darkness hid her tears from Phoebe’s observant gaze. It couldn’t hide the shuddering sigh though, or the slight crack in her voice when she whispered, “Yes.”
It had been ten days since Voyager left Earth’s orbit. Ten days that Kathryn had spent completely buried in her new job and nine nights that she had spent staring at the sky, trying to keep her tears at bay and desperately wishing she was still captain of her ship, flying among the stars with her crew.
But it wasn’t her ship anymore.
It wasn’t her crew.
They were Chakotay’s responsibility now. She tried to be happy for him. He had earned it and there wasn’t anyone she would trust more to take care of Voyager and its crew. But that didn’t change the fact that she felt left behind. Her promotion felt like a cruel―though deserved―punishment, and as grateful as she was that they had finally found their way back to Earth, sometimes she couldn’t help but wish they were still in the Delta Quadrant.
All this time, she had been so focused on getting home that she had barely noticed the new home they had built on Voyager. And now she had lost not only her command, but her family, her home, and most of all Chakotay. For the last seven years, there hadn’t been a single day he hadn’t been by her side and she didn’t know how to live her life without him. He had always been her constant, giving her hope and strength when she had nothing else to hold onto. And even when it seemed that they would never make it home, she had held on to that hope, because she knew she would never be alone. Chakotay had promised her that he would always be by her side, and while she had drawn a strict line at friendship during their time in the Delta Quadrant, there had always been the glimmer of the possibility that their friendship would blossom into something more once they made it home. She didn’t know when or what exactly changed in their friendship, but these last few weeks they had barely spoken. She had felt him slipping away but had been unable to do anything about it, her hope for a future together dashed. They hadn’t even said goodbye and now he was gone.
She had never felt so lost and alone in her entire life.
She didn’t realize she was crying until a choked sob broke through her lips. As Phoebe wrapped her arms around her and pulled her into her chest, Kathryn finally allowed her tears to fall, the sobs wracking her whole body. Here, in the middle of the night and feeling so utterly alone on a planet full of people, it suddenly didn’t matter anymore if she cried. As the captain she had had to be strong.
Unbreakable.
Infallible.
Larger than life.
And for seven long years she had tried her damnedest to be exactly that. But now there was no one left to be strong for. Now her crew belonged to someone else, and she wasn’t sure if she knew how to be just Kathryn anymore.
Or if she even wanted to.